#performative femininity

I’ve realized how much more attracted to other women I am when they look like myself, and when they are not performing femininity. It’s really given me a new perspective on what I actually want to see when it comes to depictions of women in the media, and why there always felt like there was, subliminally, something off when I compared them to other male characters. They are, by comparison, so archetypal, so stripped of their humanity. And I never understood why I was so attracted to women in books and in friendships where we were dressed down and vulnerable, but seeing what men and even other women would call attractive in females (heels, shaven everything, makeup and curls, tight dresses, that “seductive” and coy demeanor void of individual personhood) always made my stomach feel knotted. It made me doubt that my attraction in other women was even real.

this is a realization i’ve only recently begun coming to terms with but i think it’s mostly to do with my autism and the low empathy i have as a result. i was always taught as a child that being empathetic is “putting yourself in someone else’s shoes” and imagining how they feel, and i always believed myself to be pretty good at that. but as it turns out, empathy is something much more complicated than imagining that someone probably feels shitty because their dog died, for example.

Allan is weird Ken. He is a Ken who doesn’t necessarily perform his gender, or conform to normal ideas of what a Ken is supposed to be. He is a deviation from the norm. But he isn’t treated that way! Instead, he’s just Ken’s buddy. In a world of Kens and Barbies there are also Allans; people who don’t conform to the system, but aren’t weird because they don’t fit into the system.

Weird Barbie is a Barbie and thus operates within the system, but still defies it. Allan doesn’t operate within the system and thus does not defy it.

Another thing:

Now I’m not saying it’s bad to dress up or express femininity, but it is not a feminist act. Everything that makes you as a woman happy isn’t necessarily “empowering,” it may just be fun!

To become empowered means to gain power. Power is not a feeling, it’s a fact. I don’t particularly see how putting on makeup or getting plastic surgery, or putting on a dress provides you with power. Happiness or satisfaction I can see, but power?

What is powerful about conforming to what is expected of us as women?

I know why it’s seen as “powerful.” Because it increases social currency. As a women under patriarchy, we are sold from birth the idea that our appearance is what matters most. The socialization is constant. You learn quickly when you wear makeup and a pretty outfit people notice you more, people pay more attention to you. People are kinder and seem to care more about what you have to say. You notice when you show more skin you get more looks and attention. And most of us still hold on to this lesson unconsciously.

Just simply look at the comments under any popular Tik Tok of a woman who doesn’t conform to femininity. Maybe she doesn’t want to shave, or she buzz cuts her hair, she doesn’t wear makeup or she wears it very unconventionally. Even a woman who works out and has muscle tone! If you’re a regular Tik Tok user, you probably don’t even need to go look right now, you already know how degrading and disrespectful they are. How that person is dehumanized, how men hate her simply because she isn’t cloaked in the uniform of femininity. She’s the worst thing that can exist to them: a woman they don’t want to fuck. She’s not attractive to them, so therefore she is worthless to them. This is the teaching of patriarchy

So it’s really no surprise that young girls and women on Tik Tok see expressing femininity as the height of empowerment. They see what happens to the women who don’t, and they don’t want that for themselves. They realize when they adhere to femininity, they get better treatment. And although femininity is dismissed by many men as “frivolous” or stupid, these same men will mock and dehumanize you for daring to express yourself differently.

Movies like Legally Blonde have y’all convinced women are dismissed because of men’s hatred of femininity, but the truth is it’s because men hate WOMEN. Elle was underestimated in that movie not because she was feminine, but because men saw she was a young attractive woman and instantly had a preconceived ideas of how smart she could be. They instantly underestimated her because of their MISOGYNY. Men don’t hate femininity, in fact many beauty rituals that women undergo began specifically to appeal to male tastes. Furthermore, un-feminine women aren’t treated as if they’re any smarter or capable, instead they’re dehumanized for daring to express themselves in a different way. In many cases, just for simply leaving themselves the way they were born. Just for not adorning themselves in the trappings of traditional femininity.