SUMMER'S MEMORIES SLIP BETWEEN FINGERS LIKE STAINED SILK. ft. peter quill.
sum. ✶ peter's tired of losing people, but it's like death follows him around. angst, death, mouring/grief. i'm sick oh my beautiful baby </3
as a kid, peter quill once heard that dead people looked like they were sleeping. he'd find out later that wasn’t true. at least, not in his experience.
his mom, who'd fallen to cancer, didn't look like she was sleeping in her white-walled hospital room smelling of disinfectant. neither did yondu, the man he'd come to accept as a father. though, the flowers and trinkets next to yondu's body did a pretty good job of bringing some color to his dulling blue face.
and you. his greatest, gentlest love. the girl of his dreams who poured sunshine into every dark corner of his life. you never took a thing from him, just gave, and gave, and gave. until you gave too much, taking a risk for him that wasn't really a risk, but a gunshot straight to the chest.
he can still remember the day you met. he doubts he'll ever forget, actually. it was a cheap, dimly lit bar, and you gave him the benefit of the doubt—something people rarely did for him. most people took one look at his cocky demeanor and decided he wasn't worth the trouble. but you did, and he fell in love at first sight, something he never thought was possible.
he remembers hitting you with a horrid pick-up line, and you just giggled. to this day, he's not sure if it was the alcohol that did it, but he's forever grateful for it. it was summer, he thinks, or something close to it. he remembers the smell of the breeze and the way the flowers bloomed. and the way you walked into his life, with no warning of how beautifully devastating it could be.
you waited for him, for a long time, too. waited as he got his shit together, waited for him to let you in, waited for him to love you the best he could. you were perfect. laughing at his terrible jokes, dancing with him to all his favorite songs, and thinking his off-key singing was endearing.
maybe you were too perfect for this world. too big, too bright. too beautiful that the universe grew envious and took you away. now, everything feels a little less lively. the stars don’t shine as much, and his mixtapes just don't sound the same. the memory of summer has dissolved in his mouth, and he can't remember what it tasted like anymore.
yeah, he's pretty sure, dead people just looked dead.
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summary: after strange's spell, everybody forgot. peter could walk down the street without having cameras shoved into his face, but he could no longer go into that coffeehouse and talk to his friends like he used to. everybody forgot who peter parker was. everybody except for one.
genre: angst, friends to lovers
warnings: spoilers (obviously), angst, sad peter hours, little bit of canon level violence
word count: 5.4k
mcu masterlist
---
The paper in his hand was crumpled, the words on his tongue slurred as his hands sweated from his anxious nerves. His heartbeat thumped erratically in his chest and walking through that open door that greeted his senses to the strong smell of coffee and sweets just about sent him into a spiral.
The girl behind the counter gave him a small, costmary smile, only growing naturally when she saw the person behind Peter and gave them a bigger wave.
Looking over his shoulder he watched as Ned shoved past him, instantly making conversation with MJ as if he wasn't there.
"Hey Ned," She gave Peter another small smile as she mouthed in a second, and grabbed Ned's usual order of the glazed donut, pouring him some coffee she had already made beforehand as they chatted about MIT and other things Peter had missed in the time they, along with the rest of this universe, had forgotten him.
He had to get used to that, Peter reminded himself, he technically no longer existed.
"Hello," She greeted as she finished talking to Ned, not noticing how Peter's eyes brimmed with tears, "What can I get you?"
Peter stuttered, just as he always seemed to do around MJ, and looked down at the papers for help, nodding to himself as he muttered encouraging words for himself under his breath.
"I’m Peter Parker," He said slowly, for the first time since that spell was cast and everybody forgot who he was, the words he had practiced a million times before sounding small and insolent.
He wasn't anybody under that mask. Once he put it on, everybody knew Spiderman. It seemed as though his life was turning backward as even the girl he loved could recognize the masked hero better than him.
But to his shock and surprise, he watched as her eyes widened a bit, the smile dropping as Ned looked up from his seat, his eyes squinting as he tried to get a better look at his face.
Time stopped as MJ instantly whipped her phone out, typing something quickly as she made a quick call, whispering out a quick apology as the person behind the other line refused to pick up.
"Do you know me? It’s me, Peter," He moved forward, shuffling as hope ignited in his chest, warmth blossoming to the tips of his fingers as he looked from MJ and then to Ned, his lips turning upward into the biggest smile he had ever given somebody, "Peter Parker?" His lungs seemed to stop working as air lodged up in his throat, waiting for her to just say something.
"Uh no, sorry," MJ cursed to herself as the line beeped again, the automated voice answering box mocking her as she pocketed the phone, "Sorry about that. What," She pushed her hair back behind her ears, trying to look as professional as she could as Ned gapped behind her, "What can I get you?"
And just like that, his smile fell, hands to his sides as the paper jeered at him for his stupidity and innocence.
"Oh, um," His voice fell an octave, hushed as he almost let out a pained sound, "That's," He took in a deep breath, trying to sturdy himself back into his factious reality, "That's o-okay. Can I get a coffee to go, please?"
The door behind him swung open, and he once again watched as MJ gave the person behind him one of her real smiles, not the ones she was forced to put on because of her job, but that wasn't what stopped Peter in his tracks.
He heard a small gasp from behind him, a sound of objects clattering to the floor as he whipped his head around, eyes widening when he saw you.
It had been weeks since you two last talked, since you laughed at his stupid science puns, and it had been an agonizingly long amount of time since he watched carelessly as you ate those stale donuts while MJ and Ned decided different things to write for their college admissions letter.
There were dark eye bags under your eyes, your face no longer the bright and happy one he was so used to seeing, this one much grimmer and saddened as the two of you stared at one another, the silence becoming heavy as you didn't say anything.
Your mouth opened, fingers touching your hair as you tried to ground yourself, gapping as you took a slow step forward, not caring about your laptop that could have possibly been broken from the fall it took or the way you already chipped phone could have received more damage.
"Peter?"
He decided that he had never heard a more beautiful sound.
No time was spared are you barreled into his chest, arms tightening around him like a python as you shakily whimpered into his neck, your tears falling down like rain droplets, wetting his skin and collar of his shirt as you wept.
You didn't care if people saw, didn't care if MJ and Ned stared at you like you just saw a ghost, didn't care about anything because Peter was here. He was here and alive and holding you as you were the only thing keeping him steady from falling down.
"P-peter, oh god, Peter," You cried into him, not letting go though he didn't seem to want to either as your lips wavered, fingers grasping tighter onto the fabric of his back as your chest heaved with wet sobs, "Oh Pete," That is all you could seem to say as tears moved in like waves and you had no control over them.
For him, it felt like time had stopped as he sensed your familiar scent of warm vanilla, your warm touch now a bit cold but still you as you held him like he mattered. The way you used to do when he was somebody that people loved, when he was the real Peter Parker.
It took you minutes to move away from his body and even then had difficulty as he seemed to refuse to let you go, but you couldn't not see his face for a second longer, your fingers moving upward as you gripped his cheek in your hands, eyes scanning his face for any cuts or bruises, anything to prove to you why he had been gone for so long without saying anything.
His tears fell down his cheek, splattering on the ground, but the two of you did nothing to wipe either as your hands fell from his face, falling on his chest as you looked at MJ, pointing to him as you waited for her or Ned to say something.
When she gave you a confused shake of her head, asking what was wrong, you felt more tears roll in as you felt the insanity you had been feeling the past few weeks etch its way back into your mind.
You gave him a little push, his feet tumbling back as your lips wobbled in anger, eyes looking at him like he lit the world afire, and you heaved, another sob coming out of your chest as you smacked his arm.
"Where," You gave his chest another push, but it was weak and he could withstand it, "Were," Another weak one, your hands folding in on themselves as you crumpled back into his chest, "You?" You seethed those three words out, each quieter than the last, a mix of rage, betrayal, ache, hurt, everything you'd been feeling but didn't know why seeped out as you hugged him once again.
Peter couldn't feel anything as he felt your tears on his skin, hands shaking as he scooped you into his arm, his cheek pressed tightly against your head as his thumb moved ever so slowly up and down your back, something he used to do when you or MJ or May was every feeling sad, something he never thought he'd do again, but here he was.
His mind was reeling, everything was going so fast he could barely breathe, but you were here, you were her and hugging him just like you used to do.
"You know me?"
His voice was barely there, a fleeting whisper as he could barely believe what he was seeing. He heard you give a small, appalled laugh, punching him lightly in the chest as you looked up at him, confused that he'd even ask such a ridiculous question.
"Peter, what the fuck, of course," You lamely tried to wipe at the tears, "Of course, I know you? You’re Peter Parker, right? Or have you changed your name since I last saw you because nobody seems to know who you are! A-and I feel like I'm crazy and insane but you're here so you have to be real. I mean, these past nine years couldn't have been fake, right? An-" He cut you off, pressing a wet kiss to your cheek as he swooped you back into his arms.
"Was it that electrical guy, did he, did he shock you or something? Have you been to the hospital? Why didn't you tell us, you know we'd come..." You whispered into his chest, defeated as he sniveled something out, almost shocked as he stuttered nonsense to himself.
"We would come but MJ and Ned seem to have lost their fuckin' minds because they can't seem to remember you!" You said, furious now as you looked at the girl and boy behind him.
You snapped out of your trance, struggling to get out of his grasp as you stared the two of them down, shaking in defiant rage as you pointed to him.
"This," You almost yelled, "This is Peter! Remember? Peter Benjamin Parker? Or can't you seem to know your own boyfriend?" Your head tilted to the side in an almost manic way. MJ could barely say anything as she stuttered, looking at Peter and then back to you, "And you," You moved over to Ned, your finger jammed into his chest as he looked wildly at your face, "Do you not remember Peter? Pete from third grade? Peter with remarkably amazing eyesight? Peter who built the death star with you? That Peter?"
If only you could see the way Peter beamed, at the way his eyes widened and shined so brilliantly, as though you had handed him his world back even if you were just yelling at your friends for no reason.
You remembered him. Everything about him, and he could barely control his childlike glee, the rosy blush that swarmed his cheeks adding some color to his face that had been so pale the past couple of days.
For in the span of those minutes you first saw him till now, Peter deduced that MJ, Ned, Happy, and just about anybody who knew who he was still didn't know the real Peter Parker.
Everybody except for you.
"Um, no, can't say I," Ned looked over at MJ, questioning you and the stranger he had only seen until a few minutes ago, "Can't say I do?"
You groaned, jamming your palms into your eye sockets as your fists clenched, looking back at MJ to see if anything sparked in her memory, but she just seemed to be apologizing to Peter for your loud outburst.
But Peter could only give her a shaky smile, muttering some things as he pushed past some people to get to you, his hands shaking a bit as he gripped your arms, searching your face to see if you still remembered him.
"Y/n," Peter had the most gentle hold on your arm, almost terrified that if he touched you you'd disappear, "Can we go outside," He looked at the small crowd forming, "Please?"
You whipped your head to the sound, your angry look vanishing when Peter gave you a heartbreaking smile, cocking his head to the door as he tried to usher you out.
You couldn't say anything as you muttered your goodbyes to your friends, letting Peter walk you out because you couldn't trust your legs, the cold air hitting your face as your teeth clamped down together.
"Pete, come on, you gotta tell me what's going on..." You felt him usher you to an alley, looking behind him to see if anybody was looking, but realizing he no longer had to be conscious about what he said because nobody would look at a boy in an alleyway to find out spiderman's true identity.
"You know me?" He asked again, fingers carding through your hair as you gave him a slow and timid nod, wondering if you actually were crazy and he was a figment of your imagination this entire time.
"Yes, Pete, I know you. Unless some shit happened in these two weeks-"
"Something did happen," He quickly said, his hands never leaving your shoulder, "Something big happened and n-nobody's supposed to know who I am," He glanced back at the coffeehouse, "MJ and Ned were supposed to forget me. You were supposed to forget me but," He looked back at you as if he could barely believe anything that had just happened, "You know me?" His voice felt so raw, so defeated that despite the millions of questions that swarmed your mind, not one of them mattered as you pulled him into a hug, allowing his tears to fall freely in the expanse of your arms, something he never thought he could do again in such a short amount of time since that spell happened.
"You know me," He said to himself because he couldn't believe that somebody still remembered who he was, "You," He embraced you back so tightly you felt the air in your lungs squeeze out, "Know," He kissed your forehead as he looked at you, his thumb tracing your cheek to make sure you weren't just another part of his nightmare, so glad to actually feel skin against his skin, "Me?"
And in that alleyway, with people passing by and the world moving around on its axis, his seemed to stop. Because here, he realized that he wasn't totally in the dark. That somebody, perhaps one of the most important people in his life, could hug him back as they muttered his name over and over again, a mantra of truth that made Peter Parker somewhat of a person again.
---
As the weeks passed, it seemed as though Peter couldn't let you go, showing you around his shabby apartment as he tried to slyly wipe the tears away from his cheek, giving you a wet chuckle as you noted about the little star wars figures on his desk and that you'd be sure to bring back more.
It was painful to tell Ned and MJ that something came up in your life to explain the outburst you had, and although they quickly forgave you, it didn't hurt any less when they moved along the topic as if Peter's name wasn't important to them.
You guessed it no longer was.
You waited patiently as he'd pace around his room, reading a book on his bed he tried to come up with different solutions as to why you still knew who he was, every detail about his past that even he had been starting to forget, but he could only blame it on a flaw in Strange's magic that allowed for this to happen.
His apartment was cold and dark, but he never failed to tell you just how restful you made it with all your visits, with the way you baked him your legendary pecan pie and made it the first thing he had in his rundown fridge.
His suit was tucked away in a corner, and he hadn't touched it much since that night. Crime had been at a low, and even if it wasn't, he felt rather nauseous whenever he put it on.
He'd tell you all about his plan in getting back together with MJ, to make her fall back in love with him, with how he promised both her and Ned that he'd come back for them, but his childish promise seemed more difficult to pull off seeing that they had moved to Massachusets a couple days ago.
He found a job at the computer store down the street, one of the last of its kind, and glimpsing at how you had been able to secure that Stark internship a couple years ago, Happy seemed intent on letting you stay as your job in New York continued from the comfort of your room. Moreso, Peter's, seeing how much time you spent there.
"I just," You looked up from your laptop as Peter slammed the door shut, kicking his shoes off with an annoyed huff, "I hate it so fucking much. Seein' MJ with that dick on her socials and Ned watching Return of the Jedi with Flash..." He flopped down on the mattress, his weight pushing you down a bit as you gave his back a comforting rub, your fingers tugging on his hair as he whined quietly again, moving so that he could situate his head on your thighs, looking up at his ceiling as he pressed a small kiss against your pants, trying for a smile as you began typing away.
"'M sorry Peter," You glanced down at him, giving him an apologetic grin as you rubbed his shoulders, "It fuckin' sucks, I know," You patted his cheek as you went to type something, letting out a frustrated groan when your code didn't work, forgetting what you were going to say to him when your mind got sidetracked.
He sat up, looking over your shoulder as he read what was on the screen, lips pursing together as he tried to make out what you were doing.
"Need some help?" He offered and had you not been running on two hours of sleep and about seven cups of coffee from the past three hours, you would have said no. But you just pushed it towards him, letting your back fall down as you heaved in a sigh of relief after being hunched for so long.
"When was the last time you slept?" He commented on your drowsy state and you murmured some incoherent words as you gripped onto his pillow.
"What?" He glanced at you, worry taking over his features as you moved in and out of sleep.
"About a day ago," You gave a loud yawn, "Or two," You tiredly rubbed at your eyes, "Maybe t-three, actually," You yawned again, this time louder as you stretched.
Peter instantly put the laptop aside, moving so that you could lay fully on the bed, taking your glasses off as he set them on the little table next to him, folding them as you subconsciously snuggled deeper into his fluffy sheets.
"Y/n," He muttered some things as you yawned again, letting him place his hand behind your back as he lay another pillow underneath your head, "You gotta take more care of yourself, this isn't healthy.”
Your lips pouted as you stared at him through your lashes, thoughts running behind that head of yours as your brows furrowed with one another.
"I got'chu though.” You murmured tiredly, your hands searching for his as you gave them a weak squeeze, earning a gentle one back in return.
"I know," He pressed a kiss to your forehead as he tugged the blanket over your body, "But I'm not always here and you gotta know when to stop, yeah? I don't have anybody else, so I gotta make sure you're doin' fine, okay?" You gave him a slow nod, adjusting your head into the pillow as you gripped onto his hand even tighter than before.
"'M always here," You muttered slowly, "Nothin' safer than spiderman's apartment.” You joked with slurred words, sleep overtaking your features as you nodded off.
"Yeah," He almost choked as he gave you a tight lipped smile, giving the back of your hand a kiss, "I know.”
Peter gave a small chuckle as he fell on the floor, not letting go of your hand as he used the other one to wipe at his tears.
It felt routine to have his eyes water up at the end of the night. Most of the time, he'd know the reason behind them. Some of them for MJ, for the fact that he was never able to tell her he loved her one last time, for the promises he made in the final minutes he was sure he'd never be able to make. For the fact that he'd most likely never be able to sit down with Ned and just watch a movie and laugh and have nothing else to worry about. Other times they were for May and the fact that her blood still stained his hands, no matter how many times you helped him clean them. On the rare occasion, Happy would plague his thoughts, and even worse was when he heard Tony's last words, the deaths that lined his conscience whenever he tried to sleep.
But here, it wasn't for the regret, the pain, the longing he felt regularly.
It was because you held onto him no matter what, that even as you tried to move in your sleep, you held his fingers with all your might. They reminded him that even in the world in which everything lit afire, you were there to put it out. The girl with the large glasses and books overflowing her backpack, the one that painfully waited for him to back after every mission only to watch with tearful eyes as you embraced him once again.
In these hours you reminded Peter that even when everything else he loved had gone to ruin, you never left, even if it wasn't in your power to decide that, even if the fates above decided who's string to meddle with more.
You heard a muted sniffle and eyes instantly snapped open, worriedly looking at him as he quickly wiped them away, but you were already shifting so that you sat on the ground next to him, pulling him into your side as you wordlessly hugged him.
Too many nights you'd waken up to get a cup of water only to find him crying silently to himself, so even when he pleaded for you to just pretend that everything was okay and to go back to sleep, you trained yourself in hearing the little sounds he'd make.
"Wanna go sleep?" You gently offered, yawning as you helped him stand up as you led him back to the bed, removing his coat as you folded it and placed it to the side, helping him situate himself on the bed as his cheeks shined in the moonlight that flooded in.
The two of you constantly switched places in taking care of one another, something that was rare before everything happened, but almost felt like clockwork as you began acknowledging that aside from Ned and MJ, who you rarely heard from anymore, Peter was really all you had left.
You went to go to the couch, your usual resting place when you felt him hold your hand, his brown eyes swimming with a mess of emotions as he refused to let go.
"Stay," He whispered, voice lost to his own mind as he almost beseeched, "Please."
You had slept in the same bed with him before. There was that one time you refused to sleep on his dirty floor and made him begrudgingly share the right side of his mattress with you, or the one time Ned kept on farting and he made him switch places with you, but never when he was this vulnerable.
But you gave him a slow nod, collapsing in when he scotched aside, letting you find your comfort as you edged into his back, the limited space not big enough to house the two of you in the simplest way, but you made it work.
You didn't know just how much it eased Peter when you relaxed into his chest, or the way his hand subconsciously found its way across your chest in his sleep and the way you turned around at one point, your breathing hitting each other as the two of you slept as though one.
---
After that, sleeping alone just never appealed to you anymore.
If not for his strange warmth, Peter was a comfort you seek out when alone, and being safely tucked away in his arms, however platonic, surely helped ease your thoughts at night that he wasn't doing anything idiotic.
He had changed dramatically since the boy you once knew.
He was quieter than before, much more reserved. The nights he went away on patrol were terrible because every siren you heard, every time you saw the clock tick past four you wondered if he'd be coming back.
Every time he left he'd promise he'd return, but it might have been your paranoia from before or the fact that you, alongside a handful of other people, actually knew him, and feared he may never come home.
Of course, he never wanted to leave.
Even though you assured him you'd be fine and could do well on your own, he always seemed to contemplate his departure much longer than he used to in his past, glancing at you and at the colorful array of locks at the door.
His apartment was protected, that much you knew. He had learned some things when he spent that awkward night with Bucky and Sam, but they had shown him some ways to make locks safer, and he had shown you how to turn off the safety on the gun he stored away just in case.
He told you to call him if you even got a papercut, and even though you promised you would, you forgot to call him that one time you accidentally cut yourself when making dinner and got an earful when he came back, fretting over your wrapped up finger as you assured him everything was okay.
But he never really went over what to do in case somebody actually broke in, and listening to the loud thudding from behind the door made you wish he had.
You had called 911 and they had told you they'd be here in a quarter to ten, but the clock on your phone was already read 10:05 so you heavily doubted if those sirens were going to come any closer.
You had called Peter multiple times, always going to voicemail, just as you suspected, and with each lock giving way from under the pressure from the people behind the door.
When he got to voicemail once again you let out a small cry, lips trembling as you tried to cover yourself the best you could with the clothes in the closet you laid hidden in.
"Peter," You let out a yelp when the door finally slammed down and multiple voices could be heard from the outside, "There are people outside and they just came in and I'm in the closet, I-I," You limited your voice to a whisper as the people on the other side shouted from one another, grumbling angrily to themselves as they realized there wasn't anything valuable in the small apartment, "I'm scared, I don't know what to do." You shakily admitted, the yelling never stopping as they searched through the cabinets and drawers.
"Check in there!" One yelled to the other and you couldn't do anything as the footsteps got nearer, ending the call as you tied to make yourself as hidden as possible, the door slamming open as one of the men began searching through the clothing, his eye never catching yours as he yelled back to the man behind him, stating that there was nothing here.
You stayed as silent as you could, not even breathing as the man left, going back to flipping the mattress over as they searched for valuables that weren't there.
You could see through the crack in the door when a flash of red flew by, screams momentary as Spiderman flew in, his masked face looking wildly around, seeing your face peeking out from behind the wide array of the coats as he let out a sigh of relief, not before he gave the two men what he came here to do.
"You touch her?" He snapped, voice lined with fury, something you had never heard before as the two men looked at each other confused.
"Who? We ain't touch nobody!" The one with the beard yelled, struggling against his webs.
"If my girl has a scratch on her fuckin' body you gonna tell me who did it?" Peter's hand flew to the other neck, his grip tightening as he wildly shook his head.
"We didn't touch anybody! Didn't even know somebody was here!" He yelled, words slurring together when Peter removed his hand just a bit, assessing your features as you shook your head, silently telling him that you were fine.
It only took a couple of seconds before he had them tied up and thrown away, letting the police do whatever they wanted with them as he came back, shutting the door with his web as he instantly sprinted to where you were, carefully and slowly peeling you out from your hidden corner as he dusted you off, his hands shaking as he looked over your face, almost not believing what was in front of him.
"Are you okay? Are you hurt? Do you wanna sit down?" His thumb swatted at the dried tear marks, pulling you into his chest as he hugged you as tightly as he could.
"I'm okay, I swear.” Peter let out a relieved sigh, nodding more to himself as he pulled away from you, only to bring you back in when the fear from minutes before settled deep into his bones.
"I got your voicemail and I swear I've never run as fast as I did," he muttered into your hair, "God," You heard him groan from above you, "Just about felt my heart stop when I didn't see you.” He pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead and you pulled away, giving him a weak chuckle as you tried to wipe away at his tears.
"If I lost you…” He stopped, looking to the side as your hands moved up to touch his jaw, to redirect his focus back onto you, to take the pain away you knew he shouldered so well.
Peter's hair was messed up from the wind, his cheeks red and tinted with salty tracks, but he had never looked more beautiful than he did now, chocolate eyes finding yours as he felt everything in his stop.
"Y/n, if I lost you I think I'd lose just about everything that mattered to me.” He admitted, his hands never leaving the sides of your face as you whimpered, crying as he kissed the tip of your nose.
"Pete..." You couldn't finish the sentence as his hands moved down, gently lifting your face up as he placed a kiss to your lips, your breath catching in your throat as Peter kissed away everything you wanted to say.
He stated like tears and blood, but his lips were soft and forgiving. They moved in tandem with yours, greedy and hungry as he lapped away every sort of pain the two of you had felt in these past months.
It didn't matter that the outside world was slowly catching fire, because here, with Peter kissing you like you were his oxygen and he was a man starved of air, nothing else seemed to matter.
He was rough yet kind, quick as he tried to make sure you were here, that you had been here all along, and you let him move you around, throwing your head back as his lips hungrily moved downward, wet kisses lining your throat as he hungrily marked what was his.
"Peter," Your hands found purchase in his hair, "Pete, look, I'm okay.”He wanted to almost scoff at the way you thought he was kissing you like his life depended on it just because you were fine.
He moved away, lips bruised, red, and plump as his chest heaved, eyes dark with primal desire as he shook his head, hands gripping your waist with a force strong enough to bruise.
"I know darlin'," He pressed a chaste kiss to your nose, "I just gotta show you how much you mean to me, can't wait for a second longer.” And he stuck to his words as he quickly made his way to the bed, laying you down as your hearts intertwined in a peculiar, melancholy yet simple rhythm.
In those months the world forgot Peter Parker, his life was rewritten by somebody who seemed the realize that no matter what sort of power decided to mess with his gloomy, sunken life, you'd always be there.
Peter knew now that love wasn't what carried you through, or perseverance or the sheer fact alone that you were you and nothing could break the two of you apart, it was that when the world forgot Peter Parker, you could never forget the boy who stole your heart those years ago, the one that made his way into your very mind and refused to leave.
His life would never be the same again, no matter how much he wished it would be. The burden of the world would fall onto his shoulders at the end of the day, a cruel game he'd be tested with at every hour, but he swore that as long as he'd have you, he'd do whatever he could to make this cruel life somewhat sweet again.
A headcanon of how Peter Parker learns to handle his grief, since...he kinda had a lot of practice by now.
oh this is gonna be kinda sad 😫
Peter's been dealing with grief for... well way longer than he should have
For many years growing up, it was just sort of normal. People are born and people die, people come and they go, and the cycle of that is part of why he likes science so much
The extreme interest in science and helping people is how he escapes from actually thinking about his grief and his pain
Peter logically knew that one day he would experience it again but not so soon, and not so repetitively, and not so intense
It felt like a bomb went off
A bomb of despair and agony and frustration and confusion and ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR
At first, he'd be helpless. He'd sit in it, he'd cry, he'd act out, he'd be angry
It isn't until he starts seeing that it's affecting the people around him, his friend, his partner, his teammates
After a while, Peter would notice that people wouldn't look him in the eye. They'd leave rooms a little more quickly and it would quiet down when he entered.
And he hated it. He hated having a negative affect on people, and for a little it made him worse. Peter would start locking himself away, only coming out when needed
I'd like to think it would be a moment of clarity for him, but the reality is Ned or Bucky or Happy would say something along the lines of "Tony wouldn't want you brooding" or "You know May is hurting seeing you like this"
And it would HURT
He'd be angry as shit at whoever said that, he'd probably cry as hard as he did when he lost them, but ultimately he'd know they're right
And it would start there. Peter would remember he processes things better when his hands of busy
So he buys a bunch of Legos, build sculptures and breaks them down and rebuilds them
When that stops working he'd move on to suit upgrades, maybe try making a new suit from scratch
That would be the easy part
The hard part is mending the relationships of those still around
Peter would be the type to spring board game nights or movie nights on
He'd avoid anything that would remind him of the grief at first
His friends would also talk him into a therapist or at the very least a trauma counselor
Peter would struggle with finding normalcy again
I think ultimately he'd come up with a list of things he'd want to accomplish that he thinks would make the people he lost proud. Some big items and some small
And when he gets really down, he'd have his routine of building something them working towards a goal
It doesn't fix the grief, it doesn't even make it smaller, but it helps him grow around it
Dog Days - (TASM!PeterParker) - You might have been ever so slightly perturbed about Peter seeing you in your underwear if he wasn’t sporting a large cut along his jawline; one that looked achingly fresh.
Overheard - (TASM!PeterParker) - A moan—soft and quiet and muffled by closed glass, but very clearly coming from the other side of the velvety curtains that were blocking his view into your room. Shit. Peter gulped. Did you have a guy over? He hadn't known you'd been seeing anyone, and the thought of his best friend rolling around in the sheets with a guy he hadn't even met somehow set a flame of something ablaze in the pit of his stomach.
Handsome Devil - (TASM!PeterParker) - Peter would like to get your head in the conjugal bed.
That One Night with Spiderman - Spiderman slept with a random girl he just met. There's a new vigilante/superhero in town. Do the math.
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A peter parker x reader where even steve is interested in her? Possible setting is the Avengers compound? ending however you like it.
author’s note: woahhh okay i actually love this! so with this one shot i loveeee that steve was there for reader and everything, and how tony was there for peter ahah! but one of the things i want to add in this note is that i wanted to highlight a bigggg part of relationships i see that have problems: communication! all relationships can have this problem (even with romantic/platonic ones) and each relationship expressed in this one shot shows a type of issue with communication :) the main one being Peter x Reader!
anyways i really hope y’all like this! Peter and Reader ages suppose to be ranging in their twenties because of how long their relationship has been. setting is avenger’s compound and reader’s apartment
Masterlist
Peter Parker x Reader, Steve Rogers x Reader (featuring Tony Stark) (Angst! Some fluff!)
Word Count: 2.7k
Warnings: ANGST with slight happy ending, Stevie being a tiny little bit strange, very small piece on smut (not described), and cursing
thank you for sending in a request :))
“Peter, if you can’t talk to me about things, how am I supposed to know what to say?” You question, fighting off the urge to cry. Peter stood off to the side, closing himself away from you, almost like he didn’t even want to see you.
“You should just leave. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I don’t want to see you anymore.” Peter murmured back, voice cracking, and your expression dropped completely. Why was he fighting you off, and keeping you away? The two of you have been together since high school, and you thought he trusted you, cared about you.
But what now? He just didn’t even want to look your way anymore. You really didn’t want to give up, but your stomach had felt like it dropped to the ground, and you couldn’t hold a steady breath. You gave him one last look, before you let your tears slipped, and you turned away.
“Fuck you, Peter.” You whisper, walking off, and swiping away at your face, trying to get rid of the tears. You didn’t even have a ride back to your apartment. Your car broke down last week, and you took an uber here, and now your phone was dead.
Everything was going to shit. You tried not to think about anything at all. Tried to dissociate yourself away from this situation, switch your emotions off, but it hurt too much. Peter Parker was your longtime boyfriend and best friend. You thought you were going to marry him…
The two of you were even looking to move in together, and then it all went bad once he started going on more missions. It started off with him being gone for days, and then weeks, and then months and you were lucky to get a text from him. You thought he was going to come back to you like everything was normal, but of course it wasn’t.
It really did hurt you. You started walking to one of the more discreet exits in the Compound, just to avoid everyone. You had no idea how you were going to get home though. Pulling your hood up, you lower your head to hide your tears, and start speed walking, almost even running away.
“Hey!” Steve called out from behind you. You turned around slowly, coughing from the pain in your throat from crying. Steve didn’t realize you would be here today; he would have greeted you. His crush for you was apparent to everyone but you though, and that was all okay to him since you were dating Peter.
“Uh, hey Steve.” You greeted back, but your voice was breaking, and a few more tears slipped through. Steve gasped when he saw you, and walked closer to you, “What happened?” He asked softly, pulling you into a hug.
His heart felt like it would drop into his stomach when he saw your face. You looked absolutely wrecked, it hurt him, and when you spoke up, he could feel your pain transferring over.
“Peter…” You answered, not adding on to what had happened, hoping Steve understood you. He was always there for you no matter what, he was even closer to you than Peter was for the months he was gone.
He pulled you into a delicate hug, and you instantly sobbed, almost breaking against him. “Honey, come on, let’s get home.” Steve whispered to you softly, running a hand up and down your back.
In all his dreams, he never imagined you like this, so broken by a moment between you and Peter. In all honesty, he did dream about holding you close like this, but not with you crying, but with you happy and in love with him, instead of Peter. So, having you here in his arms, didn’t feel right, even though he has dreamed about this for ages.
You didn’t respond to him, but you did hold onto him tighter. Stupid Peter, why did this ever happen? Why did you come today? You thought, making your head pulse even harder and you almost felt… clumpy, trying to breathe in and calm down. It was a strange way to describe it, but that was the only word you could relate to.
-
Peter was feeling the same way. Right when you turned around to leave, his chest felt empty and hollow. Like you were missing, but he couldn’t reach out to you, not now. All those messages you sent him during his long missions made him happier, but he missed you even more than ever. You sent him pictures of apartments that would fit the two of you, pictures you took together, and even some pictures of yourself in his favorite lingerie set on you. Goodness, did it hurt when he couldn’t talk to you back.
Going on those missions, all the agents he spoke to gave him one piece of advice, to cut out anything that might attach him to back home. And that was you. He needed to do it as soon as possible, seeing as he would only fall deeper in love with you each time you reached out to him.
A flood of memories rushed him, pushing him to sink further into the floor in his room in the Compound. He felt like he would melt right down to the basement, with the regret and guilt.
“I love you, and I don’t want to lose you.” Peter whispered to you, watching you eat your breakfast. You dropped your spoon in shock and stared back up at Peter. “Wait, no fair!” You shouted suddenly, jumping up from your seat, “I was planning on saying I love you first! Take it back!”
Peter laughed in joy, smiling, and feeling completely in love. “I won’t take it back, babe! I mean it!” he responded, picking you up and spinning you around. You laughed loudly, then leaned back down to his lips and in an instant the two of you were spinin’ and kissin’.
“I love you too Peter. I promise you won’t lose me.” You whispered back, kissing and smiling along with him.
A sob broke out of him, and another, and another as his AI, Karen, alerted Tony about Peter’s current state. “Stop it,” Peter sobbed out, begging for Karen to just let him be alone. He already did the hardest part, and he’s sure he could get past now, but it was so hard.
He couldn’t help but replay the first time the two of you had gotten together and what you said. You two had been dating for so long, and when it was time, both of you were 19 years old.
You two had been making out for at least an hour, making it harder for Peter to disguise what effect you had on him. You were grinding down on him, on his bed, moaning as he kissed you even harder, pushing his tongue into your mouth.
“Peter, do you want to do it?” You asked, breathing heavy as you pulled away. Peter’s eyes widened as he felt himself twitch again down there.
“Like…have sex?” He asked shyly, now pulling the blanket to hide his arousal. You nodded, going back to kissing his neck, before you pulled back again.
“I want to know if you feel safe and ready? Do you want to try?” You questioned, now moving away even more to make sure consent was being spoken of. Peter couldn’t contain himself; he nodded and shouted a “Yes!” and you giggled out a “Same!”.
Right before the two of you lost your virginity, you told him again, “I love you Peter, and I promise you won’t lose me.”
How often did you tell him that? His head was spinning, you were gone now, he lost you, and you lost him. And he was the reason why your promise was broken. A heavy breath in, then another cough broke through his body as he heard the door being opened.
He couldn’t even look up, he knew it was Tony, and soon after he was being pulled onto the bed. Tony didn’t say anything at first, just wiped away his tears and gestured how to breathe in deep and slow, and Peter felt himself start to calm down.
He lost you.
-
You lost Peter.
That thought came to you as Steve helped you into the passenger’s seat of the car. Steve kept a hand on yours, holding it tight, making yourself feel grounded. You were thankful for Steve being there, just everything hurt.
How are you supposed to get over your first love? The high school sweetheart that you thought was going to be your number one, but apparently, he wasn’t. He wasn’t your number one for a few months now, seeing how cold he acted to you. You wondered if he just didn’t love you anymore, but it didn’t make sense.
Steve’s hand squeezed yours, breaking you out of your thoughts. You were still crying, it made no sense at all, and you just wanted a clue or a hint to why Peter acted like that. Why he broke up with you.
You couldn’t smile back to Steve as he opened the car door and carried you up to your apartment. You would have usually laughed and kick around if Peter had done this, and he has multiple times before. Steve had already unlocked your door, since he grabbed your bag and took your keys from it.
He carried you in and walked to the couch, laying you down and sitting next to your head, combing his hand through your hair. You rubbed your face hard, wiping off all the tears and snot, as Steve whispered sweet little compliments to you.
“Steve?” Your voice croaked out, making you wince slightly. Steve hummed back at you, “Yeah, honey?”
“Thank you.” You murmured, pushing yourself up and resting yourself against Steve. He held you close as the tears slowly started to leave. You weren’t sure how long it took, your face all puffy, and your throat burning as he comforted you.
“I don’t know how to react.” You whispered back to Steve. Steve couldn’t be more conflicted in this moment. His heart hurt for you, and with you, seeing as you just had a heartbreak. But at the same time, a small dark hope built in him.
He wanted to beat himself up for feeling that hope, but it continued to build up in him. He couldn’t just tell you, and he didn’t think he ever would but at this moment, he felt it harder not to tell you now. Everyone knew about his feelings for you, especially Bucky. He always pulled Steve away from you, always reminded that Peter Parker was the one for you; not Steve.
It was an odd feeling, having an affection for someone younger than him, and dating someone he worked with. It didn’t help that Peter was always talking about you, when you weren’t there. It just made his feelings even stronger for you. He didn’t love you though, not right this second. But he was sure, if his feelings were to continue, he would love you with his full heart.
Those random dreams he would get of you, he always woke up before confessing his feelings to you. It was almost a fear, he didn’t want to destroy the lovely friendship the two of you built together. And now seeing you broken like this, pushed him to a limit.
He couldn’t hurt you now, not ever. He will never confess.
--
“Are you a dumbass or what?” Tony questioned, slightly laughing in a kind way to calm Peter down. His way of calming people down is off, but it always worked out with Peter.
“But they said to cut everything out?” Peter groaned out, still feeling hollow, and down. Tony stood back up, pulling his phone into his hands.
“Who told you that shit? It’s not even in the guidelines, kid.” Tony responded, now looking through his phone, finding all the agents Peter had contact with. That advice was more hurtful than helpful. In this case, cutting you away from Peter, would cause him to suffer more out on the field than achieve.
“I don’t remember... just the guys that were backup.” Peter confessed, rubbing his eyes hard, trying to get rid of the blurriness that affected them.
“Well?” Tony signaled to Peter to sit up. He complied slowly, pushing himself up against the bed frame. “What?” Peter asked back, not wanting to look up to Tony.
“Go apologize? Come on kid, go get your ‘babe’ back.”
--
Steve watched as you fell asleep against him, and he carefully picked you up and carried you to your bed. He gently placed you down and pushed a few blankets on you, after he took your shoes off and lightly wiped your face away of the dried tears.
He couldn’t stop himself from leaning back down and leaving a soft kiss to your lips, he stayed there for a moment, savoring it and he moved back as a harsh feeling of guilt washed over him. You moved in your sleep at the feeling, and you muttered out a small, “Peter?”.
Steve gently responded with a no, and turned the lights off, and left the room, closing the door. He knew you were dreaming of Peter now, instead of him, and he knew he needed to learn how to be okay with it.
It must’ve been another forty minutes until Steve heard the urgent knocks at the door. He peeked through the small window, seeing Peter pace back and forth anxiously. With a deep sigh out, Steve opened the door hesitantly, watching as Peter looked back at him with confusion.
“Steve? Where’s uh-” Peter got cut off as Steve rolled his eyes with his answer. “She’s in her bedroom.”
Steve’s arms were crossed as Peter walked into the apartment, watching as Peter gazed along the walls and the rest of the apartment. Peter looked back to Steve, unsure what to say, knowing of Steve’s feelings.
In a strange way, Peter knew he could trust Steve. He knew Steve wouldn’t do anything, to hurt you even more. But he wondered if Steve would hurt him instead. He felt like he deserved it though, knowing you went through such pain because he was being stupid.
Peter didn’t know if he should thank him or not, figuring it was best not to say anything. With a nod to Steve, he started walking to your bedroom, trying to form enough confidence for the speech he planned out in the car.
Before he could reach your bedroom, Steve grabbed onto his shoulder hard. Turning him around, Steve spoke, “You hurt her. Consider yourself lucky, you asshole.” Steve’s voice sneered into a strong threat to him, making Peter hold his breath, and nod back to him.
“Peter?” You asked, hearing the voices out in the other room. Your eyes watered from seeing him stand in front of you. His was the same, and the two of you stood there for a few seconds, before you looked to Steve and mouthed “thank you”.
Steve frowned, watching the two of you, and walked to the front door. Unknown to you, Steve’s affection for you building, as you sent him one last smile before he left.
As soon as Steve left, Peter started rambling, “I’m so sorry! I was a dick, and I shouldn’t have said that to you, and I should have done something else. All that time I was gone, I’m sorry. They convinced me to cut you off, and they shouldn’t have, I shouldn’t have let them. I love you, I’m in love with you. I’m so fucking sorry,” Peter stopped as an uncontrolled sob came out of him.
You were crying as well now, shifting closer to Peter, as he continued, “I am fucking in love you and I lost you just like that because of how I was acting and I- I’m sorry! I’m fucking stupid, and I even made you break your promise and I’m sorry-”
This time you cut Peter off, “I promised you would never lose me.” Your voice was soft, but on nerve. Peter nodded urgently, “Yes! And please-”
He came closer to you, now holding your hands, “Please, forgive me. We can make a new promise.”
You blinked away your tears, watching as Peter begged you, and you nodded back to him, “I forgive you, but no, stop.” You paused, and a deep choppy breath in you respond,
“I love you Peter, but no more promises. Just trust and communication.”
Warnings: Very light make out sesh, slight mention of anxiety, angst, cheating.
A/N: Hey guys! My name is Lae and this is my first imagine as I’m hopping on the Noah Centineo bandwagon. Let me know if you like this one and would like more. Request are always open. Happy reading!
This was definitely not how I would typically spend my Saturday night, but Stasia, my best friend certainly had other plans for us tonight. It was supposed to be a quiet night at my house, binging on popcorn and cheese puffs, but then her boyfriend called. As soon as she picked up the phone, I knew we were going wherever Ace wanted. I didn’t mind too much and Stasia seemed happy with Ace, so I never pushed. If I had known where we would end up that night, I would’ve stayed as close to my bed as humanly possible. Nevertheless, I sat in the backseat of Ace’s jeep, third wheeling once again.
“Stasia, did we really have to come to the lacrosse game? He’s here.” Y/N didn’t like to come to school events anymore, really. Partly, because my ex boyfriend was always apart of them, front and center. It was one of the reasons why I loved him so much, but now it was just goddamn annoying. “C’mon honey, he’s on the field it’s not like you’re going to see him. It’ll be fine.”
We continued to walked up to ticket booth, showing them our student passes before headed to find a seat on the bleachers. Thankfully, the game had already stared, so we didn’t have to endure all the pre-game nonsense. I respected the sport, I really did, but I didn’t want to see him lead the team out on their first playoff game with everyone screaming his name. Just wasn’t something I wanted to witness or be a part of anymore.
I hated myself for spotting him immediately, even with his helmet on. His signature white compression, tights he wore underneath his shorts giving him away. Plus, he was the only one wearing them on the field, so it was easy for me to spot him. I tried to pay attention to the conversation Ace and Stasia we’re having, but here I was again, completely enthralled by him. He always had this effect on me, even when we were dating. I couldn’t believe he was my boyfriend and that he wanted me, he chose me.
He had been everything to me. He was my best friend who ended up being my boyfriend, but I hadn’t seen him since everything happened. Frankly, I don’t know if I ever wanted to see him. Yet, here I was at his dumbass lacrosse game, courtesy of Ace and Stasia’s need to join the rest of civilization. Although, being here, it made me wonder if I done the right thing. In the moment, it felt like I had all those months ago but seeing him again didn’t clarify any doubts I was currently feeling about him.
I watched as the clock winded down to zero, the ring of the buzzer filling the stadium. Everyone cheering loudly due to the win the lacrosse teams scored tonight. The spirits were at a high tonight, and it wasn’t just because of the stoners smoking their blunts. Maybe I could actually use one right now.
“You okay, babe?” Y/N looked over at her and gave Stasia a half smile, it was the best I could do given the circumstances. I knew I had zoned out for a moment, so Stasia was waiting for me patiently with her impatient boyfriend.c
“Stas, I think I’m gonna stick around for a bit. You guys don’t have to wait up. I’ll be fine.” She gave you a nod, knowing this wasn’t something she should push, before ushering Ace in the other direction towards the exit.
As soon as everyone filled out of the field, that’s when I began walking towards the locker room before I even knew where my feet were carrying me. I stood to the far right of the entrance, waiting for everyone to come out, knowing he’s always the last one to leave. I felt my palms begin to sweat, and my hands began to shake but I couldn’t back out. This was the closest I had come to confronting him in the months we’d had been apart. I needed to do this for me. A few moments later he came out of the locker room, and I couldn’t believe it was him. Right in front of me. His tall stature making me feeling incredibly small, insignificant even.
“Peter?” He stopped dead in his tracks, knowing that voice was only existed in his dreams now. You couldn’t really be here. You never were anymore. If he tried to talk to you, you always went in the other direction. Peter tried for a few months, but eventually gave up on being your friend again. You so clearly wanted nothing to do with him and he had to accept it. Although, he still found himself thinking about you from time to time. You were his first and he was yours, it was hard to give up something like that.
“Y/N? What are you doing here?” I wasn’t really sure what to say. I didn’t really know why I thought this was a good idea. I knew it wasn’t. If it included Peter and I, it never was. We tried to make ourselves fit as a couple so hard, but we just never did.
“I actually don’t know. Just, um, please forget you saw me here tonight. Cool? Thanks.” I tried to walk away from him, but he grabbed my hand, pulling me towards him.
For the first time in months, I was looking at Peter and he was focused in on me and it felt suffocating. His hand had intertwined with mine, while the other left limp at my side. Peter’s curls fell perfectly on his face, still looked a little damp, but perfect nonetheless.
God, the way he was looking at me had to be intoxicating. He looked like a deer in headlights, and I wasn’t sure if I should feel prideful that I still had this effect on him or frightened I still did. The beautiful brown haired boy with wholesome brown eyes, looking down on me like I aligned the stars in the sky. Just for him, but we both knew I wasn’t that kind.
“Please, don’t go yet. I need a second with you.” I gulped, very fucking loudly or at least that’s what it felt like. My nerves already kicking in with the slight physical contact with Peter.
Then, his hand left mine and I felt exposed in the cool autumn hair without his warmth until I felt his hands cupped my cheeks, and I felt warm again. Peter’s thumb slowly grazed my lip, which had to be quivering by now, but I was completely okay with it this time around. Slowly, he leaned down so his forehead was leaning against mine, shuffling his body closer to mine. My hands found his waist, wanting to feel secure while I’m with him a moment longer. It didn’t matter how long it had been or the issues we had with one another, he was my home. Whether it was platonically or romantically, it was the truth.
Peter was so close to me now. So close. I could hear every breath he inhaled, and feel every exhale. “Please, don’t leave me again.” My heart broke at Peter’s words, yet I said nothing. We just continued to hold each other, neither of us wanting the moment to end. Although, maybe Peter knew this wasn’t good for either of us, so he backed away, losing any contact we once held before.
Peter stood there uncomfortably, the intimacy of the moment they shared suddenly hitting him. He knew he shouldn’t have been this close with you, especially not when he had a girlfriend.
“Yeah, right. How could I forget? I should go, Peter. I’m sorry.” I walked away from him and I began walking home, alone and in the dark. Such a perfect fit in comparison to the rest of her life. Until, Peter ran up towards you, against all internal wishes you had for yourself and for him as well.
“Y/N, I can’t let you walk alone, in the dark at night. Let me take you home.” You knew he was right so you let him do just that. Here you were again, in Peter’s Jeep and you could almost smell her perfume lingering in his car. Every time you thought of her, you felt like you didn’t have a place with him anymore. She was his best friend and his girlfriend. What could you be to him? You had been replaced and as selfish as it sounds you wanted to be that to him again but reality is a real bitch slap in the face.
There you sat confused as ever when Peter’s hand found your exposed thigh, your short dress slightly hiked up. I looked up at him, but his line of focus stood with the road in front of him. I decided not to think anything of it as I faced the other window.
Finally, we arrived at my home, which was right next to Peter’s. Always so convenient as he would like to say. For some reason, we both still sat in the car with the engine still on. Maybe we didn’t want the night to end because when it did, I’d have to forget about this night entirely if I still wanted to maintain my sanity.
“I want to say something just in case I never get to say it again.” Y/N looked at Peter again, before slowly nodding her head, waiting for him to speak. Silently, scared of what he might say.
“You need to know I never meant to hurt you. The way it all went down wasn’t my intention nor was it the plan. I loved you, Y/N. More than I have loved anyone, and I fucked it up. I know that. I should’ve went to you about everything, but I went to Lara Jean and it’s so fucking messy, now. I made my choice and I know I should stick to it, but don’t I have the right to change my mind?” I shook my head. He’s just having a lapse of misconstructed judgement, and then this feeling will be over. He’ll be over me, and I’ll be the one that has to move on. Peter will be with Lara Jean, and I’ll be the one alone, once again. Setting the reset button all over again was something I was so desperately trying to avoid.
“Peter, just leave it alone. All three of us know, Lara Jean is the one you’re in love with. Let’s all do each other a favor and bury this in the ground and never dig it up again.” I never understood why Peter couldn’t just leave it, alone. I just wanted to leave it all in the past.
I unbuckled my seat belt, turning to say goodbye to him, before I left the car but he had other plans. Before I even knew it was happening, he grabbed me by the waist, lifting me over to his side, so I was sitting on his lap.
“Peter, what the hell is your problem?” There he sat, as he stared at me intensely, without uttering a sound. In the back of my mind, I had the itching reminder that the boy’s lap I’m sitting on has a girlfriend. I tried to remove myself from him by opening the door, but Peter just closed it shut again. Persistent as ever.
“Fuck. You’re my problem. You always will be.” With that, he’s lips found mine and I forgot every thought roaming through my head. My fingers threaded through his curly locks, as I kissed him back with a passion I hadn’t felt in so long. He’s tongue traced my bottom lip, side to side, teasing for an entrance I wasn’t willing to give, just yet.
Peter grabbed me by my hips, encouraging me to move them with his own. I immediately gasped out in surprise, his tongue slotting in at the moment of vulnerability. He kissed me as if this was going to be the last time, and I believe it would be. So, I was going to do something I’d only ever done with Peter. I don’t think it’ll ever feel right if I ever did it with anyon me else. This was the chance which was given to me and I would take. I would accept any consequences along with it.
I pulled away from Peter for just a second, slipping off my lace thong, before stuffing it in the pocket of his gym shorts. Kissing him hard and fast, once again.
Peter was now clear on exactly where this was going and part of him wishes this would end, for Lara Jean’s sake and for his own. He didn’t know if he could ever come back from this or how he would. There was a clear line he was crossing with Y/N and he wasn’t sure if he was ready for it.
It wasn’t that Peter didn’t want to have sex with you because he really fucking did. You were the most beautiful person he ever had the pleasure of knowing, inside and out. You genuinely cared about people, and always put everyone’s needs before your own, but he had a girlfriend. Peter definitely didn’t want to make you feel like the other woman. It wasn’t who you were to him and he didn’t want to compromise who you were just because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. Peter knew everything you stood for and it’s why he loved you so much. He would hate himself if he turned you into the other woman.
Peter pulled away from you, detaching his lips from your for a moment. “Can we pause for a second?” I nodded slightly, thinking I did something wrong. Honestly, what had I been thinking? Peter would come back running to me when he had Lara Jean. She was perfect. They were perfect together. Yet, here I was again with him. Awkwardly, just sitting in his lap with my panties in his pocket completely exposed to him.
“Umm, did I, uh, do something wrong?” I ran my finger through my hair nervously like I always did, before returning them to my lap. I knew I was being absolutely selfish in this scenario, but it was Peter. I couldn’t help it when it came to him.
“No, of course not. You’re perfect.” Peter cradled my face in his left hand, with his right arm around my waist. “It’s just, um, Lara Jean and I are still together and I need to figure some stuff out. Yeah?” I nodded my head, understanding the situation I had put us in. I needed to give him time to process everything that had happened between us and maybe I did to. This was Peter Kavinsky we were talking about. There was always strings attached, most of the time they were pulling at my heart.
Before, I could say or do anything I heard a loud knock on the door and I was faced with Lara Jean with a look that would kill as I sat on Peter’s lap with my thong hanging out of his shorts.
A/N: I’m not fucking sorry cause Marvel isn’t fucking sorry. Might do a second part who knows. MAJOR SPOILERS BENEATH CUT. YOU WERE WARNED. Also you can thank @starksparker and @peters-vlogs for this ((: No taglist bc spoilers.
His body knew from the moment he jumped out that bus. His body knew once his eyes landed on that giant wormhole-type ship. Peter himself, though, had yet to have a clue. He assumed it was his Spider-Sense just acting out more than normal because he was also panicked. He was scared for his city at the time, and once he was on the ship itself, he was scared for the world. Scared for you, because he knew someway, somehow, you’d follow. You’d learn where he went.
You would absolutely travel worlds to find him, and he knew he’d do the same. It was half of why he was on the ship- half of why he was in space, on another planet. He refused to let his entire Universe just slip by.
He refused to let a world, full of thousands of countless memories and future possibilities of certain milestones and moments just fly by him. He was going to fight for his neighborhood- his city, his world. He was going to fight for May and for you. For happy holidays with May and sweet tender memories with you. He had to be sure you made it out with him. The world wasn’t worth being in without you. It wasn’t. He never imagined a world without him though, not quite yet.
Apparently you felt the same. You weren’t going down without a fight, and god did you ever put up one. How you managed to follow was way beyond him, but he wasn’t surprised that you did. You found him, and you fought with everything in you. However, it all seemed to be in vain. Everyone fought till they bled- until the bitter end, and yet the stone was still acquired by that purple bastard.
His senses were going even crazier than before. It made the silence surrounding him and everyone else that much more scary. One stone was left, and who the hell knew how long it would be before he got it. There were no if’s anymore, just one single when. He would get that last Infinity Stone- and then what? What would become of humanity? Would he be forced to watch you die? Or Tony? That’s what he had wondered at first. It’s what crossed his mind in the terrifying quiet. It was all he could think, aside from you. You swarmed his thoughts instantly. Thousands of possibilities and futures- now blurry and uncertain because that monster got what he so desired. This wasn’t fair. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go.
Then it happened.
First it was the dark gray skinned man, calling out for his friend before just disappearing into nothing. Then came the woman with antennae. Fearful and confused. Soon, it was the other man, the one who’d been with them.
He let out a soft “Oh man..”
Lastly, it was the wizard, the one who had said he wouldn’t give up the stone for anyone or anything- and yet he did for Tony. Peter was grateful, but still so very confused. Why did he change so suddenly? Why would he give in to that purple monstrosity? Why?
“This was the only way..”
Peter then looked to you, heart crying out at the mere thought of watching you slip away. This couldn’t be happening, not now, not to them. He fought with all he had- he fought so damn hard. Why was it never enough? Why couldn’t he ever-
“I don’t feel so good..”, he said suddenly, senses running rampant, screaming in warning. His body was desperately trying to keep him going- but for a brief moment, he couldn’t grasp why.
Your wandering eyes instantly shot in his direction. You’d been lost in your own world for a moment or two, trying to piece together what was happening and why. Trying to convince yourself that Peter and you would make it through this. You had to. It was him and you against the world, and you’d be damned if you lost.. but god.. had you done so already?
“You’re alright. You’re alright.”, Tony said, trying to convince himself despite the sight before him.
“Peter?”, you gasped, catching him as he fell into you. “Peter. Hey.”
“[Y/n]- I can’t- I don’t wanna go.. I don’t..”, he clutched you with all his might, gripping you like you were his only lifeline, and you were. You always had been. “Please. I don’t wanna go.” You could feel him shaking in your arms, could feel his tears. It was the most painful thing you’d ever felt. You’d give anything to have Thanos come back her and break all your bones. To rupture your organs- anything, anything else but this.
You were shaking with him, breaths coming out choppy and panicked. This was so wrong- this was so fucking wrong. You were both only seventeen. You had so much ahead of you. Finishing High School together. Discussing college. Thinking of jobs and careers and what the future held for you both. There were dreams of moving in together, of decorating an empty small apartment together. His and Hers sheets and pillowcases. Matching keys and keychains. Stealing each other’s socks, scarves and beanies. Borrowing his shirts for pj’s. Nights off spent binge watching TV and starting childish pillow fights. Pizza and video games. Talks beneath the moon atop the rooftop of your new shared apartment building.
There was a huge difference in coming close to death, and actually feeling yourself dying. Peter never expected to ever know both. He’d felt panic when he was trapped beneath that building. Panicked and helpless and on the brink of being crushed to death. However, he managed to lift that building enough to free himself. He escaped death and made it to where he was supposed to be. He saved what he set out to save, and though he got beat up, he lived. He couldn’t do this here, could he? His senses were going insane, throwing every warning sign they could at him, and his body was only delaying the inevitable. There was no lifting this from himself- no freedom. He could only cling to you and beg for a life he, at first, hadn’t thought he’d lose. He grew weary as he fought it.
Life truly was unfair. So young, so much ahead of him- and he was begging. He was pleading and crying and wanting so desperately to scream. He didn’t want to leave you. He didn’t want to go and god you didn’t want him to either.
He wasn’t even in much physical pain. He didn’t feel much, just his senses and how they soon began to waver. What was killing him was you, your face. It was blurry through his own tears, but he could see well enough. He could see the look in your eyes and the way you tried to hold your sobs in. He knew what this would do to you, because he knew what it’d do to him. He fucking knew, and it was killing him. Everyone else left so fast. Swift and with the wind- so why was his leave so slow? Why was the world torturing you both like this? In this moment, he hated his accelerated healing. He hated it because it was drawing this out. It was making the pain worse- it was taking it’s time in tearing your heart from your chest.
His vision blurred over completely for a moment, and when it cleared, he saw you above him. His head was in your lap, and you were smiling. It was such a joyous smile, it made his heart swell happily and become full of warmth. The dreadful cold feeling of death crept away from him. Your fingers ran through his curls, humming softly to him.
“We made it.”, you say softly, “We did it, Peter.”
He smiles at that. You sound so happy and so proud, and he loves it. You two made it. You outlasted a war- and he could just feel that you were in a shared home. Home. He could feel and sense that he was home. He didn’t have to see bright decorated walls or a feel a fluffy and inviting bed. He didn’t need a welcome mat or a key. He just needed you. You were home, and so as long as he had you by his side, he was always right where he wanted and needed to be.
He shifted, moving so he could rest his head against your chest and hear your soothing heartbeat. It was calm and quiet. “I know.”, he said, “I know.”
“I love you.” You words come out in a sweet hum and he feels small goosebumps rise upon his skin in response. He could never get over hearing you say that. It was so sweet and often unbelievable. A girl like you? So perfect in every way, loving him? It was incredible. You took his breath away just by looking at him how you did. Your love for him was never-ending. It surrounded him and made him feel at ease in his chaotic life.
“I love you too.”
Then why won’t you stay?
“Cʟᴏꜱᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴇʏᴇꜱ ᴀɴᴅ, ʀᴇꜱᴛ.”
Suddenly, your heart rate picked up. It was pounding inside your ribcage and it almost felt like it might burst against his ear. He looked back up at you and your smile was long gone. Tears were streaming down your face and your lips wobbled as you spoke. You were rocking your bodies back and forth, cradling his head in your hands. Your sobs chopped up your words and he was breaking all over again. The cold clammy hands of death were gripping at him even tighter now. He was going and he felt it. He felt his body disappearing- his organs turning into nothing. He felt you shaking and on the brink of screaming and losing it.
“You’re okay. You’re alright, Peter. We’re okay.”, you were trying to comfort him- and you were trying to deceive yourself. This wasn’t happening. He wasn’t going anywhere. No.
“I’m sorry..”, he tells you, “I’m so sorry..”
“Peter please-”
“I love you.”, his voice was soft and low. He was right on the brink, and he needed you to know. He needed you to feel it, one last time.
“Peter I- Peter! PETER!”
You didn’t get to say it back. You didn’t get to see his eyes light up one last time- like they always did when you expressed your love for him. He faded into ash- turned to nothing but dried blackness on your shaky palms. Though- not before his bright eyes went dull and looked away from you. He looked away- because he didn’t want you to see his light die out. He didn’t want you to know just how terrified and hurt he truly felt. He didn’t want you to have that last memory of him. He wanted you to have a soft and true ‘I love you’. Peter wanted you to feel the weight of his love one last time- one last sweet sentence. Something to hold you over for a little bit.
He blew away with one small gust of wind, and then you lost all sense.
Your blackened palms dug into your eyes, screams erupting from your throat and spewing out your quivering lips. You were on your knees, surrounded by ash in a vacant and practically dead planet- and yet somehow, you were sure it could feel your loss. Or perhaps it was just the other two survivors. Two souls that lost as much as you, but had been spared a lengthy and torturous good-bye. One of those souls didn’t even get to say good-bye to her loved one.
They ached with you, but differently.
Your screams would forever haunt their dreams and waking thoughts.
His face would be burned into the backs of your eyelids- and so you never stopped your screams. You never stopped, and your future- those His and Hers and sweet late nights filled with loving touches. They never got the chance to become the present..
