joie de vivre

​i lied. i don't like sex. open heart surgery

one of my fears is that i'll be 7 hours down my dash reblogging things not knowing that, like, the end of the world is happening. everyone is posting shit like FUCK THE MARTIANS HAVE TOUCHED DOWN IN LOS ANGELES CALIFORNIA meanwhile i'm like here's a picture of snoopy :-)

we all have to live forever and lez out okay?

ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to be someones lame ass boyfriend

aftercare but for your job

asked one of my coworkers how she's doing today and she goes "could be better, could be worse," and another coworker nearby who was eavesdropping chimes in with "could be a lil bit o' alligator curse!" i have no idea what he meant by that but i do know that it has been immediately added to the lexicon.

so you know that cursed sword that slowly drives whoever wields it mad & causes mysterious illnesses? you guessed it: scabbard was absolutely loaded with black mold

genuinely sickening to think about how men pop up out of holes in the ground and you have to swing a mallet and hit them over the head to get them to stop

it’s weird that professional letters are supposed to start with “dear.” i don’t even call my mom that

my darling hiring manager. my springtime rose. if hired i will bring a strong work ethic to this position

i dont have any "tinnitus" i have an angel who lives in my blood and she likes to sing songs for me. ok