#open conversations

I am writing this letter today out of a growing concern for how things are addressed and policed within the alternative lifestyle communities.

I’m growing ever more uncomfortable as we have had others come to us many times, having either been put on “probation,” a soft ban, or outright removed from spaces, both in person or online, often with little to no knowledge or chance to defend

In one case, a “complaint” was filed neither by the 'offender' nor their supposed 'victim,' and neither of them were addressed or questioned before the verdict was handed to the offender. They had no knowledge that their motives, actions, or safety to the community was even in question.

Another person was sent a message,and permanently banned from an online for repeated violations, were told what said violations were, but went through their messages and saw no mentions of the sort in any of their conversations, which were the case for complaint. Which maybe that is on them for not fully understanding, but especially with how much crossover there is between these communities and neurodivergency, I feel like this may have been a case of miscommunication. This person was affected deeply by this, and it hurt us to see them then question every single interaction with us afterwards.

I have myself had someone speak negatively about me behind my back, to people not of leadership who at least reached out to follow up with me before anything happened. And I find it appalling that if that person had instead spoken to specific others first, I could have also lost what has become a close knit life line for myself and all parts of me.

Having experienced this, and feeling uncomfortable around this person it never occurred to me that I could just…. Talk about my unease and in some spaces they could have been removed. Which isn’t what I would have wanted.

Those who know us know that we have kept so quiet about those we may not agreed with, and our parting of ways that it was literally years, the entirety of COVID passing before they knew we had fully gone separately. We do not air our complaints of discomfort on an individual basis lightly.

We understand on the part of leadership, and those tasked with keeping our communities safe and inclusive, not giving out names for the safety of complainants or victims in case of retaliation. We aren't saying to drag the victims or those formalizing complaints through the mud, but we would hope and even insist that even if ever we had doubts about a person, my comfort, or well being around them, that their opinion and views of those accounts would also be addressed. Or at least they would have a chance to provide character witness, before, not after the fact.

I also know that there have been times when people have been reported, where we had been reached out to by the person making the report, in case we were approached to regarding accounts, but there was never follow up on it. I don’t understand where the threshold is for action to be taken. Is it having more than one complaint? Is it just how uncomfortable a person is made to feel? Is it the level of vitriol in the person's voice? Or is it specifically keywords of safety that raise an alarm?

At one point in the past, we did in fact, have concerns for our safety. From private conversations I had been threatened not only with bodily harm, but having police called on me for reasons I didn’t understand, except that I was trying to pack my things (from a common area that had originally been empty of the threatening parties) and leave after a break up.

I approached some of those very same people who are still leaders in our communities as a whole now, and was told that if I were in a shared space with them to just…. Go to another area, ignore them, pay them no mind. Even when at just such an event they constantly walked around the venue carrying a bat, a real one not a foam one, and on a few occasions were staring at us as we moved through rooms to avoid them. We felt unsafe the entire night, made mention of it at the event, left early, and avoided most spaces for a while as a result.

We find it increasingly hard to know that we have gone from that to this. Even then… I wouldn’t have wanted them banned or removed without proper investigation, but there was no investigation or thought given at all, there wasn’t even a moment of “let me consider your complaints” when we came forward.

Now, I just…. I don’t know how safe I feel knowing that all it takes is one or two persons to be upset with me to complain and I’d be removed without out due process. Even if the decision to remove me were the same, I would rather it be with my knowing that all facets and viewpoints were addressed, and not that we were just essentially told to “get lost”

As a whole, we find a lot of how the policing in the lifestyle is done lackluster. It scares us that there ARE known offenders who…. Their offenses aren’t even kept anywhere. I’ve been to classes and interacted with people at events they hadn’t been barred from only to learn after the fact that there are multiple violations, that were actually well documented. I am all for not gossiping, but there has to be some way to balance all of this. There have been entire communities where the leadership was. . . We found out later not as upright and honest as they seemed. When we left those communities, without raising alarm or accusations, just quietly "packing our life" to move where we did slfeels safe. They were the ones who sent threats and harassment after the fact, saying they could ruin us for our leaving. We merely told them if they felt certain they could uphold those threats to please do so. We never heard from them again.

I am not new to this community, many of you have known us for years, even multiple decades in some cases, but the rate at which we are finding out about other members of the community, things that happened well before our time, and were either not talked about, or only mentioned after the fact by those who could have warned us long ago and knew of their history. When this information comes even from those closest to us, and when asked why it wasn’t mentioned before… it just… wasn’t something they thought about to mention, until something like what events happened with decidedly more local communities to us, occur and conversation around the surprise and shock of such events in the community happening arise. Despite this being an at least nationwide issue,

I want to be able to help with making this community a better place. I do, all parts of us want to.

But… we never felt like we’re able to moderate, or be an event coordinator, nor a community leader, not with how difficult it is to actually participate in these areas. So we tried to uplift and strengthen those in the lifestyle on an individual basis, offering safety and friendship and a listening non judging ear if people need someone to talk to.

Apparently though, this isn't enough. So we are coming forward to the entire community. Not just the ones we are apart of, not just those which effect us personally.

We long haven't been as active on certain platforms for, honestly, all of the reasons we touch on here, and more. Only keeping a small finger on the pulse watching, listening, and being here for others. Despite often thinking maybe it's better if we just left.

We don’t want to leave. This is us, speaking up, and hoping in some way that it helps to make the community safer, even if it is just to plant a seed, or a thought, or to open the discussion for other voices to speak up and voice their own concerns.

-🎀-

like i know its a stretchhh on his builder traits - but like it just screams gally to me.

the only difference is that his “crash out,” would be more messier, grittier - just gally written all over it.

instead of writing letters to you everyday, he’d convince himself that it was pointless - his ego and pride getting in the way of his strong feelings.

that love slowly turns into hate for you, slowly hate for himself and last pure exasperation. but he’d push those feelings down.

unlike noah who threw himself into building due to pure longing - gally would throw himself into building because that’s the only way he knows how to deal wth his frustration, loss - all these confusing feelings.

he’d tell himself that he didn’t care, but unconsciously build something you two would always talk about, every single detail SCREAMS you: memories, dreams you shared. whether he realises it or not.

i’m actually second guessing whether he’d end up selling the house, which allows y/n to re-unite with him.

but if you guys did reunite, he’d be much more confrontational about what had happened, maybe even a heated argument, clearing up all the why’s but you’d eventually get that little sappy cute moment. kissing/hugging in the rain, huge declaration of love - like seeing you just made him realise how much he missed you.

plus, as much as he used to convince himself he didn’t miss you, he never really stopped waiting.

BASICALLYY HIS EPIPHANY MOMENT.

CONCLUDING THIS YAP - at the core of it, i think he’s just as stubborn and hopelessly in love with you as noah is with allie.

but YEAH lowkey was thinking about this whole thing in class - maybe my brain was fried bc of the weather and it’s just me who thinks this but I THINK LIKE HALF OF WHAG I SAID WAS PLAUSIBLE (hopefully😭), the rest is just fanon LOL