#parent!dan

“You don’t understand Adelaide, that kid won’t have a normal life, not living with them! She needs a safe, normal house, with a mom and a dad, and all the support she might need. He can’t provide her that. He wants to put her into a small prision-like apartment, with two men that act like teenagers, in the middle of the craziest, loudest, city in the country, to live in their bachelor lifestyle. Or even worse, if they are not telling us something.”

“And there you go again, with this homophobic crap. They are not dating Peter, they are not a couple, and even if they were its none of your business. They might be bissexual and live together but that doesn’t make them a couple. And if they were, that would be even better for Lizzie. She loves Phil, he is great with her, he has been a second father for her during her whole life, don’t you think that she sees him as father too? Phil has been there for her since day one, just like Dan. Elizabeth never had only a mother and a father, she always had a mother and two fathers. You know that she will be happier with them, than here. I know that you’ve never accepted Daniel’s sexuality, and you keep telling yourself that is just a phase and that he is not serious about it, but you have to start accepting that your son is bi. And, as shocking this might sound for you, that doesn’t change the fact that he is a great, loving, worried father, that will move mountains and oceans for his daughter.”

“I won’t let my granddaughter grow up thinking that its normal to have two fathers. She needs to know that the socially accepted family is formed by a mother, a father, and the kids. Not this freak modern “families” that the world tries to push down on our guts. Daniel is an adult and he can do whatever he wants with his life, but he is not going to take Elizabeth down on this road. She needs a mother and a father to grow up with.” I look at Phil and he is staring at me. I can feel his heartbeat in our hands attached together, his heart it’s beating fast and strong. Phil is stressed. I try to calm him down but rubbing his hand, while I get out of the bed trying not to wake Lizzie up. I tell him to stay there and I move towards my mom’s room. I feel the blood pumping into my head, and I see red with anger.

“Thats the thing father, she doesn’t have a mom anymore. She will never have this perfect “normal” home that you keep coming back to in your speech. Phil and I are all that she gets from now on, so I’m sorry to say, but that will have to be enough.” I say pushing myself trough their door, taking a deep breath before talking again. “While you are in the subject, I hope you understand that I don’t expect you to accept or respect me and my sexuality, even though you should, but I do expect you to respect Phil. Phil and I have been friends for almost seven years now, we have been trough a lot of things together, Clary’s pregnancy and Lizzie’s life included, and we did get closer than friends during this time, but this isn’t your business, and you shouldn’t worry about it. And while I’m already used to be the shame in your life, I’m getting tired of all this bullshit you keep saying in my back since I was brave enough to tell you about my sexuality almost four years ago.” I take another deep breath before turning to my mother. “I’m sorry you have do deal with his bullshit because of me. Thank you for everything, but I think we will be moving back to London today, you should go say bye to Lizzie.” I tell her, giving her a hug, before turning back to my dad, and she leaves the room.

“You don’t get to make this decision. You…” I cut his words before he gets deeper in his shit.

“I do get to make this decision. I do get to move MY child to MY house, that I pay with MY money, from MY job, and YOU don’t have a word on it. You don’t get to make any decisions in my life. As you said, I am an adult and I can do whatever I wanna do with my life. Lizzie is the biggest part of my life, so thats settled. Goodbye Father.” I say leaving the room, without giving him time to scream at me again. I move back to my room and I find Phil packing some of our stuffs, while my mom talked to a sleepy Lizzie on the bad. I’m glad Phil knows me this well. “Don’t worry about my stuff, I have enough back home. Just call the car, I’ll grab Lizzie’s bags and we can go home.” I tell him, that stopped doing his packing to look at me.

“Dan you don’t have to go right now, I’ll talk to your dad, you know that he didn’t mean half of those things he said.”

“Mom, I don’t wanna fight you too. I love you for defending me and Phil and for believing in us, but both of us know that he meant every single word he said. He has been saying those type of things for years, and I don’t expect him to change soon. At the same time, I don’t have to be here to hear it all. He can say all the shit he wants, as soon as I leave his roof.” I put my hand in her shoulder to show that I am okay. “Take Lizzie to say bye to everyone, we are leaving in 15 minutes.” I tell her, before moving back to Phil and help packing.  My mom leaves the room with Lizzie in her arms, Phil moves towards me and hugs me. I hug him back as strong as I can. I needed that.

“You will be okay. I promise you. I’m here for you, I won’t let got. We will do this together.” He says. We stay like that for a few moments, and then we are back on packing. In less than 12 minutes we are all packed, bags in the car, Lizzie in her car seat, and we are moving back home.

Phil sleeps trough the whole drive home, trying to get over his car sickness. I take the time to talk to Lizzie tring to explain to her about how she was going to move schools and she might stay home for a while, and she looks confused. I decide to talk about it with her later, so I spend the rest of the way reading a little bit more of Harry Potter to her until we get home. Our house is freezing. I take Lizzie to my room and leave her bags there, Phil is turning the heater on, so I work on the fireplace, until we get a cozy lounge to lay in. Its only 9pm, but it feels like 10 days has passed since the funeral. I’m tired, emotionally drained, a crusty dry sponge in need of moisture, so when I fall asleep in the middle of Big Hero 6 with Lizzie all over me, it’s not a big surprise.

“You really should go to bed.” Says Phil, taking an sleeping Lizzie from my arms, waking me up. “I just made your bed for you and Lizzie.”

“You didn’t have to.” I answer, trying to get up. “You could have just waken me up.” “Thats alright. I was recording a video, I finished earlier than I thought, so I had time.”

“I really need to work on a video.”

“You don’t have to, if you don’t want to. But yeah, the fans are worried already.”

“They are always worried or wondering about our lives.” I comment, as he puts Lizzie down on the bed. “You’re not sleeping here tonight?” I ask when I see that he made a little fort with pillows around one of Lizzie’s side.

“I’ll edit for the biggest part of the night, and I don’t think I’ll be a good company today, to be honest. But if you need me, you can always find me across the corridor. You know I wont kick you out of the bed if you try to join me.” He gives me a little smile before going out of the room. I worry about the way that Phil is acting, but  I don’t judge, we’ve had a pretty bad day and all I want to do is pass out and stop worrying about life. I take a little bit of time choosing my clothes, and I make sure Lizzie is safe before heading down stairs for a shower. I take my time, trying to wash off all the bad things of the past few weeks, and the funeral earlier today, off my body. I work on relaxing before heading to bed to sleep it off and renewing my energies. I put my Pooh onesie and I fall asleep before even opening Tumblr on my phone.

The next day isn’t easier or harder. Mom calls to ask how we are and talk to Lizzie. My baby girl is acting fine, she is sad but that doesn’t stop her from playing with me and Phil the whole day. Phil cooks for us, and I clean the mess, we talk and watch cartoons, Lizzie sleeps and Phil goes back to his room. He is distant and weird, but I assume it’s just because of Clary. I’m sad, distant, and weird too, so that’s not a big deal right now. The week passes without much happening. The fans were going crazy, so I post a video about memes, joking about my life when I think that there is nothing else to laugh about on it. I make a live show when Phil takes Lizzie outside in our little back garden, to play around. Louise calls and ask about everything, I try to explain it to her, but it hurts too much. We talk about schools and she promises me that she will help me find the best option for Lizzie. We decide that she will only be going back to school when the new school year starts. I try to be strong and responsible, but I feel weak and alone. Phil hasn’t really been there. Its really late when I decide to confront him about that.

“You promised me. I never thought that you would break that promise.” I say, when we are both watching an episode of Free! on the TV.

“What are you on about?”

“You promised that you would be here for me, no matter what, and you haven’t. You have been distant. You don’t sleep in my bed anymore, you don’t wait us to eat breakfast even though you’ve cooked it, you don’t make funny jokes and comments during our animes nights. I don’t understand. I thought you would take care of me, in the moment I need you the most, but all you do is make me feel alone when we are together. I’m hurting and it doesn’t feel like you care.” I say focusing on the floor in front of me. I don’t wanna look at him.

“Have you ever stopped to think that I am hurting too? That I need space and that’s why I’m keeping a little bit of distance right now? Have you stopped to think about the fact that your bed here is really small compared to the one in Reading, and it doesn’t fit both of us with Lizzie on it? I need to feel good in order to help you get better Dan, but I need to have space to put my thoughts in order so I can get better myself, I won’t be able to think right when the three of us are smashed together in your bed. And don’t you dare saying that I haven’t been here for you. I make sure you are eating, that you took a shower, that you work, that your daughter is fed, that she showered, that she is laughing and having as much fun as possible, while you look like a robot zombie walking around the flat without seeing the day light for over a week. I love you Dan and I’m trying my best to help you, but I’m feeling lost and lonely too. The grief is here for both of us, not only you, I’m just trying to get over it by myself, so you don’t have to feel both of our pain, as I have been feeling since day 1.”

“You don’t have to pass trough it alone. I thought we were going to do it together. You’ve offered to help me out and be here for me, I didn’t think you needed me to offer it back to you, I thought it was obvious. None of us have to pass trough it alone, that’s why we are here back home, so we can have each other. That is why I told Louise to tell PJ and everyone else about it, so if we need someone else, we have our friends to reach. The way you have been doing it, it doesn’t work. You are making me sad, you are suffering, none of us is really living right now. I miss my friend Phil.”

“It’s time to realize that none of us is going to be the same as we were before.” He says, looking in my eyes for the first time since the beginning of our conversation.

“That doesn’t mean that we have to be worse than before. We can be better, right?”

“Yes, we can be better. But thats the point, we need time to get better. You can’t come in here asking for an explanation when I’ve been doing my best since the beginning. I just needed a break so we can move on. I just hope you understand that.” He says, holding my face so I couldn’t move my eyes from his. I know then that I’m wrong on being mad at him, when we are in fact in this together, just dealing with things differently. I feel bad for asking of him more than I should.

“I do. I just missed you.” I say trying to move closer to him, in a way to say sorry. We are hugging each other on the couch.

“I was here all along.” He made sure to assure me while moving his arms around my torso. “Come on, lets go to bed. I’ll go make a pillow fort around the other side of Lizzie and you sleep with me today, I think we could use that.”

“I think we could. I’ll brush my teeth and I’ll meet you in your room then.” I say, getting out of our hug. Before leaving the room I turn back to Phil to say one more thing. “I’m sorry I judged your friendship skills.”

“Thats alright, I’d be judging yours too.” He smiled, leaving the room. I moved to the bathroom to brush my teeth and prepare for bed. I made sure to check on Lizzie and giving her one more blanket before crossing the hallway to enter Phil’s room. The door is open and he is sat on the bed reading one of his Stephen King’s books.

  “Haven’t you finished that last year?” I ask, making conversation while getting under his blankets.

“Yep, but I’m reading it again, there are still a few parts that I can’t quite understand, this is just too much for my brain to assimilate in one reading.” He has his glasses on, and seems really focused in his book, so I try to be quiet. I’m moving around trying to get comfortable, but I just can’t. Phil notices it. “Something wrong?”

“I don’t know, I can’t get comfortable. It feels weird not having Lizzie cuddling up to me.” I say, sitting on the bed.

“Do you wanna go back to your room?” He asks, putting the book aside, turining the bed side light off, and slipping under the sheets.

“Not really. She kicks a lot.” I lay down again, turning my body to face him.

“Do you want me to cuddle up to you? I’m a little bit bigger than Lizzie, but that might make you more comfortable.” He offers, turning his head to look at my face. I agree with my head.

“Yeah, I think that would help.”

“Come closer then.” He says, passing an arm around my waist and pulling me closer to his body. I feel him cuddling up to me, his head under my chin, and I automatically feel warmer, a little bit happier. His body is molding around mine, and I pass my arms around him, to keep him in place. It feels normal, it feels good. “If I call you daddy, would that make you happier?” He jokes, I can hear his smile in his voice.

“Calling me daddy might lead both of us to a happy end, if you know what I mean.” I joke back, trying to hide the blush in my face that came with that thought.

“You and I both know that I would be daddy, and you would be the crying baby.” He strikes back, making me laugh.

“Thats really funny Phil. You might be older, but we both know that I’m the daddy here. I’ve never been the one to beg and cry for milk.” I wink, and then realize that he can’t see that I’m winking. “I’m winking, by the way.” He laughs.

“Thanks, good to know that you are winking, that means that you are still awake.” He tries to move the direction of the conversation that he started, we were getting too far, with the lower inhibitions caused by the need of sleep. “We really should sleep though. Lizzie passed out early today, we are going to be up before we can fall into our third dream.” His voice is starting to sound distant and my brain isn’t really functional right now. His bed is comfy, warm, and his body against mine makes me feel like I’m in a personal safe bubble, so I can’t really control what I’m think or saying in this moment.

“I don’t need a third dream, I have you.” And that’s the last thing I say before falling asleep.

“Its okay son. You are going to be okay.” He said patting my back.

In the back of my mind I had a little voice saying ‘You have to stop crying, you have to be strong, you can’t feel this now, you are an adult with a kid and you have to put yourself back together’, but that voice was lost in the middle of pain and grief. For the first time in four years, I felt like a kid again. A teenager lost in a sea of nightmares. Someone who lost all the hopes and dreams. I felt darkness surrounding me, and I didn’t feel like I was strong enough to fight against it.

“I’ll take you home Dan. You need to rest, I’ll give you something to sleep and you will be better by the morning. Lets go home son.” I heard my dad saying, but I couldn’t find my voice to answer him. Home. Phil. Lizzie. Lizzie couldn’t see me like that. I can’t see my daughter, not now, not in this state. Oh my little Lizzie. So young, so sweet, so pure, she doesn’t deserve this, she doesn’t deserve all this pain, all this darkness. I can’t go home.

“I can’t go home.” I struggle to say, still holding my dad as hard as possible, pressing my head against his shoulder, that is already wet with my tears. “Lizzie is there. I can’t face her right now, I am not strong enough. I don’t want to be strong enough, not tonight.” The words sound harsh, but I couldn’t deal with pretending to be okay. I wanted to hug Lizzie and never let her go, but not now, I need to put myself together before breaking her heart. “I have to be the one to explain it to her, but I can’t do it tonight. Please dad, I can’t go home.” I sound like a kid who is afraid of facing reality. Right now I am that kid. I want Clary, I want my friend back, the mother of my daughter. I want to see her smile, smell her shampoo, hear her laugh. Just like that I feel like a light was switched on in the back of my brain. “Take me to Clary’s.”

“Dan, you shouldn’t stay there alone. I can’t stay there with you, I have to stay here with Riley, there are so many things to be done, things that I don’t want you to worry about, things you don’t need to think about right now, but I can’t stay there and you shouldn’t be alone. Let me take you home, Lizzie is probably asleep already, I can ask your mother to put her in our room so you can have your privacy for tonight. You shouldn’t be alone.” He said, pushing me away from his body and trying to clean the tears on my face.

“I need Clary. I need to feel closer to her. Please dad, take me to her place. I need to be alone, please.” I beg, rising my head to look in his face, he agrees, placing his arms around my shoulders and walking us to an exit door. The car drive to Clary’s is short, I see the streets flashing trough my eyes but my brain is far. My brain keeps focusing in the darkness that I can feel growing inside of me, like a grief monster, telling me I won’t ever be strong again, that I won’t ever feel alive again. I say goodbye to my dad leaving the car, as soon as we reach the house. I’ve been here just a couple of days ago, but it doesn’t feel the same. I take my shoes and jacket off. I don’t feel like turning on the lights, and I move around only guided by the light of the moon coming trough the windows. I sit down on the couch and let everything sink in.

The floor feels colder, the walls feel closer, the silence is like a blade trough my ears. Everything seems different but at the same time, familiar. I can see the pictures around the house. So many smiles, so many great memories. Things the won’t be kept in Lizzie’s little brain, things that with time will fade and she will only remember trough pictures. So many lost memories, so much darkness. I decide to drink a cup of water with a little bit of sugar, so I can try to calm down. I need to put my thoughts in order in my brain, but I can’t find strength for it, I can’t find determination enough to move my legs to the kitchen.

I feel weak, incapable, unable, inferior. I feel like a coward. I can’t even face my own daughter. I don’t deserve to be a father if I can’t put my daughter’s needs before mine. She needs me tonight, and I’m here, hiding from her. I hate myself. I hate myself even more when I realize that I really won’t be able to do it. I am a disappointment to my family, to my daughter, to Clarisse. I feel angry. Angry at myself, angry about life, angry about death, angry about destiny, angry about the future. I feel so angry that I am alive when Clary can’t be. I’m so angry that I will be able to see my girl grow up, fall in love, get married, have children, when her mom can’t. It was supposed to be me. Lizzie can grow up without me, she have been doing that for her whole life. How can I tell Lizzie that this is it? Her mom won’t ever come back. Her mother won’t hug her again, won’t kiss her again. This isn’t fair.

I reach for a picture that is in the table by the couch, one with Clary in the Manchester Eye. She was 7 months pregnant and decided that we should walk around a bit, so she could feel some sun light in her skin, supposedly that was good for the baby. It didn’t work pretty well because it was Manchester, not even 20 minutes after we left the house the rain was pouring down on us. She was so sad that the sun had left, that I decided we needed ice cream and a ride on the Manchester Eye, her favorite place in the city. She was wet but smiling. She looks great, just laughing with an ice cream in her hand and the view behind her. It was such a great day. Why did she have to leave us? Leave me? Why couldn’t she be strong enough? Why did I have to be strong enough when she wasn’t? I hate her.

A wave of anger flows trough my body and I trow the picture frame on the other side of the room. Glass splashes everywhere while I can feel the tears coming back to my eyes. In seconds I’m sobbing again, sat in the couch. I get up and reach for the next picture, Clary, Lizzie and Riley on Clary’s graduation. This one breaks by the entrance door. I feel angrier. I don’t know why I am breaking things, but I feel better doing it. I toss some more pictures around. I break her favorite ceramic elephant, the one that I bought for her in India. I grab a flower vase with dead flowers on it. Dead flowers. No more life on it. Like Clary. This one I don’t have strength enough to look where it goes. I can feel water around me feet though, so it can’t be far. I’m tired. I don’t wanna fight. I don’t wanna feel. I know I am on the floor because I feel water soaking my legs, I put my hand by my side and I feel more pain, but I don’t know where it comes from. I feel the silence, the darkness, and then I don’t feel anything else. I’m completely numb.

“DAN!” I hear a faint scream, I don’t know where it comes from. I feel hands touching me and I try to figure out what is happening. I feel someone shaking me, I know that someone is trying to wake me up from darkness, but I can’t find enough remaining energy in my body to open my eyes to see who it is. And then I feel it, his embrace. It reminds me of home, it gives me strength, it gives me light. Phil. The sun ray in a rainy day. I reach for his back, trying to push myself in his embrace, trying to keep me from falling into the abyss again. Phil is here. I’ll be okay. I can’t open my eyes, not yet, but I have my face pressed against his neck, my head resting in his shoulders. I’m okay. I’m strong enough. I am going to be okay. I can do this. “Oh God you are hurt. We need to clean this.” He says, reaching for my left hand. I could feel the pain now. I could feel all the pain. The emotional one and the physical one. I have a cut in my hand. I can feel the blood dripping from it. “Hey Dan, talk to me. Can you feel your hand? Can you feel your arm? Please tell me you can move your arm.” He begs, and just like that he can make me laugh. Its more like a heavy breath mixed with a sob, but its enough for now. It takes my head out of everything else.

“Or course I can move my arm, you spoon. I’m hugging you, aren’t I?” I say, in a husky scratchy voice.

“Oh thank God, you are okay.“ He breathes deeply. “Come on, can you get up? We need to clean your hand. Dan, if you keep pressing it against my back it will hurt more, come one, get up.” He says, trying to push out from our embrace. “Come on Dan, you are destroying my favorite jumper with your blood.” He jokes before I release him from my arms. “Good. Can you walk? Do I need to carry you? Can you feel your legs?”

“I can feel my legs.” I agree, getting up from the floor, and then I fail, falling back to it. “Or maybe not.”

“Its okay, I’ll help you.” He says, putting his arm behind my back and helping me get up from the mess in the floor. We move to the kitchen and I sit on the breakfast stool. Phil walks around until finding a towel and a bowl, that he fills with water. He sits on the other stool and starts cleaning my arm. I can feel the cut, it is only in my hand and it hurts pretty bad, but my arm is all bloody, so he starts with that. Once he finishes cleaning the arm, he analyzes my hand. It is bad. “It’s not that bad.” He answers to my thought, making me realize I just said that out loud. “It is a pretty deep cut, but I’ve had worse, you will be okay.” He smiles, but not enough for his tongue to stick out, like it does when he is really happy. No one is happy today. There are only fake smiles and half laughs.

“She is dead.” I say. It is hard to say it, but I have to. I have to tell my best friend that our best friend is gone. Phil stops his work in my hand for a second, I know he is trying to process it, he is frozen. I feel a tear falling in my hand and then he hugs me again.

“I know. Your dad told me. I’m so sorry Dan, I really am. I love her too, I know it hurts.” He says, pulling me into his chest. And then he proves once again to me the reason why he is my best friend. “Its okay to feel sad. It is okay to feel angry, and hurt, and lost, and weak. It’s okay not being strong all the time, you can cry, you can scream, you can punch the walls and mirrors if you want. You don’t have to be pretend with me.” And I break again, sobbing, Phil knows me so well. I don’t know when he finishes with my hand, or where he got the bandage he used to make pressure on it, but I know he is moving me around the house. I’m still crying, I’m in pain, I don’t feel like walking, but he is pushing me somewhere. He sats me on the seat cover of the toilet. “You need a shower, I brought you clothes. Do you need help or you think you will be okay? I don’t want to leave you, but I don’t know if you need help because of your hand.” He says, getting a little blushed.

“I’ll be okay. Can you bring me my clothes? I won’t lock the door so you feel better, just in case something happens.” I say, trying to think straight. I can sink down in the pain again later. Phil agrees with me, leaving the room so he can get my things. I take my shirt off, and I can see the blood on it, its fully ruined. I take my jeans off before Phil coming back, but I wait for him to leave the bathroom and close the door before taking of my boxers. I take a quick shower, trying not to wet my bandage, and I put my clean PJs on. When I leave the bathroom I find Phil sat on the floor, outside of it. He has his legs pushed up and his head resting in his knees. He is rocking his body and his hands are moving up and down in his arms, as if he is trying to comfort himself. I know he is crying. With all my pain is almost easy to forget that Phil is suffering too. He has lost Clary too. We were a team. The secret squad that no one knew about. Dan, Phil and Clary, conquering the world one little step at a time. We were a family. “Do you want to take a shower too?” I ask, not knowing what to do. Well, I know I should hug him and say that everything was going to be okay, but I didn’t want to lie. He turns his head up to me and I see all the tears coming down his cheeks when he agrees. It breaks my heart. “I’m sorry too.” I say lowering on the floor to hug him, he holds me crying on my chest. I get back on my feet, bringing him with me. “We will be okay.” I say, trying to making him feel better.

“I don’t know if we will.” He says. “But we will try.” He promises, cleaning his tears and opening a small smile. Phil is so much stronger than me. “For Clary and for Lizzie.”

“For us.” I tell him, helping with his tears, and hugging him again.

“For us. All of us.” He agrees, leaving me so he could take his shower. I move around the house, going for that cup of water, I feel a little bit dehydrated. I decide for a chamomile tea, hoping that would make me sleepy and I could rest. I make one for Phil too. I walk around the living room, waiting for Phil to leave the bathroom, because I can’t find strength to walk into Clary’s room by myself. I know we need to sleep there, its the only bed in the house that will fit one of us, I just can’t go in there alone. Phil leaves the bathroom at the exact moment I pick a picture of the four of us from a shelf. “You are not going to break that one too, are you?” He asks. “I won’t stop you if you want to, but I would recommend not doing it, it’s my favorite one.”

“I won’t break it. I was just looking.” I comment, placing the picture back. “I’ve made us tea. I  didn’t bring yours because of… well, my hand.” I tell him, showing my cup of tea in my hand.  “We should go to bed, its 2am, we will have a long day tomorrow.” I go back to rational, methodical Dan. I can think clearer when Phil is around. I feel like pain is manageable when we are together.

“Oh, thanks for the tea.” He says, moving to the kitchen and grabbing his cup. I watch him moving around the place trying not to step in all of the broken glass and water mess I’ve made. Phil returns to the corridor where I’m standing, he has a strange look in his face. “Yeah… We should… Are we going to sleep in her bed? I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it.”

“It’s too late to go back home, and I want to feel close to her. She won’t mind. Well… She wouldn’t mind.” I say, going back to sad Dan. I feel my heart sinking in again, but I don’t let the pain drown me. I am strong enough. I’m gonna be okay. We are going to be okay. “Let’s go to bed.”

“Yeah, lets go to bed.” He agrees with me, moving down the corridor and opening Clary’s room door. Everything looks clean and organized, my mom made sure to come and clean the house a few times since Clary’s accident, in case of someone needing to stay here or something. Her bed is small. Its a double bed but it isn’t a big one, it is almost half of my king size bed, but I don’t care. I don’t feel like sleeping alone and having my private space anymore, I want Phil. I need to feel safe, I need to hug someone, the small bed will just make it easier.

Being back in her room is weird. We’ve had plenty of nights awake here, taking care of Lizzie, discussing her future, discussing my future, Clary’s future. Plans that were made and now would never be fulfilled. This is the same room that Phil and I told Clary that we were planing on writing a book and doing a tour, in one of the nights that we left Lizzie in my mom’s place so we could have a friends night, to talk and have fun. This is the place we were when Lizzie decided to question us why her daddy and mommy were not together as all of her school friends parents were, and where we explained to her about loving people in different ways. Being in her room is weird but feels good, it gives me a warm sensation that Clary is still here, that she is around, watching us trying to put our pieces back together.I climb into the bed, it smells like clean sheets and shampoo. Her shampoo. Phil is laying on my side, really close to me, with a semi-wet hair.

“Did you use her shampoo?” I ask.

“I did. Sorry. I needed something to remind me of her. Does it bother you?” He asks, worried.

“Not really. I feel like I should be bothered because its her stuff and I don’t know, it doesn’t feel right, but I can’t judge you, its a good feeling having her scent around.” I say, and realize what I just said. “This sounded creepier than I thought it would.”

“It’s okay.” He answers, making himself comfortable in the bed, and turning his body to look at me. We just stay like that, looking at each other for a few minutes before moving even closer. I could see the pain hidden behind Phil’s eyes. He is so strong, people usually don’t give him the credits he deserves. I try to imagine my life if Phil didn’t exist in it, but I can’t. I can’t imagine a life without Phil. Without Phil I would have never decided to go to Manchester Uni, I wouldn’t have met Clary and Lizzie wouldn’t exist, I wouldn’t have youtube, TABINOF, TATINOF, and all the  other amazing opportunities I’ve had in life. I might even not be alive anymore. Phil is the reason why I am here, why I was strong enough to continue fighting, continue trying, getting up and moving forward. The best friend anyone could ever ask, the best person to be around. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve Phil in my life. “What’s wrong?” He asks.

“Nothing… Just thinking about stuff, life, you know…” I answer, trying to change the subject.

“You have the ‘You are too good to me, I don’t deserve your friendship’ look in your face, stop with it.” He says. Why does he have to know me so well? “Common, lets sleep, I’m tired.” He comes even closer to me, pushing me against his chest so I can feel safe and comfortable. I feel his face pressed against my hair and I place my arm around his torso. I can feel the tea and the stress of the day catching up to me, and I start to fall asleep. I struggle against it for a second, so I can say one last thing to Phil before falling into the darkness of my dreams.

“I love you.”

“I love you too Dan.”

Part 9 

It takes me what feels like hours but are really seconds to be able to hear the conversation around me. To start putting  all the pieces of information together and trying to create an escape from reality. Clary. Hospital call. Mom unreachable. Texts. Brain death. No cellphone. Reading. Taxi. Canceling plans. Nothing seems to fit. Life is meaningless. Lizzie. I have to get up. I need to be strong. Lizzie needs me. She is scared, she is alone, I need to hold her. Where is she? I can’t feel her wrapped in my arms anymore.

“Lizzie. Where is Lizzie?” I gain enough strength to ask Phil, who is still holding me while sitting on the floor.

“Louise took her for a shower. She's okay Dan, she's strong. She will need you, but I guess right now she is as confused as we are. Louise said that she never told Lizzie what the phone call was about, but both of us know that Lizzie didn’t need Louise to tell her. She is smart and sensitive, I’m sure she knew something was wrong before the phone rang. By the way, Louise said that they tried to call our cellphones but it didn’t work. I guess we were still on the tube.” He said, holding me stronger. “What are we going to do?” He asked, and I could feel his tears starting to wet my shirt on my shoulder, where his face was.

“I don’t know.” I cried too, turning my body to hug Phil while still sat on the floor, my legs over his legs as we tried to hold each other as close as possible, trying to find our safe place. “What do I do, Phil?” I sob harder.

“We have to go back, thats the first thing we will do. Once we are there we can meet Riley and discuss… arrangements I guess. There’s nothing much we can do Dan. In the end, it’s Riley’s decision. She is the one calling the shots. If she wants to turn everything down, there is nothing we can do to change that.”

“I can’t let her give up on Clary.” I say, getting out from our embrace to look at Phil’s face. “I can’t let her take away Lizzie’s mom.”

“Dan, you have to start trying to accept the fact that Clary might not be in there anymore. I know that they are still running some tests and there is like a 2% chance that her brain is still working. But if it isn’t, you will have to accept that she isn’t there. I’m here for you and Lizzie, but Lizzie will need you too. I’ll need you.” Phil said, cleaning his tears and keeping eye contact with me. We needed to be strong for each other.

We got up from the floor together, and went to our rooms to pack our bags again. I took some dirty clothes out of it, and replaced it with some clean ones. I grabbed a tux from my closet, trying not to think too much about the meaning of taking it with me. I packed a small bag for Lizzie. She had everything she could need at my mother’s house, and remembered to grab Miss Llama. I met Louise and Lizzie back in the lounge. My daughter jumped in my arms as soon as she saw me, hiding her face in my neck. I looked at Louise, whose makeup was destroyed and struggled to smile.

“Thank you for taking care of her.” I said with all my heart, hugging Lizzie stronger.

“You don’t have to thank me.” She smiled weakly. “I’m really sorry Dan. I don’t know Clary, but I’m sure she is an amazing woman and she doesn’t deserve this. You don’t deserve this. Neither does Lizzie. I’m sorry you guys have to go through this.” She said, coming to hug us. “I’ll leave, I know you guys have to go.” She said, leaving our embrace and grabbing her bag.

“Louise. Wait.” I said, making a decision in the heat of the moment. “Can you please tell people about this? Like PJ, Chris, Felix, Tyler, you know, people. I think it will be easier to deal with life when I come back if they are already informed on what has been happening to us.”

“Yes of course I can do that. But are you sure you want me to?”

“Yes, I’m sure. Tell them that this can’t go public, please. And if they ask, tell them that they will be meeting Lizzie as soon as she feels like meeting new people.” I say, making a point. Lizzie was my daughter, I would never put her through anything that she didn’t feel like doing. Louise agreed, kissing Lizzie’s cheek and hugging me one more time. When she left the lounge she met Phil, who took her to the door.

“Hey baby llama. How are you doing?” I asked my baby girl, who was still hiding her face in my neck.

“I miss mommy.” She answered, breaking my heart one more time today.

“I know you do sweetie. I do too. I’m taking you to see her tomorrow, okay?” I say, taking a deep breath before talking again. “I need you to be strong baby girl. Mommy is not doing well right now. She is really hurt, and she might not wake up again. She misses her mommy and daddy and she might just go to the skies to live with them once again. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, or that she is abandoning you, or that she doesn’t want to be with us, it just means that her time is up, she has to go live with her mommy and daddy. I just need you to understand that she might do it sometime soon. We are all going to do die and go live in the skies one day. We are all going to meet up there one day, but mommy might go sooner.” I have to take another deep breath before continuing. "I know you are really small, but you are a smart girl, and I am really proud of you baby llama, you have been dealing so well with all of this… Mommy is proud of you too, I know she is.” I finished, before I started to cry again.

“The car is here.” Phil said, from the door. I shook my head knowing that it was time to go and started to walk towards the door. My body working completely on automatic. I had Lizzie in her car seat and Phil by my side, holding me against his side, my head on his shoulders.

London was passing outside the window, but my brain was flying through years of memories. The first time I saw Clary on the hallways of Manchester Uni, carrying too many books for such a small person. Her bright smile on the day that I got my first 'A' after many late nights spent with her helping me study. The day that she told me that she was pregnant and I wanted to hunt down the guy who impregnated her, until realizing that I was the father. Our first doctor appointment, Lizzie’s heartbeat on the monitor, happy tears streaming down our faces. Her strong hold on my hands when we told my parents, the screams, the sad tears streaming down on our cheeks. The day we told Phil, the bright huge smile on his face, all the jokes, all the hugs and movie nights between the three of us. Lizzie being born, Clary crushing my hand, our little pink package growing so quickly, so smart. People say that when you die your whole life passes before your eyes. I wasn’t the one dying, but I could feel a part of me leaving with the passing of the flashbacks of our life. I was so focused on trying to hold on to those memories that I didn’t realize we made it home until I felt my moms tears infiltrating my shirt.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry Dan. I’m… I don’t even know what else to say. She was okay. She was there, just like all the other days, laying there like she was sleeping. I left to go grocery shopping so I could go back to stay with her through the night, my phone died, and I got home and your dad… He was with her. When everything crashed down, he was the one in the hospital. He said that everything was okay, and then in a heartbeat the room was full of doctors and he couldn’t figure out what was happening. The doctors don’t know either, he spent hours there, trying to figure out what was happening before calling you, but no one knows what's  wrong. They are saying that she just gave up, but I know they're wrong. She wouldn’t give up, she loves Lizzie, she loves Riley, she loves you, us, she wouldn’t leave us like this, not by choice.” She tried to say, jumping a few letters, taking a few breaths in between sentences. The hidden meaning behind her words made my heart skip a beat.

“She's dead.” I said, dropping my bag, the reality sinking in.

“All the machines are still working, they are keeping her alive, and they will continue until Riley tells the doctors to cut them all off. But the results came back a few minutes ago, her brain isn’t showing activity. They don’t know what happened, she just stopped. I was waiting for you to get here, Dr. Johnson wants to talk to you, we need to go back to the hospital. Your dad is there with Riley.” She continued, releasing her arms from our hug, and moving towards Phil and Lizzie. I couldn’t find the controls to my body, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t talk, or cry, or sit, or do anything for that matter. All I could think about was Lizzie growing up without her mom. Living a life without Clary.

“Dan. Hey, Dan, you have to go. I’ll stay here with Lizzie, she's tired and will probably fall asleep in a few minutes. You have to go to the hospital.” Said Phil, shaking my arm, trying to put me back into my body. “I know you're scared, I know you're hurt and tired of being strong, but you need to. They need you there, you gotta go. I’ll take care of Elizabeth. You go be the amazing guy I know you are. Go support Riley and be there for Clarisse. I’ll be here for you when you come back, okay? I’ll even order Chinese.” He said hugging me. I really don’t know what I would do with my life without Phil.

“I can’t leave Lizzie. It’s her mom, she needs to say goodbye.”

“She can say goodbye tomorrow. Riley isn’t calling the shots today, they have a minimum 24 hour policy in the hospital. We don’t know if she is going to do it at all. She's in a really bad shape right now and could really use some support. You should go." "I’ll go put Lizzie in her bed.” I said.

“You can give her to me, I’ll do it.” Said Phil, leaving my embrace to get my daughter. “You go, be strong, I know you can.” He said to me, once again, leaving the room to go upstairs and put Lizzie to bed. I worked hard to find the controls to my legs and arms again, making an effort to pick my bag up and follow my mom to her car, so we could drive to the hospital.

I hate hospitals. I hate the smell of it, I hate the fact that people are dying there, and that dozens of families are spread around the place with their hands tied, with nothing they can do. I hate the fact that today we are one of those families.

I walked down a few corridors until I reached the elevator, and a few more blocks until Clary’s room. Riley is sat in a waiting space, next to the door. I walked up to her quickly. She got up and hugged me as strong as she is capable of. Riley was never a big fan of mine, I got her sister pregnant in Uni, its not like she was very excited about it in the beginning, but today that didn’t matter. We held on to each other for a few seconds before we left the embrace. I can see in her face how tired she is, how stressed, how sad and lonely she's feeling, so I hug her again. Riley is only 23, and she's passing through all of this basically alone, after losing her parents and everyone else in the family. Clary and Lizzie are the last people in her life, I can’t imagine how hard this must be for her.

We sat down and continued in silence for a few seconds, until she cut it saying: “The doctor is inside the room. They are performing a few more tests. They've been in and out with machines and taking her for tests and everything for hours. They won’t give me an ultimatum until they finish everything. I don’t know if I should be planning a funeral or preparing a 'welcome back' party for her. They won’t tell me if I should have minimal hope, or if I should just give up. My brain keeps jumping between awful memories and really great ones. I wanna go back to when we were two little kids, running around the garden, trying to catch each other. To when I followed each and every one of her footsteps, trying to be like her. So smart, so pretty, so sweet to everyone. She was the good one, I am the black sheep. Why does the world need to take the good things from us?” She ranted about, crying into her hands. I didn’t know what to do, so I hugged her from the side and let her cry. I am here to be the pillar, to be the strong one. I can cry later. I rubbed her back for a few minutes until Dr. Johnson left the room. I jumped on my feet and rushed over to him.

“Dr. Johnson, what is happening?” I asked in a mess of sadness, desperation and anger.

“Mr. Howell, I’m really sorry, but I can’t tell you much. She had a break down, we can say that much. She was doing fine, but the bleeding in her brain got too much, and we couldn’t operate, so that might have caused a block to all the brain functions. We are testing her for everything that we can, to see if its all out or not, but the blood is not helping. We are considering the surgery, but it might be too dangerous if any of the functions are still working. We are trying to find the best option, but we are running out of possibilities. We might already be working with a lost cause, but we can’t prove that with all the blood messing up the machines. I promise you I would keep running options through my brain until I find the best solution, but we might not have time.”

“What exactly are you saying, Dr. Johnson?” I ask, trying to process all the information.

“I’m saying that the only way we can prove if she has brain functions or not, is doing the surgery to stop the bleeding. But the surgery in this state has a 90% chance of causing brain death if she is still there and working. Its Ms. Riley choice.” He said, looking at Riley. “We can’t make any promises about it. All of the tests we did say that her brain is completely dead. For all that matters, she is gone. But we don’t feel like this is right, there is too much in the game for us to give up and just turn everything down. We don’t want to give you false hope so I’m telling you the truth here, we can try, but the chance of her not being a lost cause is already minimal. I’m really sorry.”

“But there is a chance. A small chance, of her being okay in the end? Is that what you're saying?” Asked Riley, getting up from her chair.

“Its really minimal, but yes. Please Ms. Platt, I don’t want you to feel excited about it, because reality in the end might crush you harder. This surgery is already very risky in normal conditions, we might not be able to get her out of it.” He said, holding Riley’s hand. “You have to choose. If you do choose for the surgery we have to rush her now.” Riley looked at me before turning to the doctor.

“Can we have a minute with her before, please?” She said, holding my hand. Riley knew that I needed to see Riley before everything was done. The doctor agreed, going to pick up some papers that Riley has to sign in case she agrees with the surgery, and we moved to Clary’s room.

Clary looked smaller than before. She looked better than yesterday, but I knew that wasn’t the case, she also looked tired, but like she was sleeping. And she looked weak, really weak. I held her cold hand, feeling the weak blood flow in her pulse caused by one of the machines. Riley was holding her other hand, and for a few minutes we watched her chest slowly and weakly rise with the air that another machine was pushing in and out of her.

“She's not going to make it, is she?” Asked Riley, with tears in her eyes. Her words cut deeply inside of me, because of the amount of truth behind it. I could feel the same. Clarisse wasn’t alive anymore, the doctors had hope, but my hope vanished already. Even if she was there, she was to weak to survive a surgery, we  already lost her. I agreed with Riley, a single tear falling from my eye. “She's not there anymore, I can feel it. This is just a shell of who my sister used to be. There is no one in there for us to try and save anymore. I know they tried, I know they want to continue trying, to prove themselves that they were wrong, that she is there, that they can save a life, but they can’t. There is no life for them to save anymore. I don’t want her body to continue here, suffering. I want her to rest. Don’t let them keep trying their machines and methods on my sister Dan, I can’t deal with that.” She cried, leaving Clary’s hand and moving to the other side of the bed, where I was standing, to hug me.

I was completely lost in tears, but I agreed with her. We continued in that position for a few minutes. My left hand still holding Clary’s right hand, and my right arm around Riley’s waist, until the doctor came back in the room. “I don’t want the surgery. I want you and your team to stabilize her so her daughter can come say goodbye, and I want to turn everything down. That is my choice.” Said Riley, making everything official. Just like that, part of my heart was broken into pieces. It was official, Clary was dead. Oh Lizzie… How was I going to tell her that?

Phil’s POV (What? Really?? I am as surprised as you guys ;P )

I could see the fight behind Dan’s eyes. I could see how hard it was for him to be in a meeting room, trying to make it clear to a whole board of people that “for personal reasons” and TATINOF we couldn’t do the radio show for a few months, while his mind was back home thinking about Lizzie and Clary.

“Thats the deal guys. I am sorry, but we can’t. We won’t be able to do the show for over eight months, we are going to America, then Australia, and then wke need a break before Europe, Asia and South America. I can’t deal with thinking about this right now. We are really grateful for all of this, you know that, but we just need a break so we can focus on other things.” Said Dan, almost loosing control. I could tell that he was on the edge of a breaking down because his hair was all messed up and he couldn’t keep his hands quiet.

The BBC people were really nice, but in the end we had a show that brought them a lot of money and views and this is something really hard to give up. They did understand that it was our choice, and it wasn’t a easy one for us either, so they in the end accepted it. Dan’s final words were enough for them to agree with letting us go. We left the building feeling a little bit bittersweet. BBC was the reason why we moved to London and did so many amazing things in our lives, so leaving it for such a long time was weird. At the same time it felt amazing. I could smell the freedom and new possibilities in the air.

“Do you want to pass on Starbucks? I think I need a Caramel Macchiato. Or something that reminds me of when life used to be easy. I can almost feel the stress coming out of my pores.” Said Dan, cutting my line of thoughts. He really seemed stressed and tired.

“We can if you want, but I have cherry lub in the house, I think you could make a better use of some instead of drinking coffee .” I comment, trying to make him laugh a bit, to get a more cheerful air around us. He didn’t seem to enjoy the reference much. Maybe I stepped too far since I could almost feel the ‘Phiiilll stop…’ that he was sending trough his eyes. “Okay, I get it, I’ll stop. Starbucks sounds great, I’ll call Louise and see if she wants something.”

“Thank you.”

“But really, I can take care of Lizzie anytime, if you need to go out or just have some time alone. I know that life is not treating you with kindness these past few weeks, and you have to remind yourself that you are a 24 years old guy that deserves a night free of worries. I’m sure we would have a lot of fun, Lizzie and I, eating some chocolate and watching some cartoons on the TV.”

“Phil stop. Please just stop. I don’t feel like discussing my ‘alone time’ with you, thank you very much.” Said a less stressed Dan, with kinda of a smile in his face.

“Okay, I’m just saying, if you need me to take care of your kid, so you can forget that you have one for one day, I’m here.”

“I know. And I really appreciate what you’ve done for me all of these years Phil, honestly, and you know that. But right now I just feel like passing on Starbucks, going home, calling my mom to get some news on Clary, hugging my child, and hibernating for a couple of days, so I can feel like a human being again. The BBC meeting board people were really nice with us, but that was so emotionally tiring. Giving up everything that we built in this company, the life we created here in London. I don’t know, it feels like there is nothing keeping me here anymore. It feels weird, like I don’t belong here, or anywhere for what matters. Its like a don’t have a home anymore.” Answered Dan, resting his head on my shoulder. The tube was pretty empty, there were a few people looking at us, but that didn’t matter for us. Not anymore.  

“You know, you always have me, and no matter how cheesy or romantic this may sound I really think we belong together, even after we have our own families we will be always next to each other in life, it doesn’t matter if it is in London or anywhere around the globe. You will always have a home with me, with that you don’t need to worry.” I comment trying to make him feel better, but saying from the bottom of my heart. We stayed like that for a while, and the aura around us was heavy, making me tired, so once we left the tube in one of the train stations I remembered something from a while ago and it would fit perfectly for my plans today to make the mood lighter and happier. “Hey, lets go to the London Eye.”

“What? Phil are you okay? I just told you that I wanna go home and hide myself in a cocoon of sheets for ten days, and you want to take me to the London Eye?”

“Well, I wanna go to the London Eye. And I really feel like you should join me. You are going to have a lot of time to hide yourself in your room later, but right now I really think that we should go to the London Eye.”

“Phil, we’ve been to the London Eye before. There is nothing much there. Just a giant wheel and tons of tourists waiting in a line, submitting themselves to a freezing wind, just to get a picture from the top of the wheel, like everyone else in the freaking world that have been here has done before. I don’t think I can deal with that right now.”

"I know we've been there, but I wanna go again. Common Dan, please?"

"Why do you wanna go there so bad? Four years living in London and you never mentioned the place, and now from nowhere you really wanna go?" He looked at me with a confused expression. I decided to tell the truth.

"A few months ago, when we came back from a visit to your place, Clary asked me to go to the London Eye for her and take a picture. She never had the chance to go before, and she didn't want to come to London with Lizzie, but she was curious about the view, and she said that she didn't want to see it trough a stranger's perspective. So I figured out we could do that today, I don't know, so next time we go visit her we can tell everything about it. It would make me feel better knowing that at least I'm doing something for her. I feel sad not being able to do anything for her." Dan was quiet for a few moments, before start walking to the train that would take us to the London Eye. "Thank you." I said, once we were inside of the train.

"That's ok. I feel like I should be doing something too. I don't like to be here away from her and everything, but there is nothing we can do there, so let's do what we can. And I just sent Louise a text, Lizzie is fine, she is taking a nap after playing for 3h straight and talking to Zoe, we have a couple hours before Luise gets tired of my kid and leave."

"I don't think that there is a single person in the world that would get tired of Lizzie. At least not anyone that we know." I snap back, trying to make him smile. He does for a few seconds and then it fades away. "What? What's wrong?"

"Well, I was just thinking that we are going to find out that sooner than later, aren't we? Playlist live is coming, the tour, VidCon. We can't leave Lizzie here for the whole ten weeks, we can't keep her without Clary and us. I spent the whole night thinking about this."

"Hey, you don't know if Clary will be okay by then. Have a little bit of faith on her."

"I do. But let's be realistic Phil, she is not waking up soon. The doctors don't think she is, the internet says that she isn't. And deep down I know that she won't be opening her eyes right now. And even if she does, she won't be able to leave to hospital for a few weeks, and then she won't be able to take care of Lizzie for a few months, Lizzie is my daughter too, and it's my responsibility taking care of her."

"So you want to take Lizzie on the tour with us? Do you think that is smart? The phans will probably find out about her in like 3 days."

"Well, right now that's the best idea that I've had. I'm accepting sugestions." Dan said, at the same moment our train arrived in the station and we got too crowded and pushed around to continue the important conversation.

We went trough the whole trip just checking our phones and making random comments about stuff we saw online, nothing really important, for a moment everything felt normal, right on its place, and then we arrived at the London Eye. Nothing about me and Dan being at the London Eye was normal. First, we didn't like to go to very touristic places in London because it was too crowded. Second, we couldn't walk much because we were stopped by fans a few times and they all wanted to talk and take pictures, and we were not feeling like doing much of it. And finally the waiting line was boring and we really wanted a booth to ourselves so we could talk about Clary and take our pictures. Almost an hour later we were able to do it.

"I apreciate our fans a lot, but sometimes it just gets too much." Dan pointed out, once we started moving. I agreed with my head, but my attention was almost entirelly focused at the view. I really wanted to make the best out of this so I could report it perfectly to Clary once we go visit her again, because of that I made sure to analyze all the little things, including all the shades of the colours displayed around the whole view. I looked behind me, to check what Dan was doing, and he was recording my reaction to everything and our little journey at the giant wheel. He noticed my weird look. “What? Its going to be easier to make her feel like she was here if she has a video. You’ve been in the youtube for ten years Phil, you should have thought about that.”

“Oh sorry if I was appreciating the perfect view. You are not mad with me for appreciating it, right Clary?” I asked, facing straight into the lens. “See? She is not mad. She is glad that at least one of us is actually appreciating the day.”

“Of course not! She is mad because you are talking over her video, and she just wants to appreciate the view. Aren’t you, love?” Asked Dan, turning the camera to his face and smiling, dimples making an appearance and all. “See, she agrees with me, as we all knew she would do.” He turned the camera back at me.

“You called her love. Thats not fair! You know that she can’t say no to you when you call her love, it's impossible. Tell him that is impossible to say no to him when he calls you love, he won’t listen to me.” I hold the camera, showing Dan’s face again, and he is still smiling.

“Are you jealous Phil? Do you want me to call you love too?” He joked, winking at me.

“No, I don’t want you to pretend to love me, thank you.” I say, and turn the camera back at me and the view. “I’m sorry darling, we are bothering you watch the view. I’ll go back to show you London.” And I turn the camera to the outside view once again. We are quiet for a few seconds before Dan cuts out the silence.

“Why are you calling the mother of my daughter darling?” Asked him pretending to be hurt, I laugh.

“Well, if you can call her love its only fair that I call her darling. Isn’t it?” I turn the camera to film the both of us, discussing the matter.

“I guess so. I don’t think she wants either of us to call her that though. You know that she would be punching our arms right now for joking around and making fun with her.”

“Would you? You wouldn’t do that to us. You know how many girls out there would be dying to be called love and darling by us, you would appreciate it, right Clary? But you know that you are the only one receiving the 'amazing' treatment.” I wink at the camera.

“Stop! Just stop! This pun is unbearable. And stop hitting on her!” He tried to take the camera out of my hands, but I was able to keep it facing the two of us.

“Oh common Dan! Just because one of us is on fire you don’t have to be jealous.” I joke again smiling at him, he just placed his hands over his eyes shaking his head. “Okay, I’ll stop and enjoy the ride.”

“Finally! We won Clary, our daughter will be proud.” Dan said, holding his arms up in the air, pretending to celebrate. Suddenly his face was back to a sad expression. He got the camera from my hand and started talking to it. “She misses you a lot. Lizzie, I mean. She called your name while sleeping a few times on the past days. We brought her to London with us, she seems excited to be finally in mine and Phil’s place, but we know that she is not as distracted as we want her to be. You know how smart she is, she knows that you are at the hospital, and she knows that there is nothing that we can do, but she misses you, as we all do. I wanted to be able to stay at Reading with you, I wanted to be there, but you know I can’t. I am trying to continue life, be as rational as I am when I talk about other subjects and give advices, but its not that easy. You and Phil have been my partners in life for such a long time, I don’t know how I would survive if I lost one of you. I don’t know how I could go on if I lost you.” Dan said, starting to cry, I didn’t know what to do, so I hugged him, from his side. “Oh God, I sound like a crazy person don’t I? Talking to a camera because I am not brave enough to visit one of the most important person in my life at the hospital, afraid of being there when they are gone.” He said, dropping the camera and placing his head on my shoulder, to cry a bit more.

“You sound human to me. Well, not actually, you sound like a pig when you are crying, snorting and trying to talk at the same time, but you are only human Dan. You have been talking to a camera for such a long time, you feel comfortable doing it. We don’t judge you for not being comfortable in a hospital room. This is how you express yourself, and I’m sure Clary will be glad you are recording how you are actually feeling to show her later, because I know you won’t tell her in person, and she will like to know, you know that she will want to know everything we went trough. She is a little sadist that one.” I try to make him feel better, and it kinda works. We stay hugged to each other for a few more seconds before feeling the wheel stopping, we were back on the floor level. Dan cleaned his face, looked at me and smiled.

“Thank you for listening to me, and making me feel like I am a normal human being with a soul and a heart. Lets go grab those macchiatos, right?” And we are back to brave-hiding-real-emotions Dan.  “I’ll call Louise, you call the cab, I’m tired of taking the tube, too many people with colds and plague.” I agree getting my phone out and asking for a cab. The ride to the closest Starbucks to our place was pretty quick, and actually fun. Dan and I spent the whole trip discussing our favorite concerts ever, Muse not included cause that was already obvious.

The Starbucks wasn’t very crowded, just a couple of guys in a table on the corner, and a group of girls in line to order their drinks. Phil and I approached the line and one of the girls turned back, looking straight at us and loosing her breath for a second. Oh God, here we go. Dan and I prepared ourselves for the screams and cry and craziness, but none of them came.

“Hey guys! I can’t believe we’ve met you here. We came all the way from Brazil, this is really unbelievable. We never though we would meet you here.” Said one of them, smiling at us.

“Oh hi. You came all the way from Brazil? That is kinda crazy. What are you doing in town?” Asked Dan, and I really hoped the answer wasn’t ‘we were searching for you guys.’

“We were searching for you guys.” Another girl said, making us back up a bit, and then they were all laughing. “OMG your faces were amazing, I wish I had recorded that. No, we weren’t stalking you two. We are doing a world tour. We don’t actually have a show, so its not a tour, its more like a world trip, but we call it a tour because its more fun and we sound fancier. Anyway, we are going around visiting some nice places and decided to make a stop here. I’m Julea by the way, these are my friends Jojo, Camila, Cresh and Clary, and we are the ‘Dandelions’, well, part of it.” She said, pointing to each one of them.

They all seemed like great people, and they were not screaming around and going crazy, so we took a few minutes to talk to them. Actually meeting people that appreciates our work and know how to act around us recognizing that we are only humans is pretty cool, so that made us feel better for the day, getting over all the heavy stuff we went trough the week. Even tough one of them was named Clary and did remind us of our problems, it was nice to meet new people from a different country that uses our videos to get over problems, learn new things, and make friends. Just knowing that showed us how much we meant for someone out there, and it was great. We left the coffee shop feeling renewed, ready for whatever life had planed for us for the rest of the day. Or at least that is what we thought.

At the moment we opened the flat door we heard Lizzie crying. It wasn’t like a ‘i want something you don’t want to give me so I’ll make a scene until you do’ cry. It was a heart felt sobbing cry, that broke my heart just from hearing it from downstairs.

“LIZZIE!” Dan screamed, running stairs up, leaving the Starbucks bags behind, so I could carry them. I tried my best to get everything, lock the door, and run stairs up until my friend and his baby girl without destroying everything, what took me like 4 minutes to be honest. On the moment I joined them in the room, I knew something wasn’t right. Dan was sat on the floor, hugging Lizzie, and both were crying, hard, with a Louise standing next to them also in tears. What the heck happened?

Dan's POV

"OMG Dan you have to let me meet her! I'll even try to go down to your place if I have to, but I really wanna meet her. Does she look like you? She must be such a gorgeous little thing. I can't believe you are a father. I joked about us adopting Emilia and now I can totally see you as a dad, you are great with kids. Alfie is going to go crazy when I tell him, honestly. He is so in love with kids, I'm pretty sure he will volunteer to help whenever you need, and truly, he is amazing with the little ones, you can totally trust him." Said an excited Zoe after I explained everything to her.

"You don't have to come here, really. I know how hard it is for you to come to London with all the people and traffic and everything. I'm probably taking Lizzie to Brighton to meet Peej and Pewds in a few days, so you can meet her there..." I say, messing with my hair trying to think on how we would go to Brighton with Lizzie without anyone noticing. That would be a hard thing to do, but necessary, PJ would never forgive me if I told him on Facetime as I did with Zoe.

"That would be so perfect! I'll bake us some cupcakes and we can have a nice night in catching up. I miss you all! You always come here and forget my existence. I know how all the 'Phan vs Alfie' thing that the phans keep talking about is a lie and a really stupid rumor, but sometimes you three really make it hard for me to protect you all. You should come over, you've never been to our place and you have never met Nala."

"We are not really social people. We keep to our little group, but we miss you too, we will go meet Nala one day, and you can meet Lizzie." I assure her, making clear that we would visit her and Alfie. And Nala of course, Phil and I had been really busy for the past year and never got the chance to meet the little pug, but we are in love with dogs and we really wanna do it.

“Thank you for thrusting me Dan, honestly, I promise you that we will keep your secret with our owns. I’ll be sure to add Clary on my prayer’s list, she will be okay, you’ll see. I’ll go sleep now, I hope to hear from you soon!” Said Zoe, as we said our goodbyes and turned the FaceTime off.

“That was better than I thought it would be." I commented once I closed my laptop placing it on my lap.

“Told ya that it isn’t going to be too bad when everyone finds out.” Agreed Louise, hugging me again. I hug her back, and then lean to my other side to lay down in Phil’s lap, making sure to place my laptop on the floor so it doesn’t fall down from the couch. “Well, thats my cue. I’ll go to bed cause tomorrow I’ll have a busy day getting to know Lizzie better. Good night sweeties."

"Good night Louise." We answered both together as she left the room and went upstairs to her improvised room in the office. I stay laying in Phil’s lap for a few more minutes before starting grunting trying to get some attention.

“Yes?” Asked Phil, looking down from his laptop on the couch's arm to me.

“Do you think I’m doing the right thing?” I ask worried, looking at his blue eyes.

“About…?”

“About Lizzie of course. About everything. Telling people about her, bringing her here, trying to fit both of our lives together in this crazy world, changing her entire world upside down, changing our little private world upside down. Do you think I’m doing the right thing?” I face his stomach, trying to hide my face on his body so I don't need to look at his penetrating eyes anymore.

“You are her father, I’m sure that you are doing what you think is the right thing, Dan.” He answers, placing his laptop down, and messing with my hair, trying to make me feel comfortable.

"That's not what I asked." I mumble against his shirt.

"I love her Dan, you know that, and as much as I want to keep her all to myself and you, I know that she needs people in her life, now even more than ever. I feel like we are doing the right thing, and if we are not, we are going to deal with all that comes out of it together." He says in a more serious note, still playing with my hair. All the 'We' in his sentence made me more comfortable with the choices I was making on the past few days, assuring me that I wasn't alone in this journey. I got closer to him, making myself even more comfortable on his lap and the couch. "You know we need to work, right? No time for sleep to the busy dad." He tries to sound tough, making me laugh a bit and recovering his laptop, to go back to work.

  "Can't we just go to bed and deal with everything in the morning?" I mumble again, trying to get his laptop of his hands.

 "Are you going to wake up in the morning to work? Cause I'm not." I agree with my head, letting him know that I will wake up early if we leave everything now and go to bed. "You are not going to wake up at 7am. Waking up at 9am will be hard enough for you, don't lie to me."

  "I won't be able to work tonight. And we don't have much to do, its just the first meeting, we'll still have five others before we get to a decision." I make it clear, starting to get up from his lap, but I give up in the middle of the action, picking up one of the cushions and placing it so I could lay down in a more comfortable position.

  "You are right." He said after a few seconds of me moving around trying to get a better position. "You should go to bed, I'll stay here and make sure we have all the topics for the meeting are written down so we don't forget any of them." He offers, looking into my eyes to make his point, he is not going to bed before finish working.

  "No. You are going to bed too. I don't wanna go by myself."

   "You are going to go by yourself anyway. I have my own room here, if you don't recall that." He smiles, turning his attention back to the notes open in his laptop.

  "I do recall that. That's why I'm so eager to go with you. I need cuddling. And Lizzie moves too much." I say, pushing him closer to me, making the point that he was the best pillow and person for cuddling available, and I wasn't going to give up. "Tell me that's not weird." I comment after a few minutes of couch cuddles.

    "What's not weird?" He asks, finally paying full attention to me, after writing down some more of our notes for the meeting.

   "Me wanting to go to bed with you. I need comfort to deal with all of this happening, and you are kinda of my safe place. That's not weird right? That's just how friends are." I say, trying to convince myself more than him, if I'm being honest.

   "No. That's not how friends usually are, but that's how we are anyway, so no, it's not weird. Let's go brush our teeth and go to bed. Get out from my legs." He said, making me happy for giving up the work for my comfort, but also making me leave the couch, with a whine.

    We brushed our teeth together, trying to make each other laugh, almost choking on the process, passed on the kitchen to get a glass of cold water, and moved back to go to bed. Before going to Phil's room I checked Lizzie to see if she was fine, and made a mental note to come back to my room before she wake up in a different house and make a scene. We got into Phil's room and prepare the bed, with me taking the left side and him taking the right side as we always did in these situations. He placed his arm around me and pulled me closer to his body, resting his face on my neck giving me chills, making me really comfortable and safe. I fell asleep happy for being on my safe place, the little spoon in Phil's bed, like we used to do back in 2009.

  I was dreaming with VidCon. Not the screams from the excited fans on the panels, or the happy smiles from them on the meet and greet. I dreamed about backstage. About seeing all of my friends at once, about how hard it used to be talk to Lizzie on Facetime in the middle of a huge convention, trying to keep her in secret. I dreamed about everyone finding our about her in the worst way possible: my Facetime connecting with the huge panel screen, in front of thousands of fans and youtubers and Lizzie's face smiling at them, having fun. It wasn't exactly a dream, it was one of my worst nightmares, one that wasn't going to happen like that, but it was closer and closer to happen anyway.

I was scared, sweating and feeling exposed and heartbroken, when I woke up with a scream. It wasn't a horror movie scream. Or a little girl scream that would mean she woke up in a strange house, a weird room and without someone she knows close to her. It was an excited and happy scream like the ones we hear in conventions coming from the fans, but this one came from inside the room, and from someone we know really well.

"LOUISE!" Screamed Phil, and then he covered his mouth, trying to be quieter. "What are you doing in my room? Why are you screaming? You will wake up Lizzie! Is anything wrong? Is Lizzie okay?" He asked really fast, making it hard for my lazy sleepy brain to precess it all.

"Of course she is okay! Uncle Philly and Daddy are together! She will be more than okay when she finds out. That is so sweet, she really needs this strong and lovely relationship between you two to build a strong base for life, now even more than before. She will be so happy, I'll go get her." Said a really excited Louise , and I started picking up what she was saying and got up really fast from Phil's embrace.

"Wait. What? Stop right there Louise. There is nothing going on between Phil and I. I would never do that. Are you crazy? What's wrong with you? Why would you say something like that?" I said in a really loud and angry voice, not accepting what she was suggesting. "And why are you in Phil's room? How do you go inside someone's room without knocking? Do you even know what privacy means?" I ask getting up from the bed, in only my PJ pants and hugging my self to cover my body, it was really cold.

"Dan calm down. You are going to wake Lizzie up, its only 8:30am. I'm sure Louise has a good explanation for why she is in my room without knocking. You don't need to act like she is attacking you, it's all fine. Calm down. Come back to bed, it's cold, come on. Let's talk about it." Said Phil, really calm, opening again a space in bed under the covers for me, that I took reluctantly. I was mad because of the situation. "Louise there is nothing going on between Dan and I." Phil said pretty clear.

"But you were half naked spooning in the bed. What the heck is happening then?" She sounded confused.

"I needed to feel comfortable. I feel comfortable with Phil, so I slept here. That's all. There is nothing more here."

"What? That's not nothing Dan. That is something. You feel good in Phil's embrace, that means something. Since when this is happening? Why are you two lying to me? Am I not good enough to know this secret too? Do you think I'm going to see you two differently after you tell me you are together? Or you just wanna hide it from me like you've hidden Lizzie for 4 years? I don't understand." Argued an almost crying Louise.

"Louise, don't cry, don't feel bad. Honestly, there is nothing happening. We are friends. I know this is more than friends usually do, but it is how it is for us. We've been friends for a really long time, we know each other really well. We have been together supporting each other through everything in our lives, and more importantly, all decisions related to Lizzie's life. For us it is normal to do look for each other's arms when we need support. There is nothing sexual, nothing amorous related to it. Its just for comfort. We don't hope you understand just please know that and respect. It is how we work." Explained Phil, getting up and hugging her. A few seconds latter the door opened once again, this time to reveal a happy little llama running to the bed.

"DADDY! You have a piano too! Can we play it together later? I've been learning a few new notes on it and I wanna practice. Can we daddy? Please?" Said an excited Lizzie jumping on Phil's bed and on my arms. Cutting of the weird talk going on in the room.

"Good morning to you too little llama." I say, turning us on the bed so she was laying down and I was tickling her. "I won't stop until you say the magical sentence."I joke, hoping she will say good morning back to me. But she surprised me once again.

"Petrificus Totalus!"

"Omg she is really your daughter." Laughed Phil, that was watching the interaction happening in his bed.  

I was still shocked with her answer but played along, pretending my whole body when frozen and fell down on the bed not moving.

"Come on Daddy stop. I'm hungry." She said after a few seconds of me quiet. When she was least expecting me I jumped on her again. "STOP!!!! I want pancakes. Good morning, GOOD MORNING STOP DADDY!" She screamed laughing with the tickles. I stopped once she said the magical sentence and got off the bed taking her with me. Louise and Phil were watching us, with a smile on their faces.

"Well thats our clue to go make some pancakes." Said Phil coming closer to me to get my daughter out of my arms. I refused giving her to him. "Oh okay, you greedy, you want her all to yourself, fine, but I won't make any pancakes for you.

"As if you are the only one who is going to be cooking. You will probably put fire in the house if I let you cook by yourself. Now let's go, I'm hungry too. Louise? Ladies first." I said, offering  the way out of the to Louise who was just watching us, really quiet. I could almost hear the engines going on full potency in her brain, I would have to deal with that sooner or later and I knew that. But if I can choose, later it is.

We get to the kitchen and I put Lizzie on the floor, and she goes straight to Louise to talk about cartoons. Lucky for us, Lizzie and Darcy watch the same cartoons, so they had tons of things to talk about.

Me and Phil started working on the pancakes together, like we always do. Since we moved in together we decided that none of us had the ability of cooking alone, so every important meal in the house was prepared by the two of us. We had a system already. I would measure the flour and pour it in a bowl as he was measuring the sugar (a little too much every time) and the milk. I would put all the other ingredients and he would mix, as I turned the stove on and prepare the pan. He would put the amount necessary of the mixture on, I would check until it was ready to flip, and we would take turns flipping the pancakes. It was a perfect system.

We worked perfectly fine, singing the theme songs to some of our favorite animes and making jokes with each other, as any other morning. But this time we weren't alone. I could almost feel Louise eyes staring at us, watching every single movement we were doing as she was talking and half paying attention to my daughter. We would have to discuss this whole thing later, and it didn't feel like it was going to be a fun conversation.

Phil and I finished preparing the breakfast and we all moved to the lounge to enjoy the pile of food that we've made in a few minutes. The time flew by and sooner than we could imagine it was time for me and Phil to leave for our meeting.

"Promise me you will be good to Auntie Louise. We will be back as soon as possible and we will practice the piano for a while, but only if you are a good girl and respect Louise. You know how it works, right? Be a good girl and I will treat you like a grown up. Be a bad girl and I will have to treat you as a little kid that doesn't know how to respect people. You know how both works. Right?" I ask, checking if she still knows how our process of "leaving Lizzie with a baby sitter" works. We always gave her the options for both sides, and made clear she knew the consequences for both. She can always choose, and she will always understand the price for each choice. She agreed with me smiling, it always melted my heart. "Okay, daddy has to go. I love you Lizzie, I'll be back soon. Bye Louise, thank you again!" I say running down the stairs with Phil following me. 

We were already late.

Dan’s POV

Lizzie slept trough the whole way from her house to mine. She didn’t wake up when we got home either, what made my life and Phil’s really hard. We had to go upstairs with her, her car seat, all her bags and our bags. It wasn’t very easy. Elizabeth was probably very tired because of the day she had out with my family, and I didn’t think she would wake up for a few more hours, so I placed her in my bed, and left the door of the room open, just in case she woke up in a strange room and panicked. Phil and I placed her stuffs in my room, and moved to the lounge to talk and wait for Louise.

“She said that she will be here in 20 minutes, and if we want to order pizzas she wants a medium pepperoni.” Said Phil, falling on the couch. “Outch! Bloody hell, I landed on our remote control.” He said, taking a remote control from under his ass.

“And the destruction of the “Dan and Phil apartment” continues.”

“Technically I am not destructing the apartment, I am destructing our remote control.”

"Technically, that is part of our house and our stuffs. Do you want to watch 'Magi' until she arrives? I need to distract myself before what I have to do tonight."

"You sound like you are going to kill a puppy, you're just gonna tell Louise that Lizzie exists. Its not that hard. She is not gonna kill you."

"She is gonna feel betrayed and hurt. I just hope she understands the reasons behind me not telling her."

"Louise has a 4 years old too. And she knows that our fans are worse than hers. I'm sure she will understand. Now to a more urgent matter. Which pizza do you want?"

"Such urgency. Just a pepperoni will be fine. Get some chicken for Lizzie and a coke. I will put an episode of Magi for us while you order. My wallet is in my backpack in the room, you can grab money there."

We watched an entire episode of Magi before our doorbells ringed. My heart skipped a beat, I started sweating and I didn't feel ready for her reaction. Phil went downstairs to open the door for Louise, while I checked Lizzie to make sure she was going to sleep trough the hard part of tonight's conversations.

"... I told him that I don't care if its his weekend, its her birthday and I will be doing a princess themed party with all her friends and Zoe. So I'm giving him a few weekdays so we can eqilibrate the weekend she wont go to his place in April." I hear Louise talking coming upstairs and I go meet her. "I swear to God, I don't know how you two deal with these stairs inside... DAN!" She sees me and rushes upstairs for a hug.

"Hey Louise, I missed you too." I say, happy to see her again. Louise is one of my best friends, and that makes what I have to do a lot harder.

"Phil said that you guys have something important to tell me. I am curious."

"Its more like something I wanted to tell you, but yeah. I have no idea on how to start this." I finish my sentence as soon as my doorbell rings again. "Pizza is here, I'll go grab it." I say running down the stairs.

We sit on our lounge to eat, still silent, while I think on how to start the subject, and Phil notices that we dont have cups to drink the soda and goes pick it up. In less than a minute we hear a loud bang, the noise of glass breaking, and a loud scream coming from Phil. We run out to see what happened and notice that he smashed his face on the glass door of the kitchen coming out of it and dropped the three cups he had in his hand. I was about to ask if he was okay when a scream echoed in the house.

"DADDY!" Cryied Lizzie running out of my room looking for me, running to my arms as soon as she found me.

"Hey baby girl, its okay, we arrived in Daddy's house, you are okay. Uncle Phil was just being a walking disaster and made the noise that woke you up, its okay, you don't need to cry." I asure her, hugging her to make the crying stop. "Do you want Miss Llama? Lets go grab Miss Llama, so she wont feel alone." We go back to my room, grab the plush toy and return to the kitchen area to check on Phil, and that is when my brain notices that Louise is standing next to the lounge door, watching me interacting with my daughter (that she didn't knew that existed until 5 seconds ago) for the first time. Phil was nowhere to be seen.

"Is Phil okay?" I ask worried.

"Yeah, he does have a cut in his hand, but I dont think its too big or deep. Who is this gorgeous little thing?" She asks looking at me kinda worried.

"Louise, this is Elizabeth. Lizzie this is dad's friend Louise." Is say pointing at them. Lizzie is still quietly sobbing but nods at Louise. I take a deep breath before saying the next sentence. “Louise, this is the reason we brought you here today. Lizzie is my daughter."

"Wait. What? Since when?" She sounds confused.

"Since the day I found out that her mom was pregnant, I was the father and I decided to be her dad. Four years ago." I explain, still standing in the middle of the corridor, afraid of Louise's reaction. “I’m sorry I’ve never told you, is just that me and her mom, we decided that it was better for her to grow up away from the crazy life I have. That included absolutely no one from youtube knowing about her. Except from Phil, but it’s not like I could hide from him since we were living together when I found out and everything happened.”

“Wait. You have a daughter that you’ve know of since forever, and in over 2 years of friendship you’ve never told me about her?”

“I’m sorry, I am, I just couldn’t. You know how I hate my life being out in the open for everyone, and how I like to separate my family from youtube and everything. If I told anyone about her I would be breaking my own rules, and her mom’s rules. I couldn’t do that. You know how our fans are, they are nuts, I couldn’t let Lizzie grow up in the middle of screams and cameras. I know you have Darcy, and you’ve chosen to let her be a part of your channel, but my fans would probably eat Lizzie and Clary alive if they found them going to the market.”

“And you know how the phandom gets when they have pictures of us with girls, can you imagine how they would act knowing that Dan has a daughter with a girl? They would probably explode.” Comment Phil, walking back into the lounge with a plaster in his hand. “Hey baby girl! Did you have a nice nap?” Asked my best friend, coming to get a quiet and shy Lizzie from my arms. “Why don’t we let daddy and Louise talk for a bit while I show you around the house, would you like that?” Lizzie agreed with her head, and went to Phil’s arms. “Let’s start with yours and daddy’s room!” He kinda scream jumping with her, making her laugh and me smile.

“He is great with her. You are too.” Commented Louise watching them leaving the room. “That kinda explains why you are so good with Darcy, and Emilia and Eduardo. Its just weird to imagine you as a parent. So the mom, Clary, why did you and her decided to let me know about Lizzie now? Are you going to introduce her to your audience? Are you getting married?Did you hide your relationship from me all this time too?”

“NO! No, no, no, I’m not doing that, I am not getting married, no no, no way.” I make sure to leave this clear, Lizzie won’t be on my channel, and Clary wasn’t my girlfriend. “Its a bit more complicated than that Louise, lets seat.” I say offering her to seat on the sofa with me. “Me and Clary, we met at uni, we were great friends, but we’ve never been more than that. We got drunk and we just made a one night mistake. We continued life as friends, she found out that she was pregnant, and we decided to do this together. She doesn’t have parents, so she moved to Reading to live around mine when we moved to London because of youtube and the radio. I tried my best to be as present as possible in Lizzie’s life, we talk every week one the phone, we Facetime, I go to her parties, but I couldn’t bring her here. A few days ago Clary got involved in a accident. She is in a coma, in the hospital. I went back home to take care of Lizzie, and figure things out, to see how Clary was going, but I found out that we can only hope for a miracle.” I stop, trying to hold my tears. “She is one of my best friends Louise. She is the mother of my daughter, she is such a great woman, such a fighter. She has been raising Lizzie, studying, working, fighting for a future for her and our baby girl. I always told her that I could take care of them, but she only lets me help with Lizzie, she is amazing. When I saw her, in that state, I knew I couldn’t let youtube and my crazy life stop me for being with Lizzie now that she needs me more than ever. I own them this. So I brought Lizzie with me.” I can’t hold the tears anymore.

“Hey, Dan is okay, everything is going to be fine.” Says Louise, hugging me. “So Lizzie is staying here, until Clary is okay?”

“Thats the idea. But me and Phil, we have so many things to do. I’ve been trying to cancel everything we can cancel, and call off other stuffs, but we still need to go to meetings and the radio show and stuffs. I can’t take Lizzie with me for these things, we can’t risk her being exposed. So Phil gave me the idea of calling you. I know I can’t ask you this, but you are my only choice Louise, I can’t call a nanny, if she is a fan everything goes down. I can’t ask my mom, she is staying on the hospital with Clary. I have no one else.”

“And you don’t need anyone else, of course I’ll help you! Darcy will love having a new friend. I’ll have to explain her that she needs to keep Lizzie in secret, but she will be okay with that. She is great with secrets. So tell me, what do you need?”

“Thank you Louise, you are amazing.” I say, hugging her tighter. “I need someone to watch her tomorrow, we have a meeting at BCC about the radio show and the tour. It will only take a couple of hours, I promise.”

“Thats okay. We can have a girl’s day. Do you plan telling anyone else about her? I was supposed to call Zoe tomorrow, but I can wait until I get back home.”

“I don’t think I have much more choice. I will tell Zoe, Alfie, Peej, Felix and Marzia I guess, maybe some people that might come here while she is around. You can talk to Zoe, just let me call her first. I don’t have words enough to thank you Louise. Thank you for not hating me.” I say, cuddling on her, like a kid.

“I would never hate you for putting such a beautiful kid in the world.” Louise say, at the same time my baby girl runs into the room with a Pikachu in her hands.

“Daddy! Look! Uncle Philly game me another Pikachu! One more for my collection.” Said Lizzie jumping on me, on the couch.

“That is great baby girl, maybe we should tell uncle Phil that he is not supposed to be giving away all his stuffed toys to you while you are here because you can’t fit them anymore in your house.” I answer, fitting her better in the couch next to me and Louise.

“OMG she calls Phil uncle Philly, that is so sweet.” Said Louise in an admiration voice. “Hey sweetie, you can call me Auntie Louise if you want.” Continued my friend, noticing that Lizzie was starring at her.

“Can I really daddy? You told me not to call other people auntie and uncle unless you let me.” Asked me my baby girl.

“Yeah Lizzie, is fine, I’ll be introducing you to some new people and some of them will want you to call them aunt or uncle, so don’t worry okay?” I answer her. It was a choice me and Clary made a while ago, teach her not to call people like that because some people might not enjoy it very much. “This is auntie Louise, she will be taking care of you tomorrow for a couple of hours while Daddy works, okay?”

“Are you going to leave me like mommy?” Asked her way quieter this time.

“Of course not baby llama, I’ve told you this so many times, I’m not gonna leave you, but daddy needs to work, you know that. Tomorrow I’ll be out just for a while, and you two are going to have a lot of fun and you won’t even notice!”  I hug her tight and kiss her face a couple of times. “But now we are going to have dinner, right guys? Who’s hungry?” I ask, looking back to my friends, that were smiling looking at us.

“I am starving!” Said Phil, picking up the pizzas and organizing the food on our table.  

“Oh God me too!” Said Louise getting up from the couch and going to the table.

“You and I are going to wash our hands first little piggy.” I comment when Lizzie runs to the table but I hold her back. I grab her in the air making her laugh.

“I’m not a piggy, I’m a llama.” She comments trying to be a smart ass.

“Until you get your hands clean you are my baby pig.” I shake her more in the air. “We will be right back, you don’t need to wait on us.” I say to my friends putting Lizzie back on the floor.

“Good because that was not in my plans.” Answered Louise grabbing a pizza slice and biting a bit of it, making me and Phil laugh. I take Lizzie downstairs to wash her hands, and make a side note in my brain to find something to put next to the sink so she can climb safely to do this by herself. Our house is definitely not child proof. Once we go back to the lounge, Phil had placed a plate with tons of chicken wings (Lizzie’s favorite) next to the orange chair. My chair. I do not question that because it actually doesn’t matter, butI look at Phil wondering why he choose my chair of choice to Lizzie.

“Now that you are back being a llama, you can sit on your second favorite color chair Lizzie, I saved it specially for you.” Said Phil answering my silent question. Oh right, orange is her second favorite color, I knew that. Right? Yeah of course I knew that, it just skipped my mind. We all take the dinner time to talk, so Louise can know Lizzie better. When they engage in a conversation about dresses and hair colors I know they will be alright alone in the next day.

We finish dinner and go straight to the office to make Louise’s bed. We had invited her to sleep her even before asking her to take care of Lizzie, because we knew that the travel back to her place was long and we didn’t want her to do it alone at night. It was only half past seven but Lizzie was almost falling asleep standing, so I take her down to the bathroom again so I can give her a bath, I brush her hair, brush her teeth, and we say goodnight to Phil and Louise so we can lay down and she can go to sleep.

I read her a couple more pages of Harry Potter before she cuts me to ask for Phil.

“Today is just the two of us baby girl. Uncle Phil has his own room, I’m sure he showed you that since he gave you his Pikachu.”

“But I want him too.” She says, really quiet, kinda understanding that she was not getting what she wanted that night, but still making a point.

“I know Lizzie, but he is tired, and we have a big day tomorrow at work, we have to let Uncle Phil sleep on his own tonight, okay? You can see him in the morning when you wake up.” I make clear for her.

“Okay… But can he sleep with us tomorrow?”

“If he wants to, yes. But you can ask him this tomorrow, now go to sleep, its for you to dream.” I tell her kissing the top of her head and turning the lamp on my bedside off.

“Goodnight daddy llama.” She says falling asleep, as quickly as closing her eyes.

“Goodnight baby llama.” I answer, kissing her again and leaving the bed, so me and Phil can work a bit before tomorrow comes.

I go back to the lounge to find Louise and Phil talking. For a moment I had forgotten that she was in the house.

“I just can’t believe that you are a dad.” Thats the first sentence she says as soon as I join them on the couch.

“I know the feeling, still kinda unbelievable for me even after all these years. And she is so amazing, so perfect, I can’t get around my head that she is a part of me, to be honest.” I answer, falling on my seat, going to my browsing position and grabbing my laptop that was chilling on the side.

“You are right to hide her from the fans. If they saw the way you look at her, and take care of her, and smile at her at the little things that she does, all your fans ovaries would explode. And if they didn’t have ovaries they would grow some just to explode them too.” She jokes, making me smile.

“Yeah, that is why I am keeping Lizzie in secret, I don’t want my fans to go infertile.” I joke back, laughing.

“That is pretty good excuse you can use if one day they find out that you’ve been lying to them all these time, to be honest.” Says Phil from over his laptop.

“Yeah, of course, if that was going to work. They are going to come for your heads, but thats okay, it will be for a good reason. Darcy will be so excited to meet Lizzie, your girl is just perfect, and lovely, and they will be great friends, you will see.” Comment Louise, petting my hair. “I used to think of you as my baby sometimes, I like to imagine that I take care of the two of you even if you don’t need, and even when I’m not that older than you two, but now my baby has a baby, and I feel emotional.”

“Please don’t cry. I’ve been a mess the past few days, if you cry I will cry too, and I really need to work.” I say really quick, but cuddling at her side.

“We got a tour to handle. Have you though about what you wanna do?” Asks Phil, in a more serious note.

“We can’t call it a quit. I think we can post pond it, until the end of April or something like that.” I check my calendar to answer him. “We can start with the Playlist one, and work from there until VidCon. If Clary is not okay until then, at least Lizzie will be more used to be without her, and we can try to fit some visits on the calendar or take my mom and her with us to some of the places. As long as they stay away from us, I don’t think people will recognize my mom.”

“I think its pretty safe to say that they won’t. And we can make sure to put them in different flights, and make them check in the hotel earlier than us, so we don’t have many problems.”

“Please take her to Playlist. Or VidCon. Tyler will pass out. Everyone is going to go crazy, trust me.” Said Louise, getting really excited.

“I don’t know if I want her to be in the middle of all that mess, Louise. There are too many vlogging cameras, and crazy fans, and some smaller and less famous youtubers that still don’t understand the price of fame. I don’t think we should take that risk.” I try to be polite about it. “Its not that I don’t want my friends to meet her, its just that I don’t want her to meet that side of my life. I don’t want it to be her life.”

“I understand. Its just that you can’t keep her in a cocoon forever Dan. One day you will need to let her out in the world, and it will be way more dangerous if she is raised in a bubble, away from the real life. Anyways, enough from the ‘how to raise your kid’ talk, I just remembered that you still need to call Zoe and tell her the news. I wont pressure you to do this, I know its hard and scary, but she will be really excited about it, and I know you need some excitement in your life right now.”

“Yeah, I know. And I love Zoe, if I’m going to start loosing the fear I have over sharing Lizzie, I’m glad I’m starting with the two of you.” I say, grabbing my phone. “Should I FaceTime her?”

“You should text her first, she will be creeped out if you just FaceTime her from nowhere.” Comment Phil, not taking his eyes from his laptop. I do that, and in a couple of minutes, she is calling me on FaceTime, and just like that, I am terrified again.

Part 5 

“MOMMY! COME BACK MOMMY!” Screamed Lizzie, waking up Phil and I. I got up really quick and grabbed my daughter that was sobbing crying sitting on the bed in the middle of Phil and I.

“Hey, hey, baby girl, whats wrong?” I asked her, pulling her to my chest so she could sit on my lap.

“Daddy! I don’t want you, I want mommy.” Cried her, trying to leave my embrace. I let her go, and she kneels in the bed, looking for something. “Where is Miss Llama? I want Miss Llama, mommy gave me Miss Llama for when she is not with me. Where is it daddy?”

“I think I saw it downstairs, I’ll go look for it, okay?” Said Phil, getting up. I should be feeling bad for Lizzie waking him up, but I was just worried about the fact that she didn’t want me.

“Phil is going to bring your llama, baby girl. Come back here.” I say, opening my arms, waiting Lizzie to come back to me, she waits for a few seconds, and give up, coming back to my embrace. “What is wrong? Did you have a bad dream? ” I ask, worried. She agrees with her head. “Want to tell me what happened? Maybe daddy can help you.”

“Mommy was telling me that she had to go, she looked beautiful, she had big white wings and a flower crown, but she was walking away, and leaving me behind. I wanted to go with her, but she wouldn’t take me. She said that I should stay with you, that one day she would come back to pick me up. Where is mommy going?” She asks, sobbing. My brain was still trying to wrap around something to answer to my 4 years old daughter that wouldn’t hurt her feelings, and Phil came back to the room, with a small yellow teddy llama, and gave to Elizabeth. “Thank you Uncle Philly.”

“No problem baby girl, I think Miss Llama was feeling lonely downstairs, she was on the couch by herself.” Said Phil, sitting on the edge of one side the bed. I noticed that he still had his jeans, and lenses on, he was not ready to sleep when we went to bed.

“Miss Llama doesn’t like to be alone.” Agreed Lizzie, putting her head on my chest, leaning on my, hugging the teddy. “Where is mommy, uncle Philly?” Asked her, turning her big brown eyes to my best friend. Phil looked at me, asking with his eyes for some help to answer that.

“She is in the hospital, remember? I told you that she is sick, and she has to stay there for a few days, like you when you had your tummy ache. “ I answer quick, saving Phil from the question.

“And she is going to have a lot of jelly, right?” Asks her, starting to fall asleep again.

“Yes, she is going to have a lot of jelly, just like us tomorrow.” I answer, laying down with her still wrapped in my arms.

“Can uncle Philly have jelly with us too?” Is the last thing she says before falling asleep again.

“If he wants to.” I answer, looking at Phil. He is staring at the two of us, wrapped around each other, laying in the middle of the bed. He agrees with his head and smile at us. Phil wouldn’t say no to jelly, he is addicted to it.

“Thank you for picking up her teddy bear, I’m sorry she woke  you up.” I say after a while we were just staring at each other and Lizzie sleeping. “You know that I never wanted to suck you into this whole thing, but thank you for always being around me, around us, to help.”

“You don’t have to apologize or thank me Dan, in the minute she wrapped her little fingers around my hand the day she was born and you put her in my arms I was done too. I know it’s kinda weird and messed up, but I sometimes feel like she is a little piece of me too. You know I would do anything to protect her. You are my best friend, and you, Clary, and even me, we were all basically kids when she was born, we hold on to each other, to make her life better. Or you really think I would let you destroy this little girl’s life with swearing, cheese, Kanye West, and High School Musical? Someone had to teach her how to eat dry cereal from the box and give her a hamster so she can breed them and make some money in middle school.”

“You are not giving a hamster to my daughter.” I say, meaning it. “Oh common, she lives in a house, she can have a hamster, there is no landlord to say she can’t.” Jokes Phil, smiling with her tongue poking to one side.

“The landlord is not the problem Phil! Those animals have souls too! How would you feel if you were trapped on a cage running in a wheel for the rest of your life?”

“Well, maybe we are! Maybe we are trapped in this wheel, doing the same thing over and over again, while aliens observes us and make notes about our behavior, and one day they will take us out of this meaningless life circle and gives a purpose in life.”

“See! Even you agree that a life on a cage is meaningless. No more discussion here, you are not giving a hamster to my daughter.” I say, pulling Lizzie closer to me, and grabbing my phone to check the time. “You should change, its only 2am, its not gonna be comfortable to sleep in jeans for the whole night. You can use my bathroom if you want, there are some pj’s pants on the top drawer if you didn’t bring any.” I say, noticing that he is still in the same spot, sited in the corner of the bed, looking completely uncomfortable.

“Thank you daddy.” Joked Phil. It was probably supposed to sound like a joke, about the way Lizzie calls me, but it kinda sounded dirty and Phil noticed it, leaving the bed laughing at me. I grabbed his pillow and threw it across the room, hitting him in the head. “Fuck Dan!” Screamed Phil, covering his mouth when he noticed what he had said, and that he had screamed and almost woke up Lizzie.

“Mind your language around my daughter, Mr. I-don’t-swear-Lester.” I say, trying to sound serious, but laughing at him too. Phil grabbed a pj on the top drawer and was leaving the room.

“Where are you going?”

“To the spare room, to sleep. Its 2am, some of us actually like to sleep before 4am.”

“The spare room sucks. Dad didn’t have time to pick up the big mattress from the storage room, the bunk-bed barely fits a kid on it, and the sheets are probably old and dirty. You can stay here with me, this bed probably fits 5 of us, and Lizzie will feel better to wake up with you here.” None of these reasons were a lie, but they weren’t the only reason why Dan wanted Phil there. With everything happening, Dan was not feeling very well himself, he needed support, and Phil was his best friend, the person he trusted the most in his life. “I will feel better with you here. Please?”

“Okaaay…” Answered him rolling his eyes, but I knew that inside he was glad to be able to help. “Hey, why can you sleep in t-shit and boxers and I have to put pjs on?”

“Well, you don’t have to, I just though you would like too. My mom always burst into the room in the middle of the morning to wake Lizzie up for breakfast, but it’s not like she is not used to walk on me half naked with someone in my bed. That sounded weird, ignore that. The thing is, is up to you, just please don’t sleep naked around my daughter, I’m trying to keep her mind pure until she is at least 15.”

“Isn’t 15 a little too young yet? Most parents want to keep their kids pure until 21.” Says Phil, taking his pants off in the middle of the room, we were both used to each other walking only in our boxers around the house, so there was no problem there.

“We live in the 21st century Phil, its rare to find 13 years old that have never read smut fan fiction in life before. I am not that antiquate.” I comment, trying to readjust myself in the bed, to make more comfortable to my little girl to fit in the arc between my arm and chest. “Why are you putting my pjs pants on?” I ask, while he tries to fit his leg into the pants leg without holding anywhere and trying not to fall. He fails miserably and falls butt first in the floor. I try to hold my laugh, so I wont wake up anyone in the house, and almost fail at it, but I was able to control because of Lizzie shifting in my arms.

“You might be used to your mom walking into your room with you naked in the bed with people, but I prefer to be dressed if aliens decide to abduct me in the middle of the night for experiments, thank you.” Answers him, siting on the floor, finishing to put clothes on. Phil stands up and goes to his bag, to get his glasses from his backpack and moves to the bathroom to take his lenses off. A few minutes after he climbs back in the bed with his glasses on. “You never told me how Clary is actually doing. Did you talk to your mom after we felt asleep?”

“Yes, I did.” I said, checking Lizzie to be sure she was asleep before continuing. “She has tons of broken bones, a lot of bruises on, and a lot of trouble breathing. She is surviving only trough machines basically. Mom didn’t have much info to give me, but the final word I have is that the doctors don’t believe that is much more they can do, and only a miracle can save her. I am scared. With all this info, and this crazy feelings and dreams Lizzie is having with Clary, I don’t know if there is any hope at all for her. Kids are weird mate, they feel things we don’t feel, they know things we don’t know, and I am really scared that we are going to loose Clarisse.” I said, trying to control my breathing, so i wouldn’t cry. Phil pushed himself closer to me and Lizzie and hold my hand that was around my daughter’s body. “I’m scared of what happens after. I know Riley won’t try to take Lizzie from me, and I know that mom and dad would totally take care of her, raise her, but I can’t let them do that. I can’t let Lizzie loose her mom and live without both of us through her whole childhood. But at the same time I can’t just push her into our lives, and let her grow up in the craziness of youtube and radio shows. I don’t know what to do.” By now I am not able to control the crying anymore, and tears are falling down my face.

“Hey, Dan, don’t worry about it. Not now. We don’t know what is going to happen. Maybe a miracle is going to happen and Clary will be fine by next week, running around their garden, playing in the snow. We never know. And if it comes to it, you won’t have to take care of Lizzie by yourself. You have me, you have your mom, and we have our friends. I know that putting Lizzie into the world of youtube is scary and crazy, but maybe its going to be good for her. If she is surrounded by the amazing friends that we have, maybe she will be okay. We don’t have to introduce her to our fans, not now, but we can introduce her to our friends, and she will be loved by everyone. She got us wrapped in her little hands, she will have them all around her fingers in seconds. Maybe you are too worried about protecting her from the world, that you don’t see that you are excluding her from it. She needs more human interaction, and if she looses her mom, she will need more people around to love and protect her. It will be fine Dan, everything will be okay. You will see.” Said Phil, hugging me - and Lizzie that was between us - with one arm, in the bed.

Phil had one point, even if I didn’t want to look at it and consider it for a while, it kinda made sense. For the moment I just wanted to sleep and forget, to have a few hours to live in the world of dreams, on the highest clouds in the sky, or diving on the deep waters of the ocean. Away from life, away from responsibilities. And I felt the sleep coming to me, in the warmth of Lizzie and Phil’s arms.

I dreamed about PlaylistLive, about having my friends around me, but it was different this time. Me, Phil and Louise were sitting on a couch, on the backstage, watching Lizzie, Darcy, Emilia and Eduardo running around us, having fun.  Everyone else was there too. Zoe and Alfie, Joe, Caspar, Jim, Tanya, Marcus, Tyler, Cat, Connor, Troye, everyone was around, watching the kids, laughing with us. Lizzie was happy, on her black dress and green boots, she was loving it. It made me happy, it made me feel better.

I woke up feeling a lot better about life, than when I went to sleep. I might have been because of the good dream I had about my daughter and my friends, or because I woke up having my baby girl and Phil around my arms. Mine and Phil’s relationship has always been kinda of a messy “we don’t talk about it” thing, but has always worked perfectly for us. We never get too worried about getting too touchy with each other, or being too needing of each other, and we never had problems with our friendship level. Everything always worked pretty fine between us, and that was the beauty of it. In the end we were family, no other labels needed in the middle of it.

Lizzie started to move around a little bit, trying to leave our embrace, waking up. I knew my mom was 5 minutes from crashing into our room, and she would have some things to talk about the way me and Phil where crushing Lizzie in the middle of us, but I didn’t care. I needed them close to me, so I could survive trough this day.

“Good morning baby llama.” I whispered quietly to my girl, trying no to wake Phil up, in the end it was just 9am, and he deserved more sleep time. I was worried about how Lizzie would be feeling today, on how she was going to be dealing with everything this morning, so I tried to give her space to wake up and think a little bit, and let her answer me when she was ready.

“Good morning daddy bear.” Answered her, giving me a kiss on the cheek. “I’m hungry daddy, can we have jelly for breakfast, like mommy?” And there she was, strong, happy, cute as always. I don’t know what I did to deserve such an amazing kid, but I was happy for her existence.

“I am not sure if we can. Lets go ask grandma what she did for breakfast, should we?” I ask, trying to get up without waking Phil up. After being successful on it, I took my daughter out of the bed and moved us to the restroom, so we could brush our teeth. All done and she just run out of the room, looking for grandma, really excited about the day.

“DADDY! Grandma made cereal! Come eat with me!” Screamed my little girl from downstairs, waking up Phil.

“Good morning sleeping beauty. Breakfast is ready. We should go eat, I want to go to the hospital before it gets too crazy and people are able to recognize us.” I say, trying to fiz my hobbit hair in the mirror.

“I’ll be down in a sec, just need to put some clothes on.” He said leaving the bed and facing me on the mirror. Phil was always able to see trough my eyes into my soul. “Everything will be okay Dan, we will go through this together, I promise you.” And with those words, he made my morning even better, and I was good to leave my room and face reality again. I was ready to face my daughter’s mom, and decide our future.