#oh dean...

Has it never occurred to you? Have you never mused upon the fact that you're living my life in reverse? My story began when I killed my brother, and that's where your story inevitably will end.

First ... first, you'd kill Crowley. There'd be some strange, mixed feelings on that one, but you'd have your reason. You'd get it done, no remorse.

And then you'd kill the angel, Castiel. Now, that one ... that I suspect would hurt something awful.

And then would come the murder you'd never survive, the one that would finally turn you into as much of a savage as it did me.  Your brother, Sam. The only thing standing between you and that destiny is this Blade. You're welcome, my son.

First, I understand this has been discussed literally to death. And then resurrected and killed again, taken to parties and dressed up for photos, had runes carved into it, turned into mulch... This was all a very prolonged Shower Thought that wouldn’t leave me alone until I typed it out.

We know of five relationships for Cain; Lucifer, who gave him the Mark. Abel, the brother he killed. Abaddon, the lieutenant he made who betrayed him out of jealousy. Colette, his wife who he loved enough to change, to stop, who he killed. And Dean, the next bearer of the Mark, the one he “felt connected to right from the beginning. Kindred spirits.” Who he’s about to kill.

Three of these things match, one does not, and one looks an awful lot like the end of the season so we’ll come back in a sec.*

   “Can we talk?” 

She swallowed hard as they walked to the sitting room and he moved towards her. She subtly bit at her fingernail as she stood with an arm bent. It dropped and she finally spoke, attempting to keep her voice steady. “I...Dean--”

Dean stood his ground this time and shook his head a little. “Alissa, I need to tell you something and I need you to listen. Please.” His words prompted her to lift her eyes to his and he saw that she had been crying. He smiled faintly, trying to mask what, he could only guess, would be disappointment and closed the space between them and took her face in his hands, his thumb grazing her cheek. “You really don’t know, do you?” he asked quietly, searching her eyes.

Ten minutes prior...

Dean sighed as he walked down the path from Alissa’s house. She wasn’t home and the maid wasn’t sure where she’d gone. Glancing around the Settlement, he looked in the direction of his father’s house and considered going there. Instead, he turned and walked the other direction, suddenly having an idea of where he might find her and hoping he was right. Sure enough, she was leading her horse back to the stables nearly at the exact moment he stepped foot on the Cavalli estate where she kept Ash. She looked slightly windswept and lurched to a stop when she spotted him and quickly pulled her gaze away and led the horse into the stables. 

Dean sighed as she continued to ignore him. “Alissa...” Sighing again and reaching a hand through his hair he took a step towards the entrance of the stable, saying, “Alissa, can we talk?” 

“Now you want to talk?” 

He grimaced a little. He deserved that. “I know you’re mad at me but--” 

“I’m not mad at you. I’m frustrated.” 

“I know,” Dean said quietly. “Look, I’m trying to fix things but it’s not something that’s easy for me to talk about.” 

A look of hurt crossed her features. “It’s hard to talk about. Got it.” She threw up her hands in frustration and started to stalk past him. “Fine.” 

“Alissa, don’t walk away from me.” His bluntness surprised both of them and she turned back to him.

“Why? So we can continue talking about not talking?” 

“Aliss--” 

“Do you have any idea how frustrating you’re being--” 

“-I know but--” Dean tried to interject but was interrupted again.

“--Seriously. What the fuck--” 

Before she could say anything more or have time to catch up with her thoughts, Dean suddenly took a purposeful step towards her and took her face in his hands. His lips zeroed in on hers and he silenced her with a kiss. She let out a small noise of surprise but to her own astonishment she kissed him back. Encouraged by her response he pulled her in closer, his hand moving into her hair. Starting to withdraw, he tenderly kissed her bottom lip and the corner of her mouth and drew in a deep breath that he slowly released. He kept her close, their foreheads touching and the pad of his thumb caressed her cheek, continuing to hold her face in his warm hands. His heart was racing. 

Their eyes met. Finally seeming to process what happened, Alissa’s mouth opened to say something but no words came out. She remained frozen for a moment before she quickly moved away from him and she bolted out of the stable.

“Alis---” He started to call after her but his words fell short and he let out a small sigh of frustration. She vanished from sight. He rubbed at his face with his hands briefly. “No,” he decided to himself aloud, “You aren’t going to just let her walk away.” With quick steps, he left the stable and started back towards Ascalon Settlement.

Present...

Alissa looked at him blankly and opened her mouth to speak but redirected her train of thought. Her brows creased. “What’s wrong?” she asked quietly, noting his visage was riddled with disappointment and something else she couldn’t quite place. 

Dean drew in a breath. Here goes nothing... ”I’m sorry, Alissa. I know you’re frustrated with me and you have every right to be. I’m sorry I kissed you. I should’ve...” he sighed and struggled to continue, dropping his gaze to the floor. “The thing is... I’m in love with you. And I have been for a long time.” He stood motionless and waited for her reaction, knowing he wouldn’t be able to take his words back.

She blinked, looking at him blankly. “Wait, what?”

He slowly lifted his head and forced himself to make eye contact with her. “I love you,” he repeated quietly, trying to decipher her expression but bracing himself for disappointment. 

Alissa stood there in stunned silence and seemed to be deep in thought. Of course he loved her. He had only been desperately trying to get her attention for years and she had been too stupid to see it. “I...” her voice trailed off. 

He sighed and looked at the floor again, trying to hide his disappointment. “I’m sorry, Alissa. I shouldn’t have said anything. I don’t want to make things awkward between us. If you want me to go...” 

She interrupted him, putting a hand on his arm and shaking her head. “No, no. Dean...why are you sorry?” To his surprise, she was smiling when he looked at her and she touched his jaw and continued, “You don’t have to apologize for how you feel. I’m just...I wasn’t expecting...I had no idea...” Her words started to come out stammered and she let out a weak laugh. “I feel really stupid...” She sighed a little. “How long have you had feelings for me?” 

“A long time,” Dean admitted. His hand reached up and brushed some of her hair behind her ear, lightly playing with the strands between his fingers. “I wanted to tell you; so many times. There were moments I was sure you would figure it out because I said too much or the wrong thing. I mean, it started out as just a stupid crush. But...the more time I started to spend with you and the better I got to know you, it grew into something more than that. And I tried to just...stop but I can’t and I don’t want to.” 

Alissa let out a weak chuckle, feeling her eyes mist up. “Dean, I’m a mess. I’m bossy and I don’t listen. I’m stubborn and independent and am not good at asking for help. And that’s only scratching the surface when you take into account how self destructive I can be and my horrible track record with relationships.” 

Dean looked at her calmly, a trace of amusement in his eyes and he laughed quietly. “Are you done?” he murmured. “Cause I’m hearing a lot of self deprecating and none of that makes me want you any less. Besides, you’re telling me this like I don’t already know.” He chuckled again and lightly touched her chin, prompting her face closer but he didn’t kiss her as much as he wanted to. He reached for one of her hands and gently held it in his. 

She reached up to wipe at her eyes as she listened to him speak so open and honestly. Drawing in a breath, she looked at the floor. “I never realized how much I really needed you. You’ve...always been right there. Patiently waiting.” 

“I never wanted you to feel like I wanted anything from you. I just wanted you to know I was here if you needed me.” He lightly touched her chin with his thumb. “I’m sorry this is overwhelming. I didn’t want it to be but I’m not sorry that I finally told you how I feel.” He glanced at the floor. 

Alissa still looked stunned and was unsure what to say but she caught the look of disappointment on his face and moved in closer to him, encircling her arms around his torso. “I’m glad you told me, too,” she said quietly. “So, what happens now?” 

“Well. I kind had this plan to ask you out and everything and then tell you I was hopelessly in love with you but...well. --Yeah.” He reached up a hand and lightly scratched the back of his head and let out a soft laugh. “It didn’t go as planned. I didn’t plan on kissing you in a horse stable either, but it was also the only way to get you to shut up since you wouldn’t let me get a word in edge wise.” He smiled lopsidedly. 

She laughed. “I’m not sure I would’ve been any less shocked if it’d happened any other way, to be honest,” Alissa admitted. “So, where are we going on this date?” 

Dean smiled broadly; boyishly. “Well. I have some plans. You free tonight?” 

The Mark of Cain arc as a whole has spent a lot of time doing callbacks to season four, both visually and thematically.  We’re back in hell with Dean, we’re visiting the basement (9.13, 9.23, 10.09), we’re looking at torture and violence and death.

10.10 had this lovely callback to Dean torturing

Dean’s back in the basement, torturing, because they need answers.

And then we hit 10.14.  Dean’s been struggling for months with the time he spent as a demon, he’s got a knife in his hand because he said yes and made a deal, cause he was in a bad place and it seemed like a way out. And oh he doesn’t want to admit it, but he liked how it felt the first time he used that Blade on someone else. I tortured souls and I liked it, I like the disease.

We come to a point of conflict - the worst demon you’ve heard of, the demon who remade Dean into something Else, is locked in a room inside of a devil’s trap, waiting. How much did you learn from me boy, can you best the master of the craft (torture from Alastair, murder from Cain).

There’s a beat outside the door, while Dean talks it out. Then, it was “You ask me to open that door and walk through it, you will not like what walks back out.”

Now, “I need you three out here to take out whatever comes out of there. And I'm serious. I mean whatever comes out.”

He knows that by stepping into that room, going across the line into the demon trap, he’s going to be confronting his own humanity and how much he’s lost, what amount of darkness is in his soul. Monster or hunter, Dean, which one? It’s a fight, back and forth.

"Is that all you’ve got?”

“This is weaker than I expect from you with the Blade, I think you can do better.”

The master gains the upper hand.

When the fight is over, Dean is broken. Not a monster, not yet. He did what he had to do (and oh how I hate that phrase through the years of this show, Dean selling his soul, Sam drinking blood, Cas fighting Raphael, letting Gadreel into Sam, taking another angel’s grace, setting Lester up to die to find Dean... everything that goes into the spell to break the Mark, and Dean’s lowest point of standing in front of Sam with a scythe in his hand knowing it’s what he must do to save the world from himself...)  Now he has to live with the damage, with the knowledge that he is not strong enough to face what comes next (he won’t be able to save Sam, he won’t be able to resist the Mark).

Castiel, on the other hand, is getting visual callbacks to s5 and s6, and while I know exactly where s10 and the whole damn show goes, from a “I’m deliberately analyzing this season without overlying the knowledge of what comes later” standpoint it makes me nervous.

And it is written, the river shall end at the source.

One of the wtf lines you just have to glare at due to plot derailment. I cobbled a functional pseudo interpretation together while we were analyzing the Hansel and Gretel episode, cause “kids” pinged in my head and made me look at the patterns to that point.

All of s10 up to 10.14 is playing with internal darkness and duality, we’ve talked about that a lot.  But there’s also a string of a) the history you left, the life you left behind and tried to shed and now you find it’s still there, b) children with trauma or childhood trauma looking for revenge.  And a lot of blood.

10.01-03 has Sam pulling Dean back to a life (and the humanity) he tried to leave behind with literal blood. Cas and Hannah spend the same time pulling unwilling angels back to a life they tried to leave, and it gets bloody. Cole shows up with massive childhood trauma looking for revenge and specifically blood.

10..04, A young woman with a curse that makes her crave blood and hearts returns to her childhood home and a bloodthirsty monster is born because she couldn’t leave that life behind.

10.05, John and Mary husband and wife, bringing home a brand new life. The foundational childhood trauma of the show, all set to music you can really tap your toe too, while a monster in the basement waits for blood and sacrifice.

10.06, There’s a secret child locked in an attic, a monster that wants revenge for how it was treated.

10.07 moves some familiar pieces back into place, Cole returns with his childhood trauma, Cas brings up Jimmy’s life and his decision to move on, Hannah’s vessel has her old life walk in the door with her abandoned husband.

10.08, a vampire who abandoned his bloodthirsty killing ways and is trying to live in peace with his curse is running a cop convention, while Jody laments the difficulties of parenthood. The children that Vampire Sheriff bit and turned and trained come back, looking for blood, and kill the one who made them like this.

10.09 and .10, Cas finds Claire, a kid from a past life with trauma a mile long who’s heading down a dangerous road, one that results in a ton of blood thanks to Dean. Claire goes looking for revenge for losing her “family”, and the last conversation she has with Cas is about letting go of some of the monster inside of her.

10.11, Charlie pops back from a children’s story split into two beings, one who is innocent and one with blood on her hands.  And she’s back to look for revenge and justice for childhood trauma (the death of Charlie’s parents and how it was covered up).

Crowley gets Rowena back in his life, the parent who abandoned him and who he still has a lot of trauma and angst over.

The witch in 10.12 is taking people, turning them back into children, and cannibalizing them.  Blood soup.  With bones in.  There’s a man helping her who made a choice that turned him into a monster, and now he’s got this magical mark like a weight around his neck that he uses to kill other people to feed an addiction to blood.

10.13, a dead man comes back to get revenge, a desire that turns him into an unrecognizable monster. He’s stopped by someone he loves asking him to let go of the anger and the pain and revenge.

10.14, Cain decides to kill off all of his children.  Every bit of his bloodline, every wretched drop he ignored for millennia, he’s going to kill them all in a bloodbath. He comes to kill a child when he’s captured and stopped, and talks about a sequence of deaths and traumas that defined his life. Traumas Dean is going to repeat, just backwards. And the first, the origin of all the darkness and death, was his younger brother. Family and children...

From the legend Crowley told Dean in 9.23, this and the hunger of the Mark led to Cain trying to end his own existence. He woke up with black eyes.

The whole season was etched in a very specific pattern.  Duality, light and internal darkness, monstrous curses, addiction to blood and killing.  Childhood trauma and the consequences of a previous life. And more than that, going back to deal with it. When the mirrors are positive, it’s about letting go of the darkness, the monster, the pain, accept who you are, all of who you are. The good and the bad.

Go back to the source, and you’ll be able to fix what’s broken inside.  The unending stream of anger and blood will finally end.

S10 was going somewhere very different then where it does after 10.14.  But this is all exactly why Mary had to come back - there was old trauma and pain in Dean that caused anger and darkness he didn’t know how to deal with (see s1 onward...), and it’s so integral to Dean and his arc. It’s that first loss and grief, the absence, that needed addressing. She wasn’t going to be brought back here, though Amara and the absence of the feminine in s11 plays off of all this quite well. The pieces that were in play were acceptance and love.

I still absolutely cannot with the amount of LoTR parallels they managed to stuff into the second half of 13x21.  It’s in the music even, I can distinctly hear themes and chord progressions from both Fellowship and RotK.

It was delightful at the time, and it still makes me grin, but I’m just... coming back to it knowing how s13 ended, knowing where s14 storyline goes...

Sam and Dean both end up as Frodo.  Dean is following the story path after Moria, where the protagonist is struggling with the death of a very dear friend.  That death and loss forces him to leave his companions, to try and do *everything* alone.  The weight of saving the world is squarely on his shoulders, and this is the point where he says “This is my task, and mine alone.”  It’s not too long after this he ends up making a devil’s bargain, he needs help that only one creature can provide (Gollum, Michael)

Sam, on the other hand, is much further along in the story, near Cirith Ungol.  Frodo “dies” in the story, set up to be lunch for Shelob, and instead his body is dragged off to be tortured.  He’s a spy, must be, he knows about the Ring, he must; torture him and you’ll get the prize, you’ll win the war.