#omgcphc

lol as much as he can 

for real though. summer is #bulkingseason for winter athletes. say jack wants to be at 215 at the start of the season, which is on the higher end of average for nhl players, but by the end of playoffs he’s at like 200ish, maybe 195. he’s gotta eat between 5500 and 6000 calories a DAY during the summer. he NEEDS to gain around 20lbs. athletes try to eat clean enough, but they for sure aren’t staying away from full-fat foods and dessert. if they eat TOO clean, they won’t get enough calories.

i know we joke about meal plans and “cheat days” and stuff but that’s not really how it works. athletes do have meal plans, but a lot of it is just outlining how much to eat, what kind of food to eat, and when. if he’s working out at 7 am, he’s got to wake up an hour early and have a his pre-workout meal – maybe a smoothie with some protein powder and some oatmeal. then immediately after his workout he’s going to be taking more protein. then a meal at noon – even if it’s just a couple hours after. he can’t just eat when he’s hungry. he’s got to have like 6 big meals a day + snacks, while working out a LOT. it seems like a lot to us normal folk, and it is, but remember he’s been conditioning himself for this since he was 15/16. 

bitty too, because we often forget that bitty is one of the best athletes in his division, in a league that’s pretty much the level below nhl, where he played on the same line as jack zimmermann. he won’t be eating as much as jack but still easily in the 4000-calorie range. that means if they’re having bbq chicken for supper, jack’s going to be eating three chicken breasts and bitty two. or a 12 oz steak. four, five eggs for breakfast. tons of carbs and veggies. and dessert, for sure. and they go through protein powder like you wouldn’t BELIEVE.

what i’m saying is, it’s mama b’s and moomaw’s dream come true, and zimbits is a match made in food heaven. of course, it’s hella expensive to eat as a pro athlete so jack definitely slides coach some grocery store gift cards when the moms aren’t watching, and coach won’t say anything, because he knows.

source: my sister, with whom i lived this summer, is a division-1 CIS athlete (canadian equiv of NCAA) in one of the best soccer teams in the country AND a kinesiology student. and her boyfriend is one of the best weight-lifters of his weight-class in the province and also a kin student. she’s 5″ and weighs 125 pounds and while i’m slightly taller and weigh more than twice that, could not eat what she puts away. seriously. she eats all the time. so much. it’s ridiculous.

Nursey headcanon with @comefeedtherainn

He’s always secretly liked the idea of trying make up because let’s be fucking real, if there is a way to make himself hotter, Derek Malik Nurse will fucking find it okay? So he starts Samwell and gets into conversation with Lardo one day when they’re drunk or stoned or whatever and she is totally like bro, let me hook you up with some MAC.

And then boom he’s addicted and spends goddamn hours learning how to contour and highlight and shit but always in the secrecy of his bedroom. Like at this point he’s probably scared that Dex is still a giant homophobe so yeah, best to keep it on the downlow. And then one day Dex accidentally walks in on Nursey while he’s recording a tutorial for his MMUA blog or something and they both just like freeze.

I have this image in my head of Tater when he first comes to the States stumbling upon a radio station that plays stuff like that -- Fleetwood Mac, Tracy Chapman, Bob Dylan, Leonard Cohen, John Prine, Simon & Garfunkel, Emmylou Harris, of course James Taylor and Gordon Lightfoot... You’re right, it’s the comfort food of music. And I imagine him like, thinking it’s a ~cool~ station and just listening to it all the time, learning English from it. This is what my dad listens to and my version of Tater is a very Dad kind of person.

Of course Kent pretends to hate it but doesn’t really. Jack, on the other hand, is Tater’s kindred spirit in this sense, and introduces him to Neil Young, the McGarrigle sisters, Beau Dommage, Joni Mitchell, Cano, fucking Claude Dubois, Buffy Ste Marie...

YES CANADIAN CHECK PLEASE MOM HERE

i see your pumpkin and apple and i raise you alicia making a tarte au sucre and bitty just being like :OOOOOO A PIE I’VE NEVER HAD OR HEARD OF BEFORE??? and immediately tries to make it even though everyone’s like ... there’s four of us and already three pies please stop. they give the extras to the neighbours.

anyway yes to the BNL. also think bob would sing some Old School French Canadian music under the guise of introducing bitty to canadian culture -- Cano? Harmonium? La Complainte du phoque en Alaska? Great tune. 

AAANDDD because the leaves are changing, jack and bitty go out for a walk and jack brings his camera and he takes pretty pictures and then bitty asks for a turn so he takes a few but then he notices jack like, comparing leaf shapes and colours because he’s a cute dork. so bitty takes pictures of jack without him noticing!!!! and when jack takes his camera back and looks through he’s like bitty!! you took pictures of me!! but secretly he’s really please because they look good actually, with the trees in the background and he’s kind of smiling to himself and is very handsome

ohhhhhh. nice.

i know we all like to think that post-bitty jack is more at peace with himself etc but honestly? that’s not always how it works. i feel like after he retires a few things are going to happen:

a) no more scheduled exercises mean i feel like he’s going to struggle more with his anxiety. because while exercise is definitely not like a perfect treatment for mental illness by any means, it does help, as does routine, regular socialization, etc… so losing that and the structure that comes with it is going to be tough.

b) he’s going to gain weight/lose tone. athletes eat A LOT. it’s going to be hard to wean himself off a diet like that, coupled with less exercise… yeah.

c) the accumulated aches and pains from his x-long career is going to kick the fuck in

and you know what? my dad is one of the most in shape people i know. he’s 64 and will bike 115k in a day no problem. but he’s got a bud, he’s not built or toned no matter how much he works out. of course, he was never a professional athlete, but still.

i think jack’s gonna take it hard. i think it’s going to take him a while to accept that his body is worn down and will not be as buff as he was and it’s going to take a personal trainer and a therapist and a lot of encouragement from bitty and his parents and shitty and holster who at this point definitely has a dad bod.

i think he’ll get there eventually though, because he’ll realize that his body can do different, good things now. like play catch with his kids and built a swing set in the backyard and work in his vegetable garden and take the dog for long, meandering jogs where he doesn’t have to compete against himself, and still pick bitty up on their anniversary. maybe he’ll get into volleyball or badminton or skiing or biking, and it’ll take him a while but he will get to the point where he understands that these things are for fun and health, not for competition and to keep himself to an unrealistic standard.

damn. yes. 

when they part for the summer and he’s being dramatic he listens to “fare thee well” on repeat while he’s sitting on the ferry to yarmouth

jack can’t listen to “jesus take the wheel” without dex going on a spiel about gordie sampson

inspired by @insomniac-arrest (is this like, a meme? who knows)

Jack: extra memory card for his camera, his wallet, his phone, Bitty’s most recent pbj note

Bitty: phone, phone charger, headphones, grocery list

Shitty: what pockets? he’s naked

Ransom: his exam schedule

Holster: ransom’s exam schedule

Lardo: haus keys, faber keys, car keys for three different cars, a hotel room key chowder forgot to give back that she has to mail, so many bottlecaps. her phone is in her bra.

Chowder: the ticket from the very first sharks game he ever watched, extra brace elastics

Nursey: nothing. where’s your phone, derek? did you lose your wallet again? you’re a fucking mess. get it together. 

Dex: Nursey’s phone, Nursey’s wallet, a cool rock Nursey found that he asked Dex to hold then forgot about, a swiss army knife, an old beat-up leather wallet that is literally falling apart

Tango: to-do list of haus chores, his class schedule with a diagram of where his classes are