My aunt is getting worried. She went through a phase of her life where she was anorexic and bulimic at the same time (she wouldn't eat for a week, then binge and purge), so obviously every time I forego a meal because I'm too full from trying to drink enough fluids, that means I'm doing it on purpose to lose weight faster. Because logic, right?
I'm honestly finding things very difficult during this stage of post-op. In 4 days I will be 4 months out from surgery, and I'm eating everything just to test how I handle it, as I was told. However I'm having some real trouble lately. I'm having problems focusing on my meals, so I always wind up eating too fast. When I eat too fast, I puke, almost no getting around it. So lately, for the last two weeks or so, I've been puking up more meals than I'm keeping down. It's a real problem, I know, but I can't seem to make myself stop inhaling the little bit of food I can hold. Last night was a breakthrough though. We had roast beef, mixed veg and mashed potatoes, and I made sure since y'know, dense red meat, to cut it into tiny little pieces and chew very thoroughly like I'm supposed to, and I got my entire one ounce of roast beef down and kept it down. Which is great, but naturally, I was stuffed. All the puking I've been doing lately doesn't seem to be helping me tolerate larger amounts of food, so I'm not getting the right amount of nutrients.Â
Also, I've got a piece of fried chicken (breast) that I've been keeping at work that I can take a few bites of at a time on lunch break. My aunt asked me on the way to work this morning what I eat while I'm there and I told her I've got that piece of fried chicken and I can only take a few nibbles before I'm full. Now she thinks I'm starving myself on purpose. I'm sure she thinks I'm purging too. The truth is, I'm getting complacent. I'm not paying attention. I'm not following the rules. I'm back to the habit of lazily shoving food in my mouth the way I did before I got the surgery instead of taking my time, taking tiny bites, chewing like a cow and swallowing what I can handle. It's my fault, and I know it.Â
And the fluids! I'm so fucking weak and dehydrated all the time. I physically can't drink enough to hydrate myself. I'm doing the thing where I've got the time on my phone set every 15 minutes (thanks), but at most I am able to handle about 40oz of fluids per day. It makes me feel so full! I've been getting pain in my kidneys, pain in my bladder when I pee (maybe twice a day), and my piss looks radioactive. I need to find a balance somewhere, really. I know I need to adjust my habits, I just don't know where to begin. And I've got my aunt giving me that suspicious look that's half worried, half 'I told you so", like I fucking need that shit.Â
Either way, I'm down to 311, trying to get under 300 by the New Year, which I think is gonna happen. I'm so on the fence about this surgery right now. I know it was necessary because I could never have done this on my own, but I'm worried. I won't lie. The absolute last thing I want is to get kidney stones, and I'm on my way. Fuck.Â