lately whenever someone comes at me sideways online, or more often, when i see a public post or exchange that denigrates me or my interests, and that shit starts to make me seethe, i take a deep angry breath and painstakingly remind myself that "every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is a tragic expression or an unmet need" (ty marshall rosenberg).
then i look at my little list of universal human needs and imagine how the interlocutor in question might be speaking from a place of one of those unmet needs until i calm down
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Synopsis: You and Vanitas, seek refuge in a deserted mansion during a storm. After exploring the mansion and talking through the night, a sudden attraction between the two arises, leading to a primal desire that they both give in to.
Notes: Some people have been saying that drinking blood between 'vampires in Vanitas no carte' is a way to show their intimacy, no matter what kind of relationship. In the cabin scene between Vanitas and Jeanne it is thought to be a way of portraying a sexual action. This post takes inspiration from that thought.
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You and Vanitas had been wandering through the dark forest, seeking shelter from the sudden storm that had caught you by surprise. Rain pelted against your skin, and lightning illuminated the path. Both of you had been traveling together for some time now but were still getting to know each other. You admired Vanitas' courage and wit, while Vanitas was drawn to your kindness and beauty.
As you stumbled upon a deserted mansion, you decided to seek refuge inside, hoping to wait out the storm. The door creaked as Vanitas, with your help, pushed it open, revealing a long, dimly-lit hallway. Then, you cautiously made your way through the mansion, the eerie silence only broken by the sound of the footsteps.
The atmosphere was oppressive, and you felt a sense of unease, wondering if you had made a mistake in seeking shelter here. Vanitas, on the other hand, was unfazed. He cracked jokes and made light of the situation in his usual teasing tone, putting you at ease.
"Who needs fresh air when you can breathe in the musty scent of ancient ruins?" Vanitas joked in a sarcastic tone. "You know, you could make a career out of stand-up comedy." You chuckled quietly. "You really know how to flatter a guy [Name]. But let's focus on getting out of here first, and then we'll worry about my potential comedy career."
Suddenly, you heard a creaking noise and a trapdoor in the floor gave way, causing Vanitas to fall through. Acting quickly, you followed him down the trapdoor, landing on top of him.
Laying on the ground, having the wind knocked out of him, he managed to gasp out a witty remark despite the pain, "I always knew I had a soft spot for you. Turns out it's my ribcage."
You pouted, dismissing his joke with a blush, "Um,, are you okay? Sorry for, eh,, landing on you like that..."
"Don't you worry, [Name]. My ribcage is made of steel. Or maybe it's just the corset...either way, I'm good as new.". He knocked on the corset under his coat, as if it were a piece of armor. Light giggles could be heard from your side, as you were trying to cover your laughter, in vain. You were glad it was Vanitas who stood by your side in this situation. He was always able to turn an uncanny situation into a funny adventure.
You two had already been exploring the abandoned mansion for hours, searching for a way out. The old walls seemed to stretch on forever, and every door in the path was locked tight. The air was heavy with dust and the sound of footsteps echoed ominously. After a long time had passed, you were able to open a single door and found yourselves in a small room in the mansion's second story, surrounded by old furniture, huge windows, and cobwebs. How did you even end in the second story after falling downwards? That was a mystery by itself.
Seeing as you were going to have to stay there for a while, you both decided to make yourselves comfortable. As the night wore on, the two of you started to talk, sharing stories about your pasts and dreams for the future. Most of the talking was done by you, but still, it was quite rare to hear so much about vanitas, as he was very reserved when it came to talking about himself. That is why you listened intently, feeling a connection to him that you couldn't quite explain.
As the night wore on, you couldn't help but notice how handsome Vanitas was, with his sharp features and piercing gaze. You felt a sudden attraction to him, a desire that was too strong to ignore. Vanitas too felt drawn to you, noticing the little things that made you unique. The way you smiled, the way you moved... He found himself thinking about you more and more as the night went on, wondering what it would be like to be with you. It felt like the mansion enchanted you, made you feel different, made you show the emotions you had buried inside of you.
While you talked and laughed, your bodies slowly began to draw closer. You leaned in towards each other, your eyes locked in a passionate gaze. You could feel your heart racing, your body trembling with anticipation.
You felt Vanitas' body heat against yours, and something inside you shifted. As if sensing your thoughts, Vanitas turned to you with a smirk. "You know, I always knew you had a thing for me," he teased, nudging you softly with his elbow.
You blushed, feeling embarrassed but also strangely exhilarated. "Shut up," you muttered, leaning into him.
Suddenly, you felt a powerful urge to bite Vanitas. It was a strange desire, one that you had never experienced before. But the more you thought about it, the more you wanted it. How would his blood taste like? What would it feel like to be intimate with him as your fangs penetrate his body with a slight resistance from his body?
Vanitas noticed your restlessness and leaned in, his breath hot against your ear. "What's on your mind?" he whispered. He sensed your desire, and without letting you speak, he joked about it. "You really have it bad for me, huh?" he said with a grin.
But then he looked into your eyes and saw the hunger there. And something in him shifted too. He had always been attracted to you, but this was different. This was a primal, raw desire that he couldn't ignore.
In the heat of the moment, both of you gave in to your desires. You sank your teeth into Vanitas' neck, feeling the warm rush of blood in your mouth. It was like nothing you had ever experienced before - a heady mix of pleasure and pain, intimacy, and danger.
He let out a small gasp, but he didn't stop you. He wanted this just as much as you did, if not more. "You're really going to do it, aren't you?" he teased, his eyes sparkling with amusement, gasping between words.
There was no response from your side, as you were too caught up in the sensation of his blood gliding into your mouth, feeling his warmth inside you, moving through all your extremities. He was inside you. You felt a rush of emotions, a mix of desire, love, and gratitude towards Vanitas for allowing you to do this. As you drank, you could feel his heartbeat slowing down, his body relaxing against yours. Vanitas cheeks became warm, his gaze unfocused. He could barely keep his head steady, looking at you with an expression full of pleasure.
You felt Vanitas' hand reach up to hold onto your arm gently. He was careful, but worried about you getting carried away. You, on the other hand, was lost in the sensation covering all of your body. It was a feeling that you could never have imagined before, and it was so much better than anything else you had ever experienced.
Vanitas didn't try to pull away, instead he wrapped his arms around you, pressing you against him. He knew how much this meant to you, and he wanted to give you everything you needed. Besides, it wasn't like he didn't enjoy the intimacy of the moment.
When you finally pulled away, he could feel the mark you had left on his neck, a faint sting that only added to the pleasure of the experience. He grinned, running his hand through your hair. "You know, I'm pretty sure I'm the only human in history who can say they've been bitten by a vampire and enjoyed it."
You laughed softly, nuzzling your face into his chest. "You're such a dork, Vanitas."
He chuckled, supporting his chin on your head. "Hey, I take offense to that. I'm a very serious and important person."
"Right, of course,” you said in a teasing manner, your voice laced with affection.
You laid together in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the afterglow of the moment. The room was quiet, save for the sound of their breathing and the occasional creak of the old mansion settling. Outside, the moon shone down on the garden, casting long shadows across the floor.
As you drifted off to sleep, Vanitas felt a sense of peace wash over him. He knew the both of you were still in danger, still trapped in the mansion. But he also knew that you both were in this together, and that was all that mattered.
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Use Non Violent Communication to speak your truth and establish boundaries to protect your well-being and meet your needs.
When we try to shield someone from their pain, we take away their opportunity to discover their power. But when we truly heal and take care of our own issues, that’s when we are able to love others more deeply.
It’s important to learn to be in deep and emotionally intimate relationships with other human beings, without taking responsibility for anyone else’s feelings or pain. So often in a relationship one does not speak the truth, is fearful of being real, hides true feelings, and may try to control the relationship in many subtle ways in the name of care, protection, and love.
Having intimacy without responsibility for others is about practicing the art and skill of freedom in a relationship and moving toward more love and care for self. We realize that when we truly heal and take care of ALL of our own issues, we are able to love others more deeply.
Any issue or pain not resolved with our parents can be reenacted in later adult relationships: unresolved old wounds or trauma. Our partners will activate and trigger our original family imprints.
It is not one’s responsibility to take care of, protect, enable, force outcomes, control, manipulate, or take care of someone else’s feelings. Yes, it is beautiful to love someone and care deeply about how they feel, yet it is not healthy to stop them from feeling life experiences or manipulate the environment to control what goes on.
Sometimes, caretaking and feeling responsible for someone else becomes a distraction from self — from one’s own pain and inner life. Walking on eggshells around a partner, family member, colleague, etc. is another way one may attempt to control someone else’s feelings for fear of some kind of reaction from the other, such as anger, rage, or even depression and sadness.
It is healthy for one’s body, mind, and soul to be able to speak your truth, be honest despite fear, and take responsibility for yourself only.
When I try to shield you from your pain or hurt feelings, I take away your opportunity to discover your own personal power. When I shield my loved one from pain or hurt, I am taking away their opportunity to discover their greatness, often from the natural consequences that can be utilized for growth, where they find their strength.
By making a clear request of what I want, I give attention to what I want in my relationships, rather than focusing on what I do not want. Whatever I give my attention to grows.
By discovering your own truth and values — by looking deeply at your feelings and the needs they’re telling you about — you learn the importance of accepting yourself. Then, with this clearer perspective, you can accept and love others, too, from a place of balance and abundance.
Often, when stressed, we tend to grasp onto control strategies with even more intensity. We do the time-honored maneuver to avoid uncomfortable feelings. When things seem overwhelming, we can convince ourselves that we’d feel better if only we could get things to move and bend more the way we wish they would, instead of turning toward our feelings and meeting our needs.
“According to Marshall Rosenberg, "no conflict exists at the level of human needs" because all humans share the same fundamental needs, and conflict only arises when people clash over the different strategies they use to meet those needs.”
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"Anger is not simply an emotion. It is a highly evolved biological process and a deeply personal experience. Rather than judging, stifling, or fearing our anger, we should turn toward it and listen carefully. We should notice what it does to our bodies. And, once we have taken the vital pause to allow those signals to ease, we can put our cerebral cortex in the driver’s seat and interrogate our anger, asking what is wrong and deciding what action is or is not called for in this socio-cultural context.
Amanda Smith Barusch from Aging angry : making peace with rage
