#more angst

seeing her cue, shoko leaves the room, letting you guys have your moment.

“i don’t know what to say…you’re so pretty, i don’t know how i got you” his finger brushes over your knuckles as he looks at your wedding ring.

out of breath from the amount of affection he’s shown in under a minute in comparison to the rest of your marriage you exhale, answering “we were arranged to marry.”

“oh well! a great choice then” he looks away, rubbing his neck, is he getting nervous?

gojo looks back at you, a sudden question on his tongue “shoko said we have a daughter?”

tears well as you recall that he had not only forgotten you but also your pregnancy and his child. you close your eyes shut, a frown creasing your forehead, unable to answer.

seeing your expression gojo lifts his hand coming up to cup your cheek.

feeling his sudden touch, you flinch away, eyes shooting open, not used to any sort of affection from him.

“i’m so sorry! i shouldn’t have done that…” he trails off utterly confused by your reaction.

he didn’t remember. ofcourse he doesn’t remember, how he treated you all that time when you were married to him. to rephrase, his lack of treatment towards you.

your life savior, shoko walks back in then announcing that he’s ready to be discharged and can meet his daughter when he gets home.

“YAAAAAAY!” gojo jumps to his feet, fists pumped up, you instinctively reach for him, hands retracting when you notice what you’re doing.

your jaw drops seeing him act like this as you make eye contact with shoko.

she just shrugs giving you a thumbs up.

this is going to take a lot of getting used to…

after all the ruckus with the clan members greeting him and him seeping up all the praise you finally make it back to your part of the estate.

accompanied by gojo who tried to return back to his room and you pulled him along to the side of the estate you both shifted to after marriage.

“woah woah okay! i’m nervous, i’m a dad? what the hell!! who allowed that to happen?” you look at him in disbelief, thinking about the number of students he ALSO kind of adopted and had under his wing.

however shoko warned you not to remind him of his past too quickly, and to take it slow with him.

he remembered megumi but after that it was all blank for him, he’d asked you about them on the way here but not wanting to break his heart you said they were busy and that he could meet fushiguro later.

opening the door, you walk in first, eyes landing on your daughter currently laying in her cot, accompanied by your appointed nurse.

spotting you, the nurse takes her leave as you approach your baby, cooing and pulling her into your arms her little coddled body pressed against your heart.

you’ve waited for this moment for so long, in your dreams you imagined how it would go down, gojo meeting his daughter for the first time.

you turn then, bring his daughter to him as the strongest stands stunned, unable to look away.

there is a feeling, or well multiple in gojo’s heart, a feeling of absence. ever since he woke up and had shoko explain to him what happened.

always the master of a facade he put on a smile, confidence exuding his frame retrograde amnesia? pssshhh whatever he could handle anything,

until you.

you walked in then, and his heart leapt. shoko said he was married and he was a dad? what the heck who allowed THAT to happen?

carefully controlling his expression, cocky as ever even when you sat beside him, you with all your beauty, he patted himself on the back appreciative of his past self that got you!

and look at that ring! that’s a rock, he must’ve loved you with all his heart he knew it, he believed it.

all his dreams and assumptions came crashing down when you flinched away from his touch.

gojo assured himself it must’ve been a mistake, after all your husband, himself had been sealed and you’d had to handle everything on your own.

he didn’t forget it tho, it irked him the rest of the day.

why did she react that way? he asked himself again and again reaching inside his mind only finding that feeling of absence.

he snaps out of these thoughts when he sees his daughter all coddled up in your arms.

she’s a mirror of himself staring back at him, with those eyes one exactly like his and the other exactly like yours.

“i..don’t know how to hold a newborn” his composed exterior breaks as he looks to you for help.

he brings her, his daughter into his arms the way you instructed, sensing a wetness on his cheek he reaches up with his other hand realizing that he’s crying.

gojo’s heart clenches at the sight of the little life in his hands, her cursed energy glowing soft he looks at you for assurance but feels jabbed in the heart once more.

you’re looking at him in awe, as if you’re unable to believe the sight infront of you.

hmm maybe i wasn’t as expressive with my emotions before…gojo concludes.

from this moment on he vows to himself to protect and cherish you both, his daughter and his wife forever.

that night, when you put your daughter to sleep the question of where you and him were going to sleep arises.

“oh um we always shared the bed before..you know” you muttered going around the bed to sit on your side.

gojo watches you rub lotion on your hands, it’s sweet scent lifting into the air, as he mulls over your response.

and then a thought crosses his mind.

you didn’t even kiss him, or well didn’t even hold his hand.

isn’t that what married people do?

so he decides to initiate it himself, plopping down by your side.

“so….did you miss me?” he drawls checking your reaction.

“ofcourse i did” you reply without missing a beat.

gojo kisses his teeth, leaning back on his arms “well it clearly doesn’t seem like it” he observes you from the corner of his eye.

“oh…” you trail off which frustrates him even more.

is she playing hard to get?

according to what he’d heard he was in the prison realm for 19 days, did she seriously not miss his presence? gojo shakes his head utterly confused.

“your actions contradict your statement” he says in a sing song-y voice.

frustrated by again, silence from your end he turns to face you, both hands coming to rest by your sides.

satisfied by the goosebumps on your skin and the flush rising up your cheeks he leans closer to you, both your faces inches apart.

wow her eyes..and those soft lips, i wonder what they taste like..

gojo’s thoughts scatter when he feels you push his on his chest, moving him away from you.

“it’s been a long day satoru, we should get some rest” you smile at him, but he can see through you.

you’re…not used to him, acting like this? this is not normal for you.

huh.

later that night, when you’re both asleep on your respective sides of the bed, gojo wakes to a loud cry and your hurried footsteps leaving the bed.

his hands instinctively reach out, the warmth of you now gone an empty space left behind.

standing up he groggily walks to his daughters cot rubbing his eyes trying to see what’s wrong.

“is everything okay?” he cracks one eye open to look at you swaddling the baby in your arms.

“yeah, it’s just her feeding time” you explain.

gojo watches you lift your shirt, your soft breasts coming into view.

flushing he looks away, but then he remembers that technically you’re both married so he looks back at you, who is now nursing the baby.

oh.

tears prick his eyes again, watching you as realization dawns that it wasn’t just him becoming a father. you were experiencing motherhood as well, that too for the first time.

he thinks about how hard it must’ve been for you, those sleepless nights caring for the baby and managing yourself postpartum. he understands now why you were adamant on sleeping earlier tonight.

leaving it on that note, he vows to help you nowonwards and that he does.

many nights pass like this, with most times satoru getting up before you to calm his daughter lulling her back to sleep, only waking you up if he felt it was time for feeding.

in those early days, it was difficult, getting used to sleepless nights and cranky mornings, making breakfast for you and formula for the baby a chore he took upon himself out of love for the both of you.

slowly he relearned (according to him) how you liked your eggs made,and about his daughter multiple new things: how to make baby formula, how to change a diaper, how to make a baby burp, how to lull a baby to sleep.

he’d be busy the rest of the day, back to his duties and missions, unable to assist you or well do anything with you for that matter.

it had proven to be very difficult, you were great at conversation but the moment he tried to advance it with touch or any sort of affection you’d retreat.

he’d constantly test the limits to see where you drew the line, frustration building up in him over time, unable to understand why?

until one day, you let your guard down.

it was an early morning, with a night filled with fits of sleep and the baby at some point having been brought into the bed to lay inbetween you and gojo.

his face resting on his arm, he watches the two of you sleep. noting similarities, with the both of you sleeping on your back one hand raised up over the pillow as if waving hello.

his two cute beckoning cats.

gojo’s heart soared, he felt like the luckiest man in the world. even though the gap between you and him and the absence of his memory grew larger he was still extremely grateful for everything you had given him and more.

slowly, he finds two differently colored eyes blinking up at him, his daughter now awake.

gojo coos bringing his finger down to rub her cheek. your daughter grabs onto his finger, her gummy hands closing around him, with a newborns inbuilt undying grip.

surprised at her strength gojo laughs “oh so you think you’re stronger?” he boops her nose watching it scrunch up in a way so similar to you.

“i challenge you to an epic showdown my child!” gojo boomed, playing with both her arms punching into the air as she watched clearly entertained.

well there was no doubt, he was a good father.

you wake up soon after, drowsy, lids heavy you smile at the sight of satoru play fighting your newborn.

eyes flicking to yours, gojo’s attention shifts as he mouths a quick “good morning” to you.

“good morning” you reply, still sleepy, eyes half closed.

gojo touches your face then, his large hand coming up to cup your cheek “get some more sleep, i’ve got her”

he watches in shock as you finally, finally melt into his touch. letting him show you affection, you nod slowly returning back to much needed sleep.

gojo’s heart threatens to beat out of his chest, he looks back at his daughter knowing he shouldn’t say this in front of her but…

“holy shit.”

days pass, like this, with you maintaining your distance, yet your rage that you’d tramped down now grows within you.

you’ve seen the potential in him, to be a great father which he is but to be a great husband as well. you feel wronged, that he withheld this side of himself from you.

frustration builds everytime gojo tries to show you affection now, you look at him as if you don’t recognize this man. and you really don’t.

now he decides to be expressive? now he suddenly switches up and expects you to as well? and what about all those time he deprived you of love.

what about all that time you spent in an unhappy marriage?

conveniently for him, he doesn’t remember any of that.

so now you play the role of parents to your daughter, you bottle everything up again, watching your soul hollow out as you operate on auto pilot.

saying the right thing where needed and trying your best to stay away, from him.

getting ready to host for an upcoming reunion of all of gojo’s colleagues and friends including higher ups and high ranking officials you put on your finest dress and jewelry.

having nursed the baby already, you dress her in a cute little frock with tiny shoes that make your heart crumble.

your baby now 3 months old plays with her own hands watching you doll her up.

“ahh” she coos seeing your husband, gojo approach and pick her up.

“daddy’s little princess is ready to go” your baby smiles happy to be talked to.

your breath gets knocked out as you look back at gojo, the suit he’s wearing sharpening his features, as he sways your daughter unaware of the effect he has on you.

you gulp looking away sorting out some final things and preparing extra bottles of formula in case your baby gets hungry during the function.

the event starts, people arriving in waves with flowers and multiple tokens of appreciation, slowly the front table gets filled with gifts as you and gojo greet the guests.

mechanically you stand and smile where needed, making slight jokes, slowly this notion starts to overwhelm you and you drift away from the chatter towards the drinks.

you bring a glass up to your lips looking around the room, spotting megumi playing with your baby trying to make her giggle as your nurse stands closeby.

a small smile etches onto your lips and you continue looking around the room, finishing a glass of wine and taking another.

slowly the pain you’ve been carrying as a constant beat of anxiety in your heart numbs, your eyes glossing over as you find that familiar hue of blue looking at you from across the room.

you hold his gaze, unable to look away. gojo’s in a crowd people talking to him but his eyes are on you, unrelenting.

you gulp and avert your gaze reaching for another glass until you hear a clink. one of the higher ups commands a toast to the strongest sorcerer alive gojo satoru, and his family who stood by him in those trying times.

gojo comes to stand next to you, tall and assertive leaning down to your level “you’re kind of distracting tonight” he whispers.

the scarlet-turn of your ears doesn’t escape his notice.

feeling a bit tipsy you tune out whatever speech the higher ups are giving, filled with praise of some sort, taking pride when they had no role in any of gojo’s achievements. heck they weren’t even there to drive you to the hospital, you had to go yourself.

you grimace looking away, agitated by the voice droning in your ear, when suddenly you feel gojo’s hand on yours.

he brings your hand up wanting to kiss it infront of everybody, the movement so sudden that you can’t help but jerk your hand back, maintaining a neutral expression as you notice gojo struggle to maintain his outward facade.

the crowd raises their glasses to the seemingly perfect couple that survived such a difficult ordeal together as you bring your daughter in your arms including her in the praise.

slowly the crowd disperses, people start to drink and chat in circles, some dance and some decide to go home. noticing a tired look in your daughters eyes you scoop her up in your arms taking her back to your side of the estate.

away from the commotion, the night quiet and cold, you tighten the blanket around your daughter as you shudder making sure she doesn’t catch a cold.

after placing her in her cot, you feel a presence behind you. those arcane-like eyes cut through the shadows sending a chill down your spine.

“she fell asleep” you state, swaying a bit.

am i drunk?

“right…are you drunk?” gojo questions a look of concern crossing his expression.

however when asked by him, the question irks you the wrong way.

“no, i only had one drink” you watch him raise a quizzical brow at you.

“…or maybe three of four” still unrelenting.

you huff, “okay fine five, i had five drinks.”

passing a hand over his face satoru asserts “leave that, i need to speak to you”

he looks insane tonight, in a good way, your heart races, wondering whether it had gotten hotter in the room since you came in.

you shrug him off “i’m a little tired, i think i’ll go to bed, you can handle seeing everyone off right?”

gojo’s jaw ticks, the ghost of your husband that you used to know, shining through in that moment when he gives you a pointed look.

you give in letting him lead you to another room.

“what is it” you exhale, tonight’s events weighing down on you.

gojo stands back hands in his pockets, “why?” he questions.

“what?”

“you know what i’m talking about” his tone curt.

no response.

“you dropped my hand” he looks aghast almost in pain.

“i did no such thing”

your dance of deflection begins again.

“you dropped my hand, infront of everyone during the toast” noticing how serious he is about this you excuse yourself, “satoru, im too tired for this let’s discuss this in the morning?”

you motion to leave, but his hand grabs your arm halting any movement.

“no.”

“no what?-“ your grind your teeth, wanting to get away.

“i won’t let you leave before you give me an explanation”

you’re silent again.

growing increasingly agitated at your lack of response gojo speaks, “you think i haven’t noticed? do you think i’m stupid?”

“i don’t, please tell me what i said to make you feel that way” you try to change the topic.

“it’s not what you said, it’s your actions. do you think i don’t see it? the way you react to my touch, you make me feel as if any affection from me revolts you.”

feigning ignorance you tread on, “when did that happen?”

“oh come on” he says your name, wounded “for once just please, please be honest with me”

that hits a nerve.

“honest, you want me to be honest?” you take a sharp inhale, trying to calm down.

he nods, unaware of what’s coming.

“when have YOU ever been honest with me” you jab an accusatory finger in his direction, voice rising, cracks forming in the resolve you’d built up tonight and throughout your entire marriage.

gojo stares in shock, taken aback by your response.

“you want me to be honest with you, crazy for someone who’s lied to me our entire marriage, i see who you are now, i see the real you, what did i do to not to deserve this before?” you clutch at your chest your emotions spilling out.

“it’s all a facade, an elaborate lie. you never showed me affection, when you actually knew me, when you knew the real me, that past me that yearned for any scrap of attention from you. pathetically enough i still do” unable to stand the look in his eyes, you turn your head away.

“you don’t love me. you don’t feel any true affection towards me. you do it out of obligation. just like the past you. you just tolerate me.” and it comes out, everything you’d been holding in all this time.

voice confused gojo responds, “i…don’t understand”

“ofcourse, you don’t understand. you know why? because you were BLESSED with your loss of memory. but me? i remember it alright? those memories still haunt me” you watch him flinch under your harsh tone.

the multiple drinks you had talking now, “i haven’t forgotten, i have had to live through it all, when you got the easy way out” you hit a nerve with that last line.

“easy way out?” he scoffs, “seriously? you think i got the easy way out, i feel incomplete as a man, i feel lost as if i’m losing my damn mind.”

you open your mouth to interject, but he cuts you off.

“it kills me on the inside, i grasp for answers, which you won’t give me and my own mind conceals from me as i try to piece together the puzzle of who i was to you before all of this happened” he catches his breath, an expression of absolute devastation painted on his face.

tears prick your eyes, threatening to fall as you blink hard trying to regain control of yourself.

you stare in shock as he pleads “please, help me.”

shoko’s instructions resurface in your mind.

gojo watches you turn away then.

without a word, leaving his heart in pieces behind you.

…

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