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Gosh sometimes I get so done with current cultures need to play this or that and disparage whatever they didn’t pick (yes I’ve done it too I’m not saying I’m innocent here) just culture needs to remember both/and
For instance I like
Both this
And this
Both Him
And Him
Both
And
Both
And
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Train of thought
Sometimes I forget that everyone else on this website is, in fact, a human being and that the fact that people will actually willingly interact with me isn't some kind of joke or me being crazy
It's fascinating
But also
Sometimes I just forget I'm a person, you know? I kinda just get lost in everything constantly happening around me and then sometimes it just hits me like a ton of bricks and it's just like
Oh
I'm a human
I'm going to die one day and nobody is going to remember me
And sometimes all it takes for this existential horror to arise is just seeing a vein under the skin
The idea of death is both horrifying and fascinating, isn't it? The idea of non-existence is just impossible for our miserable brains to comprehend.
But anyway the thing is
Even if I do establish real relationships with people I can just never...? Feel it
I mean yeah I feel emotions and crap so it's not anything like that but it's like... I don't feel any sort of connection to people, like, at all. I mean, yeah, if I like you I like you but you're ultimately disposable and if you piss me off I can and will get over it in less than 48 hours. There's never anything that people say should be there.
There's never some sort of feeling of belonging or like "I feel connected to these people, these are my people" or a sense of friend like
Now there's my sister, granted, but she's a special case because we've been through Some Shit™ together so that's just that
Maybe, now that I think about it, that's why I'm so desperate for romance. To see if I can form some kind of deeper bond with anyone other than a family member.
But, of course, what makes me think this is a thing that isn't normal? I suppose it could be.
But it just doesn't feel right. I should be feeling something more than a vague and passive fondness, shouldn't I?
Maybe I am just bat-shit crazy!
tw for religious mentions in a negative light . sorry
I feel out of the ordinary when it comes to ‘religion’. I know heaven and hell exist. But anything else I don’t want to believe
Stop telling me I am wrong
God does not love me! I will not turn to someone that has never truly ‘saved’ me!
I did ALL this work myself! No help was given to ME.
I ALONE WAS THE ONE WHO HELPED MYSELF! NO ONE ELSE WOULD AND CERTAINLY NOT YOUR GOD!
orion i am going to fucking throttle you if you don't stop being an imbecile. you are so deeply headache inducing, and frankly i hope you see this post later. dipshit.
Dread (on Wattpad) https://my.w.tt/aeVolAd4xM Art
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Basic Rejection
The kids didn't like something about me.
So they disapprove.
They do not talk to me.
Loved one disapproved of me.
Could stop talking to me while I'm not being good. Will they still love me?
Good things, happy people!
Loners die faster.
Very grim. Faster. Alone.
Alone feels bad. No one to see.
Boring. Quieter.
Is that death?
That's what they see.
Peaceful, quieter.
I'm not ready to die. Someone love me.
Warmer, happier.
I fear the alone and quiet.
Darker. No one. Only yourself.
That is why we fear death.
Alone. Judgement. Nothingness.
Nothing can hate me more than myself.
Surrender. No control. Nothingness.
Is living hell?
Light. Hell. Pain.
Pain brings nothingness.
Pain? Forever? Eternity?
A printer drones.
Distant.
Nothing is.
Nothing was.
We are.
The end.
The songs are a sucker punch, a reminder right in the jaw, look at everything you did, look at all the ways you hurt them, look at how you suffered - remember how you suffered? How you burned and longed and died, died every night and every morning because the future held nothing but loneliness and you knew it would be better to be dead but it would be faithful to live so you lived. You lived and burned, let the whole of your insides consume and perish, you fell in love and split yourself in two over it, God, you writhed under it because that pain was inescapable and eternal and devastating. You loved her and she left you at the altar, you loved her and she made you her puppet, you loved her and it wasn't enough and you should've thrown your faith at His feet and just fucked her because what the hell did any of it matter? None of it mattered, it was suffering and dying and waking up each morning just to die again with the sun. And now it's the songs that sucker punch you back to living that way, living dead, just for a moment, just for three minutes and some odd seconds and it's rage and pain and you want to take her by the jaw and scream in her face and you want to know why why why it wasn't ever good enough and why why why she wanted you dead so badly but you can't because it isn't real because she's not here the songs are just a ghost and it's alright because none of it mattered after all.
