#please keep moving

I really, really, really just don’t want to do an internship this summer and honestly I don’t think my current container-for-eighteen-gallons-of-liquid-anxiety self should but I also feel like I need to and also I don’t want to have to explain the anxiety thing to my parents which is bad enough on its own resulting in me letting them think I’m doing much better all-around than I currently am which means talking to them now would be even worse because it’ll be all “why didn’t you tell me” even if they don’t say it that will be underneath and like because I don’t know how?? because it’s hard?? because I want you guys to be able to think you have one kid who’s all successful and great and not a fucking mess and also there’s innate shame and embarrassment involved so there’s protecting myself but I don’t trust my mom to understand that but I just really need to go home this summer and like. work on myself. somehow. I need to find an authority figure here to tell me that’s a valid summer plan or something. I don’t know. I just need a break from life isn’t that what summer should be?? and I might go to the counseling center but they probably won’t have an appointment for weeks so that’s not going to be much help