NONE OF YOU BITCHES GETS DEAX LIKE I DOššš
No bc theyāre so toxic and Alex is just made of flawsā¦ Heās lwky a narcissist and needs attention bc he was so deprived of it as a teenager. He hates it when people donāt focus on him. He hates that he gets upset about it. He knows heās doing this. He feels guilty about it. He knows he lashes out when someone else becomes more important than him especially when it comes to people he loves. āWhy not me? Itās never me!ā Then like proceeds to isolate himself because he literally just has no clue what to do about what he feels and why he feels that way. Then he feels guilty about what he did. He hates that he is wired that way and he doesnāt know how to overcome it. Itās all he knows.
THATS WHYā¦ He is horrified of letting himself love Dean. Dean is trying to get Alex to see that he cares yet Alex feels guilty.. He thinks Dean is ālovingā him out of pity. He thinks heās being ālovedā because heās a pathetic sack of shit that aches for that kind of love and attention so thatās why Dean provides it for him, but refuses to let himself have it because he thinks he doesnāt deserve it. So then he thinks, āWhy me? Why am I worthy of this?ā Heās so fucked up in the head. Yāall dont knowā¦
No matter what Alex is ALWAYS pushing Dean away.. but suddenly he holds him close when heās breaking down crying, saying heās tired, he cant take it anymore. Saying all of this negative stuff about himself because, first and foremost, Alex hates himself more than he loves anything. He cant allow himself to love anything because he doesnāt love himself first. He hates he aches for attention and gets mad when he doesnāt get it. He hates feeling the heavy weight of guilt on his chest as someone shows him the slightest bit of affection. He hates all of it. YET THROUGH EVERYTHING HE CANT HELP THIS SICK FEELING IN HIS CHEST THAT LOVES DEAN. HE HATES IT. He hates that he cant help but love him despite his entire being going against him. Thatās why he sticks around so that maybe heāll open up enough to let Dean help him. YET, his anxiety CONSTANTLY prevails. It never happens. He is always, ALWAYS too scared to confront anything.
sorry for the rant they are the only thing on my brain atmā¦
