(I am at the water park with my two young boys, aged seven and five. I get separated for several minutes, and start to panic, until I see them talking to a Park Safety Officer.)

Me: “There you are!”

Officer: “You’re the mom?” *starts laughing* “Your sons adore you. They wrote your name, address, phone number, and so much more.”

(On the officer’s notepad, I read what my seven-year-old wrote.)

Son’s Note: “Lost mom is a woman, 26 years old, tall, has boobs, sexy in red blue stripe swimsuit, not really skinny but beautiful, has hair, smells like Victoria’s secret.”

(My dad and I have a number of series that we watch together. Tuesday nights are ‘The Walking Dead’, ‘MASH’, and ‘Bates Motel,’ and we rotate between them depending on what we feel like. We’re partway through season four of ‘The Walking Dead,’ and just completed a particularly depressing episode.)

Me: *feeling disheartened* “Can we watch an episode of MASH now?”

Dad: “You want to watch a MASH? We can do that.”

Me: “Awesome. I need to see something more… lighthearted.”

Dad: “Lighthearted? The war in Korea is more lighthearted?”

Me: “Well, technically no, but it is a comedy…”

Dad: “I’m feeling sad! I know! I’ll watch some Korean War! That’ll cheer me up!”

(I was snuggling my five year old niece on the couch when she made a random comment.)

Niece: “I wish I was mayor.”

Me: “What would you do if you were mayor?”

Niece: “I’d make all the boys and girls be scientists. And all the rest be mothers, except for the ones that want to be firemen or firegirls.”

Read more funny stories at NotAlwaysRelated.com!:

Dad: “FIRE! FIRE! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! FIRE!”

(I run inside and find that Dad had managed to light stir-fry on fire. He is just standing in front of the burning stove screaming and panicking. I run and put it out with the fire extinguisher.)

Me: “Have I just walked into a Sims game?”

(I am eight years old and just starting to learn about the succession of power in the country should the leader die. I am spacing out while doing my homework when my mom comes in my room to check on my progress.)

Mom: “[My Name], how’s your homework going?”

Me: “It’s going fine, but I have a question.”

Mom: “What’s the question, dear?”

Me: “Well… if the President dies, the Vice President takes over right? And then if they die the Secretary of State takes over? Who takes over if everyone in that long line dies?”

Mom: “I think at the very end of the line is the head of the US postal service; they’d be president.”

Me: “Okay, so if I murder someone, is there a way I can skew it so [Uncle] takes over? I mean, he is a mailman.”

(Just then my dad walks in. He and my uncle don’t exactly see eye to eye.)

Dad: “No! Whatever you do, do not put your uncle in charge of the country. I beg you!”

Mom: *to dad* “Um… I’m not even sure if a postal employee can be put in charge of the country. Also, shouldn’t you be telling [My Name] that murdering people is bad regardless of who she’s trying to get put in charge?”

Dad: “Oh… right.”

(I’m a graduate student, but I work nights and weekends as a children’s entertainer. I am painting a little girl’s face at a Christmas festival as her parents stand behind me.)

Me: *to the girl* “So, what’s your name?”

Girl: “River!”

Me: “Oh, what a pretty name! I have one, no, two favorite TV characters named River!”

(Her father raises his eyebrows.)

Dad: “Which two?”

Me: “Oh, River Tam from Firefly and River Song from Doctor Who.”

(The father laughs and points at his daughter.)

Dad: “That’s who she was named after, River Tam.”

(At this point, I’ve finished the little girl’s face paint, which has glitter in it. She is admiring herself in my mirror.)

Dad: *to the girl* “Now, what do you say?”

Girl: “Shiny! Let’s be bad guys!”

(Parenting, you’re doing it right!)