#personal space please

I had to go to a massuse (masseur?) today for a health thing - only problem?

I abhor strangers touching me, to the point that even shaking hands is very unpleasant for me

Literally the only one I am 100% comfortable touching is my mum, even my dad and brother, though I love them, it's the minimal amount of touching, like brief awkward goodnight hugs

I think it's a strange thing to do with my social anxiety, like my urge to look anywhere but someone's eyes, or having people in my personal space setting off the alarms

Thing is, this massuse is getting real up close and personal, I can feel her breath

Usually, you're too close if I can hear your breath

So even though this massage is supposed to help me relax and loosen tense muscles that aggravate present pain, I'm holding myself tense, I have to remind myself constantly to breathe, don't focus on it so you don't cry or puke

She comments on how unnaturally tense I am

I'm sure at least 20-30% of that tension is just her touching me

Now, I cannot help this

This reaction to someone right up in my personal space, something I'm borderline phobic about (don't know why, just am) is involuntary

But my parents, woo my parents, they are getting angry/frustrated, right?

Mum asks me how it was after I come out

I tell her the truth, a mistake in hindsight

It was wildly uncomfortable and my legs were shaking from all the residual anxiety I'd been internalising for an hour, coming right back

What do my parents do? What do they say?

Don't be stupid! Get over it! It's not that bad! It's massage, she has to touch you! It won't do any good if you hold yourself tense cause you're weird about people touching you! It's not worth paying for another session if you're going to work yourself up to making it even worse! It's mind over matter, you just have to stop!

(cue my dad making an aspergers joke - far as I'm aware, I don't have aspergers - it's like him making OCD jokes about my slight organisation/everything-in-a-row thing)

So yeah, they got angry, I tried to explain that I can't help it and they didn't believe me and said it was my own fault and I was deciding to be this way!

So I'm angry, tired, hurt, frustrated beyond belief and feeling a little like their love and help suddenly comes with conditions now (Just act like a normal person! You're not like this!)

Which, you know, feels bad

I just want to know, are they right?

Is this all in my head? I'm not making a conscious decision to be this way and the couple of proximity induced panic attacks I've had, they've dismissed as me being dramatic