#or the same

me and angel are different (or the same)

i cant with the bookstore anymore..i thought i should just be able to bear it cause its just two hours a week so no matter how awful i should just bear it right? And i thought i shouldnt give up this easily, if it can strengthen me, and not think a bad time as it being bad always. Its a very useful experience in small dose cant hurt right? And i should try to make the best as possible of it, i just need the right mindset! And if i cant manage fucking this, what workplace can i ever manage in the future? I always give up when it gets tough and that has given me nothing. I need to learn to cope with a regular workplace like an adult. I need to learn how to speak louder and confident and not stuttering and i need to learn not to have a stomachache from the smallest thing on the verge of a panic attack because im unsure what to do in a sitatuion and i need to learn not to ask questions for every fucking thing and learn to do things for myself. but i . Cant. Every instinct and feeling in me tells me to abandon this and never ever place myself in this situation again. In the past this would be the feeling i would listen to and i know that i probably should not but when every time im there it feels like its breaking and tearing me down instead of building me up and making me stronger. I swear that stuff is a myth. Well maybe not but maybe i need smaller doses of hardships, maybe i just cant carry this yet maybe i never will maybe it isnt a work environment i can ever function within. But maybe i can just change my mind and thinking and feeling will follow. I swear these two hours go so slow. And a person in charge of me at a governnment place asked me like oh those hours fly past so fast right? And without thinking i said yes. But the opposite is true. If i quit now she might think im changing my story. The exact thing she is supposed to look our for because it is they who give me my (very very meagre slave wage) pay. Theyre gonna be like oh so you are lying.