#patrick jane

But that one month turned into two, three, four, five and finally six.

The memory of him grew more and more distant each day until he walked into the CBI building as if nothing ever happened.

It didn't take a professional eye to see how rough he looked: unkempt hair and clothes, stubble on his face and a tired look that pulled it all together.

The blonde headed straight to Lisbon's office, only to find she wasn't there. So he did what you had expected him to do on his first day after leaving.

He turned to you.

Not to you as individual, but as a team, and while that was an accomplishment nonetheless, it still hurt your feelings.

Grace called for him first which made the two male agents' heads turn as well.

Jane stepped forward and entered the bullpen.

"Well, it's good to see you all. How are you?" he said and looked around the room. The words seemed to spread concern but his demeanor didn't. To you it looked like total disinterest.

Cho replied for you all. "Uh, we're good. How are you?"

"Never better." He smiled and nodded. "Never better."

You hoped this opportunity would turn into the long awaited conversation you had wished for almost every day, but of course Lisbon had to make herself known.

"Jane?" she called out.

"There you are," he stated and followed her into her office.

After watching the scene unfold in front of you, all you could do was scoff and mutter a curse word under your breath.

Of course he didn't care about the time that had passed. He probably thought of time as some weird, unapproachable concept that didn't mean anything. Six months? Just a blink of the universe.

Clearly he didn't give a shit, but it meant something to you. Being Jane-less for 186 days and about seven hours definitely took its toll on you. Every day you worried about him. The missed calls and texts, combined with the occasional news you heard about him only fueled your concern, yet all you could do was observe and pray.

Now this hot, but extremely infuriating bastard walked in to greet your team for a nano second, only to leave and spend the rest of his stay alone with Lisbon.

Why did he naturally get pulled to her? And why not you?

Your little frowning session didn't go unnoticed. "You okay?" Grace asked, looking down at you. "I wanna say yes but you wouldn't believe me," you murmured. She was about to reply when you heard two shots coming from Lisbon's office.

You immediately got up from your seat. "What the fuck?!"

Grace, Cho and Rigsby followed you as you rushed to the closed doors. None of them seemed to be as disturbed as you were, not even close to it. You didn't pay them any mind, maybe they could just control their emotions better.

That was until they all collectively worked together to maneuver an unrecognizable body onto the ground.

You stopped dead in your tracks and watched Jane, Lisbon and Rigsby run towards the exit.

Your jaw would've fallen on the ground if it hadn't been attached to your skull.

It was planned, all of it. You didn't know what or why but it was evident that every single one of the team members knew about Jane's plan, except for you.

All you could do was stand there as if you were glued to the ground.

The feeling of confusion, exclusion and hurt was the reason for the tears forming in your eyes. Your shocked state made you unable of controlling how sad you looked, even though you thought you had mastered it years ago.

A hand on your shoulder pulled you out of your thoughts. Grace. Her expression mirrored yours — tears and redness both visible — but unlike yours, they were fake. She was a good actress and the first thing this observation brought up in you was detestment.

You finally closed your mouth and met her apologizing eyes with a cold stare.

In return, she bent down to hover over the unknown body, right in time for the approaching agents to see.

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The static hum of the car was a constant companion on the way to Las Vegas. You were driving to the Henderson Industrial Park with Cho next to you and Grace in the back.

Eyes on the road, hands on the steering wheel but still your mind was going places. Back to Jane and the situation yesterday. What else could you be thinking about if not the double betrayal by the person you would've trusted your life with?

To lighten up the mood, you put on the aux and "Rid of Me" by PJ Harvey started playing. Perfect fit.

You tapped your fingers to the beat while keeping your focus on the things in front of you. A car crash caused by built up feelings was the last thing you needed.

One look through the rearview mirror allowed you to take in Grace's concerned expression. It was aimed at you. The second you met her eyes, she bent down over her pen and paper.

You quietly scoffed and turned right.

The only explanation you had gotten yesterday was that they were told not to include you in the plan. No reason, just this simple sentence and an apologizing squeeze on the shoulder.

You were angry at every one of them and while the reasons and degrees of anger varied, you couldn't be bothered to try and act like nothing ever happened.

After a few more minutes of the agonizingly uncomfortable drive, you finally pulled up at the location Jane somehow pulled out of his sleeve. Right after parking the car, you got out of it and slammed your door shut, making your way over to the entrance with quick and certain steps.

Knock, pause, knock, knock.

The door was pulled open and you were met with the blue eyes that used to pull you in depths you had never imagined possible.

"Hi," Jane greeted with a genuine look on his face.

Your eyes bored into his, before you wordlessly brushed past him. You heard Grace apologize on your behalf and greet him, but all you could do was roll your eyes. If you could handle all this, he could surely live with your rude behavior.

Scanning your surroundings, you spotted a few stacked chairs in the corner of the hall and made your way over there to grab one. Normally, you would've gotten one for your colleagues as well, but for reasons unknown you didn't feel like doing it.

A loud noise made Rigsby turn his head when you as good as threw the chair on the ground somewhere around the makeshift space.

Let everybody fucking know you're pissed.

The others went quiet for a moment. Not like they were talking much before your little outburst, but it was obvious that they were eyeing you and each other, sending themselves little looks of confusion and irritation.

Grace and Cho moved in behind you and set up their space as well. They seemed to make sure to leave some room for you, since there were at least five feet between you.

You leaned back in the grey plastic and searched for Lisbon's gaze. "What do you need us to do?"

She turned towards you.

"Get a better picture of the area. Security and surveillance, threats that we could encounter," she ordered you.

"Actually, you could accompany me. I have to buy a melon," Jane cut in, looking at you expectantly.

"You need a snack?" you questioned.

"He needs a replacement for my head. His gift for Red John," Lisbon explained.

"Of course," you said as if this made sense. Serial killers and their sense for dramatics. "Right, I'll be your bodyguard then," you added and moved towards the door you came through just three minutes ago.

You didn't look behind yourself to check if Jane was following you, but there was no need. He quickly caught up to you outside and shifted to your left.

You had already opened the door to the driver's seat when Jane made you stop in your tracks.

"I can drive," he suggested.

"No."

"How can you know where we will get a melon?"

"Unlike your long outdated car, this one has GPS. We'll find the way, Jane," you retorted and let yourself fall down on the seat.

The blonde man sat down more elegantly than you and raised his hands. "I guess you're capable of finding the next store."

You turned on the engine and drove back onto the main street.

"Yeah, at least I'm capable of finding a store, right?" you asked and rolled your eyes.

Jane didn't reply. You didn't expect him to, but you did expect him to observe you, and observe you he did. You could feel his eyes studying your face and body language, noting down all the small signs that betrayed your cold behavior. For a minute or so, his piercing blue eyes examined every inch of your body, which made it extremely hard to focus on driving.

Finally, he turned his head back to face straight forward.

Jane kept quiet but you were almost certain he was going to start talking soon. Maybe he didn't trust you with faking a death and a kidnapping, but all the years of knowing each other made you able of anticipating his next moves.

"I know you're upset."

You scoffed.

"Oh, do you now?"

"I didn't want you risking your career for me."

You whipped your head towards him.

"What?!"

While you wouldn't be opposed to giving Jane a nasty slap in the face, you weren't too keen on driving both of you into a tree.

"Are you fucking serious right now? Don't tell me you care about my career while risking that of four other people."

"You're passionate ab-," he started.

"Yeah, well, so is everyone!" you snapped and shot him another angry glare.

His head dropped down and he started playing with his fingers. You sighed. Your annoyance could be felt miles away but you tried taking a few deep breaths to calm down.

"Jane, you're so fucking infuriating. Excluding me from this incredibly important plan was not only stupid but also totally unreasonable. And you know what? That's not even what bothers me the most."

You looked over at your right to see if he made any attempts to speak, but of course he didn't.

"You didn't contact me once for half a year. Half a year!" you emphasized.

He stayed still.

You scoffed again and turned back to face the road.

The silence weighed you down like gravity.

A few minutes passed, yet Jane didn't make any move to speak.

You knew he was bad at apologizing and expressing feelings that didn't involve cheekiness, but he did sometimes manage to show gratitude or condolence.

For now, he remained quiet, which caused your anger and hurt to grow.

You squeezed and released the steering wheel multiple times to ground yourself and took a few deep breaths in. This kind of conversation wouldn't happen without you signalizing your nervous system to calm down. A panic attack held the power of turning what was about to come into a greater kind of disaster.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

"I trust you with my life," you finally said. "I always assumed it was the same for you but you've proven that to be wrong."

Only two sentences out and you already knew this monologue would go on for a while.

"Tell me how long we've known each other. Is it four years now?" you pressed.

"Almost five," Jane mumbled without looking at you.

"Right, five years. A lot happened in those, wouldn't you say?"

You continued before he could speak. You didn't need him to.

"We see each other every day at work — or used to, at least. We spend about ten hours a day together, sometimes even more. There's times where a case gets too dangerous and one of us gets hurt. Whenever that's me, you patch me up and give me a cup of tea while keeping me close to you."

You took a small break from talking to collect your thoughts.

"Whenever it's you, I try my best to turn off your mind, because for whatever reason, physical bruises don't bother you as much. The only thing that's making you feel miserable is yourself. Your brain is an engine that's constantly reminding you of all the bad things that ever happened, no matter how big or small they might be."

"Everytime I manage to bring out the smallest grin of you, I feel like I just hit the jackpot. I know how deep your thoughts go and that sometimes it's hard for you to get back, but I usually prevent that."

"I seriously believed that made our relationship special," you admitted and cringed at how stupid it sounded now.

"On a few nights you felt like my anchor — like you were the only thing keeping me from going insane. I thought that was mutual."

You faced him, only to find that he was turning away even more now.

"A few months before you were fired was one of those nights," you recalled. You were certain he already knew what you were talking about but you felt the need to go more into depth.

"We got a confession after weeks of working our asses off. He even told us where he hid the bodies but none of us expected it to be a fucking mass grave. After covering the area, I drove home. You knocked ten minutes later, saw how messed up I looked, and held me tight."

The car came to a halt in front of the glowing red traffic light. The red seemed to be a perfect representation of your rage.

"I felt safe in your arms. I felt like I was allowed to forget about the cruelty of the world for a moment."

Your rambling was interrupted by a voice crack and the feeling of wetness in your eyes.

"Do you remember how you stayed the night? How we shared our space and feelings and comforted each other? How close we were and how we pulled away before-," your voice broke again and you wiped a fallen tear from your cheek.

The light turned green as if it meant to encourage you to go on.

You stepped into the petal, driving forward.

"Can you imagine how I feel after going from an almost-kiss to not seeing the man I can't function without for six months?"

As you turned to look at him with a tear smeared face, he finally met your gaze, though he didn't reply.

"Fucking miserable, Jane! Like somebody put chains on me and sent me away to rot in the freezing cold."

His face displayed grief, meaning that you got the reaction you wanted, only that it didn't feel satisfying.

"And now, on top of that, I end up being the only one who wasn't allowed to know about your genius little plan while everyone else did. I wasn't the first person you searched for after coming back, in fact, you didn't look for me at all."

"The only thing that would explain any of this is that you never even cared."

Your chest hurt at this conclusion, like someone tore out your heart after painfully opening your rib cage.

"That's not true," Jane assured. His voice was quiet but he sounded offended.

He had no right to be offended.

You scoffed and rolled your eyes at this. "Then please explain to me why it feels like it."

You could audibly hear him taking a deep breath in, just like you had done before. Maybe now was the time for the truth.

"You know I didn't just contact you within those months. I had to distance myself from everybody, otherwise the disguise wouldn't have worked."

"I didn't treat you any different than the others, but you can believe me when I say I wish I could've," he explained and paused for a moment. "Do you think I enjoyed being apart from you for this long? I thought of you almost every night and it only hurt more the longer I stayed away."

"It would have taken one message. One. You know I can read your code, I know you well enough for that," you countered, still not grasping it fully.

"Contacting any of you just once could've made my cover blow, you know that-"

"Of course I do!" You interrupted. "I would've acted the same but I never would've indulged in this in the first place. Your obsession with Red John is rooted way too deeply."

"Looking for Red John makes you think you're keeping the people you love safe, while you're actually losing them in the process."

The atmosphere turned into something weird after you said this. It was quiet in the car — safe for the constant humming of the engine that reminded you of your place — but it was evident that both of your minds were filled with thoughts and your mouths with yet unsaid words.

The turn signal of the car flickered, indicating that you were about to change lanes and therefore cross the line.

"Why didn't you involve me?" You finally asked outright, needing an answer to your most pressing question.

"I couldn't risk losing you," Jane admitted. He sounded truthful, but things weren't adding up to you.

"But you decided to risk losing your boss and coworkers?" you probed, looking at him expectantly.

"It's different with them."

"How so?"

"They're people from work. Friends, but nothing more."

"I still don't understand how that is a reason to exclude me."

Jane's piercing blue eyes met yours. He looked a little confused, like he had expected you to know his motives by now.

"Our relationship had changed before I left. It wasn't purely platonic anymore and I feared that by contacting, or making you follow this plan, I would endanger you."

Your facial expression only worsened by his explanation, so Jane knew he had to fully commit now.

"Red John goes after people I love. That puts the biggest target on your head."

Oh.

Oh.

Patrick Jane just confessed his love for you after avoiding and excluding you in every imaginable way.

How could one possibly react to this? Laugh and cheer, break into tears, talk about reciprocation or perhaps ignore it?

Your mind was dead set on the latter. Jane could have a taste of his own medicine from time to time and if you were being honest, you wouldn't even know what to say if you had chosen to speak. Thoughts and feelings were causing chaos in your head.

Firstly, the blonde, charming, kind, and good looking guy you had been attracted to since the day you first met him, loved you. You never considered this possibility, especially because you could never tell your own feelings. It all became so complicated with him that you stopped labeling what you felt years ago.

Was it truly only platonic? No. It hadn't been for a while, but was it love?

Damn Patrick Jane and his talent of making everything so complicated.

Of course you loved him. The only reason why you weren't fully aware of that fact before is because you subconsciously protected yourself from a crush so unreachable.

Or seemingly not so unreachable.

On one hand, you were glad that this was the reason Jane acted the way he did, but on the other, you were mad at him for being so secretive about it when things could've gone differently months ago.

Both of you could've acted on it, but what made you different from him is that you were unaware while he knew from the beginning. Most likely, at least. The decision was in his hands, not yours.

Seeing how involuntarily he just told you about it, you were sure he wouldn't have said anything sooner, not if he didn't need too. This would mean that no matter how bad the mutual pining would've gotten, nothing would've happened.

You should be happy that you finally found somebody who loved you back, but all you felt was hurt.

Jane's reasoning for this didn't matter to you at the moment, all you cared about was how he almost ruined your chance of being happy. Most importantly: being happy with somebody.

If it weren't for the circumstances, you'd be jumping into his arms and smothering him in kisses. Right now though, you decided it was best to keep quiet and see how things play out. You had enough of talking about your feelings and frankly, Jane was the one who should start doing that.

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You were the first to enter the grocery store you found next to the road, not even bothering to hold the door for Jane, who was a few feet behind you. You almost made a run for the corner farthest away from the exit, merely to get some space between the two of you.

While you were walking to the snack aisle, Jane was assumably looking for a melon that fit Lisbon's head. Not that you were following his actions, you couldn't care less at the moment.

After grabbing your favourite bag of chips, you made your way over to the store fridge. As you opened one side, you were met with cool air. Your head fell down towards your chest and you took a deep breath in as you were closing your eyes.

Holding your slumped down position on the open freezer for a minute did wonders for your composure — and keeping it. You didn't feel the need to punch Patrick anymore, but sadly the cold wasn't a cure to any other feeling besides impulsive anger.

Your lungs inflated one last time before you grabbed an Arctic Vibe Celsius and breathed out.

With your goods in your hand, you moved back to the front, brushing past Jane and putting your things down on the cashier counter. The blonde man slowly moved up behind you. He almost looked funny the way he carried the melons, but you'd go against your freshly set up rules if you laughed now.

"You pay together?" the cashier asked you both.

"Separate," you replied without missing a beat. Jane eyed you up and down as you pulled out your wallet to pay for your food and drink.

Let him wonder.

You were a mystery to Jane for about a year. After that, he figured you out and it wasn't fun for you anymore. A return of those times sounded like a great deal in your ears.

The moment your wallet found its way back into your bag, you stepped out of the exit again and headed towards your car. Again, Jane was slower, but you didn't make any movement to wait on him. Instead, you started the engine and impatiently tapped your nails on the console.

When Jane opened the door to the passenger seat, you gave him about three seconds to sit down before you started driving. His door didn't even close when the car moved and the impact threw him against his seat.

"Woah slow down."

"Shut up."

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You'd been back from your little trip for only ten minutes but work didn't wait. The team was getting information on the neighborhood to be as prepared as possible.

"Pretty much the whole neighborhood is in foreclosure. There's hardly anyone there. It's like a ghost town," Grace shared.

While the adults were talking, Jane balanced the different melons in his hands and compared them to Lisbon's head.

"Smart move by Red John," Cho commented. "Tough to set up any kind of surveillance in advance. Any movement's gonna be conspicuous. He must be suspicious."

Jane finally included himself in the conversation when he heard this. "No, he's just cautious."

"He's hooked. He believes," he added.

"How can you be sure?" Rigsby asked what you all wanted to know.

"Because he wants to believe."

Jane just made you picture Red John as Mulder and suddenly all threats seemed harmless. Until you remembered it wasn't about your favourite FBI agent.

"We're doing this thing, so let's just do it. Is everybody clear on the plan? We're gonna move soon," Lisbon inquired and met all sets of eyes currently present.

Collective affirmatives echoed around the hall.

"Hey, you guys, listen, I want to apologize for deceiving you," Jane started.

A scoffed 'whatever' escaped Grace as she rolled her eyes, the same action that you came to copy just a few seconds later.

"And thank you for helping me now," Jane finished.

"We're helping the boss," Cho corrected, keeping a neutral expression.

Rigsby spoke for the team again. "Yeah. She's helping you. We're helping her."

"Be grateful you have her," you added, sarcasm thick in your voice.

Lisbon stopped you in your bickerings before Grace could add something similar. "Guys, cut him some slack."

"Oh. Yay, team," was Jane's comment on that, accompanied with a sloppy fist of unity. He put the now wigged melon into a box and closed the lid on it.

"Okay, everybody get your vests. We're gonna leave shortly," Lisbon instructed you.

You did as you were told and about thirty minutes later, all six of you left the building. You split up: Lisbon, Grace and you took one car, Cho and Rigsby the other, and Jane drove his Citroën alone.

The car ride to Foxglove Parkway was almost silent. The three of you barely talked, whether that was because of the mission or personal problems.

Your seat in the back allowed you to observe the two women in front of you. Both of them were noticeably stressed but you were no different. What made their behavior individual, is that Lisbon seemed to be fully focused on the goal while Grace sometimes looked to be deep in thought.

It could be because of you — hell, you fucking hoped so. When this was over you would definitely need to have a talk with her. Grace was your most trusted friend and her not informing you about what was going on had hurt you more than you wanted to admit.

You decided to put your little grudge to the side for now. There were more important things to do. Besides, you could already spot the place you decided to park your cars while Jane would continue the rest of the route alone.

Speaking of which, he'd taken a different junction about five minutes ago. There wasn't any time for words of encouragement, so you could only hope that nothing bad would happen. Otherwise your last encounter with him would be engraved in your brain forever.

The car came to a stop next to the sidewalk. Lisbon contacted the others who were supposed to be six blocks away from you. "Rigsby, Cho? You guys in position?"

"Yes, boss," Cho replied from the other line.

"Alright. We'll move when Jane gives the go," she ordered before cutting the connection.

For a few minutes, none of your team's voices could be heard, until there was a clear hum from Jane.

"The game begins," he announced.

You moved forward and propped your arms on the back of the driver's and passenger's seat. Grace had set up her laptop to follow Jane's way through the satellite view.

You didn't have to wait long until Jane's voice filled the car again.

"Hey, Libson. Must have been a while since you rode on the handlebars of a man's bike."

Lisbon merely replied with a fake laugh but that didn't stop Jane from continuing. "It's kind of romantic. Wind in your hair."

"You're a sick man," she stated but you could see a tiny smirk on her face.

"5059, 5065, — Uh, there is no 5071." Jane sounded confused as he claimed this. You could hear the gravel scrape as he drove over it, presumably with a bike.

"There's nothing. It's just desert. There's no one here," you could her him say. "Hang on," he added, making you subconsciously move closer towards the speaker and display, as if that would help you see what was going on.

"Long black limousine."

Lisbon immediately stepped into action. "We're moving in. We'll be on the scene in three minutes. Stay healthy 'till then."

"Wait. Let's just be sure," Jane began and paused to look at the arrival in front of him. "Large man with a gun. Red John's girl. This is it."

"Alright, we're moving in," Lisbon notified him and the others before starting the engine and shifting the gear.

The car got about as far as 15 feet when you were cut off by a black Chevrolet Tahoe. The tires of both automobiles screeched, announcing the almost-collision.

A man in dark clothing stepped out of the vehicle while pointing a gun in your direction.

"FBI. Turn off the car and show me your hands," he instructed.

A second man came from the other side, same clothing and a gun in hand too.

"FBI! Nobody move!"

"What the hell?!" you exclaimed, looking just as bewildered as the other women.

"You're making a terrible mistake," Lisbon told them, voice quivering.

"Get out," the first man instructed, already opening the door for her.

"We're in the middle of an operation," she added, voice growing louder. The agent didn't listen, he only pulled her out and roughly turned her around to face the car.

"Hands on the car!"

While Lisbon and Grace got manhandled, you were blessed with the choice of getting out yourself instead of being torn away. Not wanting to get your arm dislocated, you pushed the door open and were about to step out when a hand shot into your direction.

You slapped it away and faced the corresponding man.

"I can move on my own, dickhead."

"Ay! Mind your tongue," he barked, face already growing red.

You rolled your eyes and held up your hands as you stepped on the road.

"Holy cow! You're such a goshdarn uptight son of a gun," you mocked and rolled your eyes at him.

"Shut the hell up! After all, I'm the one with the handcuffs," he hissed, pulling your arms to your back and roughly putting mentioned cuffs around your wrists, accidentally pinching the skin of your right arm.

"Ow! Ever used those outside your bedroom, agent?"

It seemed as though he'd had enough of your insults because when you turned around, he was stepping away from you.

His destination seemed to be his partner, who informed him that Darcy would arrive in about no time.

Darcy, of course it was her. She had been suspicious of Jane, and therefore your whole team even before he left. It definitely fit her to use the first chance she got to take you down.

You never really got along with her, but there wasn't enough material for you to actually dislike her either. You could only hope that she would understand the situation once she got here.

Before you could be graced by her, a different car came into view. It looked identical to the one that just revealed two very impolite FBI agents to your trio.

Your speculation was proven to be true when you saw another two agents exit the car and yank out Cho, then Rigsby. All of them made their way over to where you were being held — even though the men from your team seemed to have a rather dragging pace.

Cho locked his eyes on yours once they got closer. His face was as stoic as usual but his body language showed unease.

One of the FBI agents that brought the second wave pointed to the pavement, motioning for you to sit down.

Rigsby went down first, followed by you. Who knows how long they were going to keep you here? Better rest for a little before they realize they need you to be active in the field. The other three's thought process resembled yours, as they followed your lead a few seconds later.

As promised, the woman who caused all of this appeared just a couple minutes later. She walked in nonchalantly — hands in pockets and sunglasses above her nose.

"Well, well, well."

Once Darcy made her move, Rigsby and Lisbon tried to explain immediately.

"Agent, this is a mistake."

"Agent Darcy, you don't understand. Please listen to me."

"No, I don't understand," Darcy agreed. "You're supposed to be dead, as are you. This is very strange."

Lisbon tried again. "Susan, I am begging you. Please listen to what I'm saying. Our fake deaths were a ruse to trap Red John, and it worked. Jane is with him right now, and his life is in grave danger. He's at 5071 Keston Drive."

Something seemed to shift in the woman in front of you. She pulled her hands out of her pockets to cross her arms over her chest. Skepticism was written all over her face, but she was clearly considering this option.

For a few moments, all you could hear was the hammering of your heart as it threatened to jump out of your chest. If she didn't believe Lisbon's explanation, you'd never hear from Jane again.

Finally, she nodded towards her agents. "Let them go. Get back to the cars and drive to the address. Be prepared to shoot."

Darcy turned back to face you five. "You'll follow behind in your own car. We're in charge here, but your support could be valuable."

"Thank you," Lisbon breathed, visibly exhaling and relaxing slightly.

You could feel the handcuffs being loosened and pulled away from you. The others got rid of theirs too and rubbed their wrists.

"We'll split up just like before. He won't escape this time," Lisbon remarked.

Her, Grace and you sprinted over to the car you got pulled out of just minutes ago. The moment the doors snapped shut, Lisbon was racing off. She was following the Tahoe in front of her, not checking signs or maps to see if they were on the right path.

"We should need about two minutes," Grace let you know while pulling out her laptop from under the seat. She opened it up to find the satellite map you were looking at when you were following Jane's movement.

"Let's just hope he has that long," you muttered. The gratitude from earlier vanished and was replaced by a feeling of dread. While you were only getting to his last known location, Jane could be kidnapped or even dead.

The car went silent after that. It was only when the sirens got turned on that something disrupted this quietness. The cars that they belonged to were too far away to see but it sounded like it was close by. When you turned a corner, you could spot the two chasers behind the limousine previously described by Jane.

It passed the sidewalk you had sat on before and was shot multiple times by Darcy, who had cut off its way. None of the bullets hit, until that changed and the limousine drove into gravel.

You couldn't see what happened, you only heard the shots and the abrupt stop the car made because you were too far away still.

What you did see was Jane, lying in the same gravel, resting on a pile of dirt, arm on top of his chest, but presumably not because of a wound. He looked uninjured, thank God.

Before Lisbon even had the chance to slam on the brakes of the car, you jumped out of it and quickly made your way over to Jane.

Not caring about your clothes anymore whatsoever, you decided to sit down next to him in the dirt, already checking him out for injuries you might've missed because of the distance.

Your eyes couldn't find any but you still needed him to confirm. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Never better."

His heavy breathing suggested the opposite but it was obvious he didn't want to talk about it. Instead, Jane slowly reached up to your arm and closed his hand around yours.

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You had been back at the CBI headquarters for an hour. Jane had gotten back with his car while Lorelei was escorted by the FBI. The drive had seemed to be endless, which is why you were grateful for the opportunity to change your clothes before going back to the building. This was due to the fact that both parties — FBI and CBI — were negotiating over who would keep Lorelei.

You had walked back in feeling freshened up, but still exhausted. An overwhelming number of things had happened in a single day, so all you wished to do was get back home and sleep for as long as you could, but there was still a matter of an interrogation. Or at least, you expected it to be, judging by the heated conversation at the end of the floor.

Lisbon and Jane were talking to Bertram, Darcy, and some other people whose names you weren't aware of. You could tell by the urgency in their gestures that this was about Lorelei Martens. Both bureaus were keen on keeping the woman in their surveillance.

The moment you saw Lisbon shake Bertram's hand and move her mouth in a 'thank you' motion, it was clear who won this fight.

The fact that the CBI would hold Lorelei for now spread like fire — almost all of the building knew about it within the first five minutes. This meant that Jane would try his best to get information out of her. Lorelei was the closest he's ever been to finding out who Red John actually was.

Grace, Cho, Rigsby and you were all watching Lisbon and Jane as they came over to your desks. Lisbon stopped in the middle of the room to address you all equally.

"They're going to bring Lorelei up. Jane and I will talk to her, see if she gives something away," Lisbon informed you, before going over to debrief you about today's events. "You all did amazing today. Thank you."

"I agree. I wouldn't be here without you, so thank you," Jane added earnestly.

You nodded towards both of them, then stared down at your fiddling fingers.

"You can go home. Take the next day off if you want or come in later. Just try to rest a little," Lisbon offered, establishing eye contact with all of you.

Rigsby took that as his cue, grabbing his jacket and waving goodbye to the rest of you. "Good night, boss. See you tomorrow," he said, looking at you all for the last part.

"Good night, guys," Lisbon said, giving a tight-lipped smile before turning her back and leaving with Jane.

A few minutes passed and none of your colleagues made a move to follow Rigsby. While you were in no position to judge — seeing how you were practically glued to your seat — you still wondered what their reason was.

"You guys staying?" you asked them.

"Yeah. Wanna catch up with some paperwork so I don't have to do it tomorrow," Grace replied and sent a little smile in your direction. You returned one of your own. You could be mad at her when you actually had time to talk about it too.

"Same. I have nothing to come for tomorrow if they're out of the way," Cho explained.

"And you're staying because...?" Grace pushed, tilting her head a little to show her genuine interest.

"Actually I don't think I am." You stood up and brushed over your top. "Does anybody want something to drink? I'll make myself a tea before I'll leave."

"I'm good, thanks," Grace answered. You looked over at Cho. "No, thanks."

Making your way over to the kitchenette, you mentally selected the kind of tea that fit best right now. Herbal tea always did wonders for you after stressful events, so the choice was made. You filled the kettle and flipped the switch for it to start heating up. Your favourite cup, a big vermillion colored one, met your gaze when you opened the cupboard. You grabbed it and put a teabag of the herbal blend you found in. When the water was ready, you poured it over it and looked at the time to mark when it reached your desired temperature.

While you waited, you mindlessly walked through the building, trying to pass time. Toilets, roof and floor were all being explored by you as if you were seeing them for the first time. When you noticed there was only two minutes left of your mental timer, you made your way back and passed a room while doing so.

The blinds were drawn but not turned at an angle that would rule out peeking through. So logically, you stepped closer and took a look inside.

A bright t-shirt caught your attention first. It belonged to Lorelei Martens who was talking to Lisbon.

While the door was closed, the room wasn't exactly soundproof and therefore allowed you to follow the conversation if you stood close enough.

"... chance to talk to someone who knows Red John so well," you could hear Lisbon say. You seemed to have missed the beginning of the interrogation but clearly they haven't moved far yet.

"Good to meet you, too," Lorelei replied, voice so sugary sweet it almost made you nauseous. "Heard so much about you." She paused for a moment.

"We were lovers, him and me."

That wasn't something you expected to hear, but it made sense. If you were this close to Red John, you might as well hit him up or something.

"Did he tell you that?" Lorelei wanted to know. Lisbon appeared a little dumbfounded, just like you. How would Red John have told her? The only one who ever spoke to him was Jane.

"No? Why not, lover?" Lorelei asked, looking at the dark corner you hadn't inspected until now. She wasn't talking to ghosts, she spoke directly to Jane.

No. Fucking. Way.

"Are you ashamed of me? Did we do something bad?" she pushed, acting innocently and as though she was confused.

The only reason why you were still eavesdropping at this point was because you hoped that Jane would deny her statements. You needed him to do so, ideally without lying.

What you got instead was Jane ignoring what she had said, which basically confirmed it.

"I know it's hard to believe now, but you're gonna talk to us. You're gonna break down, and you're gonna tell us everything you know about Red John. You're gonna sing like a bird."

Jane moved closer while speaking and ended up directly behind her, his hands resting on her shoulders.

"No, lover. I won't."

You were sure that Lorelei wasn't aware of you, but it still felt like she was taunting you by calling Jane that. Hearing her — an accomplice of Red John — refer to Jane, who confessed his love to you merely hours before, as lover, felt like a dagger in your heart.

"Yes, you will," Jane countered, moving down to kiss the crown of her head, making you turn on your heel and leaving the spot instantly.

You were back at your desk in no time, gathering your things in a hurry and leaving without saying goodbye. The only way you would make it out of here without a breakdown was by blocking out thoughts and feelings, and rushing out as fast as you could.

Grace and Cho watched you almost sprint away and shot each other weird looks, but you didn't care enough to notice. What you also didn't notice was Jane, who merely saw a few strands of your hair before the elevator closed behind you.

He immediately went to Grace and Cho to ask about your abrupt departure, only to receive shrugs as answer. It dawned on him that you likely listened to the conversation with Lorelei.

He decided he'd have to do something, immediately.

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Going to your small apartment was never an option. It felt empty and oppressive, as if the walls were closing in on you. You needed space. Being outside was the only thing that spoke to you, which is why you found yourself on the Fair Oaks Bridge about half an hour after leaving the bureau.

You often visited the Fair Oaks in times like these. The community in Sacramento County offered nature, support, and most importantly freedom — even if that only lasted for one night. Whenever you came here, some kind of event had happened, whether that was social problems, doubt in yourself or a general sense of negativity.

If you needed to drown your thoughts with drinks, you went to a bar.

If you needed to munch on something to forget about your sorrows, you visited a café or diner.

If you needed to think and be alone with yourself, you went up to the bridge.

You had propped your arms on the railing, hands clasped together and hovering in the air. It was just an hour before midnight, which made itself known through a dark sky and the cold wind that mussed up your hair.

All you did since coming here was thinking about Patrick Jane. Jane this, Jane that — everything Jane. Curse him for occupying such a high amount of your thoughts.

In fact, you had started this self destroying mechanism right when you got in the car. On top of that, it wasn't only thinking, no, you had been crying like a baby, unable to shut up for nearly the whole drive. While the events of the whole day had fueled your tears, the main reason for them was one man. A man you loved and trusted. A man who told you he loved you, and whose words you believed — until you witnessed a conversation that revealed him to be a lover to a criminal.

Your opinion on him had shifted, but you couldn't figure out where. He'd left you for six months, came back, excluded you, explained that the reason for this was his love to you and then almost caressed this woman who he had fucked just days ago. A small part of you clung onto the hope that his confession was real, that he actually loved you and that he only wanted to protect you, but it seemed stupid to even consider this option.

What you could certainly and confidently say was that you felt betrayed. This betrayal didn't seem to erase the feelings you had for him, but it for sure made you try to get rid of them. How could you love a man that only uses people, including you?

Your spiraling was interrupted by the sound of footsteps. It wasn't unusual for people to cross the bridge, or even linger on it like you were doing now, but you still hoped that they would pass soon. You needed to dwell on your loneliness.

"I thought I might find you here," the person behind you said. Clearly it wasn't a stranger like you had assumed, rather the person you wanted to see the least at this moment.

You ignored Jane and kept on staring down at the calm water. You prayed that he would take on the clue and leave, but he didn't. Instead, he moved closer, stopped at your right side and copied the position you found yourself in.

"Go away, Jane," you mumbled, still not gracing him with eye contact.

"I won't."

"Figures," you sighed.

Jane straightened up and turned towards you. "We need to talk."

"We don't need to talk. If you feel the need to, I can't stop you, but I'm not going to waste anymore words tonight."

"I want to apologize."

You chuckled dryly.

"For everything," he added and looked down at his shoes. "You listened to the conversation with Lorelei, didn't you?"

A small nod.

"It wasn't anything like that, I promise you."

"Oh really?" you hissed, turning towards him. "Because to me it sounded like you had a lot of fun with your lover."

"She wasn't my lover. And I wasn't hers."

"Did you sleep with her?"

"Yes, but-"

"Jane, what is your definition of that word? If you slept with her, you were her lover, just like she said. Why are you denying it?"

"Because it wasn't like that."

"Now you're repeating yourself."

"But I mean it. I met Lorelei at a bar. She approached me, we talked, and then ended up at a hostel. I knew she was sent by Red John. She did it for him. If we spent the night together, I could gain her trust and therefore that of Red John. She brought me closer to him, which was the plan all along. It didn't mean anything besides that."

Jane's eyes didn't leave yours as he explained. He needed to show you that this was the truth.

When he was done, it was silent again. His words made sense. You knew his life goal was to catch the serial killer that slaughtered his family, so going after him even through unconventional ways was something Jane would do. You didn't want to admit it, but you understood.

"Fuck," you breathed, stretching out the vowel. You crossed your arms over your chest as if to protect yourself. You were fully facing each other now, pairs of eyes boring into one another.

"Jane, I don't even know what to say," you whispered and wiped your eyes with your sleeve. You didn't start crying yet, you just wanted to scratch the itch in order to prevent it.

"I feel like a toy to you. You only keep yourself occupied with me when you feel like it and then put me back in a box when you're done. I don't know when you lie and I don't even know when you want to be around me. As we now know, you can easily go without me. How does all this match with a love confession? You're either a complicated mystery or a chronic liar. Tell me which one it is."

Your demand was left ignored, as was your trembling voice, which you were grateful for.

"I'm sorry for making you feel that way. I truly am. I lie for convenience sometimes, and I feel terrible whenever you're the one that gets hit by those lies, but I didn't lie today."

Jane stepped closer and put his hands on your shoulder, just like he did with Lorelei. The only difference was that he stood in front of you and gave you a look of sincere regret.

"I meant what I said," he stated, squeezing your shoulders one time, but your previously dropped gaze didn't move up.

"Please," he whispered, voice breaking. "I love you."

Your head nearly jerked up at this. You knew what he had been referring to but you didn't expect him to repeat it. He never really expressed his feelings, but today he did it twice — once because you pushed, once because he needed you to know.

The moment your gaze met his, you saw how wet his eyes were. That would make two of you.

Your lips began to quiver and you could feel your throat starting to hurt. A single tear made its way down your cheek but it was soon followed by what felt like a waterfall.

Your left hand met his cheek and you pulled him closer. For a moment, you simply stood there, only a few centimeters apart yet so far away at the same time. You didn't need words to communicate when your eyes were fit for the job. Your breaths mingled in the cold air, creating a visual display of unity.

You pulled your other hand to his neck, pushing him further towards you and connecting your foreheads. You were leaning on one another, a perfect picture of your dependency.

Jane's hands slowly traveled from your shoulders to your face, only stopping when they reached the soft flesh of your cheeks. He looked like he was gathering his words, ready to say something, but you beat him to it.

"Stop being so hard to read," you pleaded and finally closed the distance between the two of you.

Your lips collided with his in a desperate kiss. Months of tension released itself in it and charged it even more. You felt Jane's palms shift upwards, holding your face like it was something precious. His cologne invaded your nostrils: a woody and spicy scent that fit him perfectly. His lips felt amazing against yours, moving perfectly and allowing you to set the pace. You could taste the remnants of the same herbal tea you had back at the building.

The natural silence of your surroundings was only interrupted by the noise your bodies and clothes made. You could hear the sound of the cotton that decorated your skin when the back of Jane's hand brushed against it.

While you managed to keep some space between your bodies, your faces told a different story. Just like before, your foreheads where pressed together, but now your mouths seemed to be melting into one another. What added to this was the way you both clung to each other, hands gripping and nails digging. It felt as though you would loose the feeling and sense of the other if you let go. The only thing you could do was hold each other with all your strength, force and support.

You were aware of how hard you pushed Jane's cheeks but you didn't care, and neither did he. The kiss only intensified at your squeezing and clutching.

Jane must be tasting salt, judging by the amount of tears you had shed, but salt can be addictive and it seemed to be doing just that, because Jane kept kissing your swelling lips.

You felt yourself whimper against him and physically sink into his warm chest. Your lips tore away from his so that you could let your head fall onto his shoulder. Your arms followed close behind and encircled his throat. An exhausted huff escaped your mouth and you closed your eyes.

Jane hugged you back and pulled you closer into him. While his left hand rested against your hip, his right came up to gently brush through your hair. He pressed a kiss on your scalp and carefully rested his head on yours.

"Jane?" you called, voice muffled by his suit jacket.

"Yeah?"

"I love you too."

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