When I think about the difference between having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), I think of the internal frame of a skyscraper that is being built higher and higher as you age. That skyscraper represents your experiences and who you are, and the internal frame is your sense of self and understanding of the world.

When an acute traumatic event occurs, it blasts a hole in the internal beams. If the trauma is coped with immediately, the hole can be repaired, and little changes about the overall structure.

If the trauma is not treated or recognized for any reason, the crew continues to build the frame upward and constructs the building around it, even though the blast will leave that section brittle and prone to collapse. That’s how I understand PTSD.

C-PTSD is not about a single blast, it’s about a sustained traumatic environment like when living in a war zone or growing up as an abused child.

C-PTSD is an unqualified or purposefully negligent, cruel construction team building a frame that defies protocol or engineering guidelines. They may build on rainy days when the conditions are inappropriate and weaken the materials, or they may use the wrong tools. The frame doesn’t look or function as it should, but it keeps standing, and the building is built around it. All the floors above that section have to contend with the soddy construction below and may make unusual or dangerous architectural choices to keep the building standing.

Both PTSD and C-PTSD result in a damaged internal structure that may not be visible, even if you’re inside the completed building. All you may notice is that the walls and soffits are at different angles than other buildings, but the building shakes and groans and the façade is cracking in places – it knows something is wrong, even if it can’t name it.

There is no real comparison between the damaged skyscrapers because they both have diminished structural soundness in different ways. Treatment must begin with tearing down walls and looking at the skeleton either way.

In PTSD, if logs are available (and sometimes they are not – the mind can suppress traumatic memories), they show the day the hole was blown, so at least we know roughly what floor to start on.

In CPTSD, the blueprints, the logs, they all say the same thing, it has always been this way. You don’t know anything about architecture, you’ve never seen anything else built, how would you know anything was wrong? And even when you do, the ripple of corrections has completely distorted your understanding of the records.

I am trying to repair my CPTSD.

In CPSTD, where do you start the repairs? You go to one floor and realize the damage goes somewhere even lower, somewhere even deeper. Rooms and floors the elevator never had access to are appearing. The ways the beams had to curve and strain in some areas to accept this and understand that are knit into such complex reliance that a fix may actually destroy something. In some areas, it’s all bubble gum and paper clips. Replacing it with something sturdier may send a beam through a wall. Sure, it’s stronger now, but it may not look as good.

And the engineers in charge of this project? They are terrified. Because sure we all want a stable, healthy building to live in, but it’s been standing, why are we messing with it? How long is this going to take? What if we have to dismantle an “error” that had curb appeal, or a handy shortcut that barely worked but saved us some time now and again? Will people come back if that “feature” is gone? If this all has been so wrong for so long, what does that mean? Is this even a building at all? Do we need a new construction crew? Is this area even zoned for a skyscraper in the first place?

And while we replace the insides of the structure below, we must find a way to build upward and trust ourselves to do it right this time.

The more healed I am, the more I know about myself, the more I fear the person I’ve been and question my own understanding of the world. My therapist challenges me to consider alternatives to my thought processes. “What if you’re not wrong? What if you are safe? What if you’re allowed to make mistakes?” Yes, what if? This is such an unknown, modern design for my internal frame.

The fucking people who offered to help with the move months ago and then completely ghosted me despite multiple attempts to connect and are now on my fb page sending 'awww I'll miss you so much' and 'it's too bad we couldn't hook up before you left' messages have me seeing fucking RED.

My partner and I suffered heat exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and the difficulty of having to make snap decisions on whether to bring practical or sentimental items because we simply could not do it all by ourselves. We spent days in the carolina heat hauling boxes to be donated or shopped or tossed. I documented everything live. They sent litte thumbs up and hug emojis but never answer a "hey you mentioned you'd be free today to help, what time would work for you" text because that might cut in to their Destiny 2 time.

Now the work is over and people who OFFERED HELP AND THEN VANISHED are soooooo sad and are gonna miss me sooooo much like fuck you actually. I can't think of a single friend I made in that city during the last ten years that I'll actually miss.

Heyaa!

I’m not sure if you are the same Annon as here someone lovely:

But I miss you too, guys, although there has been a lot of life happening in 2023 for me and it looks like 2024 won’t be any less eventful. 😄

I’m all healthy and fine, but exactly 1 year ago a few things kicked off which all together took away my motivation to write and from many other things as well, then I was organising a 3 week long US trip with my husband for us and my in-laws :D

And then I was just so busy doing everything that I realised in December I had time to actually watch 2 races, otherwise I was not home or I was traveling. 😅

Then in July we figured I am expecting a baby, and first trimester felt like a deadly combo with all our summer plans and travels again. 😅 and well from there on i am just focusing on being pregnant and preparing for birth and having a kid for the first time 😅

So yeah, I wish I took more time to be here because I really loved it before but with starting third trimester in a week and very probably having a baby in March the chances for my return are minimal. 🥲

Also I feel like because of some personal opinion changes I can’t make myself to write my usual pairing at the moment. 😬

I got these at Costco awhile ago but I haven't tried one yet, so it's today's lunch 😋

This is frozen out of the package, not bad. I'm happy with the amount of potatoes and definitely ready to see all the cheesy goodness (also, Fall plates of course Costco also 💕)

Annnnd.... cooked (with a Cherry Coke 🍒)

WARNING! ⚠️ FOODPORN AHEAD

🤤😋 this was SO GOOD!!! 12/10. It's got a sweetness to it via the layer of cornbread. So crispy, and satisfying. The cheese is ✨️