#notenoughspoons

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My birthday is coming up and my boyfriend was going to try to plan something for me with all of our friends. Last night he told me that it’s one of the most difficult things he’s tried to do because I said I wanted something that all of our friends would actually want to go to but I don’t really like the sort of things that would be fun for them. We’re 27. Our friends like to go to crowded bars where it’s hard to reach the bar to get a drink and your feet stick to the floor and you can’t hear yourself think let alone speak and people slam into you left and right. I like being able to sit down and have a conversation. I don’t understand how anyone likes the first option but I seem to be the only one that doesn’t. I want to have a good time and I want other people to come and have a good time because I’ve never gotten to celebrate my birthday with more than just one friend coming out. But with my fibro, I just can’t handle that type of night. I haven’t been able to in years. If I have to stand the whole night, I’ll want to go home in like a half hour. If people are slamming into me, I will most likely want to cry because I have a very low pain sensitivity and I bruise easy. I’ll just get frustrated and I won’t have fun.

Can’t we just get to the age where having people over for dinner and drinks is what everyone wants to do?

I know it’s my birthday and we should just do what I want to do and if other people don’t want to do it then fuck them. But I’ve literally never had a real celebration. I’ve always just done a quiet dinner with either my best friend or my boyfriend. And now, the best friend is probably working that day so she won’t even be there.  I love my boyfriend and I love our nights together, but I want something different for my birthday. I want to have a day where I feel normal and liked and have people celebrate me. I’ve never had that before.

I used to love going to clubs and dancing and drinking and staying out all night when I was younger. I wish I could feel that energy and excitement again, rather than dreading how tired and sore I’ll feel for the three days following.