#juniper vesselsystem

This year was a doozy for me so I wanted to take a second to remember what all happened this year. If for no other reason than Dissociative Mental Disorder, I'd like to actually remember what happened to me.

- My mental health has been at both an all time high and an all time low at different points this year. Before moving I was having near constant panic attacks especially at night. I was feeling depressed, hopeless, and existential. I was struggling with religious OCD almost every single day. After moving the panic attacks have almost completely stopped, the depression has its days but those days are maybe 1 in 14 instead of 1 in 2. The religious OCD I doubt will ever fully go away but now im able to pray, talk to Her, get Her water every day, and offer Her baked goods with 0 issue 90% of the time.

- The Big Move occurred this year. Me and my fiance moved 1000+ miles away from my hometown to somewhere neither of us had even visited before. And the best part? We fucking love it here. We are surrounded by historic homes, trees, queer community, and snow on the ground. We get to wear our cute sweaters and dont have to bake in the sun 8 months out of the year. I never have to see Kurtis or King or Alex or my mother ever again if I dont want to.

- We got involved in our local community more than we ever did in my hometown. Our local library has classes we plan on attending. Our kink community has a variety of events that are worth attending and not full of swingers and assholes. My fiance might even start teaching art classes to the local queer community because of course he would be incredible at that.

- I upped my T dose and finally addressed my own dysphoria that I had been avoiding for years. I now plan on getting both top and bottom surgery. My insurance might even pay for it.

- We watched more amazing films than I've ever seen in a year. I made a letterboxd so I could actually remember the things I love. Sinners, The Shape of Water, and Wake Up Dead Man are the top 3 btw. I feel like thats just a symptom of being able to take up so much more space in a one bedroom apartment than I ever did in a five bedroom house. I've been so much more myself here. I've also listened to a ton of new music, honorable mentions there are the Hotel Bleu album by Broadside and the NeverAfter album by The Band CAMINO.

- I started DMing for 2 different DND 5e games. Its so much fucking fun and its also a challenge to myself. I've had to do a ton of research and practice creating compelling stories and characters. Every session I play makes me better.

- I got divorced this year. I love my ex-wife very much but this year was the year that we learned how incompatible we are as partners. We're still best friends, I dont think I can even conceive of a version of me without them, but living together was absolutely killing us both. Being able to be honest with each other and ourselves about what we want, our values, and how we want to live finally paved the way for us to move forward. It was scary as fuck and I think we both thought we were gonna lose each other but we didnt.

- "I" rehomed both my dogs. Very similar to the last point, I love my dogs but I didnt like having dogs at all. It was stressing and overwhelming me on the daily. My ex wife kept my smaller dog and they managed to rehome my larger dog to a friend that loves her so much. She's finally getting the walks, socialization, and playtime that she needs and I'm not waking up every morning angry because of the noise and mess.

- I finally formed a healthy relationship with substances and am able to use legal weed to improve my symptoms instead of to escape my life.

- I went out of my way to leave my house and socialize. I can now consistently make plans with friends and actually follow through on them without panicking.

If I didnt have migraines I could see friends more often without worrying. Today I had to choose between gaming with a friend and making an already shitty 2 day migraine worse. I often worry that ill go out to see friends, on a date, to the store, literally anything I enjoy and I will end up getting a migraine half way through and it will be ruined for me. I've had a migraine almost every single day in November and December. I think there's been maybe 10 days combined from both months that were completely headache and aura free.

Then I think about when the headaches started as a kid. I got my first migraine when I was 13. It came on so suddenly that it felt like I had been punched in the face. I had to ask my father to cover my bedroom window so that I could lay in the pitch dark whenever I had one. I told a doctor when I was 15 that I had had the same headache every single day for 2 years and she laughed in my fucking face. "Maybe you're just tired." "Maybe try reducing your stress" "Avoid common migraine triggers" Go fucking fuck yourself. "Migraine triggers" are a heaping load of bullshit because you know what "common triggers" are? Every goddamn thing. Having caffeine, not having any caffiene, too much sugar, not enough sugar, eat too little or too much, getting too much sleep or not enough, consuming pot or cigarettes or avoiding them. Its not me triggering a migraine through my own negligence. Its not like I have an allergy that yields consistent results every time I consume it. I will get a migraine no matter what the fuck I do.

Even if I never see her again