#phm angst

Your classroom in Grover Cleveland Elementary was quiet. With the scribbling of crayons and the kid’s chatter gone, your only company in the empty room was silence. All of your fellow teachers left an hour ago, and your third graders had scrambled to leave long before. 

The sun was beginning to dip below the horizon, bathing the room in warm, golden rays. Yet, you couldn’t tear your eyes away from the wall of papers.

Not when the man you loved, albeit poorly drawn, stared back at you from thirty different papers. In every single drawing, he had a huge smile on his face. You frowned looking at it.

Earlier today, you’d assigned this classic project to your students. The instructions were clear: “Who is your hero?” 

In past years, most kids did their parents. Moms, dads, and the occasional superman or spiderman would fill the exact wall you stood in front of now.

But this year was different. The Hail Mary launch was only a few weeks prior, so you’d expected one, maybe two pictures of Ryland. 

Yet, you greatly underestimated how enthusiastic your kids would be about space, and how a science teacher, who was formerly a part of Grover Cleveland’s staff, was on the mission.

You scanned the papers, wishing he were here next to you to admire the work. Normally, he would be, and you struggled to avoid thinking about the gaping hole in your life with him gone— No more pop in’s during your lunch breaks. No more texts in the middle of the day, asking if you guys should get takeout or cook at home for the night. No more returning home to a warm house full of life. Full of him.

You felt fresh tears springing up in your eyes, so instead, you thought about your class from today.

Excited gossip filled the room as your kids dutifully colored. You sat at your desk, grading last week’s vocab quizzes, trying hard not to think too hard about Ryland. Unfortunately for you, it was nearly impossible to ignore the rapid fire commentary happening around you.

“Mr. Grace is so cool! I want to go to space like him!”

“I wish I had him as my teacher!”

“He’s so brave, he’s definitely my hero.”

“I bet he was excited to help save the world!”

That last comment made you pause. You looked at the sweet little girl that said it, and how earnest her smile was.

She had already moved on, only meant it as a passing comment, but her words echoed in your head. Because you knew, deep in your soul, it was a lie.

Ryland had been acting strangely over the past few months. He would return home at unpredictable hours, the dark circles under his eyes progressively getting worse. All you knew was that he had been recruited as a scientist to help figure out the Petrova line problem. He couldn’t tell you much else, not just because of the NDA’s, but also because of how little he was home.

Most nights, you would try to wait up for him, but sometimes he wouldn’t even return. And when you’d wake up in the morning, bleary eyes meeting his vacant spot, your heart would twist with the bitter realization that he was barely there anymore.

You’d give anything for his side of the bed to be warm again.

When you eventually saw him a few days later, you knew something was wrong. He brushed it off as last minute experiments and late night meetings, and blindly, you’d accepted his words. You thought, surely, there must be hundreds of other scientists working on this sun dimming problem.

Ryland was just doing his part, rejoining the scientific community, and using his knowledge to help the world. And at the end of the day, he’d return to you like he always did. But never in your worst nightmares did you imagine him getting ripped away from you so suddenly and violently. 

And that was the worst part. You had no notice. No time to prepare. Only immense, immediate loss and the soul crushing news that he was gone for good.

And without a doubt, you knew that your student's innocent words were false. You knew Ryland wasn’t excited to save the world, and that he didn’t sacrifice himself, because he would have come back to you. Just to hold you one last time and sear a final kiss into your skin so you’d never forget the feel of him. Hell, knowing him, he wouldn't have left in the first place.

Whatever it was, if it were truly up to him, he would have come back. That, you were sure of.

A knock on the door startled you out of your thoughts. You glanced up and saw a woman walking in, wearing all black and a grim expression to match. She had sympathetic eyes, but the weary lines of her face had clearly been an accumulation of stress over the years, hardening her exterior.

None of that mattered though. What immediately caught your attention wasn’t her looks, but what she carried— an all too familiar yellow raincoat. 

You sucked in a sharp breath, eyes widening when you saw it. “Where did you get that.”

She dipped her head solemnly, wasting no time in answering despite your accusatory tone, as if she was already prepared for your harsh greeting. “Eva Stratt with the Petrova task force. This was Dr. Grace’s. He would have wanted you to have it.” Her voice was punctual, like she wanted to get straight to the point. She held the jacket out, but your body refused to move.

You eyed her, the tension in the air thickening by the second. The Petrova task force. What Ryland had been working on before he abruptly got on that cursed, one way ship. 

A moment of silence filled the room. Finally, you slowly met her eyes, your voice barely coming out in a whisper. “It was you. You forced him to go, didn’t you?”

She closed her eyes, a quiet sigh escaping her, and it told you all you needed to know. 

You shook your head, almost disbelieving. “You murdered him.”

Eva spoke softly, like she was trying to justify her actions. “You were the greatest factor in the decision. We— I tried to come up with another solution, but there was no alternative. Dr. Grace was our only hope.” A beat of silence. “I’m sorry.”

You scoffed. “You’re not,” you laughed bitterly.

She accepted your words, not even trying to fight back. It only made you angrier. Wordlessly, she held out the jacket again, gesturing for you to take it. 

You snatched the fabric from her hands, desperate to preserve any remnants of Ryland you could. It still smelled faintly of him, and the jacket wrinkled from your vise-like grip.

“The pocket.”

You glanced up at Eva, who now had her arms crossed. As she said the words, her brows scrunched up ever so slightly, like she was fighting back from showing too much emotion.

Slowly, you reached into the right coat pocket, a feeling of dread suddenly coming over you. At the very bottom, your hands wrapped around a smooth, velvet box. Your stomach dropped.

With trembling fingers, you brought the small box out, delicately setting the coat down on your desk. You knew what it was, and yet you’ve never wanted to be wrong more in your life.

You popped it open. At the sight of the small object inside, you couldn’t contain the sob that escaped you. 

A simple diamond ring twinkled up at you from its snug spot. It was one clearly bought off of a teacher’s salary. Not too flashy. Made with your favorite metal. Exactly how you’d like it.

Undoubtedly from Ryland, to you.

You weren’t sure when you crumpled to the ground, or when the tears started flowing freely, or when your ragged breathing turned into choked sobs. All you could think to do was clutch the precious band in your fingers, wishing with your entire being that none of this was real.

But all you felt was a gaping hole in your chest. He had been so close. So close to tying the knot and allowing you to take his last name, ensuring your lives would be intertwined.

But no. Your future, the one that included Ryland, had been irrevocably altered. By fate, the universe, Eva Stratt. It didn't matter who did it, just that it had been done.

Eva couldn’t watch anymore. She knew as soon as she found the ring that she would deliver it to you— it was meant to be yours, after all. Only the person meant to give it to you would be different. She'd decided the sooner the better, and now, the deed was done.

“Goodbye, Mrs. Grace.”

Eva dipped her head and left. She didn’t say anything more, and she wasn’t even sure if you heard her. She simply closed the door with a soft click, muffling your sobs from the rest of the world.

You’re not sure how long you sat there, grieving the man that got torn away from you before he could even propose. Really, it didn't matter how many hours you'd spend on the cold floor of your dark classroom, or how many times you could exhaust your eye sockets of tears.

All the time in the world would never be able to heal what you'd lost.

Space was a vast, unforgivable, beautiful thing. At times, you marveled at its beauty and other times you fought down the urge to scream. When you had the energy, you felt angry at the every passing star and galaxy for reminding you of the slow passage of time, suspended in the darkness with your small food supply dwindling away. 

Despite the vastness, you were never lonely. The three of you were, by all accounts, alone, but you felt closer to Ryland and Rocky than you ever had with anyone back on Earth. Still, small things began to disappear just as your supplies did. The jokes started to get fewer and farther in between, and the play fighting disappeared underneath your noses. The experiments that had been used to keep you busy on your long journey had come to a halt. The separation between the three sections on the Hail Mary started to become inconsequential, your bodies losing the energy to move between spaces. Ryland and you started to shrink, not quite withering away, but not all the way there either. Your skin started to turn a sickly shade and the muscles on Ryland’s arms faded over time, leaving weakness where strong bones had once been.

Rocky became your caretaker and, at times, you wondered if you’d have flashbacks of this moment when you were older and it really was the end. On your darker days, you wondered if you’d ever get to see that end.

Rocky fed the both of you the comma slurry and then eventually the Taumoeba every morning and evening. The three of you were always together, usually cozied up on one of the beds, curled around each other to preserve body heat. It was horribly sad if you thought about it for too long, you’re two mischievous quippy boys turning silent for sometimes hours at a time, if not nearly whole days. You didn’t think about it that much though. With your limited food, your body had started to work itself into its own type of coma. You and Ryland did little more than sleep, and when you were awake your brain felt bogged down by mush, like someone had tied rocks onto all of your thoughts and threw them in the ocean.

When your brain was lighter though, you missed the person you’d used to be. You missed the way a smile felt on your face, and the way you used to steal Ryland’s equipment to get a reaction out of him, you missed your intelligent mind and your quick reflexes and the way you used to pepper Rocky with questions about the cultures and psychology of the Eridian people. 

You lasted so long in the darkness, but there was a time near the end of your travels where you started to lose yourself entirely. You were only a few months from Erid, practically in the same solar system when it started to all feel pointless, where the gun that Yáo had left had started to seem enticing. At first you didn’t tell anyone about it, until one day Rocky started to have to spoon feed you your Taumoeba portion for the day and with trembling hands you told him that you didn’t know if you could make it. He listened to you as you cried, then sobbed, and then grew too tired to talk at all. He helped you change your clothes and brush your teeth, and gently scratched your scalp as he washed your hair for you.

“Promise Rocky you try to make it,” he insisted as he brushed out your hair for you.

Your eyes were stuck on the stark white of the metal hull. It all seemed so dull, so lifeless to you. “I don’t know if I can, Rock.”

Rocky gently untangled a knot that you’d left in your hair for days, but his voice was strong. “Promise Rocky you try. Rocky cannot watch another friend die.”

At this, you seemed to sober. You finally remembered Ryland in the room beside you two, fast asleep, and no idea that this conversation was happening. You were grateful for that small mercy at least, you didn’t think you could bear to tell him any of this. He would break against the news, like a boat against the tide. A thought occurred to you then, appearing between hazy visions of the end, that by leaving this world, you might make Ryland and Rocky’s worlds unlivable too.

Rocky placed one of his arms on top of your heart. “Rocky will save. You try? Question?”

You looked over at Rocky, the one who was single handedly keeping you and your human companion alive and found that you couldn’t say no. You didn’t know for certain that you would make it but for the time being you couldn’t stomach the thought of giving Rocky one more dead body to live with. You nodded and weakly replied in a horse voice that you would try. 

Promptly after, all items that could cause any harm to you were put out of sight. You weren’t sure if you just couldn’t find them or if Rocky had tossed them out the airlock, but either way, you knew the move was intentional. While Rocky couldn’t do much to improve most of your condition, he began to do additional things for you. He played with your hair so you could sleep peacefully. He placed Ryland on top of your body so that you could have some form of stimulation without either of you having to waste your energy. He gave you little puzzles, things that were really meant for children, but were a struggle to your malnourished mind. He said it was to keep your brain busy, but you guessed it was to fend off the darkness that was growing inside of you. 

You made good on your promise, and you tried despite how hard it was.

With a month left, you decided you were going to make it, using one last final push of your mental strength to make it to Erid. However, even after the Hail Mary was back on soil again, conditions didn’t improve all that much at first. The Eridians had to keep you inside the ship for quite some time, making sure that the environment that they were going to put you in was just right.

Ryland and you were still weak, your bodies just barely alive from the nutrition the Taumoeba provided you, but you helped with the experiments where you could, providing the scientists with your Earthly knowledge when you were alert enough to do so. With you and Ryland out of commission most of the time though, Rocky was the one who really managed the most. He visited with you and Ryland whenever he wasn’t eating or working. Despite the fact that he had a home, a mate at that, he only slept with the two of you watching over him.

Adrian came to see the three of you as often as they could. They were quiet, much less talkative than Rocky, and at first you had mistaken it for malcontent, but when they kept showing up you began to see it for what it was- caution. 

You couldn’t blame them, not with Rocky being gone for so many years and your presence keeping him mentally elsewhere now, but Adrian kept visiting you all the same. They never usually said much but their presence became a steady companion on the ship.

As time moved forward you began to become more at ease with their quiet, and they in turn, started to share more of their inner world with you.

The first day that you were out of the Hail Mary, you collapsed with relief onto the sand and rolled around until you were sure you would be dumping sand out of your pockets for days. You ran across the grassy area and screamed and then promptly had to lie back down, too out of breath to continue on. 

They implemented an ocean a week later and you and Ryland tested out the water. You held hands as you gradually stepped out into the ocean, and waited for the water to meet you on the shoreline. For a moment, it felt like it was just the two of you back on earth, aboard Stratt’s vat once more. Of course, you weren’t alone. A dozen scientists stood behind you, carefully watching you to make sure you didn’t have any sort of adverse effects to the water. 

Afterall, they had gone through a great deal trying to keep their two humans alive, so everything in the biodome was carefully monitored. At times, it was easy to feel like you were on an episode of the Truman show, but all of that was forgotten for a moment as you curled your toes into the wet sand.

When the ocean came in and placed a soft kiss across the top of your shin, it felt more real than anything had in a long while. You closed your eyes and listened to the peaceful wooshing sound of another wave coming back in. The scientists were still hard at work trying to figure out the optimal amount of sunlight for your dopamine production and circadian rhythms, but at that moment you felt okay. For the first time in a long time, you felt like you knew what you were fighting for, and it seemed like it was all worth it. 

As you and Ryland began to settle into your new home, the scientists were hard at work trying to improve your quality of life. The thrum had met and the best minds were all tasked with attempting to get the two of you to not only survive but to thrive on their planet. You were each given a team that you interacted with on a daily basis. You were given nutrition pills and daily routines, and though you resisted them at first, saying that there was no point, all Ryland had to do was to send you a pleading look and you caved. 

Despite the fact that you still hadn’t told him about the scary moment on the ship all of those months ago, he always seemed to know, so you begrudgingly took your pills and went on your walks. 

The Erids figured out the sun cycle, and found a way to plant you a garden. They brought you to it one day, and for the first time in years, you found yourself in front of a tree. It was small, shorter than you and for a moment you wondered if it was real, or if it was like the blue sky above you, only showing you what you wanted to see. 

You reached out and touched a leaf, and found the smooth crisp edge of a living plant. You felt each of the lines across the short green leaves and traced them with your fingertips. You barely managed to choke out a thank you before you fell into tears. 

After that moment, you took your medication, and went on your daily walks without comment. Rocky and Adrian were given suits like the ones that Rocky had used on the Hail Mary, and they visited you often, even setting up a house of their own on the beach. Though you were quiet for most days, you enjoyed their soothing company. 

Erid’s scientists had made new developments on your food, and Ryland had started to cook again. You noticed him humming to himself one evening, munching on some chips as he grilled burgers. After you had finished eating, you felt full, and your chest felt warmer. 

Time began to pass quicker, much faster than it had on the ship. You were given brighter clothes and you started to wear them occasionally. Rocky and Adrian established movie nights, and Ryland dragged you to each of them. 

One night, on one of your evening walks on the beach, the setting sun had aligned itself with the tiny buoys that the Erid’s had set up for ‘swim safety’. You looked at it for a moment, almost mistaking it for a ship because it was so far out. At that thought, you let out a loud laugh. It was a short note, just a little one, but the sound flowed through the beach, like a bird call. Your brows furrowed and you stared at the sun, realizing that your laughter was still inside of you. 

If you could still do that, then surely your joy was still there as well. 

The next week, Ryland didn’t have to drag you to movie night. 

He had started to meet with Rocky and the science team, and you had started to go with them. He was quickly pointed towards the school system, but you were given a special suit to enter the Eridian labs. 

Your work began to feel interesting once more, and you stopped dreading the feeling of waking up in the morning. You had started to enjoy your coworkers, gradually even learning a few Eridian words at a time. You traded your words like children exchanging candy, and then you and Ryland spoke about them late at night while he was prepping his lesson plans. 

One night, you caught yourself staring at him as he graded papers, transfixed by the way his muscles twitched as his hand scribbled across the pages. Suddenly, his muscles were back, and there was fat on his stomach, and you saw him smile at you multiple times a day. You knew it hadn’t really been sudden, but you felt as though you were truly taking him in for the first time in a long while. 

You looked in the mirror, the only one that you had in your house, and realized you were the same. Your muscles had grown back in, your skin was no longer sickly, and your ribcage wasn’t visible anymore. You looked healthy and you felt strong. 

For a moment, you caught Ryland’s eyes in the mirror and he quickly looked away, stifling his smile, and acting like he had been looking down at his notes the whole time. 

“You look better too,” you murmured, not quite having the nerve to turn around and face him. 

He looked at you through the mirror again. “I know, it’s just good to recognize your face again.”

You opened your mouth to respond but nothing came out, so you let the moment pass. 

Ryland’s cooking was the cause of most of it. No matter how bad of a mood you were in, you couldn’t resist his food, and you started to make a habit of keeping him company while he made you both dinner. You talked about work and your Earth memories, and the passing of the seasons, but you mostly talked about how the both of you were doing. 

One night he made pancakes, and as he babbled onto you about something that had happened at school, you got an idea. It burst into your mind with color and urgency and you sneakily grabbed the chocolate chips from the counter when his back had been turned. 

He spun around and frowned, picking up the container of flour to make sure that it hadn’t snuck under it somehow. 

You watched as he opened cabinets and pulled out drawers, and you grabbed a handful to snack on as you watched your show. Unfortunately, your bite was a little loud and Ryland immediately caught you in the act. 

He folded his arms across his chest. “I should’ve known it was you.”

You shrugged, but didn’t give it back just yet. “Its been awhile,” you said, and it came out softer than you’d meant it to. 

Ryland sighed and dropped his arms. “Too long, some might say,” he answered, as if you didn’t have to explain yourself at all. 

You had started to do things without someone having to drag it out of you, and your scientists seemed to watch you from a little further away. You started to dance in the living room of your small cottage, and only got caught by Ryland once. You tended to your garden and you loved your job and you always made time for Rocky and Adrian. 

As if on que, everyone around you had started to bloom, like they had just been waiting on you to catch up. Rocky and Ryland’s conversations grew more animated, and soon your house was covered with trinkets that the little Erids had given you, or as Ryland liked to call them, ‘his pebbles’.

One morning you woke up to find Ryland making bacon and eggs. You yawned and stretched in the doorway and he immediately noticed your presence. 

“Want some?” he asks, pointing to the pan with a spatula.

You nodded and stepped into the kitchen with a skip in your step. “Yes, please.”

You sat and watched him make it, taking in the careful way that he flipped the eggs so the yolk didn’t break.

He handed you a plate, and you sunk into one of the seats at the little island in the middle of your kitchen. “Did you like my gift?”

You frowned for a moment, looking over at him to find him wryly eyeing you from over the top of his glasses. 

“What?”

His eyes flicked down at your plate, and you followed his gaze towards the perfectly arranged smiley face that he’d made out of your two eggs and a piece of bacon. 

You snorted and rolled your eyes. “You are such a dork,” you murmured, grabbing a piece of toast to dig in your eggs. 

He narrowed his eyes at you, his gaze more intense. “Really? Cause I’m pretty sure I just got a laugh out of you.”

You shook your head, instead choosing to shovel your food into your mouth rather than face him. 

Ryland spun his chair around, fully placing all of his attention firmly on you. “Are you sure? I swear I heard a snort.”

Your eyes flitted towards him and even that millisecond nearly made you melt into the floor. The way he looked at you with such a caring look in his eyes but that little mischievous smirk made you feel both too loved and too preciously vulnerable. You felt your face heat up and you suddenly felt like you knew what was coming next. A prickling sense of foreshadowing threatened to swallow you whole, but you pushed the feeling away. “Nope. Just rolled my eyes.” 

“Right,” Ryland said, his voice rising in pitch, but only moving closer towards you.

Suddenly, your mind was filled with visions of a Ryland and you from long ago, ones where he would’ve picked you up and dug his fingers into your sides. Memories of raspberries blown on the sensitive skin of your neck and fingernails scratching across your stomach flooded your senses. It hit you like that first wave had a few months ago, and it made you want to crawl into the great depths of the cool beyond. The feeling had been gone for so long that you had nearly forgotten about it, but here you were, already a little breathless. Though Ryland was only looking at you, it almost felt like his hands were already there, climbing up your sides and the thought made shivers cascade down your spine and tingles crawl up your neck. You almost instinctively moved your arms to cover your stomach, but no one was there for you to defend against. A sense of want, perhaps even need filled you, and you realized that you missed the feeling. You wanted him closer, and your giggles to fill up the small cottage. 

“I didn’t laugh,” you forced out, barely managing to keep eye contact as you said it. It had been different on the Hail Mary, it was an unspoken thing that when you mouthed off or complained that you were bored, you got tickled. You had told him you didn't mind it at first, and then told him you liked it. You were on a suicide mission, so everything else seem inconsequential, embarrassment and dignity long forgotten. You had thought you were going to die, but here you were, alive and well, and that familiar feeling wrapping around you like a quilted blanket. 

Except now, you were alive, and Ryland was looking at you like you were one of his experiments that he didn’t quite have a hypothesis for yet. 

“Well, then I guess I’ll just have to find another way to make you laugh.”

He leaned back into his own chair and out of your personal space and you felt the loss of attention immediately. Fighting for anything, you reached out and poked his shoulder. 

“Good luck with that,” you remarked, hoping you sounded snarky instead of desperately hopeful. 

Ryland looked at you out of the corner of his eye, his lips momentarily twitching, but didn’t otherwise retaliate. You internally searched for a way to keep the moment going, but your mind was drawing blanks, and before you knew it, you were helping him clear the kitchen. 

Shortly after, he moved to the little love seat to grade papers, his usual Saturday morning routine, and you disappeared back into your bedroom, cursing yourself for your inaction. 

You shut the door behind yourself, and sunk to the floor against it, holding your face in your hands. You groaned and blushed, thinking of the way that he had looked at you and wondered what he’d been thinking. You didn’t know how much he’d thought of those playful moments on the Hail Mary, or if he’d care to repeat them either. You’d changed a lot since the ship had taken off, and he had too, he might not even want to tickle you anymore, and that thought scared you more than anything. You had come back from your darkness, but what if the two of you were too different now?

You debated this thought as you made your bed and opened your windows to let the sea breeze in. You couldn’t bear to sit with your own thoughts so you started to clean your room, which luckily wasn’t as bad as it had been a few months ago. You played music from your computer as you worked, distracting yourself from the storm that was brewing in your brain. 

A soft knock came from the door a few hours after you’d taken a break for lunch and you slipped your headphones down onto your neck to open it. 

Ryland stood there in his soft jacket that had the little foxes on it. “You want to head over to Rocky and Adrian’s? We’re watching The Barbie movie.”

You placed your headphones on the desk and shut off your computer. “Sure.”

“Wow, and I didn’t even have to drag you along,” Ryland teased. 

“You’ve never had to drag me,” you crossed your arms. “That’s a bit dramatic.”

Ryland held up a finger, a silly grin on his face. “No, but I could if I wanted to. 

You deadpanned. “You could not.”

He raised his brows and you felt the thing inside of you unfurling and beginning to take root. “Could so.”

“Could not.” 

In an instant, Ryland was reaching his hands out towards you and you jumped out of instinct. Unfortunately, your instincts were a little out of tune and he easily grabbed ahold of you, hoisting you up bridal style. 

You squeaked and immediately pictured the noise in a different context, one that had you in helpless giggles and pointless squirming.

“Ryland!” you yelled, your heart rate rising and the heat coming back to your face. 

Suddenly, you were back on the ground, your feet firmly planted on your stone floors. You looked over at him in confusion but he only shrugged. “Just had to prove a point.”

You tried to keep the disappointment off of your face, but you didn’t have much time to think about it before Rocky was barging into the cottage. “Friends taking forever, humans need Rocky to come get them for everything? Question?”

Ryland chortled. “Rock, we were literally just about to walk out the door.”

Rocky wiggled his carapace and it took you a second to realize he was imitating shaking his head. “Come, come, come, we go watch movie now.” 

Ryland and you half walked half ran across the beach to keep up with Rocky, kicking up sand as you went. You turned the corner and saw the familiar farm style house with a large red door.

It opened as if sensing your presence, revealing Adrian standing behind it. They moved out of the hallway to let all of you through, closing the door behind you since you were the last one in. “Did Rocky come get again?”

You opened your mouth but Rocky was faster. “Yes, Adrian. Was taking forever.”

Adrian quietly grumbled something in Eridian that you didn’t know the translation for and you couldn’t help but smile. After everything you’d gone through and all the other things that Ryland had put into that translator, he still hadn’t added curse words.

You heard Rocky and Ryland starting to already get into a very loud conversation so you and Adrian headed down the hall after them.

Their house was wide, open, and tall, but it was never cold. The hallway led to a series of entryways leading to their large staircase, the food storage room, and their living room, though it had a different name in Eridian that you couldn’t quite remember.

Rocky and Adrian were both very uncomfortable walking around on soft surfaces so the floor was mostly composed of stone, with the exception of the conversation pit in the middle of the room. There were no windows, though you could see one off of the entranceway to the room to the left of the tv. Luckily, the lack of light made it work excellently as a media room for your human eyes. 

Just under the tv was a color to texture machine that was set to match the above screen frame for frame, so there was no delay between what all of you were seeing through your different senses. Rocky and Ryland were by the fireplace, arguing over something with the connector between the computer and the tv. 

“I think it would just work better if you put it-”

“Grace not making sense. Statement.  Rocky can only-” he started but a curt buzz from Adrian shut him up. 

The boys separated and you and Adrian took your seats. You normally sat in front of them when you had movie nights, not because either of you had planned it that way but because Rocky needed to be behind Ryland so that the two of them could blubber on about the movie without having to lean over anyone else. 

You settled in on the right side of the pit, stretching your legs out and rubbing your feet together like a cricket as you cozied up. 

You looked over and saw Ryland grinning at you. “Comfortable now?”

You eyed him cautiously, waiting for him to make a joke but the punchline never came. Instead, he opened his arms to you, raising his brows. 

You held still for a second. It had been so long since you’d been held, since you’d even let anyone hug you that you were worried you might break upon contact. It hadn’t occurred to you to ask for those things when you were so deep in the darkness. However, your body had betrayed you before you even realized it, leaning in towards him without your permission. 

His arms curled around you and pulled you towards him, allowing you to rest your head on his shoulder, and moving you so that you were flush against his side, the soft material of his sweatpants brushing against your bare shins. 

Your heart immediately started hammering in your chest, and you went as stiff as a board. The movie started to play and you knew you should relax, but you couldn’t get yourself to calm down. You couldn’t remember how much of your weight you were supposed to lean on him or what you were supposed to do with your hands, and you were worried that your hair was getting caught in his beard or the zipper on his sweater. 

Ryland’s hand sat across your shoulder, firm and certain and you longed for the certainty behind his touch. You looked over at his hands, and then pictured them sneaking over to the side of your neck, then abruptly looked away. 

You heard murmuring beside your ear but you looked over at Ryland to find him staring at you. “What?”

“I asked if you were sore from your swim?”

You frowned, thinking of the way you had done more splashing around than actual swimming. You hadn’t even known that Ryland was home at the time and you had no idea why he would be asking about it. “Why?”

“You just seemed really tense, I was wondering if you were sore.”

“Oh,” you said, to give yourself time. If Ryland could tell you were tense then you could only imagine what Rocky and Adrian were thinking, and suddenly the way that Adrian had caught you at the door made more sense. You rolled your shoulders as if deciding but it did twinge a little bit. “I guess it does.” 

“Do you want me to give you a massage?”

“What?” you asked, though you actually had heard him that time, you just couldn’t process what your ears were taking in. 

Ryland seemed to bite back a smile at this, but at least saved you the embarrassment of teasing you. “Would you be alright with me giving you a massage?”

You tried to make your face neutral though you had the sense that you vaguely resembled a frightened alley cat. Ryland moved you forward a bit so that he could get to your shoulders, and as soon as his thumbs dug into the back of your shoulder blades you started to melt. 

With each press of his firm hands you became lighter and softer in his grip, your shoulders lowering to their normal height, and your body sagging with weight and heavily leaning into Ryland. 

To his credit, he made no comment on the movement, he just continued on his quest to rid you of all your pains as bright pink cars drove by on the tv screen. 

“Hey,” you said, a little hazy from how sleepy he was making you. “Doesn’t that guy kind of look like you?” 

Ryland looked from you to the screen. “I do not look like that guy at all.”

You gestured up to the character on the tv, doubling down on your argument now that he was disagreeing with you. “He looks like he could be your twin. We would just have to dress you in pink western gear.

Ryland snorted, giving you a very unimpressed look. “Okay, as much as I could pull that off, that man looks nothing like me.”

You sat up, pulling yourself out of Ryland’s arms out of indignation. “Your face is literally the same!”

He leveled a look at you from over his glasses. “I think your skill for human facial recognition has just grown weaker after your time away from Earth,” 

“You’ve been away from Earth the same amount of time as me!” you protested. 

“You know what?

“What?” you challenged, and then Ryland was on top of you. Your stomach did a somersault as you shrieked and tried to get away to no avail. 

“What are you dohoing?” you asked, already giggling as he reached towards your neck. Your shoulders curled up towards your ears, but Ryland only grabbed your head and roughly rubbed his knuckles against your hair, creating frizz and only making you giggle harder. 

“Owhoohohw!” you yelled, yet you were flush with the disappointment that he wasn’t doing what you thought he would. 

“Wait, am I actually hurting you?” Ryland asked, his hand still on your head, but unmoving now. 

You froze in indecision. While he wasn’t doing what you wanted, it at least offered you a little bit of physical contact. Then again, you did actually want to watch the movie and didn’t want to bother Rocky and Adrian with your wrestling.

“Rocky and Grace go and get popcorn for movie,” Adrian suggested, though they might as well have added the ‘statement’ at the end of it for the level of question that was left in their voice. They twisted around to look at Rocky and he warbled back and forth with them for a moment before coming to an abrupt stand.

“Yes, Rocky and Adrian forgot human food,” he announced, grabbing Grace with one of his legs and pulling him to his feet. “Go get now.”

You turned around to look at Adrian in confusion, but they beat you to it. 

Adrian leaned in closer towards you, like they were trying to get a better look. “What is human not telling Grace?”

You puffed a breath of air through your cheeks. “Nothing.”

Adrian rocked back. “Fine. Stubborn. Will get out of you anyways.” 

Before you could question what their words meant, you were getting pulled towards them, arms snaking around you and claws digging into your sides. 

You jolted so hard that you nearly threw yourself out of Adrian’s grip, but they had too many arms for your escape to come that easily. 

Their pincer-like hands gently squeezed and wiggled into your sides and dear god did it tickle. 

You were nearly vibrating on the spot from just a few prods, like your body had only needed a few months to forget how to deal with the sensation. You clasped a hand over your mouth to keep your laughter from exploding out of you. You were sure Rocky could already hear you, but you certainly didn’t need Ryland walking in on this and exposing you.

Adrian seemed to catch onto your ploy, and switched tactics, instead using one of their claws to pull your arm away from your side, another pincer reaching in to softly brush across your armpit, making you let out a squeak and a few stray giggles.

“Adrian!” you yelped, 

“Yes? Question?” Adrian said flatly.

You risked taking your hand off of your mouth another time to talk. “The bohohys will see!”

Adrian wiggled one of their unused arms. “If not want Ryland and Grace to see, then tell Adrian what is secret.”

They moved down to your hip and gave it an experimental squeeze, making your leg jolt out to the side.

“This!” you squealed, your dam finally breaking and your giggles starting to pour out.

At this, Adrian slowed, though they still rested a claw on your hip. 

“Human explain,” they said, very matter of factly. 

You groaned and covered your face, but you knew you only had a matter of minutes, if not seconds till Rocky and Ryland came back and you couldn’t risk Ryland walking in as you spoke. You forced yourself to take a big deep breath then push your words out. 

“I want Grace to tickle me but I don’t know if he wants to anymore?”

“What? Question?”

You groaned again, immediately regretting your decision to speak at all. You covered your face with your hands but you were only in the safety of darkness for a second before Adrian pulled your arms down to your sides.

“Not say words in judgement but not understand either.”

You sighed, your face burning, and resigned yourself to telling another person that you liked this odd thing. “Well tickling is-” 

“Know what tickling is. Know what tickling means to human. Is why Adrian just did it. Why human think Grace not want to tickle? Question?”

You decided to momentarily ignore the fact that Adrian somehow knew infinitely more than they should’ve. “It’s been a long time and we’ve both changed. What if that side of him isn’t there anymore?” 

“Adrian not see Rocky for a long time, still like Rocky.”

You frowned. “That’s not the same.”

“Friend must promise they tell Grace.”

Your jaw dropped. “What?” 

Adrian continued on like you weren’t looking at them with wide eyes. “Promise Adrian you will tell Grace tonight.”

You started to back up, as if putting distance between the two of you would put a barrier between yourself and that terrifying idea. “There’s no way. I can’t.”

Adrian seemed on the verge of saying something else, but then the boys walked back in. 

“Who’s ready for popcorn?” Ryland asked, carrying in a tub that was far too big for just the two of you. 

He plopped down next to you in the pit of pillows and blankets and offered you some. You didn’t particularly want any, but you took a handful in order to have something to do with your hands. 

Before the movie started back up Ryland stretched out, coincidentally putting his legs over top of yours, and suddenly your mouth felt very dry. You felt as though you had forgotten how to breathe or how much you were allowed to move. 

You looked over and saw Ryland looking over at you, an overly adoring look on his face. 

“What?” you questioned, almost defensively. 

“Nothing,” he laughed heartily. “I just thought that you look especially adorable right now.”

You rolled your eyes and without thinking, you plunked your head down on his shoulder. “You’re so obnoxiously sweet.”

“Oh, you love it,” he cooed, and then he was curling his arm around your shoulder, settling into where you had leaned against him. 

Rocky resumed the move from where you had been pre tussle, and you quickly fell into the bright hot pink world of barbieland. Rocky and Grace talked about the various music from the movie the whole time, and Adrian had to shush them several times. Even when you couldn’t hear the movie though, you at least could appreciate the bright costumes and set pieces in the fictional world. You couldn’t imagine how jarring it would be to go from bright beautiful barbieland to the complexity of the real world, which was both extraordinary and painful at times. 

While everyone else was still hooked on the movie you glanced around the room at the roaring fireplace and the plush red conversation pit and the wide doorways to accommodate your friends. It wasn’t all that colorful, afterall Eridians couldn’t see color, but it felt real and bold all the same. 

Everyone gave a laugh and you turned to the television right as mattel ceo started to be tickled to pieces by his workers. You felt yourself suppress the jolt just a second before you would’ve alerted the entire room to your nervous situation. 

Adrian’s arm curled around you firmly, and you felt the physical press of the stone with the same intensity of their request. 

You tried to settle back into Ryland, but you couldn’t see to focus for the tiny amount of the rest of the movie, your mind running too fast for you to keep up with it. 

Before you knew it, you went from crying about the acceptance of the pain and the beauty of the real world to being whipped into the upbeat credit songs. 

Ryland leaned towards you as he stretched out like a cat. “I still don’t think that guy looks like me.”

You stifled your smile with a yawn. “Agree to disagree.”

Rocky tip tapped his way over in front of the tv, turning the system off. “Humans like movie?” 

Ryland wiggled his hand back and forth. “It’s lacking a little on the intersectionality bit, but hopefully Earth has progressed by now.”

Rocky stilled, one of his arms halted halfway in the air. “Grace wonder about earth sometimes? Question?”

Ryland drew in a breath, and when you looked over at him you found that he was already staring at you.

You tilted your head and his eyes seemed to soften in recognition. You watched the way he looked at you and realized he wasn’t appraising you, he was looking for reassurance. Only the three of you could truly understand what you’d gone through, and the two of you were the only humans in this solar system. Since Ryland did much better than you on Erid it was easy to forget it, but he still needed your companionship. “Yeah,” he said hoarsely then cleared his throat.” You reached down and squeezed his hand. No one else could understand the love that you had for your strange blue little planet and still not entirely desire to go back. 

Ryland looked back up at Rocky, a new light in his eyes. “Yeah, I guess I do.”

Rocky’s arm snapped back down to his side. “Grace want to go back to earth? Question?”

At this, Ryland laughed and then pushed himself to a stand with a groan. “No buddy, I think you’re still stuck with me. I like it here with you three.”

Ryland offered you a hand up and you took it, starting to follow the boys out until Adrian caught you by the arm.

“What more evidence does human need? Question?”

You rolled your eyes, knowing it was nothing short of a death sentence to admit to Adrian that they had been right. “I can’t.”

Adrian gripped your wrist with only one of their claws. “Promise me you tell him.”

“Adrian-“ you started.

They pulled you back a little bit, making you stumble slightly. “Promise. Adrian need it

You raised a brow. Their voice sounded different than usual. “Why?”

Their grip loosened slightly. “To make sure is okay.” 

Your arms went limp at your sides as you looked up at them. Suddenly you remembered all of the times they’d invited you over for movies and your job in the lab and every single dark pit that your Eridian friends had tried to pull you out of. They’d worked so hard to meet you where you were at and the taste of guilt soured in your mouth.

You sighed, blowing the feeling away.

“Fine, I promise.”

Adrian rattled side to side, the most expression that you’d seen from them in a long while. “Good, tell Adrian about later.”

They pushed you towards the door, and you barely managed to stay on your feet as you half tripped on the threshold, Ryland managing to throw his arm out to stop you from toppling forward.

“Woah, you alright there?” 

You nodded, quickly leaning out of the firm press of his arm, but not before you imagined those strong arms pulling your hands above your head as his fingers wiggled above you, slowly descending towards your armpits until they finally touched down, making you kick out and scream. You wondered if he remembered the spot, if he still recalled how he would wiggle both of his hands into your armpits and raspberry your neck until your face was as warm as the sun and you admitted that you lost whatever silly argument the two of you had gotten into. 

“Bye, get home safe friends,” Rocky yelled, and you nearly jumped as you were abruptly pulled back into reality. You looked to your right and desperately tried not to think about the fact that the person who you had been daydreaming about tickling you was staring at you. 

Then you accidentally looked down at his hands and your skin broke out in goosebumps, and you seriously doubted whether you could actually manage to live through telling him. 

“Did you like the movie?” Ryland asked, staring out at the sea. 

You couldn’t look at him and stand still, so you started walking back to the cottage and hoped he followed. “Yeah,” you turned around to see that Ryland was only a step behind you. “I thought it was fun.”

“When was the last time you had fun?”

Your mind flashed back to taking his beaker on the Hail Mary, Rocky pinning your legs so Ryland could scribble around your tummy to his heart's content. He’d only let up until you admit that you just took it to get tickled, and though you had cursed and complained your whole way through it, happiness had flown through your veins like he had inserted it straight through an IV.

However, you knew you weren’t feeling brave enough yet to give him the real answer so you did what any scared person would do, you pivoted. 

“I had fun tonight with you guys.” You added a smile, one that would hopefully really sell it, but Ryland only grinned like he knew you were lying. 

“No.” He poked your hip with his elbow. “Like really had fun, like one of those memories where you think of it as you lay awake at night and it makes you smile as you drift off to sleep.” 

He turned to you and his brown eyes were too warm, so you looked out towards the sea instead, letting the salty breeze cool your warm cheeks. “I don’t know. Probably back on the Hail Mary.”

“Really? It was that long ago?” There was something in his voice, not judgement but concern and he had probably already spent too much time worrying about you.

“When was yours?”

A puff of air came out of Ryland’s nose. “When I saw you dancing in the kitchen the other day.”

You shoved at his shoulder and jogged up towards the cottage, really anywhere to get away from his teases. “I thought you weren’t going to bring that up!”

He grabbed your arm, pulling you back. 

“No, no I’m not making fun of you.”

You pulled away from him just a little bit. “Sure you aren’t. 

Ryland pulled out your housekey from his pocket. “I just thought it was sweet.”

You narrowed your eyes, opening the storm door for him. “I don’t believe you.” 

He turned the key but he didn’t open the door yet, instead, he only had eyes for you. “I hadn’t seen you dance in so long, I missed it.”

Your mouth opened but nothing came out, he opened the door and walked in, throwing his keys in the bowl. 

You watched him step into the kitchen and fill his waterbottle, a thing he normally did right before bed, and it spurred you into action. 

You shut the door behind you and shuffled in after him, grabbing the matching blue one that always sat next to his as the little ice cubes clunked into the bottom of his bottle. 

“Ryland-” you started, then lost your momentum. 

“Yes?” he said, setting it down and turning to look at you. That was the thing about Ryland Grace, if his attention was on you then all of his attention was on you. It was a blessing and a curse, and in your position it felt like the hot glow of a spotlight, making you unable to see into the crowd. 

You tried to remember the promise that you’d given Adrian. You didn’t break your word, certainly not with people who had saved your life, so you needed to find a way to ask. 

“Would you stay up with me for a little bit?”

Ryland cocked his head, the same thing that you’d watched him do time and time again when he couldn’t figure something out in the lab. When he got that way then it was only a matter of time till he figured it out. 

“Yeah, do you mind if I go change first?” he asked, still not having taken his eyes off of you. 

You cradled your arm with the other to give yourself some physical contact. “That’s fine.” 

“Okay, give me a few minutes.” He grabbed a hold of your shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. “I’ll be right back out.” 

He finished up in the kitchen and shut the door to his room, leaving you with yourself and your flaming skin. You silently groaned, and forced yourself to do the same.

As you picked your pajamas you tried not to think about things that would give him easy access. You changed into a pair of soft shorts and a tank top, but threw a sweatshirt overtop of it. 

When you left your bedroom his door was still closed so you headed out to the deck on the side of the living room. 

The breeze was cool in the evening air and it felt nice against your overly warm body. You sat on the big couch that faced the ocean and looked up to see the full moon. The scientists had added one for the two of you, and even the lunar cycle. Even though it wasn’t really real, looking at it still calmed you. It always seemed to put you at peace, the knowledge that there were so many bigger things out there that would live on past you. The sun might witness your embarrassment, but it cared naught for it, because it was a star with much bigger things to do. 

You felt the same about the sea, which is why it had been added in, that and the fact that Ryland needed the white noise to sleep. 

As if sensing that you were thinking about him, he appeared in the doorway and letting out some of the light from the kitchen. “Hey,” he said softly.

“Hi,” you said, and instinctively curled your legs under yourself. 

“So,” he started, and then he was walking across the deck to meet you. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

He sat down next to you, leaving several feet of space on the couch behind him. 

“Nothing’s wrong.”

Ryland raised his brows but didn’t question you. Instead he just stared at you in the semi darkness, his eyes unmoving from yours. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” you blurted out, though not unkindly.

He cocked his head. “Like what?”

“I don’t know. It just feels very intense.” Your gaze went back to the ocean, trying to gather up courage from its depths. “Like you’re looking right through me.” 

You saw him shrug out of the corner of your eye. “I don’t mean to, it’s just the way I look at people.” 

You started to feel bad, not wanting to insult him because you were scared, but then he was doing the talking for you again. “Maybe that it’s just because you feel too seen right now. 

You kept your eyes on the horizon, forcing yourself to take deep breaths of the salty air. 

“Your silence is speaking volumes,” he said, but his voice was starting to go high enough that it could’ve passed as teasing. Luckily he broke into a laugh before you could try to mutter something completely incoherent. “Talk to me.”

“There’s-” you started, then shifted so you were facing him. “There’s something I want to tell you, and I’ve told you it before, but I’m scared to do it again.” 

Ryland shifted on the couch, the metal frame creaking slightly in the silence. “Is there anything I can do to make it easier?”

The words ‘don’t tease’ were on your lips, but you didn’t want to say it and then have to explain that you didn’t really mean it. What you wanted to ask was if he was still a little of the same man that you’d come to know on the Hail Mary, if he still loved how you were obsessed with giggling and touch, if he treasured those happy moments like you did, if he liked the version of you that had healed, or if he had only accepted those things because the earlier times were so dire.

“I don’t think so.”

You settled into silence for a long moment, like Ryland knew you needed the space to work up the words. When they came to the surface though, you couldn’t quite bring yourself to say the full, real thing. “Do you remember when we used to play fight on the Hail Mary?”

Ryland smiled, the moon illuminating his bright eyes. “Of course”

Your words came faster this time. “Do you miss it?

“Do you?” Ryland asked immediately in return, and his stubbornness almost immediately made you forget what you were afraid of, your voice filled with determination instead.

“I asked first.”

“Yes.” You squinted in the darkness and realized Ryland was blushing. He seemed flustered, perhaps embarrassed and it made you push on.

“Do you remember the times you tackled me to the ground?”

Ryland shifted slightly. “And tickled you?”

Your breath got caught and you had to clear your throat. “That, yeah. What do you think about that now?”

Ryland held his hands up, fiddling with his fingernails. “I’m sorry let me just make sure we’re talking about the same thing, think about what exactly now?”

You knew this was when you were supposed to say the word tickle, but you couldn’t quite do it. “Those moments.”

Ryland rested his head on his hand. “The playfighting and the tickling?”

You bit your lip and nodded.

Ryland hunched over, like he was trying to make himself smaller. “I think they were sweet, they were fun. I think we both needed an escape and we used play to cope.”

You fiddled with a silver string that hung off of the bottom of your pajama shorts. “So those are things that only happened cause we were stuck on the ship?”

You briefly looked up to catch Ryland frowning. “Why would you think that?”

You went back to toying with your stray hem. “I don’t know, people do crazy things in the face of death, maybe those moments would be weird to you now.” 

Ryland readjusted himself. “Okay, now I’m lost again, are we talking about playfighting, or are we really talking about me tickling you?”

You closed your eyes. “The second thing.”

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh,” he said, and though you weren’t looking at him you could feel the knowingness in his voice. 

“Don’t say it like that,” you groaned, covering your face up. 

All I said was oh!” Ryland laughed, and somehow even that felt mean. 

“Do you know what I’m talking about now?” you asked, covering your face up with your hands. 

“You mean how you like being tickled?” 

“Oh my GOD. You cannot just say that!” You pushed his knee, and then rested your face on his legs.

“I’m sorry! I’m not even trying to tease you yet! I’m just making sure that we’re on the same page.”

“Yes, it’s tickles,” you sighed. “I wanted to ask you if it was something you still wanted to do. I’ve been thinking about it since breakfast.”

He began stroking the back of your head, sending shivers down your spine. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

You spoke softly, almost in a whisper. “I was scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“That you didn’t like it anymore, that you had lost interest, that you no longer cared to play games with this version of me, that you found it weird now that you have more people to interact with.”

Ryland’s brows furrowed. “Why would any of that be true?”

“I don’t know.” You threw your hands up. “I didn’t say it was rational, I just said I was scared.”

At this, he seemed to soften, he dropped your wrists and placed his hands on your knees. “Actually, I was in the same boat.”

“What?”

“You didn’t notice how I kept trying to initiate physical contact today?”

The day started to playback as you noticed how his hands were on your skin even now. “Why?”

“You’ve seemed more alive recently. It felt like you came back to me and I started to wonder if that old version of you was still in there, if you still wanted to cozy into me like how we watched movies on the Hail Mary when we were nutrient deprived and delirious. I don’t want those times back, but I wanted you back, and I was too scared to ask you for it just in case you weren’t ready. I didn’t want to rush along the process that you’re going through.”

You were at a loss of words for a moment, stuck between nearly laughing and the sudden striking urge that you needed to cry. “You missed tickling me?”

Ryland blushed deeper. “I missed tickling you.” 

He was starting to lean towards you, his hands starting to twitch toward your sides, but you knew you would only be brave for so long and you needed to hear it from him. “So you don’t think it’s weird now?” 

Ryland stilled. “I think to be human is to be weird and I love indulging you in your weirdness.” He tapped a finger to your collarbone. “And don’t you dare forget that.” 

His words made you feel gooey on the insides, so much so that you couldn't even say something snarky about it. “Awwwww.”

Ryland smiled and held his arms open. You accepted his offer without question and you wrapped your arms snuggly around his middle, tucking your face into his chest. His arms felt firm around your lower back as he curled you in towards him, tucking you in like he was making a cocoon just for you. 

He gave you an extra firm squeeze and you settled in further, sighing deeply as he wrapped his arms all the way around you, his hands pressed against your sides. 

“You’re so nice and warm,” you murmured. 

Ryland laid back pulling you against him like you were his personal blanket and you were almost ready to fall asleep like that until he flipped you around. 

You landed underneath him, pinned to the couch by his bodyweight. “Ryland, what are you-” 

“I’m sorry but you had to see this coming,” he said, and you could practically hear his grin as his fingers started wiggling into your sides. 

“NO!” you shrieked, but there was nowhere to go with his full weight on top of you. He had started out barely moving, as if he was testing the waters, but he quickly settled into a routine of raking his fingers down your sides before squeezing a few times to keep you on your toes. 

It tickled like hell and it was already so much worse than all of the times that he’d tickled you on the Hail Mary, and it made you severely wonder how you had survived his reign of torment. If it was possible, you’d only gotten more ticklish with time, every twitch of his fingers turning into a laugh that threatened to consume you whole. 

“Rylahahahhand, wahahahahit!” you squealed, your eyes shut and wiggling side to side. 

“Oh no, no, no,” Ryland grumbled. “No more waiting. I’ve had enough waiting. In fact, I’ve decided we need to put you on a tickling regimen now.”

A shriek was ripped out of you, making you open your eyes. “WHAt?” 

“Mhmm, I’ll work on it after I get my lesson plans done. We need to reinstate weekly, no, daily tickling,” he smiled down at you and though his hands stilled, you were still giggling.

“That is NOT necessary.” 

Ryland pulled his arms out from underneath you and grabbed your hands as he sat up. You tried to pull out of his grip, but your hands were quickly pinned to your chest, leaving your stomach completely exposed. 

“Well we have to tickle you when you’re snarky and when you complain about work even though you love your job, and we have to tickle you anytime you look adorable-” he pauses just long enough to tweak your side and your squeak and flinch. “So that’s at least every day, if not a couple times a day at least.”

“I’m not even that snarky,” you say breathily.

“Oh, so you’re not gonna curse me out if I do this?” Ryland softly grabs a handful of your sweatshirt and top and slowly pulls it up, making you watch as he slowly exposes your tummy. 

You suck your stomach in and start kicking your feet out on instinct. “No, no, no, Ryland don’t you fucking dare.” 

“Too late.”

He bends down and you cringe away before the raspberry is even there, scrunching your face up and preparing for the onslaught of vibration against your nerves. He pauses for a moment, just long enough to make you wonder why you haven’t felt it yet and you chance a peak at him right as his head ducks down. 

The noise he makes is loud and you’re sure that Rocky and Adrian probably hear your consequent scream before you start squealing with laughter. The raspberry seems to last forever, longer than you thought was even possible as he nuzzles his stubble into your skin. You shake your head side to side just to give the energy somewhere to go. 

“I HATE you!” you screech as he starts scritching across your stomach, always too fast for you to even figure out where his hands are. 

Ryland only smiles down at you “Are the little tickles making you feel embarrassed?”

“Shut UP!”

“I would, but I know you don’t want me to.”

“Yes I DO!”

Ryland’s hands move down to your hips dusting across the bones with light traces that are far too ticklish for someone who is supposed to be one third of humanity's savior. 

“Get ohoohff of thehehehre!”

“Give me somewhere else to go then,” Ryland stated.

Your eyes fly open despite the laughter spasms that were exploding out of you. “WhAT?”

“If you want me to move, then give me somewhere else to go.” HIs fingers twirled around your hips, occasionally squeezing into the divot and making you feel like you were hallucinating under the touch of his fingertips.

“Yohohohou’re mahahahaking mehehehe phihihihick?”

Ryland raised a brow. “What? Am I flustering you or something?”

“NO!” you shrieked out as he pressed into your hips again, making you want to curl up into a ball. 

“Ohhhhh, I’m not?” he asked, and you knew this was your last chance to apologize and tell him that you were well beyond flustered, but you chose to keep going down the road to see where it went.

“NO!” you yelled through laughter, and then Ryland let up.

“Okay, let’s test that theory.”

He scooted forward, dropping one wrist in favor of grabbing the other and pinning it far above your head so that your arm was all the way stretched out, leaving your armpit fully on display and utterly helpless. 

“No, not this, please,” you murmured, closing your eyes and covering your face with your free arm. 

“Uh-uh.” He removed your arm from your face. “If you want it you have to watch it.”

You groaned and attempted to bury your head in the couch. “You’re so mean to me.”

Ryland softly brushed your hair out of your face. “You’re not getting tickled if you can’t watch.”

Your head whipped towards him. “That's unfair!”

“You can’t watch this?” he asked, then held his wiggling hand above your head, fingers in the shape of a claw playing the air like a piano. 

“Tickle, tickle, tickle,” he whispered, the hand getting closer and closer to your armpit.”

Just as he was about to touch the skin, you yelped and closed your eyes only to hear Ryland laughing at you. 

“Rude!”

He covered his mouth as if it made it better, as if you couldn’t see the mischief in his eyes. “I’m sorry, you just look so cute when you’re so embarrassed like this.”

“Shut up.”

His wiggling fingers appeared above your face once more and in spite of yourself, you gasped when he dipped down quickly only to pull away and start squeezing your hips again. 

You shrieked and chortled, weakly pushing at his hands since you were no longer being pinned down.

“I told you I wasn’t switching spots until you picked one,” he teased. 

“I CAN’T!” you yelled, your body twitching every time his devious fingers dug into the sensitive spot in the divot.

“I think you can,” he replied in a sing-song voice. 

“GRHAHACE PLHEHEHESE!” you begged, slapping at his hands as you descended further into your giggly drunkenness. 

“Oh, last name? You must be getting desperate.”

You nodded your head weakly, but he only smirked at you and it made you wonder that if your time away had made you more ticklish that in turn, it had made him more evil. “Where do you want to be tickled?” he repeated.

“NOWHERE!” you insisted though you could see the answer written so clearly in your memory.

Ryland only rolled his eyes and if you had the breath to say it then you would’ve made some smart remark about how he looked exactly like his previous students. His hands eventually stilled, though they still rested on your hips.

“You have to make a decision, it’s the only way you get out.” 

You sucked in a deep breath, once again refusing to look at him. “You deserve jail time for this. They need to make a prison for you here.”

“I actually wasn’t going to make you say the full sentence, but actually you’ve changed my mind.” 

You shot up, your eyes going wide. “Wait, no please, I take it-” 

Ryland shrugged and blew out a huff of air like he was actually disappointed. “No, too late. I think I’m gonna need a full sentence with the words ‘can you please’ and ‘tickle’ in there.” 

You let your head thunk back against the couch, and you closed your eyes. 

“With eye contact,” Ryland added, and you swore you were going to catch on fire. 

“You’re the worst,” you groaned as you forced your eyes open. 

You looked at him and were immediately hit with the full force of his attention and the way his eyes melted, like he was looking at you with all of the love and understanding in the world, like he saw right through your whole charade. The worst part was, he did.

“Can you please- can you,” You started, but couldn’t quite push the words out.

“Take your time,” he smiled and though it was genuine it only felt like a tease.

“Shut up.” 

You looked at him square in his eyes and drew in a deep breath. “Can you tickle my armpits please?”

“Put your arms up.” 

“I have to LET you?” you asked incredulously. 

Ryland nodded, crossing his arms, and somehow you knew he wasn’t kidding. You squeezed your arms together against your chest barely managing to bring them so that your elbows were above your shoulders. 

Ryland wordlessly flicked his fingers and you moved your arms so that they were just above your eyes, and you felt all of that uncovered skin shiver in the cool air. 

Ryland looked unimpressed and made the gesture again. “Come on, up.” 

Your jaw dropped from his sheer audacity. “They ARE up.”

“All the way,” he drawled, and you grimaced as you slowly stretched your arms high above your head and leaving all of you completely exposed. 

“See? Now was that so hard,” he cooed, and just as you were about to respond, his hands dug into your armpits like little spiders, crawling around with feathers. 

Your arms shot down, trapping his twitching fingers into your overly sensitive hollows. “YES!” you screeched, giggling and kicking your feet as your skin prickled with heat. 

“Awe, does someone have a case of the giggles?” Ryland cooed, his lips coming dangerously close to your neck.

You had something on the tip of your tongue, a glorious insult that would leave him shocked that you had come up with something so clever, but all of your words got swallowed up by your laughter. As his fingers continued wiggling into your armpits, you screeched and twitched and could do nothing more until Ryland pulled his fingers out, allowing you a great breath of air. 

“You. Are. Awful,” you heaved out, still squirming around in a desperate attempt to get rid of the phantom tickles. 

“Yes, so awful for giving you exactly what you wanted. Practically the worst.” 

You nodded. “I’m so glad you’re finally seeing reason.” 

“Don’t make me go back to your armpits,” he threatened, holding up a finger but you only giggled.

“Alright, have you had enough little tickle magnet?”

“Mhmm,” you nodded, looking back out at the ocean, another vision of him burrowing his stubble into your neck appearing to you in a haze.

Ryland gently took a hold of your chin, pointing you back towards him. “Why do I get the sense you’re getting bashful on me again. 

You covered you face with your hands. It should’ve been enough, you shouldn’t need more, but your brain was stuck on the image of his hands buried in your armpits and his head nuzzled into your neck. 

“What do you want?” Ryland prodded softly. 

“I can’t,” you groaned from beneath your hands. 

He pulled them away from your face with some effort. “Come on, we’re all weird here. You can ask.”

You closed your eyes to talk since he had taken away your wall of protection. “It’s too embarrassing."

Ryland grabbed a hold of your shoulders. “To be known is to be embarrassed, or something, come on, out with it.”

You shook your head but finally looked up at him. “I can’t.”

“Here, I’ll close my eyes, will that help?”

Somehow his offer only made you feel more squishy and you groaned as your face only got more hot. “Can you keep doing the thing you were just doing? “

“Tickling your armpits?” 

You nodded, and he started to grab ahold of your hands again but you held him off this time. “Wait, can you do the other thing too?”

“The what?” Ryland asked, leaning closer towards your face. 

You were fairly certain that speaking the words outloud might send you to an early grave, but you forced them out anyways. “Can you raspberry my neck too?”

“While I’m tickling your armpits?” he asked, raising a brow. 

You nodded, your words starting to fail you again.

“Wow, Erid made you brave, didn’t it?”

You were about to comment that it did, that the love of your friends had altered you as a human and your ways of communication, but you didn’t have the time cause Ryland was tilting your head to the side and taking in a deep breath.

You barely had enough time to take a breath of your own until he was burrowing into you and sending you into another peal of laughter. He shoved his fingers back into his armpits and you jolted with the shock of his fingernails curling against your skin. 

You were both fighting him and leaning into him, unable to pull yourself away from his stubble nuzzling into your neck, and simultaneously shaking your head to get rid of his horrible raspberries vibrating across your nerves. 

Your brain stopped making words, instead just falling down the slide of consciousness in a steady humming stream of it tickles, it tickles, it tickles. You screeched and wiggled around but it was all just a reaction, not an intentional thing you were doing. Your mind started to drift away on you, leaving you airy and pleasantly floaty. 

Pretty soon you realized you were still giggling but Ryland was no longer tickling you. 

“Had enough fun over there giggles?” he asked, peering down at you. 

“Yehehehes!” you said, too tired to remember that you didn’t usually admit that. 

Ryland lit up in a smile, a lack of snark in the way his lips twitched. 

He pulled you up, sitting you upright on the couch, and you let him manhandle you, allowing him to use the arms that he’d worked so hard to get back. 

He rose to get off the couch and you stared at his face, backlit by the moon. He took a step towards the door, and you grabbed ahold of his wrist.  

“Cahahahlm down, I’m just going to go get your water. I’ll be right back,” he squeezed your shoulder and left the door open as he went. You watched him as he traveled to the island and all the way back to you. 

“See, I promised, didn’t I?”

You remembered Adrian’s words from earlier and ruefully smiled to yourself. “A promise is how I got here.”

Ryland sat down next to you again. “How?” 

You took a long swig from your waterbottle. It was bad enough that you were going to have to tell this story later, but had already used up all of your embarrassment for the night so it would be tomorrow's problem. “Adrian made me promise that I’d tell you I wanted tickled.”

Ryland clucked his tongue. “Wow, you said the word again.” 

You lightly smacked him in the arm. “Because I’m still stupidly giggle drunk.”

Ryland smiled at you and cozied into the couch with a sigh. You leaned into his shoulder and he cradled the back of your neck. “Does that mean you can’t go to sleep yet?”

“Probably,” you glanced up at him from the corner of your eyes. “-but you’re welcome to go to bed.”

He shrugged you up. “No, I’ll stay up with you for a little bit.” 

“Just let me know when you want to go inside,” you murmured, stifling a yawn that was refusing to back down. You nuzzled into his sweater and stared out at the fake sea in front of you. 

You knew that above your little biodome was a galaxy of vast stars, and while the world was still unknowable and scary at times, you were glad that you had stuck around to see it all.