#compulsory femininity

'Autistic Social Masking x Compulsory Femininity'

This is my favourite collage that I've made so far. It's my attempt to say something about the complex societal stranglehold that enforces a mix of autistic masking, neuronormativity, cisnormativity and compulsory femininity.

I grew up in the 80s and 90s, autistic and undiagnosed. I was also AFAB but nonbinary and masculine, when the term and the concept of nonbinary were unheard of, at least where I came from. So, there was the pressure not only to mask my autistic traits, which is essentially to perform neurotypicality, but to perform femininity on top of that. Because so much of gender is socially constructed anyway, mask and gender performance became one, intertwined, indistinguishable. It was about social survival. And pretty privilage made it easier to mask; it gave me social leeway.

But at what cost? My sense of self. My health. My ability to make authentic connections with others . . .

I've been wondering about the differences between masculinity and femininity in terms of expression and inner self. If there are actual designated elements of each?

How would someone define concepts like that if each person has their own flavor at heart? I'm a stickler for definitions and objective wording, so it's got the perfectionist in me wondering where I type based on my own behaviors or views. Labels are not prescribed yes but part of me wish mine was so I KNOW where I land.

How do you define your own masculinity? How do you know what you aren't? Everyone seems so sure of themselves like they have a personal dictionary.

--- Delusional Rant ---

Generally I'm a submissive type of person avoiding leadership roles as it was chasing me with an axe (I'm scared if this or anything I do would cancel out masculinity) normally I don't wear makeup because it's not apart of my routine, I just like graphic tee's and pants most days and I'm pretty much a sedentary person—previously I was into construction at my college.

What gets me is... ANYONE can do these things! Parts of me keep wishing that what I wear or what I do makes me masculine as much as wearing makeup seems to make people think you're automatically feminine. You know what I mean?

It reminds me of a glue trap or being in a sticky mud pit. Some perceived energy or expectations are more sticky to a person than others, leading you to get immediately categorized (if me a (woman) would immediately be thrown into femininity jail no matter how I express; does it make it less real if you want it instead of already exuding it?).

The first thing people do is see with their senses—at least I do—then later you learn more. I admire people who know they aren't any less real no matter how they present. Traditionally, I like being read visually or audibly, which furthers my personal perspective on feeling authentic (I have a feeling this type of thinking isn't helpful for anyone).

I know I could easily fall into chasing masculinity (trying to perform) and rejecting all femininity just to feel like I have a grasp on myself, and then I get to choose. Unfortunately, I felt jealous of people who got to choose their femininity—I know for some, it probably wasn't easy. I can not help but feel like femininity was stuck on me like a stamp—why am I not grateful? Perhaps it's binary views I grew up on that's ensuring me.

Maybe I'm petty but I don't want to be told I'm this just because I'm a woman, even if I decide it be feminine it feels better to have a choice rather than be told you are. It feels less appealing or happy to be exactly predictable or stereotype? I guess. Perhaps I'm in the wrong here?

Why am I slowly turning NLOG ("not like other girls") to FEEL like I have options. Am I using masculinity as this outlet??? I've browsed force masc content despite not being the target audience.

Currently, my mom keeps asking me to shave my mustache because it doesn't look right—when I suddenly stop wanting to shave, it might've surprised her. I took this as an attack—Wait why do I need to shave again? I've just been mindlessly doing it....

The mustache made me see myself slightly different (if I squint maybe I look less like a typical girl in the mirror, that was slightly exciting and confusing?), I've been fighting myself on shaving but I had a passing thought of doing the opposite like buying cream to make it thicker just to see how it feels. It might spur me to look more masculine too... I'm not sure. Though, I started to feel imposter syndrome even though I haven't made these decisions yet. I'm highly obsessed with authenticity to my own detriment.

--- Conclusion ---

GNC has attracted my attention because of its freedoms, people aren't factory made and being beyond the rigid is human in of itself. The world is a whole lot more colorful. I've learned a lot more from open minded spaces than my church has ever began to accept saying. It's honestly made me do self reflection on my own biases, I still have a lot to work through.

Generally I'm a submissive type of person avoiding leadership roles as it was chasing me with an axe (I'm scared if this or anything I do would cancel out masculinity) normally I don't wear makeup because it's not apart of my routine, I just like graphic tee's and pants most days and I'm pretty much a sedentary person—previously I was into construction at my college. What gets me is... ANYONE can do these things!

You're right! Anyone can do these things. We all know that there are many gendered stereotypes, as well as more mellow gendered associations, that become sexist and arbitrary when they're expected or policed. It's true that, say, you'll find more masculine people in construction, but prodding out the causes of those patterns can be tricky or even impossible. Is it possible that masculine people inherently gravitate more towards construction than feminine people? Sure, maybe. But it's also possible, maybe more so, that the numbers would be different if the construction environment was less hostile and more encouraging to feminine people. How much would that affect the numbers? There's no way to know.

So, gender expression, along with the gendered roles/expectations/stereotypes of your culture that you fill, can all get a little muddy. Especially since gender expression and gender roles can mean different things to different people: i.e., some intramasc people have a masculine gender expression to communicate their masculinity to others, while some intramasc people just express themselves in whatever way they enjoy and that happens to be considered "masculine" by other people. Ultimately, a person's masculine allinity is a different entity than their gender expression-- for some people, allinity causes gender expression, and for others it doesn't, but for most of us it's a little bit of both. You liking graphic t-shirts and participating in construction could stem from a masculine allinity, but it doesn't have to, and you also don't have to know if it does or not. You can just be a person who likes those things.

The first thing people do is see with their senses—at least I do—then later you learn more.

This is true, and the reason why most people use their gender expression intentionally as a tool of communication, to communicate their gender identity and allinity identity to others, at least to some extent. I will say, however, that gender expression is only one part of the way you appear to other people. Many people report feeling that their allinity identity in particular can often be "sensed," if you will, by others (the accuracy of that sense is obviously subject to error and biases, but I think it's fair to acknowledge that it can be more accurate than a guess). I would imagine this is due to the way a person carries themself, the way they talk, their micro expressions and body language, or hell, even maybe "aura" if you're a spiritual person who believes in that kind of thing.

[...] even if I decide it be feminine it feels better to have a choice rather than be told you are.

I hear you. There's a post about this in my queue somewhere-- to paraphrase, it says, "Maybe girls don't always reject pink because of 'internalized misogyny.' Maybe it's justified to feel frustrated when anything is forced on you, and to feel a desire to rebel against it to gain some freedom from that force." I don't know if that's what causes the masculine tendencies you're describing, but it could be. Either way, there's nothing wrong with being a "stereotypical girl." If femininity is something that feels enjoyable and authentic to you, going after it on your own accord this time may feel freeing-- the recent movement in feminism to shift our attitudes away from shaming the "stereotypical girl" and celebrating femininity, even "stereotypical" femininity, might be something you could resonate with. Watching the Barbie movie might be cathartic to you if that's the case.

In the case that masculinity is authentic to you (which can be "instead" of femininity, OR "in addition to", by the way), know that being frustrated with femininity, and the lifelong expectation of it from you, is totally okay and normal. The frustration itself doesn't automatically mean that your masculinity must be "fake" and "retaliatory." There are masc women I've talked to-- who I relate to on this a lot-- who have even expressed that such long-term experiences of unrelenting emasculation have left them with very complicated feelings-- including frustration with femininity and the expectation of it-- that they're still having to work though. So you wouldn't be alone in that.

If you're scared you're "just an INLOG," know that the key defining trait INLOGs have is feeling superior to feminine women (whether or not they are feminine themself).

Ultimately, you don't have to figure everyone out exactly right away. Especially since it sounds like you're still quite young and figuring yourself out. It's okay to experiment! Healthy and encouraged, even! Try on aspects of femininity and masculinity, as you've been doing, and see what you like, and what you like about them. Do what makes you feel at home. Importantly, your understanding of yourself and even your identity itself will likely shift around a little bit as you explore and over time. You don't have to have all the answers yet. When you're ready, the answers will feel more natural and come to you much easier than if you're trying to scrutinize prematurely.

“Although there was more than a symbolic connection between the suffocating confinements of women’s long skirts and the suffocating restrictions that defined women’s roles, the dress-reform movement of the 1850s became an excruciating personal torment and a political mortification to the American heroines of women’s rights.

 Among the pioneers [of the “rational dress movement”] were Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Lucy Stone, the Grimke sisters and the self-effacing Quaker organizer Susan B. Anthony, who later recalled this time in her life as “a mental crucifixion.”

[...] Elizabeth Smith Miller, the daughter of abolitionist Gerrit Smith, [created “the short dress”] which she had originally stitched up for working in the garden. [It] had a somewhat Turkish look. The lower part consisted of a pair of ankle-length pantaloons with an overskirt that came to the knees. To the knees! No trailing skirts to get caught underfoot, stepped on, ripped or soiled. No undulating petticoats to gather up and hold with dainty grace while turning a corner or sitting down, in order to avoid a mishap. On a visit to Seneca Falls, Lizzie Miller gave Lizzie Stanton a practical demonstration. She showed her cousin how confidently she could walk up a flight of stairs with a baby in her arm and an oil lamp balanced in her other hand, without fear of tripping. Mrs. Stanton, who already had four of her seven children, was instantly converted.

With the bounding enthusiasm for which she was famous, she applied the scissors and needle to her own long skirts and began to evangelize among her many friends in suffrage and abolition, offering to make a present of the short dress to Susan Anthony, a promising new ally from the temperance movement. [...] Stanton wrote to her cousin. “We can have no peace in travelling unless we cut off the great national petticoat … Stand firm.”

There were many exhortations from one feminist to another in the years 1851 and 1852 to stand firm. Wrote Ida Husted Harper, “… the press howled in derision, the pulpit hurled its anathemas and the rabble took up the refrain. On the streets of the larger cities the women were followed by mobs of men and boys, who jeered and yelled and did not hesitate to express their disapproval by throwing sticks and stones.” Many a votes-for-women rally turned into a circus when an unruly mob invaded the hall to gawk at the [short dress]. What began as a personal convenience had turned into a painful political principle, the right of a woman to wear comfortable clothes. In December 1852 while visiting with Mrs. Stanton, Susan B. took the plunge, shortening her skirts and cutting her hair to make a total statement. “Well, at last I am in short skirt and trousers!” she anxiously wrote to Lucy Stone. She was the last of the great suffragists to adopt the style. 

Within one year, she would be among the last to still wear it.”

- Susan Brownmiller, Femininity

This is the “short dress” that women, well-known activists and organisers who were at the front of a massive social revolution, had to withstand physical and verbal harassment and public humiliation to wear:

I don’t think men have become any less committed to enforcing decorous object status on women, what with stilettos and 2-inch long fake nails, and clothes that can’t be moved in without constant re-adjustment or restriction.