I Write My Way Through Chaos

I wanted people I could trust

But I was left in the dust

My body corroding

As my mind was forced with decoding

If you cared

You would've been there

That's what was said to me

But what about what happened to me?

5-7 years old

Why was my story never told?

Why was it hidden from me?

Why are you so sure I was lying?

If you cared

You would've been there

That's what was said to me

But what about what happened to me?

17-20 years old

My story was silenced instead of told

And you ask me to look at you with sympathy

While all I got was pity

If you cared

You would've been there

That's what was said to me

But what about what happened to me?

I wanted people I could trust

But I was left in the dust

My body corroding

As my mind was forced with decoding

I've been sick for a long time

I've been sick from losing my mind

My body took over my mind's illness

And played me like I was only just a witness

Not the victim of a crime

Ruined time after time

The secret that caused all of this

The one that stole my chance at bliss

The secret was that I lost myself

And I became someone else

But it never was on purpose

What kind of recklessness would serve this?

I wish to turn the tide

If only I had someone by my side

Who believed me no matter what

When I was young and distraught

And that woman swore I was lying

When I felt like I was dying

The secret that caused all of this

The one that stole my chance at bliss

The secret was that I lost myself

And I became someone else

But it never was on purpose

What kind of recklessness would serve this?

So, how can I get back what once was mine?

How can I fix the tides of time?

What can I use to get this all fixed?

When I was always so easily tricked?

I continue to close loops in time

But how can I finish this time?

The secret that caused all of this

The one that stole my chance at bliss

The secret was that I lost myself

And I became someone else

But it never was on purpose

What kind of recklessness would serve this?

I've been sick for a long time

I've been sick from losing my mind

My body took over my mind's illness

And played me like I was only just a witness

Not the victim of a crime

Ruined time after time

Why do I see myself in you?

Why do you act like me too?

Are you my past self?

The books have all been thrown from the shelf

And I can't figure out why

But the words I said before aren't lies

You're not me

And you shouldn't be

But somehow you also are

And it's enough to cause the stars

To switch planes

And he's stuck on gains

Your eyes, I've seen them in the mirror before

Your voice, I've heard it before

Your hair, I've touched it before

But who am I anymore?

Lost in the haze of memories not of this life

And that woman next to you is a former wife

You're not me

And you shouldn't be

But somehow you also are

And it's enough to cause the stars

To switch planes

And he's stuck on gains

That boy looks like one of mine

Those words so kind

You are a version of me

You have to be

But you can't be me when I'm right here

Why is this so unclear?

You're not me

And you shouldn't be

But somehow you also are

And it's enough to cause the stars

To switch planes

And he's stuck on gains

Why do I see myself in you?

Why do you act like me too?

Are you my past self?

The books have all been thrown from the shelf

And I can't figure out why

But the words I said before aren't lies

I can no longer weather this hurt

I don't mean to be too curt

But my body is turning to ashes day by day

My mind is ruining everything anyway

I want to let it all go

But I don't even know

What happens when all the pain causes you to wither away?

What happens when everything fades to gray?

Do we rebuild or reboot?

What do we do?

Do we keep it all inside?

With all the room to hide?

Let go of everything that hurt me

Scream about sympathy

Try to fix what was broken

Try to find what was stolen

But my mind is turning my body to ashes

Only watching as the wave crashes

What happens when all the pain causes you to wither away?

What happens when everything fades to gray?

I didn't rebuild or reboot

What do we do?

I kept it all inside

With all the room to hide

I ask for help, for guidance

Hoping for a different reliance

Something that would fix me

Someone who would save me

This mess I've made of my own mind

But to others I am always kind

Can I fix what the pain caused to wither away?

What happens when everything fades to gray?

Can I still rebuild or reboot?

What do I do?

Can I bring it all outside?

With all the room to hide?

I try to give away my pain

But it becomes a virus strain

A brokenness so unholy

A love that is so unruly

I find nothing that truly helps

And I feel smaller than a whelp

What if I haven't withered away?

What if nothing fades to gray?

Am I able to rebuild or reboot?

What can we do?

Is it all outside?

Does it still need to hide?

I find a new way to heal

One that is unreal

And I fix the pain in a different way

One that self heals day by day

One that doesn't involve avoiding the hurt

One that is wonderful and something I deserve

Kiss me, it'll make it better I promise

Kiss me, I won't have a relapse

Kiss me, the demons won't take me away

Kiss me, I will find a way

Kiss me, even though I'm terrified

Kiss me, we have no reason to hide

Kiss me and forget this even happened

Why are you laughing?

The words tumble out

I'm trying not to shout

This pain is killing all of me

Kiss me, even though I'm terrified

Kiss me, we have no reason to hide

Kiss me and forget this even happened

Why are you laughing?

I'm scared and push you away

But I need you to stay

Help me conquer the darkness

And release the carnage

Kiss me, even though I'm terrified

Kiss me, we have no reason to hide

Kiss me and forget this even happened

Why are you laughing?

I try my best day after day

But it doesn't make the pain go away

So I ask for more of you

Because that is all I know how to do

Kiss me, even though I'm terrified

Kiss me, we have no reason to hide

Kiss me and forget this even happened

Why are you laughing?

Kiss me, it'll make it better I promise

Kiss me, I won't have a relapse

Kiss me, the demons won't take me away

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I felt like I had no choices, but I let others' choose for me

But I felt like I wasn't allowed to have an opinion or to be angry

It never made much sense

But I never understood the difference

It was uncomfortable in my own body

Like I had to become someone else to fix what was wrong with me

When I started this deep dive into these memories of mine

I learned that some secrets are divine

And some are death defying

Like some sort of crime

But nearing death 5 times

Isn't nearly as scary as all the lies

Lies about my past in a cover up

I'm so sick and tired of growing up

Grieving the me who used to be

Before the cracks started to breathe

And become people in my head

I'd rather drown instead

When I started this deep dive into these memories of mine

I learned that some secrets are divine

And some are death defying

Like some sort of crime

But nearing death 5 times

Isn't nearly as scary as all the lies

I wanted more peace

I wanted to feel at ease

But instead, I can't have it

Why can't I have it?

I feel like every bone in my body is screaming in agony

Like fear ate me up and spat me out into dangerous territory

When I started this deep dive into these memories of mine

I learned that some secrets are divine

And some are death defying

Like some sort of crime

But nearing death 5 times

Isn't nearly as scary as all the lies

I felt like I had no choices, but I let others' choose for me

But I felt like I wasn't allowed to have an opinion or to be angry

It never made much sense

But I never understood the difference

It was uncomfortable in my own body

Like I had to become someone else to fix what was wrong with me

The noise started when I was 20

The noise stayed with me only

I loved it so much

And it filled me as such

The noise saved me when I felt like I was dying

The noise helped me with smiling

But when the noise came back I was comforted

The silence was unwarranted

I wanted the noise to save me

Because it was all I knew of me

It was strange and something I adored

What is this noise for

Two years

In tears

It was silent in my head

It was scary and something I dread

The background noise was gone

I was scared to be strong

But when the noise came back I was comforted

The silence was unwarranted

I wanted the noise to save me

Because it was all I knew of me

It was strange and something I adored

What is this noise for

The noise was my comfort place

It gave me grace

But it went away again for 2 days

I was stuck in a haze

And then it came back louder and greater

I was losing my mind in the strangest caper

But when the noise came back I was comforted

The silence was unwarranted

I wanted the noise to save me

Because it was all I knew of me

It was strange and something I adored

What is this noise for

The noise has been with me for so long

The noise has helped me stay strong

Eight out of the last 10 years

I now know why I find it dear

Close to my heart because it saved all of me

So, the silence is a terrible thing

The first Shard of Ruiel book: