#nova vesselsystem

If I didnt have migraines I could see friends more often without worrying. Today I had to choose between gaming with a friend and making an already shitty 2 day migraine worse. I often worry that ill go out to see friends, on a date, to the store, literally anything I enjoy and I will end up getting a migraine half way through and it will be ruined for me. I've had a migraine almost every single day in November and December. I think there's been maybe 10 days combined from both months that were completely headache and aura free.

Then I think about when the headaches started as a kid. I got my first migraine when I was 13. It came on so suddenly that it felt like I had been punched in the face. I had to ask my father to cover my bedroom window so that I could lay in the pitch dark whenever I had one. I told a doctor when I was 15 that I had had the same headache every single day for 2 years and she laughed in my fucking face. "Maybe you're just tired." "Maybe try reducing your stress" "Avoid common migraine triggers" Go fucking fuck yourself. "Migraine triggers" are a heaping load of bullshit because you know what "common triggers" are? Every goddamn thing. Having caffeine, not having any caffiene, too much sugar, not enough sugar, eat too little or too much, getting too much sleep or not enough, consuming pot or cigarettes or avoiding them. Its not me triggering a migraine through my own negligence. Its not like I have an allergy that yields consistent results every time I consume it. I will get a migraine no matter what the fuck I do.

I think at least part of it is due to who's been fronting the last couple days (Nova, also who's currently fronting). I am the anger holder. Wasn't my original purpose. Not even close. When I first formed it was because I was so overwhelmingly happy that it felt like blue flames. Fire burning away all of the shitty memories and leaving only joy in its wake. Now all that's left is the rage. So anytime I front we all just get angry and overreact to every fucking thing.

The other part is related to what we wrote yesterday. Lack of individuality. Today more specifically its that I feel like Im just sitting around the apartment doing fuck all even when my partner is working on things. He's been assembling furniture for us, which, amazing, love that, love that I dont have to do it cause I would crash out immediately if I tried to do it. The issue is that he spent 4+ hours today assembling a buffet cart for our kitchen. I spent all day waiting for him to get done because there's literally nothing for me to do until its done. I tried (again, for like the 6th time) to hang my posters (one of the very few things in this apartment thats actually mine) and yet again failed. Thumb tacks wont go into our wall. Hanging posters with nails is fucking stupid. The wall adhesive I went out and bought today apparently will damage the wall. Blue tack wont show up until tomorrow. Im just reaching a huge wall of frustration. And tomorrow we're going to the DMV which im sure will go 100% smooth and have no problems /s.

I guess the part I need to address is why waiting and not being helpful are so activating for me. I mean I feel like thats pretty obvious. Not being helpful is dangerous when you live with a control freak. Not being helpful is dangerous when labor is the only reason people keep you, feed you, house you etc. Waiting is perceived as laziness.