#physical update

well, here’s an actual update on my physical transition for the first time in forever!

living with a roommate has allowed me to compare a lot of the things i’m experiencing and realize they’re not normal!

for instance: spiro does, in fact, make you pee all of the time. i thought i used the bathroom a normal number of times a day, and have since discovered that this thought is wrong.

another one; i think my moodswings are a lot worse than i thought ?? i thought i had them under control but i never really noticed how quickly and often i go from “squealing over a new anime episode” to “everything hurts what if my girlfriend doesn’t love me” in a given period of time.

also recently i’ve begin to realize that not everyone constantly feels like they’re going to die any second, and have periods of time where they panic because they’re absolutely certain that something terrible is going to happen and they’re going to die

pretty sure no one else i know has written their will out already because they *know* death is coming for them

also i found out that my eating habits are definitely unhealthy

Ill probably formally organize this mess of a blog at some point, but here's how I'm going to tag things:

#journey - anything that might help others map out how my transition went in terms of physical and social changes, as well as how my regimen changed over time.

#physical update - things to do with my body changing as a result of my transition

#social update - things to do with how i'm viewed in society changing as a result of my transition

#medication update - things to do with how my transition medication is changing

#life update - things to do with how my life is changing

#milestone - things to do with me achieving certain milestones, such as going to prom. these are going to be the happy posts.

#trans thoughts - things to do with the thoughts I have about trans stuff

#timeline - pictures of me that I post

#off topic - things to do with other events going on in my life

#religion - stuff related to my religious life as a transgender christian

First of all, an update: I've been on my double dosage for almost a month now, and I'm super confident that this is the correct amount that I should be taken (as much as I can be without blood tests, anyway).

I feel really comfortable in my skin, my breasts hurt like all of the time, and I feel like my changes have gone from a standstill to progress again!

Despite all of my stress from work and stuff, in terms of my transgender experience, I think I'm doing okay. I don't need to wear makeup as much when I dress up, and my facial hair has FINALLY slowed down. It was unchanged before so I'm really glad that it's no longer a thing I have to worry about (although I wish it had happened before I bought all my shaving stuff).

Now, the really good news:

I spent the past hour watching people's trans timelines on YouTube and I'm somewhat regretting not taking intermittent photos

Couldn't really be helped though since parents were always home and my first thoughts were never "I should take a progress photo" when they weren't

Plus. I don't think I thought I'd actually get this far.

But I mean, it's almost been a year now, and I'm pretty sure there have definitely been some changes

Maybe not a lot, considering I've been self medicating and kept myself at the lowest possible dose for most of the year, but still some

Also good news! I've been purposely trying to keep my voice high since like seventh grade and I think it's definitely paid off! You can't get a higher voice from hormones, but when I sing and stuff my range is a lot higher and I don't think I sound all that masculine? Which makes me happy! Also I heard my voice in a recording for the first time in forever on my Snapchat and literally I didn't recognize my own voice because I thought it was some other girl

Maybe it doesn't actually sound that feminine irl, but either way it's something ^^

Lots of good things and bad things happening.

I decided to just say "fuck it" and bought a decent $100 dress online, had it shipped to a friend for $30 bc expedited shipping, and need to buy white tights and make up remover wipes now.

It's costing all of my savings, but I figured at this point I think I fucking deserve it.

I am very, very concerned that my mom is taking me to get a haircut tomorrow in preparation for the MOST interview. If she cuts it too short, I might just not go to homecoming and just die instead. I really, really need to pass.

I'm stressing out because I don't have the money to afford all this and my dad might look at my bank account statement and flip his shit and I'm afraid he'll see the $130 payment to promgirl and that would be really fucking bad for me, considering that this is the same dad that flips chairs over when I ask for a rose gold iPhone.

I just really need more money ugh why is life like this

I wish I had supportive parent who didn't care I was trans and would just buy me dresses and makeup and let me be happy ;;

Instead no I need to somehow come up with hundreds of dollars even though I'm just 17 and don't have an official job and I'm honestly just really struggling with that rn

In other news, I bought hair removal cream, which took me 45 minutes to figure out, but works wonders. I hope my mom doesn't notice, because I don't have an excuse.

I'm also starting notice that my shirt has mounds in it when I'm laying down? Barely noticeable but still suspicious so I need to start being careful

I don't know if I'll make it to college

There's just so many risks and I'm not in a good spot especially financially lmao