#on insecurity

Ben Affleck on his and Matt Damon's approach to acting in the early days

From the SmartLess podcast, hosted by Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, and Will Arnett (3 April 2023)

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BEN: I would periodically go off and do a little Voyage of the Mimi. So Matt was a little threatened by that. And when I got to the high school, he kind of pulled me aside. He said, "Listen, man! All right? This is the theater. It's not about your looks, okay? It's about the work." And I took that very seriously. I thought that I was hearing something real, like the words of wisdom from a guy who understood it. I didn't know until that time he felt I'd been entirely bogarting my way through life on like charm and looks, of which there were very few. [...] I think maybe he was a little insecure. The other thing he said to me was, "You know the thing about Hoffman in [Death of a] Salesman? It's you can see the wheels turning. But... he wants you to see the wheels turning. Matt Damon, 15 years old. [...] That's why he's brilliant! Because that guy has been absolutely convinced that— and has paid attention to like very little else in his free time—other than acting. Since he was a little kid, doing Wheelock Community College theater when he was 11 years old, with absolute conviction that this is what he was gonna do.

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[Full transcript under the cut.]

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“I started to wonder if I deserve any of this.” — Jin

Jin appeared to me to be quite down while promoting ‘Dynamite’. He was more subdued than usual, not talking or joking around much. His eyes seemed to have lost their lively spark. I wondered why that was. 

To get at what might be going on, I tried to pinpoint the last time he acted normally. He seemed his usual self while shooting the MV, while reacting to it, and even on September 1st, on the V Live celebrating their #1 in the Billboard Top 100, on Jungkook’s birthday.

But from then on, and until very recently, Jin didn’t seem to be doing so well. I’ve been paying attention to all the recent interviews, to try and get a glimpse of his inner state. Today, the much awaited Weverse individual interview afforded me that chance. 

JIN: [...] Before our debut, I had a clear goal: to debut. I chased after that one goal. [...] But now, my goal is to live without overthinking anything. Maybe it’s not really a goal but a kind of defense mechanism.

Q: A defense mechanism?

JIN: As you get thinking, you might somehow undermine yourself. So, as long as I don’t think too hard, I can work hard right now. Maybe that’s why I called it a defense mechanism: If I stop and think about it, I might have too many ways to put myself down.

Q: But if you imagine someone else were to have accomplished the same things you have, wouldn’t they think they deserve to feel proud?

JIN: That’s true, but I’m also one of seven members of BTS. Thinking about what I’ve done as an individual feels like a burden to me. Up until we finished working on Map of the Soul: 7, I wasn’t burdened but felt, “Okay, we all did a good job. I’m happy with this.” But after getting “Dynamite” to the top of the Billboard Top 100 and starting down this new road, I started to wonder if I deserve any of this.

Q: But you experienced a lot of big things before. What made you think that way this time?

JIN: I was waiting for the chart position to come out all day, and then right before bed, Namjoon sent a message to our group chat. That’s when I realized we were number one! I was really happy, but something felt different. Maybe it was because we couldn’t see our fans. After “Dynamite,” we got even more love from even more people, and even when I was walking down the street, people would say things like, “I’m a big fan of yours,” or, “Thank you for introducing Korea to the world.” Then I started to think, “Do I deserve all this congratulations and love? That’s not me—I’m not that kind of person.” I got over it a bit, but even until a few days ago, the pressure was so intense that I couldn’t get any work done.

Q: How did you move away from all that pressure?

JIN: I just moved on. Like with COVID-19, we all have to wait and stay put until everything gets better. And actually, after “Dynamite” made number one, we got really busy, so I was able to think less about other things and basically avoid them that way, all those questions about life. I think that’s how I endured.

It seems that in the last couple of months, and prompted by breaking through these greater heights, Jin fell back on his feelings of inadequacy. He seems to have questioned not only how much he deserves this new praise, but how much him personally is deserving of it, when he’s just “one of seven members of BTS”. How much has he done as an individual member to deserve all of this? Are his personal contributions really that valuable? Or is he just bumming a ride on this rocket that is BTS, and collecting the fruits of the others’ hard work and talent?

His current struggle appears to echo the one he sang about in Wings (2016) final track, ‘Awake’:

I’m just walking and walking, among this darkness My happy times asked me this question You, are you really okay, it asked me Oh no

I replied, no, I’m so afraid Still, I hold the 6 flowers tightly in my hands I, I’m just walking, I said Oh no

But it’s my fate It’s my fate Still, I want to struggle and fight

Maybe I, I can never fly I can’t fly like the flower petals over there Or as though I have wings Maybe I, I can’t touch the sky Still, I want to stretch my hand out I want to run, just a bit more

‘Awake’ was the first song Jin participated in composing. And while RM wrote the lyrics (except for the first two lines, brought to them by "Hitman" Bang), he’s stated how he believes the lyrics represent Jin himself, too.

Jin’s arc in the albums and the band has been a beautiful one, as the inspiration for and manifestation of the “LOVE MYSELF” message. He remains to this day its great ambassador, as can be seen by his 2020 ONU address:

Thinking about the future and trying hard are all important. But cherishing yourself, encouraging yourself, and keeping yourself happy is the most important. In a world of uncertainty, we must cherish the importance of “me”, “you” and “us”. That is the message of “LOVE MYSELF” we talked about for three years. It’s the message in the lyrics of our song ‘Dynamite’: “I’m diamond, you know I glow up.”

— Kim Seokjin, in BTS (방탄소년단) Speech at the 75th UN General Assembly (23 September 2020).

He compares himself to a precious stone again in his descriptions of the BE concept photos:

The point of this room, which is bedecked with gems, is that you can never tell what's a jewel and what isn't. I was overwhelmed by the sight of this gemstone, but turns out it was me all along. Have you forgotten along the way that each one of you is a unique and precious gem?

— Kim Seokjin, in BTS BE Concept Photo.

Jin spoke again of the topic of self-love while interviewing with Rolling Stone India (October 2020):

Q: Jin, what made you want to address self-acceptance and insecurity as an artist with tracks like “Epiphany” and the album series Love Yourself? The lyrics on “Epiphany” even say ‘I’m the one I should love.’ Where do you see yourself now on this journey of self-acceptance?

JIN: Self-acceptance and insecurity are topics that I honestly didn’t want to address. I didn’t want to reveal my dark side, but talking to our Chairman and producer Mr. Bang helped me open up. I think I have now accepted that part of me, and learned to understand and love myself.

But if Jin’s inner state in the last few months teaches us anything, is that this “journey of self-acceptance” is ongoing. And even though we know where we’d like to arrive at, what is important we strive for, there might be times when we’ll forget along the way that each one of us is a unique and precious gem. There will be times when we might question and undermine ourselves. Even when everyone around us emphasizes how much we’ve accomplished. Maybe especially then. 

And if Jin was feeling unworthy of the praise — not just because he didn’t believe it, but because he felt he hadn’t contributed as much to this success as the other members — then it becomes even clearer why he mentioned Namjoon personally in the BE ‘Thanks To’ notes:

Thank you so much to our members who wrote songs for this album.

And for saying that my ideas were great while writing lyrics, for saying that he had a rough time starting but could finally start with what hyung wrote as a topic, thank you so, so much, especially, to our Namjoonie who gave such beautiful words.

If Jin had been feeling inadequate and useless, how much must it have meant to have Namjoon vocally acknowledge him as an invaluable contributor and source of inspiration for the whole songwriting process! 

And Namjoon, who is no stranger to these feelings of insecurity, making sure that Jin knows how important and appreciated he is.

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