Why I Panic
It can start for no goddamn reason. Suddenly I feel that everything is happening at once and I can't control it, nothing makes sense anymore and my world is collapsing around me, crashing down in fiery ruins and burning with a passion. I didn't even light a match. Everything is my fault, every reason why I hate myself is pronounced and highlighted in neon on a billboard in front of my face, mocking me, telling me Iβm too fat, too ugly, too weak. Just telling me anything that will give the fire fuel. Once the flames have started you can't stop it, you have to wait it out, there is no use telling yourself you are not having trouble breathing, there is no use telling yourself that you don't suck, there is no reason telling yourself that the reason you failed a maths test was because you are not stupid. You can't do anything but wait for the fire to burn out. No air goes in or out and I don't even realise, I can't do anything except feel that silent tears falling down my cheeks and hope that someone will try to rescue me from this hell on earth. No has saved me yet. Black spots edge in from the side of my visio-breathe. One breath. Breathe one breath. Then wait for the black dots to come creeping in to tell you to breathe again. Humans shouldn't have to be reminded to remember to breathe but when I'm stuck in the raging inferno, I forget everything. I don't want to be who I am at the moment. I want to be out of my skin and crawling away, trying to get away from the disappointment I am. Trying to crawl away from people so they won't see what a disappointment I am. I am a disappointment. Usually around the time when I feel worthless, that no one would care if I died or not is when the tears start to thicken and choke. They hold out the air that I forget to breathe in, they don't care if I black out or not. I haven't blacked out yet. Yet. I feel sick, like Iβm about to throw up, faint, die, like my chest is on fire. And yet, no one has come to save me yet. I panic that if my parents find out about the maths test I failed that they will hate me. They don't know that and they don't know that when I took the test I was surrounded by fire. I panic because I don't know how my friends will react if I tell them about these. I don't want to make them uncomfortable and be scared of me, finally ignoring me altogether. The fire tells me that this could happen if I tell anyone. I panic because I know if I tell my mum I'm worried I have anxiety, that she will laugh and not believe me, tell me I'm overreacting when I don't think I am. I panic because I'm scared about what would happen if I find out what these are. I Don't know and I panic about that. The fire tells me these things and uses it as fuel, telling me that I'm fat and worthless and that people are better off without me. I haven't told people that yet. Yet. The flames consume me when I least expect it, no rhyme or reason, no warning, just instant fire that is uncontrollable and makes me scared of what is happening to me. I don't know what is happening to me. I don't want to go to someone for them to tell me that I'm just a teenager and that I'm just overreacting. I'm scared of rejection and failure, I'm scared of not being good enough and that's maybe why I care so much. Maybe that's why I care so little. The fire will alway be inside me and I don't know how to put it out. All of this, all of these thoughts will happen within the space of four minutes and I won't let on that I am scared. I don't want to make a fuss so I'll lean down a bit more or excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I shake and to hide that I will try to seem like I'm doing it on purpose, I can't help it. I'm scared that I could have anxiety so I won't mention anything about it. I will seem fine on the outside. But on the inside, I'm collapsing because of a forest fire. And I'm scared of fire.
