Gendering Through Life

Leftists or left-leaning people are not going to make it through these next four years if we cannot stop the in-fighting and recognize nuance.

This whole debate I've seen about trans people who medically transition being the ones who face discrimination & not medically transitioning being a privilege seems (from the multiple posts I've seen on it) to really lack nuance and perspective.

There's no doubt that people who medically transition frequently face discrimination and can face more severe discrimination than others.

At the same time, I need people to know that even socially transitioning can put people at risk. It put me at risk, and I experienced physical violence for socially transitioning.

There are trans people (including nonbinary) who live in seriously backward places. I am one of them. I have not done any medical procedures, taken any hormones, or anything medical at all to transition. I use to present more "queer", playing with gender presentation, sometimes to the point of appearing "masculine". After multiple times of being harassed, I was threatened with a gun & knew I had to stop. All while never medically changing anything about myself. Of course, I'm not ignorant. I cannot imagine what it would be like for a black, visibly trans woman in my area. At the same time, that's why there aren't trans people here. The few trans people I've made connections with have left this area. When I tried to inquire about medically transitioning, no one knew what I was talking about. Even just asking about hormones, I was constantly transferred to womens' clinics with no notice because it was assumed I was a woman in need of more estrogen. When I tried to get a trans inclusive doctor, I was immediately medically marked as "female-to-male transgender". This doctor refused to hear me out about being nonbinary, tried to force me to take hormones, and when I rejected those hormones, he sent my prescription for birth control to a women's clinic (after he said he'd handle that scrip for me). After this, he even deflected my appointments to urgent care. Until recently, I had that female-to-male diagnosis on my patient chart. It was also stated I used he/him pronouns (not accurate, but still some trans visibility in my medical docs). Not a single medical professional in 7 years ever acknowledged that. The gynecologist didn't, nurses didn't, front desk attendants didn't, ER workers didn't, etc. I didn't even think that sort of thing was on my chart since no one ever acted like it was there.

This area is so bad, and it's only gotten worse under trump, that I've gotten to the point that I told my new doctor I was lying about being trans. That I was confused. Now, my female-to-male diagnosis is "resolved".

All I've been able to do is change my name. I can't mess with my presentation. People here (even so called leftists) have misgendered me because of my lack of medical transitioning or "looking like a woman".

While I'm not at all debating that trans people who are visibly trans face more discrimination, I also want these kinds of struggles and trans people to be seen. I wake up every day and have to be okay with both the fact that medically I can't transition even if I wanted to, and I can't even play with my gender presentation because it's so unsafe.

I wake up every day and am seen as someone I'm not, gendered as someone I'm not, with conversations and expectations happening around those ideas.

This can and does keep me safer than I was when I looked "queer". It also makes me feel so invisible and unseen. It's miserable being "stealth". There's privilege in that stealth, but it's also extremely damaging for the trans person who's hiding. I thought "I Saw the TV Glow" made it clear how much it hurts to not be your genuine self. That can and does apply to nonbinary people too. I hope the trans community as a whole isn't forgetting these things, or even overlooking them, while discussing trans-based discrimination.