#plotting rn

No bc they’re so toxic and Alex is just made of flaws… He’s lwky a narcissist and needs attention bc he was so deprived of it as a teenager. He hates it when people don’t focus on him. He hates that he gets upset about it. He knows he’s doing this. He feels guilty about it. He knows he lashes out when someone else becomes more important than him especially when it comes to people he loves. “Why not me? It’s never me!” Then like proceeds to isolate himself because he literally just has no clue what to do about what he feels and why he feels that way. Then he feels guilty about what he did. He hates that he is wired that way and he doesn’t know how to overcome it. It’s all he knows.

THATS WHY… He is horrified of letting himself love Dean. Dean is trying to get Alex to see that he cares yet Alex feels guilty.. He thinks Dean is ‘loving’ him out of pity. He thinks he’s being ‘loved’ because he’s a pathetic sack of shit that aches for that kind of love and attention so that’s why Dean provides it for him, but refuses to let himself have it because he thinks he doesn’t deserve it. So then he thinks, “Why me? Why am I worthy of this?” He’s so fucked up in the head. Y’all dont know…

No matter what Alex is ALWAYS pushing Dean away.. but suddenly he holds him close when he’s breaking down crying, saying he’s tired, he cant take it anymore. Saying all of this negative stuff about himself because, first and foremost, Alex hates himself more than he loves anything. He cant allow himself to love anything because he doesn’t love himself first. He hates he aches for attention and gets mad when he doesn’t get it. He hates feeling the heavy weight of guilt on his chest as someone shows him the slightest bit of affection. He hates all of it. YET THROUGH EVERYTHING HE CANT HELP THIS SICK FEELING IN HIS CHEST THAT LOVES DEAN. HE HATES IT. He hates that he cant help but love him despite his entire being going against him. That’s why he sticks around so that maybe he’ll open up enough to let Dean help him. YET, his anxiety CONSTANTLY prevails. It never happens. He is always, ALWAYS too scared to confront anything.

sorry for the rant they are the only thing on my brain atm…