#outtathisbinary

In fact, when I first came out & found my name, I allowed some people to call me by my birth name. I didn’t care, and that may be due to that I’m genderfluid. This hastily became a problem, as people who didn’t really respect my identity would solely use my deadname... Speaking candidly, I’m pretty pronoun indifferent. I don’t feel like I can be due to the same people, who would never affirm my gender with pronouns besides the ones typically used for my assigned sex. Now, I go by my chosen name and they/them pronouns. It’s easiest, and it’s how I’ve ended up feeling the most validated.

This is where I begin to get hung up.   Like I said, I don’t hate my deadname... Truthfully, I like it quite a lot. I think it’s beautiful; if it hadn’t been mine, and I wanted kids, I would love to name a child my own deadname. It makes me think of flowers, sunshine, & regality. It reminds me of really nice things.

In spite of all of this, my deadname has been weaponized against me; I can’t help but feel a sting when I hear it. Because I only go by my chosen name at this point, I know the choice to use my deadname is utterly intentional. If not, it is done without thinking about who I am today... This brings me to another point. Many trans people talk about how they are different from who they were & how the deadname can symbolize the death of their prior person. I don’t feel like that’s exactly the case with me. My past experiences are my experiences today. I didn’t transition and lose my trauma or moments of glee I went through previously. I feel like I’m looking back at a small, rambunctious child’s cishet existence with trans-tinted glasses on. I see things differently than I might have if I were cishet, but I still see myself.

That child, from years ago, may be a distant reminder of a past I’m not living currently, but I still see this past as my own. 

I’m more than able to legally change my name at this point. I’ve contemplated it. At times, I think that if I legally change it, my chosen name would have to be upheld. I wouldn’t face so much deadnaming. I wouldn’t feel like I have to come out in so many places. I could be affirmed in so many ways...

With that being said, what are the problems that I have with my old name? I struggle with the heavy gendering society put on it, making me feel like anyone who calls me that name only sees me as my asab. I don’t think a name has to be assigned to any gender. Names are just mouth sounds we correlate to someone specifically, or maybe multiple people. I don’t think that gender needs to be a part of that equation, even though I know it is.  I don’t hate my old name or past. I don’t think that I have too many problems with either. I don’t think I would have chosen a name if it weren’t for all of the pressure to change it, as well as the “accidental” transphobia. 

I don’t really think my deadname is my deadname. I revisit my past often. I don’t think I could put my past self, name included, in some metaphorical box underground. I don’t think I could dissociate from who I was before I learned who I am; I don’t think I’m that different. I only have a different name and pronouns...