#personal progression

Another example I want to give for the sake of giving one is working on my handwriting. At what point do/did I stop focusing on changing what my a's and i's look like? Would it have even been worth my time to devise some sort of quantity of mistakes, as much as I would have enjoyed doing so?

Its been a conflict for me: I enjoy my progress being so specifically quantified, but something changing so gradually, immeasurable by my own abilities, isn't something I can keep reasonably on a scoreboard or a notepad. I suppose the lesson here could be that progress can sometimes be made for the sake of progress with out some great reward.

Well before today I couldn't do the over head I needed to do the sleeve tuck,

The past couple weeks I have been really doing a number on my shoulder, I had a couple injuries on it starting when I was 4-5,

Early 80's had the old external wringers with two rolling rough rubber pins, kinda like the marble ones for baking, well, I was doing what I shouldn't of been and told not to do but me being me was mesmerized by the rollers, I use to play very dangerously, so many scars, so as you might finger out a finger grazing the roller like a surfer riding a wave till the finger catches both rollers at once, pulled to my shoulder, no emergency break, no child safety, hell I probably created so many of those safety revisions, I could escape a jolly jumper ffs, that's why I always wanted a straight jacket, I wanted a challenge,

So not only do I play around with the wroner once, I had to play around a couple years later, at least this one had the side quick release " in case "clothing" jammed in the rollers"

Mmmhmmm

If I was using my other hand when playing with them again I could of released it myself, but no same arm,

Move on to school when I was in elementary and bulling and tossed around, I am sure a couple knots are still in there, the bad incident was getting sandwiched playing football wearing no gear, the guys dropped me on the spot when they connected,

Given the past couple weeks I have been living with a dislocated shoulder 🤣

Never ever had X-rays there "specificly" I probably got 90% of the rest done 😏

Yeah I push this meat suit to its limits and there again, fuck it, I found out and I'll fuck around again,

Just wait till the lower back is worked out and I pull them trapped nerves, ugh just got nauseous thinking of it,

Horror and gore 🤣🤣🤣🤣

It's tragic so I laugh because I ran out of tears,

Hmmmmm

I wonder if that's how I filled my well, from all the tears I shed and into the ground they bled

With nature embrace and her loving grace where there was sorrow her roots took place

Now I have the well and spring, I am now delighted when I hear the birds sing

Rolling back to my shoulder, today was the first time in over 30+ years I could pull over my head, I needed to break out all of my old injuries,

The one thing that's stuck with me since I had my hand dislocated on that arm when I was ran into by someone driving a golf cart,

Kid you not, my life has been one turmoil after another, what truck is it, "tried tested and true"

Yeah I eat that for school snacks, ye seen my truck(s)

🤣

Sorry, (Canadian sorry btw), slipped off the rails 😜

No pain no gain, that finally applied, for when you want to gain strength you resistance train whereas if you want to bulk or convert you lift, the pain forced the mind to build more muscles so you can bench a bajezus pounds but can't wipe your ass, no judgment, I just winter how you reach?!? 😂😂

Maybe I can play the guitar better not I'll have to tune her up and see how Incan strum,

I'm not 100% but definitely 90-95

It's good to see your progress when putting f in the work, I spent over two years stretching and massaging, it was a lot of work and now the progression is paying off,

It's like Pinhead from hellraiser, every pin hurts the exact same so the pain doesn't go away till they are all gone but with the ones removed it does feel so much better, the amount of relief I am experiencing is nothing have ever felt in this life time, when I last saw my doctor in 2023, my body was still in complete hyper spasm, most of my muscles were "engaged" even at rest,

Every waking moment was a 7 on the pain scale when I moved it spiked to 9, 9.5-10 you pass out, I can pull my own tooth out and only need to shake it off, I know it shocks people because it still shocks me that I am tolerating so much unknowingly,

My breath is probably x4 what it was during my last check up,

The cocoon broke I am a butterfly, you know what I mean, no? Ohh let me remind you

Everything has been kind of fluctuating this week. I wrote down all of the bad but not much of the good because I think that overshadows.

I realized this week that I’ve made all these changes to myself in the past months I’ve been home and while I’m proud of myself, I feel like nothing has changed in terms of how I view myself. I still feel behind everything and everyone I want to work toward.

I feel like everything and everyone around me is moving forward and I’m stuck stagnating and watching people enjoy their lives and go forward. I think that my distance from Long Island the past few years has separated me from my friends here and I feel like an outcast. I’m afraid the same would happen with wanting to go back to Buffalo.

The idea that I'm going to wake up and be somewhere I don't want to be is my greatest fear right now. It’s been almost a year at this point and I feel like there’s been very little forward movement towards where I want to go.

I think it’s likely that what I’m going through is a symptom of me “shopping at the wrong stores.” I’ve ruined the original context of what was said by writing a short quote and not ruminating on it. If I remember right it’s about me not looking for the social interaction I need in the right places. I need to search outward in order to find something better. I can’t wait on all of the “what ifs” and just get out in the world.

I’m working towards what I want but the frustration is coming from that it all may be for waste or useless in the hands of others. I have to start proactively contacting people and maintaining friendships and not isolating myself from what I assume is disinterest. That assumption is possibly what is isolating me so severely.

Now this was very relavent for me today.  Maybe it was just this weekend's bout of depression talking, but ever since I stopped sketching tigers for Inktober, it's become painful for me to check out what ever one else in doing on the Inktober tag.  Today I even decided that I should just stop looking at other people's stuff.

In preparation for my Carpentry and Joinery apprenticeship interviews I displayed all my current projects that I created throughout the year onto A2 boards. These summarised the main aspects of the work I produced and this would help me show employers my creative thinking, how I used problem solving skills to produce art and design. This would also help me present the skills I learnt not only in terms of creative problem solving but the materials and processes that I used to create these different outcomes.

The top two boards for the Kilve and Synoptic projects I placed more emphasis on presenting the outcomes (using more pictures) because they displayed my abilities in using wood. Describing aspects such as my use of joinery, choice of wood, cutting and finishing details such as how I sanded/varnished wood. These would help show my practical skills which is what I feel an employer would like see within the Carpentry and Joinery role.