#overattached

and i’m scared of getting close

cause’ the closest people to you

are the ones that hurt you most

"You never know, you may fall in love with a boy and feel the urge to stay. A lot can happen in 12 months"

Talking to my mom, I realised a lot of people are skeptical as to if I really will leave. If I will be able to go 6,000 miles away from my home. If I will be able to not see everyone I'm close to for 10 months. She tried explaining that I shouldn't tell myself I will leave, in case something happens, it won't be the end of the world. However, for the past 3 years I've had this indescribable desire to travel and to be in Europe. Going there this summer, I felt like that's where my heart was. I felt so happy and content, like nothing could stop me; I'd made it. It seems that's all I talk about now; my future. Living in Europe, leaving California, and what I'll do when I'm there. Leaving is on my mind 24/7. 

When I was driving home today, something hit me. I'm not sure I want to leave. I felt this pain in my chest, the pain of having to separate from the people who keep my heart beating. I have become so attached to these people who non-stop keep me laughing, smiling, happy, and in love with my life. Things that I used to dread, hated, or just didn’t like somehow became fun with these two. Being around them a lot has helped me realise the beauty in myself and them. They’ve helped me fall in love with myself, and thank God for who he’s made me. We talk all the time about leaving Fresno, and moving somewhere else. However, when reality hits, I realise we won’t be together in the future. I have this urge to move to Europe, and them Chicago. I’ve thought about this before, but it really hit me today; I only have one more year with them.  I always imagined years later, at least 4 years, we would have to finally separate. 4 years of being with them till that time comes. However, I’ve realised that those 4 years were shortened into 1 year. Thats 12 months left. 52 weeks left. 365 days left. 525,946 minutes left. 35 million heart beats left. This shortened time makes me wonder if I really do want to leave. I’m not sure I can deal without seeing their faces for a year. Not having their hugs, not laying on their chests, not seeing them laugh, not baking cakes with them, not having movie marathons with them, not having last minute adventures with them. Missing out on a year with them feels like i’m going to miss out on a life time. 

BOOM

Something makes you think about that one character.

You know. That character that makes your chest feel like it's been pressed into a space much too small. Like your heart is about to burst out and beat so ferociously that it gives out because this one character means more to you than anything else and just the thought of them makes you want to protect them and cry and laugh and write and draw and be everything they ever need and just immerse yourself in the existence of the words that linked together parts to make such a wonderful being that you will never be able to actually touch and hold and tell them how much they mean to you, how much they did for you.