#pam rambles

Bradley and Jake were a thing a long time ago. It all ended because Jake was ready to be more, but Bradley wasn't ready for that. (Something, something about losing so much that you end up afraid of having anything because you could lose it all again.) His insecurity made him lash out, it was ugly.

Then the mission happened. And Bradley died.

But, more mature and all that, he decided to wait for Jake and win him over so they can spend Eternity together.

He waits years.

When Jake finally comes, he look like when they were young and in love - like the time when he was the happiest.

Jake hugs him tight. Then punches him.

there is no universal timeline for human growth and development. yes we are put through education at certain ages but even that is flexible (I was skipped past kindergarten so I was a year younger than everyone in my classes). you can take a gap year after high school before college or not even go to college. you can be an introvert and not enjoy going out in your 20s -- and you shouldn't force yourself to just because you believe that's you're "supposed" to do. just because other folks your age may enjoy the thing doesn't mean you have to do it if it sounds repellent to you.

I beg you to think about whether you actually want or need to do the thing that you think society expects of you. you don't have to have kids if you don't want. you don't even have to get married if you don't want!

I never, ever got the point of going out partying or dancing. I'm not a sociable person. I would rather have a quiet night at home or with a few close friends than in a strange place full of nothing but strangers. getting out of my comfort zone HAS been worth it and there are times you should push yourself. but you don't have to be on the same timeline as everyone else. you're allowed to chart your own course.

I can't say I'm a perfect example because here I am at 51 with no job and no career training, no real idea where to go from here, but I've done interesting stuff nonetheless. do I regret not finishing college? sure. could I go back and finish it? probably, actually! (even though I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up...) but I never wanted to be a mom, never really found someone I truly wanted to be married to -- though again, that's not to say I never found love.

new leaf on my monstera just unfurled!

dad brought me apricots from his garden

picked a bowel of berries (most of them literally baked on the bushes during the heatwave but there are still a few edible ones)

MIL sent me home with food to last me at least three days (everyone is taking such a good care of me, I'm so lucky!!!)

How did it I even find my way here?

Watched The Gorge, fell in love - went to ao3 - huh, not many fics - who's Bradley and Jake and why are there fics about them under this movie? - read a few - read some more - read a whole bunch of them - got a bit obsessed - reluctantly watched tgm - here I am.

I can't for the life of me take good photos but hey! I did a thing!

Another "tattoo" for my pants.

Inspired by i love you, it's ruining my (your) life by @hangmanbradshaw

Tagged by so many people, thank you!!! @texasteaparty @hexagonalstarmap @green-socks @sunmontuewrites @welcometololaland ♥♥♥

LAST SONG: Sibelius, concert for violin. (Yeah, I'm weird.) Found it through a johnlock fic years ago and it's been my go to whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed ever since. Beautiful piece of music.

CURRENTLY WATCHING: Anne of Green Gables 1985. Comfort.

CURRENT OBSESSION: Literally nothing. My energy levels are at all time low and my brain isn't currently capable of obsessing over anything. We're working on surviving here. What I'm planning on obsessing once my energy is back is:

1. finishing some of my wips while I still can (looking at you, dirty dancing au)

2. baby clothes sewing patterns (cough cough, wink wink)

3. homesteading. i'm already planning next year's garden and pantry.

CURRENTLY READING: Random library pick: Scarlett Wilková: Říkali jí kri-kri. (They called her kri-kri)

CURRENTLY WORKING ON: Surviving. The excited kind, I guess. (It's been really tough and I almost ended up hospitalized while also missing our family vacation, so possitivity is hard but I'm getting there.)

LAST GOOGLE SEARCH: What does the "cotton eyed" mean in the song Cotton Eyed Joe. Lol. It wasn't even for anything, just a genuine linguistic intrigue.

FAVOURITE FLOWER: Peonies! (Also roses and dahlias and like... all the flowers.)