#nothing67

I’ve been fighting with my boyfriend for about a month... I’ve been physically and verbally abusing him because of his mistakes and his behaviour which seemed to me to be wrong. I’ve been fighting with everyone lately, I’ve been picking on them (including my bf) for only the bad things they were doing to me. Yesterday I’ve met a friend of a bestfriend of mine and I didn’t hide my behaviour, my anger. I was shocked to discover that she agrees me. I am not a person to be easily agreed. I was keep saying to my boyfriend in the last week that I got sick of all this fighting, trying not to be angry (because my mom, that bestfriend mentioned early and my boyfriend were always saying to me to keep calm, and I was always failing this.) and everything, but sometimes he only kept pushing my buttons. Until today. Today was the greatest day I’ve ever had in this month. Today I’ve had some playing with my boyfriend and we were keep talking in a cute voice and everything, and he gave to me something I asked for in this day, and he was using it to give me a lesson. He used that thing to teach me something I couldn’t understand only if I was calm. Like today. He, after that, wanted to watch some movies together, but I was saying to him that I was thinking maybe we’ll go out. Because before meeting that friend, I was thinking and saying to my bf that we are always fighting because we never go outside like we used to before, and meeting that friend made me believe that THAT is really what is wrong with us, that’s why we always fight. She made us to understand (not of her directly, but just seeing how happy we are outside) that we’ve been fools in all this month, having the solution in front of us. So we went outside and he used another example to make me realise another issue of mine. I am now struggling with the anger I have, but with the patience of him, I can go through that. And I’m seeing in him the desire of making me calm, as he was in the beginning of our relationship. 

Some of you won’t understand a thing I was saying here, because you’re not used with my explaining, but I know some people will really get me.

I didn’t wrote all of this for some fucking notes, but just to release myself and to feel more confident in my own powers of changing into good. Because I know people love me, but I see only the bad things they’re doing to me.

P.S. : M, I know you will read this, I hope you are proud of me for wanting to change myself ; and L. I know you won’t probably see this, but I want you to know that I really do see what you’re doing for me. I love you all. Thank you for taking part in my life. I wish you all the best and probably you know that I miss some of you guys.