Back again, trying to unpack more bullshit thats come up since moving into the apartment.
I think at least part of it is due to who's been fronting the last couple days (Nova, also who's currently fronting). I am the anger holder. Wasn't my original purpose. Not even close. When I first formed it was because I was so overwhelmingly happy that it felt like blue flames. Fire burning away all of the shitty memories and leaving only joy in its wake. Now all that's left is the rage. So anytime I front we all just get angry and overreact to every fucking thing.
The other part is related to what we wrote yesterday. Lack of individuality. Today more specifically its that I feel like Im just sitting around the apartment doing fuck all even when my partner is working on things. He's been assembling furniture for us, which, amazing, love that, love that I dont have to do it cause I would crash out immediately if I tried to do it. The issue is that he spent 4+ hours today assembling a buffet cart for our kitchen. I spent all day waiting for him to get done because there's literally nothing for me to do until its done. I tried (again, for like the 6th time) to hang my posters (one of the very few things in this apartment thats actually mine) and yet again failed. Thumb tacks wont go into our wall. Hanging posters with nails is fucking stupid. The wall adhesive I went out and bought today apparently will damage the wall. Blue tack wont show up until tomorrow. Im just reaching a huge wall of frustration. And tomorrow we're going to the DMV which im sure will go 100% smooth and have no problems /s.
I guess the part I need to address is why waiting and not being helpful are so activating for me. I mean I feel like thats pretty obvious. Not being helpful is dangerous when you live with a control freak. Not being helpful is dangerous when labor is the only reason people keep you, feed you, house you etc. Waiting is perceived as laziness.
Well that one makes a lot of sense but now im shaking and still angry. I feel Euclid trying to move me away or at least allow him to co front. Maybe ill let him who know. Also apparently maybe the body has narcolepsy and we need to try and actually get some kind of treatment for that? As if we needed something else to deal with.