#mlbl

“You don’t understand Adelaide, that kid won’t have a normal life, not living with them! She needs a safe, normal house, with a mom and a dad, and all the support she might need. He can’t provide her that. He wants to put her into a small prision-like apartment, with two men that act like teenagers, in the middle of the craziest, loudest, city in the country, to live in their bachelor lifestyle. Or even worse, if they are not telling us something.”

“And there you go again, with this homophobic crap. They are not dating Peter, they are not a couple, and even if they were its none of your business. They might be bissexual and live together but that doesn’t make them a couple. And if they were, that would be even better for Lizzie. She loves Phil, he is great with her, he has been a second father for her during her whole life, don’t you think that she sees him as father too? Phil has been there for her since day one, just like Dan. Elizabeth never had only a mother and a father, she always had a mother and two fathers. You know that she will be happier with them, than here. I know that you’ve never accepted Daniel’s sexuality, and you keep telling yourself that is just a phase and that he is not serious about it, but you have to start accepting that your son is bi. And, as shocking this might sound for you, that doesn’t change the fact that he is a great, loving, worried father, that will move mountains and oceans for his daughter.”

“I won’t let my granddaughter grow up thinking that its normal to have two fathers. She needs to know that the socially accepted family is formed by a mother, a father, and the kids. Not this freak modern “families” that the world tries to push down on our guts. Daniel is an adult and he can do whatever he wants with his life, but he is not going to take Elizabeth down on this road. She needs a mother and a father to grow up with.” I look at Phil and he is staring at me. I can feel his heartbeat in our hands attached together, his heart it’s beating fast and strong. Phil is stressed. I try to calm him down but rubbing his hand, while I get out of the bed trying not to wake Lizzie up. I tell him to stay there and I move towards my mom’s room. I feel the blood pumping into my head, and I see red with anger.

“Thats the thing father, she doesn’t have a mom anymore. She will never have this perfect “normal” home that you keep coming back to in your speech. Phil and I are all that she gets from now on, so I’m sorry to say, but that will have to be enough.” I say pushing myself trough their door, taking a deep breath before talking again. “While you are in the subject, I hope you understand that I don’t expect you to accept or respect me and my sexuality, even though you should, but I do expect you to respect Phil. Phil and I have been friends for almost seven years now, we have been trough a lot of things together, Clary’s pregnancy and Lizzie’s life included, and we did get closer than friends during this time, but this isn’t your business, and you shouldn’t worry about it. And while I’m already used to be the shame in your life, I’m getting tired of all this bullshit you keep saying in my back since I was brave enough to tell you about my sexuality almost four years ago.” I take another deep breath before turning to my mother. “I’m sorry you have do deal with his bullshit because of me. Thank you for everything, but I think we will be moving back to London today, you should go say bye to Lizzie.” I tell her, giving her a hug, before turning back to my dad, and she leaves the room.

“You don’t get to make this decision. You…” I cut his words before he gets deeper in his shit.

“I do get to make this decision. I do get to move MY child to MY house, that I pay with MY money, from MY job, and YOU don’t have a word on it. You don’t get to make any decisions in my life. As you said, I am an adult and I can do whatever I wanna do with my life. Lizzie is the biggest part of my life, so thats settled. Goodbye Father.” I say leaving the room, without giving him time to scream at me again. I move back to my room and I find Phil packing some of our stuffs, while my mom talked to a sleepy Lizzie on the bad. I’m glad Phil knows me this well. “Don’t worry about my stuff, I have enough back home. Just call the car, I’ll grab Lizzie’s bags and we can go home.” I tell him, that stopped doing his packing to look at me.

“Dan you don’t have to go right now, I’ll talk to your dad, you know that he didn’t mean half of those things he said.”

“Mom, I don’t wanna fight you too. I love you for defending me and Phil and for believing in us, but both of us know that he meant every single word he said. He has been saying those type of things for years, and I don’t expect him to change soon. At the same time, I don’t have to be here to hear it all. He can say all the shit he wants, as soon as I leave his roof.” I put my hand in her shoulder to show that I am okay. “Take Lizzie to say bye to everyone, we are leaving in 15 minutes.” I tell her, before moving back to Phil and help packing.  My mom leaves the room with Lizzie in her arms, Phil moves towards me and hugs me. I hug him back as strong as I can. I needed that.

“You will be okay. I promise you. I’m here for you, I won’t let got. We will do this together.” He says. We stay like that for a few moments, and then we are back on packing. In less than 12 minutes we are all packed, bags in the car, Lizzie in her car seat, and we are moving back home.

Phil sleeps trough the whole drive home, trying to get over his car sickness. I take the time to talk to Lizzie tring to explain to her about how she was going to move schools and she might stay home for a while, and she looks confused. I decide to talk about it with her later, so I spend the rest of the way reading a little bit more of Harry Potter to her until we get home. Our house is freezing. I take Lizzie to my room and leave her bags there, Phil is turning the heater on, so I work on the fireplace, until we get a cozy lounge to lay in. Its only 9pm, but it feels like 10 days has passed since the funeral. I’m tired, emotionally drained, a crusty dry sponge in need of moisture, so when I fall asleep in the middle of Big Hero 6 with Lizzie all over me, it’s not a big surprise.

“You really should go to bed.” Says Phil, taking an sleeping Lizzie from my arms, waking me up. “I just made your bed for you and Lizzie.”

“You didn’t have to.” I answer, trying to get up. “You could have just waken me up.” “Thats alright. I was recording a video, I finished earlier than I thought, so I had time.”

“I really need to work on a video.”

“You don’t have to, if you don’t want to. But yeah, the fans are worried already.”

“They are always worried or wondering about our lives.” I comment, as he puts Lizzie down on the bed. “You’re not sleeping here tonight?” I ask when I see that he made a little fort with pillows around one of Lizzie’s side.

“I’ll edit for the biggest part of the night, and I don’t think I’ll be a good company today, to be honest. But if you need me, you can always find me across the corridor. You know I wont kick you out of the bed if you try to join me.” He gives me a little smile before going out of the room. I worry about the way that Phil is acting, but  I don’t judge, we’ve had a pretty bad day and all I want to do is pass out and stop worrying about life. I take a little bit of time choosing my clothes, and I make sure Lizzie is safe before heading down stairs for a shower. I take my time, trying to wash off all the bad things of the past few weeks, and the funeral earlier today, off my body. I work on relaxing before heading to bed to sleep it off and renewing my energies. I put my Pooh onesie and I fall asleep before even opening Tumblr on my phone.

The next day isn’t easier or harder. Mom calls to ask how we are and talk to Lizzie. My baby girl is acting fine, she is sad but that doesn’t stop her from playing with me and Phil the whole day. Phil cooks for us, and I clean the mess, we talk and watch cartoons, Lizzie sleeps and Phil goes back to his room. He is distant and weird, but I assume it’s just because of Clary. I’m sad, distant, and weird too, so that’s not a big deal right now. The week passes without much happening. The fans were going crazy, so I post a video about memes, joking about my life when I think that there is nothing else to laugh about on it. I make a live show when Phil takes Lizzie outside in our little back garden, to play around. Louise calls and ask about everything, I try to explain it to her, but it hurts too much. We talk about schools and she promises me that she will help me find the best option for Lizzie. We decide that she will only be going back to school when the new school year starts. I try to be strong and responsible, but I feel weak and alone. Phil hasn’t really been there. Its really late when I decide to confront him about that.

“You promised me. I never thought that you would break that promise.” I say, when we are both watching an episode of Free! on the TV.

“What are you on about?”

“You promised that you would be here for me, no matter what, and you haven’t. You have been distant. You don’t sleep in my bed anymore, you don’t wait us to eat breakfast even though you’ve cooked it, you don’t make funny jokes and comments during our animes nights. I don’t understand. I thought you would take care of me, in the moment I need you the most, but all you do is make me feel alone when we are together. I’m hurting and it doesn’t feel like you care.” I say focusing on the floor in front of me. I don’t wanna look at him.

“Have you ever stopped to think that I am hurting too? That I need space and that’s why I’m keeping a little bit of distance right now? Have you stopped to think about the fact that your bed here is really small compared to the one in Reading, and it doesn’t fit both of us with Lizzie on it? I need to feel good in order to help you get better Dan, but I need to have space to put my thoughts in order so I can get better myself, I won’t be able to think right when the three of us are smashed together in your bed. And don’t you dare saying that I haven’t been here for you. I make sure you are eating, that you took a shower, that you work, that your daughter is fed, that she showered, that she is laughing and having as much fun as possible, while you look like a robot zombie walking around the flat without seeing the day light for over a week. I love you Dan and I’m trying my best to help you, but I’m feeling lost and lonely too. The grief is here for both of us, not only you, I’m just trying to get over it by myself, so you don’t have to feel both of our pain, as I have been feeling since day 1.”

“You don’t have to pass trough it alone. I thought we were going to do it together. You’ve offered to help me out and be here for me, I didn’t think you needed me to offer it back to you, I thought it was obvious. None of us have to pass trough it alone, that’s why we are here back home, so we can have each other. That is why I told Louise to tell PJ and everyone else about it, so if we need someone else, we have our friends to reach. The way you have been doing it, it doesn’t work. You are making me sad, you are suffering, none of us is really living right now. I miss my friend Phil.”

“It’s time to realize that none of us is going to be the same as we were before.” He says, looking in my eyes for the first time since the beginning of our conversation.

“That doesn’t mean that we have to be worse than before. We can be better, right?”

“Yes, we can be better. But thats the point, we need time to get better. You can’t come in here asking for an explanation when I’ve been doing my best since the beginning. I just needed a break so we can move on. I just hope you understand that.” He says, holding my face so I couldn’t move my eyes from his. I know then that I’m wrong on being mad at him, when we are in fact in this together, just dealing with things differently. I feel bad for asking of him more than I should.

“I do. I just missed you.” I say trying to move closer to him, in a way to say sorry. We are hugging each other on the couch.

“I was here all along.” He made sure to assure me while moving his arms around my torso. “Come on, lets go to bed. I’ll go make a pillow fort around the other side of Lizzie and you sleep with me today, I think we could use that.”

“I think we could. I’ll brush my teeth and I’ll meet you in your room then.” I say, getting out of our hug. Before leaving the room I turn back to Phil to say one more thing. “I’m sorry I judged your friendship skills.”

“Thats alright, I’d be judging yours too.” He smiled, leaving the room. I moved to the bathroom to brush my teeth and prepare for bed. I made sure to check on Lizzie and giving her one more blanket before crossing the hallway to enter Phil’s room. The door is open and he is sat on the bed reading one of his Stephen King’s books.

  “Haven’t you finished that last year?” I ask, making conversation while getting under his blankets.

“Yep, but I’m reading it again, there are still a few parts that I can’t quite understand, this is just too much for my brain to assimilate in one reading.” He has his glasses on, and seems really focused in his book, so I try to be quiet. I’m moving around trying to get comfortable, but I just can’t. Phil notices it. “Something wrong?”

“I don’t know, I can’t get comfortable. It feels weird not having Lizzie cuddling up to me.” I say, sitting on the bed.

“Do you wanna go back to your room?” He asks, putting the book aside, turining the bed side light off, and slipping under the sheets.

“Not really. She kicks a lot.” I lay down again, turning my body to face him.

“Do you want me to cuddle up to you? I’m a little bit bigger than Lizzie, but that might make you more comfortable.” He offers, turning his head to look at my face. I agree with my head.

“Yeah, I think that would help.”

“Come closer then.” He says, passing an arm around my waist and pulling me closer to his body. I feel him cuddling up to me, his head under my chin, and I automatically feel warmer, a little bit happier. His body is molding around mine, and I pass my arms around him, to keep him in place. It feels normal, it feels good. “If I call you daddy, would that make you happier?” He jokes, I can hear his smile in his voice.

“Calling me daddy might lead both of us to a happy end, if you know what I mean.” I joke back, trying to hide the blush in my face that came with that thought.

“You and I both know that I would be daddy, and you would be the crying baby.” He strikes back, making me laugh.

“Thats really funny Phil. You might be older, but we both know that I’m the daddy here. I’ve never been the one to beg and cry for milk.” I wink, and then realize that he can’t see that I’m winking. “I’m winking, by the way.” He laughs.

“Thanks, good to know that you are winking, that means that you are still awake.” He tries to move the direction of the conversation that he started, we were getting too far, with the lower inhibitions caused by the need of sleep. “We really should sleep though. Lizzie passed out early today, we are going to be up before we can fall into our third dream.” His voice is starting to sound distant and my brain isn’t really functional right now. His bed is comfy, warm, and his body against mine makes me feel like I’m in a personal safe bubble, so I can’t really control what I’m think or saying in this moment.

“I don’t need a third dream, I have you.” And that’s the last thing I say before falling asleep.