stumbled across this old piece of writing.. should I continue?
The shift. The shift. The shift. It happened when I started to see myself as a daughter of the most high. I started to protect my energy like it was worthy of protection. I became inaccessible. No you can’t spend the whole fucking evening with me so I can stroke your ego and you can feed off my pure energy. Those days became a thing of the past. I chose myself. But it didn’t happen overnight. I had to stumble, I had to feel the pain of rejecting myself, of putting him first, of putting her wishes above mine. It burned inside deeply. Being screwed over, time and time again. Until I learnt to protect my heart. But the falling and rising had to happen. Like a baby that keeps tripping up, until eventually she learns to walk. She gets off the floor, no longer in the gutter. On her face. Crying. Stumbling. Living life is no fun this way, it never was. You just didn’t know how to walk. Some women spend their entire lives not able to walk, spending more time on the floor, constantly picking themselves up. I was that woman. The cycle felt endless and painful. The straw that broke the camels back? The man that was supposed to help me walk fucking pushed me over. It wasn’t like a big hands on back, fly on the floor push, it was subtle, like a snare. It was as if his hand was gently pushing me down as I was almost on my feet. With him I was never fully standing, but because he was there, it seemed like he was helping me to my feet. But he wasn’t. A trusted guide, a trusted friend. A man who claimed to be ’spiritual’. And that’s the thing with spiritual men. You think they’re on your side. But when I studied the life of Jesus I became aware it was the spiritual men, the ones who claimed to be of God that were the most judgemental and declared for Jesus to be crucified. Something the bible has taught me. Spiritual men are NOT to be trusted. It’s in black and white. 2000 years ago advice. So getting back on my feet. It was between me and God. I had to listen to my body. I had to remove myself from leeching men. My purification removed me from spaces and environments that I would be vulnerable to. No alcohol...
