#philsnotfat

So I wanted really badly to get under 300lbs by New Years, but I'm starting to doubt that's gonna happen. I'm somewhat okay with it, as even at my current weight, I'm still lighter than I've been since I was like 14 or 15. 

I've gained 3lbs this week because I've been stuffing my fat face with cookies my aunt spent a week baking. Oh, and on another note, my pouch can handle cookies. Fuckin' figures. I'm a little disappointed in myself, but I know that it's a journey, blah blah blah. 

Over the last couple weeks I've also been having a lot of problems with throwing up because I'm still eating too fast. But this only happens with my "dinner" meal. I know it's because dinner has always been my main meal, as I would usually go all day without eating anything and have a HUGE dinner, so I'm forgetting my pouch and just trying to shovel food into my face without paying attention, and that's causing problems. There was a point where I was throwing up every night, sometimes more than once. Not good, but I'm trying to discipline myself into paying more attention. 

My NYR is to add some more structure and discipline to my life. I want to create a schedule for myself: what time I go to bed, what time I get up, what time I exercise, what time I eat, what I eat, etc. I feel like I could benefit from that type of military discipline in my life, and I'm looking forward to seeing what results I get if I stick to it. 

My aunt is getting worried. She went through a phase of her life where she was anorexic and bulimic at the same time (she wouldn't eat for a week, then binge and purge), so obviously every time I forego a meal because I'm too full from trying to drink enough fluids, that means I'm doing it on purpose to lose weight faster. Because logic, right?

I'm honestly finding things very difficult during this stage of post-op. In 4 days I will be 4 months out from surgery, and I'm eating everything just to test how I handle it, as I was told. However I'm having some real trouble lately. I'm having problems focusing on my meals, so I always wind up eating too fast. When I eat too fast, I puke, almost no getting around it. So lately, for the last two weeks or so, I've been puking up more meals than I'm keeping down. It's a real problem, I know, but I can't seem to make myself stop inhaling the little bit of food I can hold. Last night was a breakthrough though. We had roast beef, mixed veg and mashed potatoes, and I made sure since y'know, dense red meat, to cut it into tiny little pieces and chew very thoroughly like I'm supposed to, and I got my entire one ounce of roast beef down and kept it down. Which is great, but naturally, I was stuffed. All the puking I've been doing lately doesn't seem to be helping me tolerate larger amounts of food, so I'm not getting the right amount of nutrients. 

Also, I've got a piece of fried chicken (breast) that I've been keeping at work that I can take a few bites of at a time on lunch break. My aunt asked me on the way to work this morning what I eat while I'm there and I told her I've got that piece of fried chicken and I can only take a few nibbles before I'm full. Now she thinks I'm starving myself on purpose. I'm sure she thinks I'm purging too. The truth is, I'm getting complacent. I'm not paying attention. I'm not following the rules. I'm back to the habit of lazily shoving food in my mouth the way I did before I got the surgery instead of taking my time, taking tiny bites, chewing like a cow and swallowing what I can handle. It's my fault, and I know it. 

And the fluids! I'm so fucking weak and dehydrated all the time. I physically can't drink enough to hydrate myself. I'm doing the thing where I've got the time on my phone set every 15 minutes (thanks), but at most I am able to handle about 40oz of fluids per day. It makes me feel so full! I've been getting pain in my kidneys, pain in my bladder when I pee (maybe twice a day), and my piss looks radioactive. I need to find a balance somewhere, really. I know I need to adjust my habits, I just don't know where to begin. And I've got my aunt giving me that suspicious look that's half worried, half 'I told you so", like I fucking need that shit. 

Because I'm horny. Shut up. I'll try and keep the real nsfw to a minimum because I want to keep this blog searchable. But for now, enjoy the mostly naked flesh coming your way. 

Oh, and welcome to my few new followers. I love you. 

Welcome new followers. I love you.

Welcome new followers. I love you. 

So I just tried on a pair of Dickies, size 46. 3 years ago I was in a size 64. 

They zipped. Son of a bitch, they zipped!

I'm gonna be able to see my dick when I'm standing up soon! 

Alright, open discussion time:

What do you guys think I could do to improve my blog?

What kind of things would you like to see from me?

You're not gonna hurt my feelings, so be honest!

I'm looking for constructive criticism and good ideas.

I'm thankful for my fambly and for the medical advances that have allowed me to lose 65lbs in less than 4 months and for the people who have supported me through the adjustment, and to all of you lovelies who put up with my occasional ramblings and bullshit here on Tumblr. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday because of the food associated with it, and I fully intend to gain back a lb or seventy today. 

So I got dragged out to a bar last night. I didn't drink. Yeah, I had a couple shots at the neighbor's house before we went, and surprise, I'm perfectly fine, just like I've been after testing everything else I'm not supposed to be able to handle at this stage of post-surgery. I guess I had a really good surgeon, or my body is a fucking healing machine, or both. Either way is good. 

That's a bunch - OK, here goes...

1. If I could pick any job, I'd like to run a huge-no-kill dog shelter. And I mean huge. The place would have setups for rescue and rehab, training for police, military, and other service dogs, or just general obedience training, on-site veterinary care, doggy day-care, massive socialization areas, adoption services, the works. Make it non-profit, pay myself a salary, play with doggies all day long. 

2. I want to travel across Europe. Specifically London, Scotland, Ireland, The Netherlands, Italy, Amsterdam, places like that mostly. I'd like to maybe one day move to Scotland or Ireland, just to escape the collapse of the US. And because redheaded girls with that accent! Yum. 

3. I'm a bit of a chameleon to be honest, and I always have been. If I spend enough time with someone I start to take on their traits. Accent, mannerisms, etc. People in general influence me, but if I had to pick one person, I guess it would be my aunt. We are basically the same person except for a few key differences. She's a stresspot, I'm completely laid back. She worries about everything, I take things as they come and don't try to change things I can't control. Other than that, we're the same. 

4. Favorite books - I used to really love Anne Rice when I was a teenager. I read the entire Vampire Lestat saga which was like 8 books probably a dozen times. I was also really into Forgotten Realms fantasy characters like Drizzt Do'Urden and Elminster, and I read through the Crystal Shard, Spine of the World - whatever the name of that series was 3 times in a summer when I was bored. I didn't enjoy the LOTR books as much as the movies because they were ponderous as fuck IMO, but I still read them because I was obligated to. I was a fan of Stephen King, loved The Stand. A Song of Ice & Fire series was great and I really enjoyed it. Right now I'm reading Christopher Hitchens and will continue, but I don't get as much time to read anymore as I used to. Oh, and Dune was really, really good. 

I was asking earlier about what people are using to communicate without exchanging phone numbers these days.

Also that I'm desperately bored and lonely and want people to send Anons or Kik me (philsnotfat).