“Oh.” She said, dumbfounded. “You were at a party, though, right? So he probably didn’t want anyone to notice you were missing. Nothing wrong with a little quickie every now and again.”

“Yeah that’s what he said...” You told her, hating her for siding with him without even meaning to. She didn’t even know the half of it. “But it just… It wasn’t like him. He literally didn’t talk to me for weeks and then shows up out of nowhere the second I kiss Anders and whisks me away.”

“Woah, woah, woah. Hold up.” She stretched an arm out, holding a raised pointer finger between you. “You kissed Anders?”

“Oh, Yeah. I forgot about that.” You admitted, genuinely forgetting all about Anders since you had spoken to Harry that morning. “Whoops?”

“You’re trying to kill me, Y/N. I swear.”

Bethany covered her face, shaking her head at you. You couldn’t help but laugh at her, feeling slightly sorry and slightly amused at the same time.

“I have to go outside and smoke a cigarette now, thanks to you. But I will say this. If Harry can explain himself out of this one, and he treats you right, then you should be with him. I’ve watched you pine over him for a year now. It’s only ever been a matter of time for you two.”

“You think so?” You asked her. She lifted her shoulders slightly in a shrug before dropping them.

“He’s good to you?” She asked, pausing before walking out the door to head to the roof. You nodded. He was, when you were together and you were happy. He was always perfect, always saying all the right things and being there when you needed him most. Sure, things had gotten ugly but you knew outside of all of that he had always been an angel.

“And he doesn’t have a tiny prick?” She added when you answered her. You laughed at her again, shaking your head no.

“Then why not?” She decided. “After the album, though. One thing at a time, dear.”

With that, she walked out the door, already pulling a pack of cigarettes out of her purse that was slung on her shoulder. You wondered if she would bother coming back when she was done, or if she had already had enough of you for one day. You covered your face with your hands, kicking your feet like a child.

///

The day you thought would drag on forever went by quickly. The interview went well, not touching on any of the topics you were afraid that it might. You regurgitated the answers you’d been instructed to say, being personable and sweet as always. The shoot was easy, your body still slightly sore from laying in bed while you tried your best to pose. Then came the meeting, back in the room where you had done damage control after the incident with Christian. The same men were there, sitting stiff in their chairs.

“Alright folks, it’s time to make some big moves!” The man at the head of the table said. He clapped his hands, rubbing his palms together in fake excitement. “Y/N, we want to put out a single in the next week or so. Any ideas?”

“Personally, I think we should go with ‘Happier Than Ever’. It’ll draw audiences in, it’s got a strong sound, and people will want to listen to it once word gets around what it’s about. Strategically it just makes sense.”

The man a few chairs away from you spoke before you could, evidently finding his opinion more important in this instance than your own. You pressed your lips into a line, accepting that this was how the next hour was going to go while everyone else in the room gave their two cents.

“I think we save that one for later. We wouldn’t want to start with our strongest track.”

“I think it sets the wrong tone for the album. We don’t want anyone to think that the whole album is about him.”

“All we need to worry about is getting people interested enough to listen. I say that’s the best way to do that.”

You cleared your throat, causing the back and forth around you to come to a halt.

“Actually, I was wondering if I could record something new for the first single.” You spoke. There were eyebrows raised and disgruntled muttering around you.

“I just don’t think we have time for that.” The first man scoffed.

“It’ll be worth it.” You promised them. You weren’t sure if that was true, not even remembering half the lyrics you had typed haphazardly in your notes app the night before. In between Logan’s visits to your room while you wasted away, crying and sleeping and crying again, you had mustered up the strength to attempt putting what you were feeling into words. If everything else was falling apart, the least you could do was try to make something of it.

“We would have to hear it, obviously, before we could go through with it. We would need it by tomorrow at the very latest.” The man spoke again. He folded his hands in front of him on the table, looking unsatisfied.

“Then let her record it today and someone can throw it together for you.” Bethany said, silencing the man. “Has she ever written anything less than excellent?”

She was normally so meek, being hard on you from time to time but doing it in the most non-abrasive way she could. But as she spoke in your defense she sounded tough, unwilling to listen to any more bickering back and forth.

“Well, it’s a deal then.” The man hesitantly agreed. “Tomorrow. No later. If it’s not ready, we start promoting ‘Happier Than Ever’.”

“Deal.” Bethany said for you. The man stood, signalling the end of the meeting. Bethany was one of the first to exit the room, you following like a lost puppy behind her.

“Go get something to eat and be at the studio by 3.” She said once you reached the hallway. You were starting to regret offering the idea, worrying that the song wouldn’t be nearly as good as you had remembered it. You nodded, walking the opposite direction as her and you headed back to your car.

You pulled your phone out of your pocket as you exited the building.

“Harry?” You said into the receiver, your phone pressed against your ear as you pulled your seatbelt across your body.

“Hey!” He answered, sounding relieved. He sounded like himself again, his voice warm and sweet even if it were cautious all the same. “You headed home?”

“Not yet.” You told him painfully. “I have to go to the studio in a little bit to record my last song and then I’ll be done.”

“Oh, okay.” He said. You could hear the TV playing softly behind him. “A late night then probably.”

“I don’t know..” You told him honestly, wondering how long it would take to record before you could finally be released for the day. “But I have, like, two hours to kill before I go. Bethany says I need to eat something, so…”

“I could meet you somewhere.” Harry offered instantly. You bit your lip, a grin threatening to find its way into your voice.

“Yeah, okay.” You agreed.

“Or you could head over to my place and I’ll make you something?” He asked. “I have something here I could make, I think…”

You heard his feet shuffling to his kitchen, cupboards opening and closing hurriedly.

“That sounds really nice.” You said, your heat picking up its pace. “Bethany’s been so weird about making sure I’m eating lately, so she’ll be pleased to hear I’ve had a home cooked meal.”

You were merging onto the highway now, holding your phone to your ear with your shoulder. You laughed laughed awkwardly, but Harry stayed silent.

“You haven’t been eating?” He asked, concern evident in his voice. You heard the clattering of pots and pans cease suddenly.

“No, I have… I don’t know, she’s just weird about that stuff.”

“Okay..” He said, returning to his scavenging. He seemed satisfied by your answer, mostly, and you were thankful he couldn’t tell you were lying through your teeth.

“I’ll be there in 20.” You told him before hanging up.

Here you were again, heading to his house. Running back to him as always. But things were okay now. He didn’t have a girlfriend and you were ready to let him in, for real this time. Your heart thumped in your chest. You ignored the part of you that knew it was too soon to see him, but you made a deal with yourself that it would only be lunch and nothing else. There was still too much to talk about, you thought, but it wouldn’t hurt to stop by for a bit.

///

Harry opened the door to you, his hair messy and slept in and his face in a broad smile. He must have gone back to sleep once after you’d talked this morning. He had a small stain on his shirt, just below his chest, which for some reason made you smile.

“It smells good in here,” You told him as you entered. He was practically bouncing with nervous excitement, beginning to describe to you in full detail the alfredo pasta he was preparing for you. He mentioned how he knew it was one of your favorites, the one thing you ordered most nights you went out to eat. It was a small gesture, but it warmed your heart, knowing he had remembered.

“And of course, no meal is complete without a bit of sourdough.” He said, triumphantly throwing his arms toward the loaf on the counter. It looked perfect, much better than the one you had made in this same kitchen a few weeks ago.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” You told him, smiling up at his glowing face.

“Can I give you a hug?” He asked. His arms were hung awkwardly at his sides now as if he didn’t know what to do with them. “I won’t try anything, I swear.”

You didn’t answer, instead just pulling him into you. His body relaxed around yours, swaying you side to side in his grip. Your face was pressed against his chest, and you couldn’t help but notice a chain draped around his neck. You pulled the necklace out of his shirt carefully, your fingers trembling slightly as you did. It fell onto his chest, Harry pulling away from you to look down at the jewelry with you. Harry’s hands stayed on your waist as you stood there together, the pan on the stove sizzling quietly.

It was small and dainty, a tiny silver charm hanging off at the bottom. The metal was warm from having been pressed against his chest. There was a small yellow stone in the middle, surrounded by petals. A sunflower.

“My mum sent it to me.” He said, his face flushing. You held it carefully in your fingers, staring at it as he spoke. “She found it at some market, she said. But it kind of reminded me of you…”

You wanted to wrap him in another hug, your heart melting instantly. It was so easy for him to turn you soft. You stood there, though, carefully placing the tiny flower back on his chest. Harry blushed as he watched your hand press the charm against his shirt.

“What happened to your old one?” You couldn’t help asking. He looked at you quizzically before remembering the one you were talking about. The one with the initial.

“Probably in my closet somewhere, I’m not sure.” He said casually. You nodded slowly, taking a step back from him so he could return to the stove where he had been busy at work. He turned his back to you, picking up a spoon and stirring the pasta.

“The new album is called ‘Fine Line’.” He told you, seemingly out of nowhere, still facing toward the stove. You hadn’t bothered asking him what the title was going to be, Harry usually wanting to keep everything he was working on shrouded in secrecy. “Jeff got it for me, the necklace I mean. Sort of an Easter egg, you know. I’ve been wearing a different one everyday until now to spell it out. Look back at all of the pictures, you’ll see.”

He looked over at you, raising an eyebrow in a way that said he was satisfied you had missed his little clue. It was so like him, doing the most for an audience that would never notice. You remembered the necklace now, the way the tiny letter ‘F’ had dangled in front of your face as Harry was inside of you. Your mouth fell open suddenly, realizing.

“F for Fine Line?” You asked him. Your voice came out a little too eager, causing Harry to shoot you a confused look over his shoulder.

“Yeah. F for Fine Line.” He said, returning to his work. “What else would it be?”

///

“You know, you’re not really supposed to eat pasta before you sing. Bad for the voice.” Harry said through a mouth full of noodles. You nodded, taking another massive bite. This had to be the best pasta you had ever eaten, and you kicked yourself for not asking him to make it for you sooner.

“It’s worth it.” You mumbled through your food. “It’s too good.”

You felt slightly more alive already, eating for the first time in over a day. You scarfed it down quickly, not bothering to try to look cute. You only had a few more minutes before you needed to leave and head back to the studio.

“You flatter me,” he said, though you knew he enjoyed the compliment. “You have a little something on your face.” He added, trying his best not to laugh at you as he gestured toward the corner of his mouth.

“Where?” You asked. You would have been embarrassed if you weren’t so hungry. Harry reached out, wiping the corner of your mouth with his thumb.

“There.” He said, sticking his thumb into his mouth. Your face warmed as you twisted another bite onto your fork.

“So what’s the song called?” Harry asked you between bites.

“Huh?”

“The one you’re recording tonight. What’s it called?” He asked, shoveling the final bite of pasta into his mouth. “Or do I not get to know?”

“Carnival, I think.” You answered. You hadn’t actually thought of a title yet, the name just coming to you in the moment. It fit perfectly.

“S’It about clowns or something?” He joked, setting his empty plate down in the sink. You handed your plate to him as well, Harry quickly slurping up the last few noodles you had left on your dish before rinsing it off.

“Yeah, something like that.”

///

“It’s pretty good.” Logan said, crossing her arms over her shirt. “Very good, dare I say.”

“You think so?” You asked her through the microphone that connected your voice to her just outside of the booth. She nodded.

“What’s it about?” She asked, smug. She knew exactly what it was about. You shrugged innocently at her, making her roll her eyes.

“Are we done, Ben?” You asked. The man behind the glass gave you a thumbs up.

“We’ll get the rest of the instrumentals on it tonight, you listen to it in the morning to make sure it’s all good, and we're set.” He answered.

“Woo!” Bethany yelled, raising her fists in the air in victory. “We did it!”

You walked out of the booth to join them, pulling your sweaty hair up into a bun.

“You think they’ll like it? For the single?” You asked her. She nodded, picking her purse up off of the table in front of her.

“I think it’s perfect.” She answered, gripping your shoulder. “You need a shower.” She added, pulling her hand away.

“It’s stuffy in there…” You defended to deaf ears.

“It really is great, Y/N.” Logan said, skipping toward the door. “I still think you should’ve picked one of my songs, though. They’re even better.”

You rolled your eyes at her the way she always did to you. She smiled, shrugging her shoulders.

“And I don’t think it’s even that obvious that it’s about Harry.” She said as you all exited the room. “Only a little bit obvious.”

“Oh come ON!” You cried. Of course she could read between the lines, having seen everything happen first hand. No one else would have a clue. You were sure of it.

///

“You can just let yourself in when you get here,” Harry said before you had gotten off the phone with him a moment prior. You had officially spoken to him more in the last few hours than you had in weeks, making the early September air feel a little bit sweeter against your skin. You walked up his drive, letting yourself in through the front door.

“Hello?” You called into the empty house. You heard a door upstairs shut, followed by the pitter patter of Harry’s feet as he scurried down the stairs to find you.

“Hey!” He yelled. His dimples dented his cheeks perfectly, his face looking soft and sweet. “How did it go?”

“Good, I think.” You told him, plopping yourself down onto the couch. You were exhausted, your head pounding slightly. You knew it was only about to get worse when you finally sat down with Harry to talk things through. You wanted to tell him to just forget it, to let things stay easy and calm between you. “Did you shave your face?”

Harry rubbed his chin, raising his eyebrows at you.

“Maybe,” he answered. “You like it?”

“Yeah. It looks great.” You thought out loud, your compliment reddening Harry’s cheeks.

“Thanks,” he said shyly. “You wanna go sit outside? It’s really nice out.”

“Sure.”

You followed him out, sitting on one of the outdoor couches. He sat on one end, you on the other turned sideways to face him. The air was thick all of a sudden, feeling stuffy and hot around you.

“So…” You began, waiting for Harry to say something. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

“I don’t really know.” He said, his Adam’s apple bobbing slightly as he swallowed.

The sky was growing dark around you, a purplish glow on everything in sight. It was so beautiful, almost as beautiful as Harry was sitting across from you.

“I don’t really know where to start.” He said after a beat of silence. You agreed, humming softly.

“You really hurt me, Harry. I know I’m equally to blame… but I just don’t know what you want from me anymore.”

He watched your eyes as you spoke, his stare serious and hard to read. You tried your best to tell him the truth, the whole truth, while your body burned under his gaze.

“I’m sorry…” Was all he could say. He had a pained expression on his face, his eyes falling down to his hands resting in his lap. “I wish I could take it back. I wish I could undo it.”

“It’s okay.” You told him, hating the way his voice was tinged with sadness. It took everything in you not to tell him it’s was fine, that you didn’t need to talk about anything anymore.

“You don’t have to keep saying that, Y/N, because it’s not.”

He continued, taking a short pause to collect his thoughts.

“I’m an asshole. And I’m jealous. And I lash out when I’m hurt. I don’t even mean to, I just do.” He looked over the edge of the balcony at the skyline behind the trees. “And you don’t have to forgive me for that. But I wanted to apologize to your face.”

He looked at you, reaching to grip your hand in his.

“I’m so, so, so sorry. I’ll never be able to make it up to you in a million lifetimes, and I know that.”

He dropped your hand, returning his arms to his lap.

“I think that I forgive you.” You told him, picking at the skin around your nails.

“That’s a good start, I suppose.” Harry responded, smirking shyly.

“I don’t think that I make good choices when I’m with you.” You confessed. “And I think I might be too insecure to ever accept the things that I want from you. I keep pushing you away, no matter how much you apologize, and you keep doing things to get back at me for it.”

Harry sat there thoughtfully, the wheels turning in his head as crickets chirped in the distance.

“But we both wanted the same thing all along, didn’t we? I know you were trying to save our friendship, and I should’ve proven to you that I was serious about how I felt for you instead of running away. I was just.. too proud to face you.”

You looked up at him, admiring the way his hair was falling onto his forehead in thick curls. All of this was so silly, so pointless. He was right about everything, you were both running in circles from each other when all you ever wanted was each other.

“I thought it was over for us, after I tried to kiss you that night. And I tried to be okay with that. I texted some girl I had hooked up with once or twice and told myself I had moved on.”

“So you knew her for a while, then?” You asked. You weren’t angry, only curious. For some reason the tension didn’t seem as suffocating now. You were going to listen to him, really listen, for once.

“Yeah.” He admitted, his face pinching with guilt. “She’s a nice girl and all, but it never turned into anything serious before. I knew she would answer, though, so I just.. picked her. And that was fine for a while. But when everything happened with Christian, I couldn’t think about anything else. I couldn’t keep pretending to be happy with her. I didn’t call you because I was jealous, I didn’t.”

“I know.”

“Then you asked if I loved her and I didn’t. I knew I didn’t. But I was still angry, and I wanted to wrong you the way I felt I’d been wronged. I never loved her. She’s lovely and she’s kind and she’s beautiful, but she’s not you. She never could be.

“Then obviously that backfired on me and you left. You were hurting so badly, and that should’ve been enough. I shouldn’t have added to it. I was just too arrogant to admit that. I tried to forget about you, but then I’d call you and I’d hear your voice and it was over for me.

“I knew there was no coming back for me when I saw you at that karaoke bar. You were glowing. You looked better than ever, and I knew it was because I wasn’t around anymore. But I was greedy and I wanted to keep you around and so I tried being your friend. You seemed like you were doing so well and it made me crazy, so I kept seeing her. I thought if I kept it up long enough… I don’t know..”

You could almost laugh, thinking how fooled you had had him. You tried so hard to act unbothered, and it worked too well.

“You have no idea how badly I wanted you, H. You don’t have a clue.” You told him, cutting off his speech. “The whole time… I was only trying to act like everything was okay because I thought it was the only way I could have you.”

“Did you call me H?” Harry asked when you were done, smiling stupidly. There was a twinkling in his eyes past all of the hurt.

“Sorry..” You stuttered, embarrassed. He’d given you a million nicknames since you’d met him. Sunflower, Darling, Peaches (that one stollen from Bethany as soon as he’d heard her use it). But you’d only ever called him by his name. You supposed it just felt silly, giving a nickname to the one and only Harry Styles.

“I like it.” He grinned. Your chest swelled as you tried not to smile too hard at him. “It’s a lot better than ‘Harry Fucking Styles’.”

You laughed as he mocked Logan’s song of a voice, his nose scrunching with laughter across from you. He took a deep breath, calming himself before continuing his train of thought.

“Anyway, where was I… oh, the studio. That day I heard your new track. I had convinced myself you were fine, way better than you ever were with me, but when I heard it I just felt so guilty. For everything. I had so many things I wanted to say and I just didn’t know how so I kissed you. And I only stopped you when you kissed me back because it felt… wrong, like I was taking advantage of you when I knew you were so hurt. I didn’t think you really wanted it, you were just overwhelmed. I didn’t want you to be embarrassed or anything so I just played it off. And cried like a bitch about it.”

Harry laughed nervously at that, remembering the way he’d cried in his knees in front of you.

“You couldn’t be more wrong.” You whispered to him.

“Then you stayed with me here and things were fine. I wanted to kiss you, every moment I looked at you. But I knew I shouldn’t, so I didn’t. Until the party. Things just went so fucking wrong so fast.”

You were hanging on his every word, a picture being painted with every syllable that was exactly the same and totally opposite from your experience all at the same time.

“I just couldn’t stop myself that night. I was… wound up after spending so much time with you and I was drunk again and lonely. I didn’t stop myself when I should have, but when I took you upstairs and you kissed me like that… I thought maybe you did still feel the same for me.”

Harry’s mouth turned up in a devilish grin, for just a second, before he forced it away.

“And to see you on your knees like that…” He mused, remembering that night. “You looked so pretty looking up at me like that.”

Your face heated, your pulse quickening slightly as he reminisced.

“Anyway, Logan came in and it was over and I knew I messed up. I knew it was wrong to do anything with you, especially when you were drunk. I knew you would regret it when you came to your senses.

“But I thought there was a chance, just maybe, that you really did still want me. And I could feel you slipping away again so I just panicked and went outside after you. I wanted to tell you then how I felt, so badly. I couldn’t have cared any less what anyone thought. And I know it’s fucked up but in that moment I didn’t care about her, either. All I wanted was you. That’s what I meant, y’know, when I said I didn’t care who saw us. I wanted you and I wanted the world to know it, too. But you didn’t like that so I figured we could just go back inside…”

“I should have listened to you..” You said sadly. It could have ended a million times before then but that night.. if you had only listened to him. It could’ve all been different.

“It’s not your fault, sunflower.” Harry promised. You tried to smile, failing to pull the corners of your mouth up out of its frown. “I shouldn’t have let you walk away like that again. I never should have.”

You were fighting back tears at this point, feeling sorry for yourself and for him and for everyone around you who had had to listen to you go on and on and on.

“You asked me what I didn't understand, but I didn’t understand anything. You were so back and forth… I didn’t know what you wanted. I almost called her that night, to break things off. But I avoided it. I didn’t bother calling her at all most of the time. She was always off somewhere, probably coked out of her mind on a yacht or something, I dunno..

“But you left abs I decided I was just going to let you go. Once and for all. I wasn’t going to bother you any more than I already had. I could see what I was doing to you and I hated myself for it.” His voice choked up then, Harry clearing his throat before moving on. “But then I see you a week later with some… fucking guy… and I lost it.”

You remembered Anders’ unanswered text on your phone, feeling guilty. You were wrong on so many levels for that. You had used him to get back at Harry the same way he was using her. You didn’t know what you could possibly say to Anders now to fix that.

“And I just thought, fuck it. She wants me to choose her so let me go choose her. I could have punched that dude right then and there, so I did the next best thing and dragged you upstairs. I really did just want to talk. I wanted to ask you what you were doing with him. I just wanted to know once and for all if you were through with me. But we got up there and you looked so angry and you were still so beautiful… And so I kissed you. I figured if you didn’t want me then you would just tell me to fuck off and that would finally be the end of it.”

You felt sick hearing him talk about it like this. You were grateful for his honesty, but hated the way it felt when it hit you. You wanted him to stop there, to end the story before it got any further, but he continued.

“But you didn’t stop me. And I’m not blaming you at all, for anything. It was my fault and I know that it was unforgivable. But all I can do is try to explain myself.”

“Okay.” You agreed, nodding slowly. You didn’t want to hear anymore but you knew you needed to. You owed it to yourself to try and understand.

“And so I thought… you know, what better way can I show her how much I want her? What else can I do at this point? It was all or nothing. And I know it was wrong. I knew it was wrong when I did it, so I kept asking you if it was okay so I didn’t have to feel guilty. I was selfish and I wanted to prove to myself and to you that you were still mine, at least a little bit.

“I made sure you weren’t drunk and I made sure you were okay with it. And maybe… maybe we could have still done it, the right way, but I was so paranoid about someone finding out that I just…”

He paused, catching his breath. You could tell he didn’t want to say anymore, his eyes beginning to mist.

“It wasn’t just a quick fuck, Y/N. It was everything to me.”

You felt a tear fall down your cheek, which you let roll to your chin. That was all you had wanted to hear him say. You needed to know it was something more than what you thought it was.

“And you have to know, I thought about that moment for so many months. I daydreamed about it when you fell asleep on my lap, or touched my hand. I thought about it when I was with her..”

You grimaced, not wanting to hear anything else about what they’d done. Even if he was thinking of you, it made you sick just to picture them together.

“And I know that wasn’t how you wanted it to go. To me, I really thought that I was showing you… I thought that I was proving to you how much I loved you. When it was over I regretted it right away, and I tried to fix it by telling you I loved you. I tried to make the moment special somehow, but it was too late. And I knew that if we walked back downstairs together that word would get around, that some rumor would spread about what happened. So I just left you there. But I meant it when I said we would talk about it. I meant it. I never would have just disappeared after that, not after taking the very last thing I could from you. I already knew that I was going to break up with her, even if it was too late.”

He stopped talking then, looking out again at the distance. LA looked so small from all the way up here. You had no words for him, no matter how hard you searched for them.

“So that's it, I guess.” He said softly, his face looking broken and guilty. “And you don’t have to forgive me. I’m not trying to make excuses for what I did, either. I just wanted to tell you the truth.”

You knew what you wanted to do next, watching Harry sitting there completely exposed. He had nothing left to offer, having spilt every single detail he could. You thought, also, about what you should do, but you weren’t sure what that was. Maybe you should have walked away and never looked back. Maybe you should’ve told him it wasn’t okay, and that nothing he did would ever undo what he’d done to you. But you couldn’t do either of those things, in a million years. It was almost as if you had no choice in the matter at all.

You crawled across the couch to him, holding his crumpled form in your arms. He accepted your touch hesitantly, pausing before allowing you to crawl onto him to straddle his lap.

“I forgive you.” You whispered into his neck. The relief you felt now that it was all over consumed your entire body, untying the knot in your stomach and loosening every muscle you hadn’t realized was tensed under your skin. You pulled away from Harry, taking his face between your hands.

“I’m sorry, too. For everything.” You told him. His eyebrows were still down turned, his mouth in a hard frown.

You pressed your lips to his, the softest kiss you could muster against his perfect lips. You pulled away, brushing the curls off of his forehead that had fallen as he spoke no matter how many times he tried to push them away. You kissed him again, slowly, his mouth moving perfectly with yours. His grip tightened around your body. The kiss was sensual and sweet, unlike the fevered kisses you had shared with him before. It deepened after several long, blissful minutes, Harry digging his hands into your hair. Your body reacted instantly to him, a gasp leaving your mouth and drifting between his parted lips. He enjoyed the sound, tugging again lightly on your hair.

“Let’s go inside,” Harry instructed, standing with you still wrapped around his middle. You held on tightly to him. “It’s getting chilly out here. You can grab you stuff and go if you want, once you get warmed up.”

He walked you into the living room where he dropped you gently onto the couch.

“I want to stay. For a little while.” You told him.

“Okay.” He agreed, giving you a small smile.

“Okay.”

The house was quiet. Harry stood there, just looking at you, and you could tell his mind was still going a mile a minute.

“Did you eat dinner?” He asked, slightly awkwardly. You watched him enter the kitchen, scouring every cupboard and cabinet and drawer in the fridge. “You need to eat something.”

“I’m not that hungry.” You insisted, though you were more aware of your aching stomach now that you weren’t distracted by the things Harry was saying to you outside. Harry looked over at you, leaning away from the fridge he was standing in front of. He shook his head at you.

“You have to eat, Y/N.” He said with finality. He pulled out a few things from the fridge, mixing you a salad. You just sat and watched, enjoying the way his face looked when he was concentrating.

///

“You probably need to go home soon, huh?” Harry asked. You were laying on the couch, your head pressed on Harry’s chest so you could hear his heart beating steadily as the TV played some cheesy movie in the background. The ‘little while’ you had promised Harry had come and gone, hours going by in quiet, comfortable silence.

“Yeah, probably.” You agreed. You looked at your phone. It was 11:30 already. “I just don’t want to go yet.”

“You could stay here… if ya wanted to.” Harry offered tentatively. He seemed unsure, tiptoeing around where everything stood between you after your conversation outside.

You weren’t sure what to do. You knew that you wanted to stay, forever if you could. But maybe it was too soon for that. Harry had hurt you over and over again, in so many different ways, that it seemed wrong to just let it all go. But at the same time, you knew that it didn’t make sense to just continue holding it against him if he was really, truly sorry. It all seemed like one big misunderstanding now. Just one big mistake after another. What reason did you have to punish him anymore for everything that had happened, when in many ways you were just as guilty?

Your subconscious chimed in, as always, reminding you that you really weren’t nearly as at fault as Harry was. At all. You could still feel the way his hand had pressed over your mouth as he fucked you. You remembered so clearly the way he had looked at you a few nights ago, the anger and resentment and jealousy that you felt in his gaze. He had admitted to you that he had done things to hurt you, purposefully, because deep down he was insecure and arrogant and childish. But he was sorry. He had tried, too, to talk to you about everything and you had been too stubborn to hear him out. You hated yourself for letting it all go so easily, but you believed everything he had told you. He did love you, all along. You knew he did.

“I shouldn’t have said that…” Harry said when you didn’t respond. You were so deep in thought, trying to make the right choice for once, that you had just left him hanging there.

“No, it’s okay. I want to stay.” You told him. You hadn’t even realized your decision was already made until you said it out loud. Harry’s arms wrapped a little bit tighter around you as you laid there next to him, squeezing a laugh out from your stomach.

“Tell me what’s on your mind, love.” Harry whispered, lifting your face off of his chest so you were looking at him. You had so many thoughts going through your head, but you didn’t have any idea how to make them make any sense. “I wanted to talk to you about everything, but you didn’t really get a chance to tell me how you felt about all of it.”

“I don’t know…” You began. Harry sat up, bringing you with him so you were sitting across his lap. He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear the way he always did. “I guess I’m just still hurt and I don’t know if I should be or not.”

“Of course you should be.” He said, his hand stopping in its movements. “I didn’t think I could just make it all go away by telling you how I felt. Of course you’re still hurt.”

“But you did make it all go away, that’s the thing.” You tried explaining to him. “It’s like every time I’m with you I just… It’s like I just forget about everything else. I take one look at you and I forgive you, instantly. I just don’t know if I should.”

“Maybe you should go home, then. To think about it.” He offered. He was so understanding, so patient. He was like the old him again, kind and gentle and always wanting what was best for you.

“I don’t want to go.” You said, pouting slightly. You knew you needed to get away from him, to think about everything that he’d said and think it over. But he was here, with you, finally. For the first time since the night you played truth or dare you were both together, without anything holding you back.

“You could sleep on the couch, then. I’ll go upstairs and you can just think about it.”

He stood to leave you, but you stopped him before he could leave. He sat back down next to you, eager to hear what you had to say.

“I understand why you did the things you did.” You said, finally finding the words you’d been searching for all night. “We both thought the other person wasn’t interested and we both tried to move on. But I just wish you would’ve broken up with her sooner. I wish you never would have done any of that.”

“I know.” He agreed. “I do, too.”

He paused, running his hands through his hair again.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are.”

Things were tense again, your heart feeling strained and abused in your chest.

“I’m ready to be done with it, all of it. I’m ready to move on. But I just don’t know how to feel about what happened the other night, Harry. I don’t know how to make myself forgive you for that.”

Harry didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say. As ready as you were to throw yourself into the deep end, that memory just kept resurfacing in your mind.

“I never, ever meant for it to seem that way, Y/N. I didn’t realize how it would look. I swear, I just wanted to… I just wanted to finally have this all be over with. I was just trying to put an end to it all. And I had every intention of talking to you about everything the next morning. I really did.”

His words, as much as you hated it, put your racing mind at ease. It made sense, in some convoluted way.

“I’ll let you sleep now, okay? We can talk about it more in the morning.” He said. He stood from the couch, and you instantly longed again for his touch. It was miserable, being so close to him and not feeling his hands on you. He kissed you on top of the head, throwing you a blanket. You curled yourself up, unable to deny how heavy your eyes had grown. “You have a song to finish up tomorrow, superstar. You need your rest.”

“Okay.” You agreed begrudgingly. He smiled, his dimples making their appearance. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, sunflower.”

///

You were desperately tired, at least an hour having passed since Harry made his way upstairs. But, try as you might, you couldn’t force your mind to slow long enough to fall asleep. You replayed the night you and Harry had sex, over and over until your chest grew unbearably tight. Then you played back the conversation you’d had earlier that night, remembering all of the perfect, gentle, sometimes painful things Harry had said. You daydreamed, too, about what a life with Harry would be like if he was yours and only yours. You invented all kinds of scenarios in your mind, trips to the beach or back to St. Louis or to his mom’s house. You wondered sleepily if his mom would like you. You imagined walking down the street with Harry, holding his hand and kissing his cheek and not caring who was taking pictures or what anyone had to say. You imagined the way it would feel to talk about him in interviews without having to lie. It all felt like a fantasy, but it was just within your reach now. It was right in front of you, just up the stairs and to the right.

You sat up, rubbing your eyes. You checked your phone, and for once you had no missed calls or texts or even emails. It was 1:22 in the morning.

You stood up, tiptoeing up the stairs towards Harry’s room. You weren’t sure what you would say, or what you would do if you woke him. You just needed to be close to him. You pushed his bedroom door open as slowly as possible and crept inside. He was wrapped up in his sheets, his face smooshed into a pillow. Your chest ached at the sight of him. You walked closer to him, crawling onto the mattress. You tried to distribute your weight carefully so you didn’t wake him, wriggling under the covers so that your body laid behind him. You wrapped an arm around his waist, enjoying the way his skin smelled. You gave him the lightest kiss you could on his shoulder blade.

His body shifted before lifting his head, looking over his shoulder at you. He turned around to face you, one eye open in a squint. He looked at you for a moment, his face confused and disoriented.

“What’s wrong?” He said, his voice raspy as he rubbed his eyes awake. You felt bad for waking him when he looked so peaceful laying there. You scooted back from him slightly, feeling creepy and embarrassed being caught red handed in his bed like this.

“Nothing, I-” You were whispering, searching for words. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Oh.” He said. He stretched his arms over his head, yawning. He seemed more alive now, fully opening his eyes to look at you. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay.” You said. You were more than okay, though. You were better than ever, watching the sleep leave Harry’s eyes. You leaned forward, kissing the tip of Harry’s nose.

“You need to get some sleep.” He told you like he had a few hours earlier.

“I thought about everything, Harry. About us.” You ignored him, unable to wait another instant.

“You can think about it in the morning, love.” He insisted, resting a hand on your cheek. “Right now you need to rest.”

“I thought about it and I want to be with you. For real.” You continued, paying no mind to his gentle efforts to put you to sleep.

“Okay.” He began. You could see the battle he was having behind his eyes, trying to decide if he should let you continue or wait until morning to hear anymore. “That’s what I want, too. It’s all I want, sunflower, but we should talk about it in the morning.”

“I mean it, Harry. We can be together for real and we can do whatever we want. We could go to the beach. I’ll let you meet my mom.”

Harry chuckled, bringing you to his chest.

“That sounds lovely.”

“And I can be your girlfriend.” You added. You felt silly saying it, like a middle schooler asking someone to go out with them. You pulled yourself out of his hug, gauging his expression.

“My girlfriend, huh?” He asked, not able to help the smirk on his face. “I like that.”

“Yeah.” You squeaked. Under all of the darkness that coated the room you knew your face was beet red.

“Which would make me your boyfriend, I suppose.” Harry mused. He traced his fingers along your jawline, looking at you with that look again. Like you were the only person in the entire world.

“Uh-huh.” You agreed meekly. He smiled, kissing your forehead.

“There’s nothing I want more than that.” He told you. You knew that he meant it, no matter how many fucked up things you both had done along the way. “But let’s be boyfriend and girlfriend in the morning, yeah? Right now you. need. to. sleep.”

Harry booped your nose with his finger with each of his final syllables. You couldn’t sleep now, though, your heart beating out of your chest so hard you were afraid it might just leap out.

“Let me kiss you.” You whispered just as Harry had closed his eyes.

“In the morning.” He said dreamily. “You’ve been up since 4 this morning, and you have a busy day ahead of you. I promise I will do whatever you want tomorrow morning.”

“Please,” You pleaded with him, still whispering. “I’ll die if I don’t.”

Harry’s eyes blinked open, hearing his own words being used against him. It felt like so long ago now, that night he had said that same thing to you. He smiled, trying to hold his ground but losing traction. He wrapped an arm around you.

“All I have to do tomorrow is listen to this new song and that’s it. I’ll have stop by Bethany’s building to play it for the label but then I’m done. I don’t even have to go in early-”

Your words were cut off when Harry brought his mouth to yours, giving you a warm, sleepy kiss. It felt different kissing him now. It didn’t feel desperate or wrong or needy. It just felt.. Good.

“There.” He said, smiling.

“One more.” You begged, pressing your body against his. Harry kissed you again, his hand coming to your face and tangling into your hair. He pulled away again, too soon. “Again.” You begged.

Harry obliged, bringing his mouth to yours once more. You pulled him closer to you, intertwining your legs with his. You deepened the kiss, feeling Harry’s chest pounding against yours. Harry was falling now, his resolve breaking as his mouth moved against yours. You tried desperately to get closer to him, not able to get close enough no matter how hard your pressed yourself into him. Harry’s hand gripped your waist, his fingers digging into your skin in just the right way. You brought your hand to his waist, too, sliding it under the hem of his shirt to press against his chest. He hummed into the kiss, lighting up under your touch.

“Maybe we shouldn’t,” Harry whispered breathlessly into your mouth, his actions contradicting his words as he continued gripping your side.

“I want to, Harry.” You swore. You wanted him more than anything. You wanted him, for real this time. You wanted him to make love to you until the last time just felt like some foggy, lost dream. You wanted to feel him the way you had always wished you could.

“I do too, love.” He said. “But you should think about it first…”

He never took his lips from yours, trying to do the right thing when the wrong thing felt so good.

“Harry, please.” You continued begging. You had thought about it. You’d been thinking about it for a year now. And you’d spent the few hours downstairs thinking about it, too. “I’m sure about this.”

He removed himself from you, looking deeply into your eyes. In the softness of the moonlight coming in through the windows you could see his lips were swollen and pink. He took a deep breath.

“Y/N, I don’t want to do this the wrong way. I don’t want to move too fast and have you regret it tomorrow. You know I always mess these things up.”

You traced the curve of his lips as he spoke, moving your finger to his cheekbone and then to his ear.

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to, Harry. But I know what I want.”

“I do, I do want to.” He promised. You held his chin, using your thumb to softly brush his pursed lips. You tipped his chin, Harry’s body unable to resist your touch, and kissed him again.

The kiss grew deeper, and Harry rolled you softly onto your back. He used one arm to prop himself up next to you, the other hand coming to your waist. He lifted your t-shirt, and you moved your body so that he could pull it off over your head. You kicked off your pants, letting them fall onto the floor. Harry pulled away from you, moving the blanket off of your body so that he could get a good look at you. The cool air of the bedroom combined with his eyes taking in your body made goosebumps rise on your skin. Harry took your hand in his before dragging his fingertips down your wrist, then down your arm. He traced the curve of your breasts spilling out from your bra, causing you to suck in a breath. His fingers danced across your skin, down your sternum and down your belly, stopping at the seam of your underwear before moving just inside the band, brushing back and forth slowly. His eyes followed his finger all the while, taking in every inch of your exposed skin.

“You’re so beautiful,” He hummed contentedly. Your face was burning all the way up to your ears, his words only making the heat rise further. His finger was teasing you, less than an inch inside your panties and moving agonizingly slowly. He kissed you again, his lips moving as slowly as his hands. Your entire body was ablaze, your center throbbing desperately as his fingers moved across your skin. His hand inched closer before finally finding your cl*t. You gasped into his mouth as his fingers began their movements, pressing small circles into you. You let your legs fall apart for him, waiting for more. Already you could feel the tension building inside of you.

“I love you so much,” He mumbled into the kiss.

“I love you more, Harry.” You swore to him, your hips lifting slightly off the mattress to meet his hand. “Fuck-”

His fingers moved up and down your slit, spreading your wetness across your lips. It was agonizing how badly you wanted him. Harry moved his mouth to your neck, his tongue dragging across your skin. Suddenly he pressed himself into you, two fingers pushing themselves inside.

“Fuck.” You said again. You felt his smile against your neck. He moved his fingers in and out, pumping slowly.

“Please, Harry.” You begged. You couldn’t take it much longer, needing to feel him inside of you. All of him. He honored your wishes without making you specify, sliding your panties down your legs and to the floor. He kissed your neck as he unclasped your bra. Harry moved himself between your parted legs, sitting up so that he could take your body in with his eyes. He was wearing a pair of boxer briefs and nothing else when you had crawled into bed with him, and you could see in the dim lighting the outline of his cock stretching the fabric. You covered your breasts with your hands, feeling embarrassed by his gaze.

“Am I making you shy?” He asked sweetly, a soft smirk playing on his face. You nodded helplessly. He bent down, giving you another kiss on the mouth. “You’re perfect, sunflower,” he assured you, nuzzling into your neck. “So beautiful.”

His head moved to your chest, his hands gently moving your arms away. His mouth found your nipple, nipping softly. Your hands went to his hair instantly, the shock of his mouth on you making your mouth fall open. He shoved his underwear down his thighs, letting them join the rest of your clothes on the floor.

“We can still stop.” He said, his body over yours. “I’m not going to do anything that you don’t want to, you understand that right?”

You nodded wordlessly. His mouth met yours again as he lined himself up with you. His hips moved slowly, barely pressing into you. His hands entwined with yours, his fingers between your own, pinning your arms down to the mattress above your head.

“Is this okay?” He asked one final time. He was struggling to keep his voice even, feeling the head of his dick graze you.

“Yes.” You said, lifting your head to kiss him. “Yes, please Harry.”

And so he pushed into you. Your abdomen tensed, the familiar feeling of his girth making you cry out softly. His movements were slow and steady, gentle and caring. His mouth never left yours as he buried himself inside of you. His movements sped up slightly, earning more soft cries and gasps from you.

“Fuck, Y/N,” He mumbled. Your eyes shut tightly, his movements picking up even more speed. You liked the way his voice sounded as he moved into you, husky and deep and needy. You wanted to say something to him, too, trying to use what little thought you could muster up something sexy to say.

“You--” You began, barely unable to make your voice come out as your body was overcome with pleasure. “You feel… so good.” You managed to tell him between thrusts.

He grunted into your mouth, enjoying your dirty words. You wanted to make him feel good, so good, so you continued uttering what little phrases you could think of.

“You’re so big…” You whined to him, earning another moan. “It’s so good, Harry.”

He removed his hands from yours, using one arm to hold himself up and the other to palm your breast roughly. He was plowing into you now, your body moving up and down towards the headboard above you.

“I love you.” He told you through a clenched jaw. It was cute, the way you were whispering dirty things to him and he responded with the one thing going through his head. In some weird way you could feel how much he loved you through each of his movements.

“And you’re all mine, huh?” He grunted. You felt another wave of heat come over your body at his words. “My pretty little sunflower…”

“All yours.” You promised him. His hips stuttered slightly before thrusting into you a final time. He pulled himself out of you, coming on your stomach.

“Fuck.” He said one last time, breathing heavily. He took a moment to collect himself. He stood, walking toward the door, your body left shaking behind him. He came back a moment later from the bathroom with a tissue in hand, which he used to wipe you clean. You wanted to hold him, to tell him how amazing he was and how in love you were and how perfect he felt inside of you. He wasted no time, though, kissing you again.

“Sorry about that,” He said, seeming embarrassed. You furrowed your brow, unsure what he meant. “I was trying to hold out but you just sounded so pretty saying all those things to me.”

Your entire chest burned with embarrassment. You smiled shyly at him.

“You liked that?” You asked, feeling small. He gave you a wicked grin in return.

“I liked hearing you say you were mine.” He told you, kissing you again. “All mine…”

You kissed a moment longer before he stopped suddenly.

“But now we need to take care of you. You made me come so fast I didn’t even get to take care of you, did I?”

Your heart was in your throat as he spoke, his words slow and soft. His hands moved down your stomach tauntingly.

“I usually last longer, I swear. But you were just too good....”

His hands come back to you, his mouth returning to your breasts. Your breath hitched, and you knew it wouldn’t take long for you to come undone. His fingers moved expertly, twisting the knot in your stomach tighter and tighter until you couldn’t hold out any longer.

“Harry..” You moaned. He looked up at you, a smile beaming on his face as he realized. He brought his lips back to your neck, his fingers picking up speed to bring you all the way over the edge. You were breathing quickly, you chest rising and falling rapidly as Harry whispered into your neck how good you were doing, how beautiful you looked, how much he loved you. Your body tensed, your legs shaking as you came under his fingers.

“Good girl..” He whispered, a smile pressed to your neck. “Just like that…”

You laid there, once his hand was removed from you, breathing heavily. You could barely keep your eyes open, feeling sleepy and satisfied and “freshly fucked”. Harry laid down, bringing you to his chest.

“That was amazing.” You whispered. Your body was still shaking as he held you.

“Yeah.” He agreed, his chest still struggling to catch his breath. You closed your eyes, content and so in love you could die.

“I could watch you do that over and over,” He mused into your hair. “You have no idea what you do to me, looking like that.”

You just smiled into his chest, feeling shy and flattered and embarrassed. He kissed the top of your head.

“But we can do that tomorrow.” He said, smug. You gulped, your body already pulsing for him again. “You need to get some sleep first.”

“Orrrrr..” Harry purred after a slight pause. “We could do it one more time. For good measure.”

You didn’t need any more convincing, pushing him onto the mattress to climb on top of him. His hands were instantly on you, gripping your hips. You kissed him, not bothering to be gentle this time. You lowered yourself onto him, his dick rock hard for you again already, sucking in a sharp breath.

“Jesus Christ,” Harry said into your hair. You sucked the skin on his neck, not caring how many marks you left on him. His hands reached around to grip your ass, squeezing tightly. He guided you with his hands to quicken your movements. You were happy to do as he wished, wanting to hear all the little noises he was making again and again and again.

“Sit up.” He said sternly. You did as he said, lifting yourself so your hands were pressed to his chest as you rode him. You felt like you could explode, your body feelings things it never had before. The way he gazed up at you, eyebrows furrowed and mouth hung open, stirred things inside of you like nothing else ever had.

“Good girl..” he hummed, encouraging you to keep moving. Your thighs were stinging already, but it was worth it to watch the look on his face. “Such a good girl..”

It didn’t take long for you to come again, collapsing onto him as you cried out his name. He held you onto your chest as your legs have out, lifting his hips to thrust into you as you rode out your high. He was soon to follow, pulling out quickly before releasing onto your ass.

Harry leaned off the bed slightly, holding onto you so you wouldn’t fall, grabbing his discarded t-shirt from earlier in the night to wipe away the evidence. He pressed you onto his chest when he was done, gripping your hair with his hand.

“You did so good.” He praised you. His heart pounded under your ear. You could feel yourself yearning for him again at his words.

“I love you.” You told him, unable to think of anything else to say.

“I love you so much, sunflower.” He said, lifting your face to kiss you one last time. “Now we really need to get some sleep.”

“Okay.” You agreed begrudgingly, wondering if he had it in him to go one more time. You could barely fight the heaviness in your eyelids, though, Harry’s heavy breathing lulling your to sleep.

Harry laid there like that on his back, you clinging to the side of him with your head on his chest. Harry’s hand rubbed sleepily up and down your spine. His skin was slightly damp under you. You peppered small kisses on his ribs until sleep finally took you. It was blissful, everything right in the world. Everything you’d ever wanted, right here.