#nonbinary resource

Okay, I’m glad you reached out. It’s nice to meet you! I’m Oscar, and I’ve been through the questioning you’re going through before I realized I was a trans man. 

So let’s get down to business! 

Nonbinary dysphoria is really messy, and can be nearly impossible to live with, because for the most part, there isn’t a catchall cure like transition. However, there are ways to make it a little less painful. Most Nonbinary people fall into one of three subtypes. 

Agender: need for no sex characteristics at all, doesn’t want any genitalia or other sex characteristics, often mixed up with trauma symptoms, get checked for trauma if this is your dysphoria’s manifestation, because the symptoms have many similarities.

Nonbinary Classic: the need for “intersex” characteristics, such as ambiguous genitalia, often a flat chest, and a “midrange” height, voice, etc, usually feeling a desire for traits of the opposite sex, but without “going all the way.” This can often be an indicator of classic gender dysphoria, but isn’t always, and should be carefully treated to avoid “going too far,” and swinging into dysphoria from the “other side.” 

Bigender Dysphoria: the need for both sets of sex characteristics, feeling dysphoria about lacking certain parts, but without feeling discomfort for the ones you have. Unfortunately, since the human body isn’t currently equipped to handle both sets, this is one kind of dysphoria without a cure. 

i just feel kinda hopeless rn. do you think you could help? if i’ve been questioning my gender this long i can’t be a cis girl right? it’s just taking a big toll. sorry for venting (2/2) 

I think I can help you out. I’d prefer you DM me over this so I can ask questions and get a more full picture of the situation, but as far as for what you’re asking- 

Yes, people have questioned their genders for years before realizing they were cisgender, and there’s no shame in that. A lot of conditions present themselves in ways similar to dysphoria, and people can get confused. We wouldn’t have detransitioners if nobody’d ever made a mistake in their lives, it’s a normal and human thing. 

That said, most transgender people have doubts, too. We do not have the world’s easiest time, I think most people can agree to that. I’ve had times where I’ve intentionally triggered dysphoria, when I was in a really bad mental state, trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t mistaken- for the record I am not advocating this, it was a form of self-harm and I’ve grown out of that with help from a therapist- and I still sometimes worry. 

As far as whether or not you’re a trans man, I’d need a little more information. Nonbinary dysphoria presents itself differently than the dysphoria of a transgender man, mainly in that nonbinary dysphoria falls into the need for either a full lack of sex characteristics, both sets of sex characteristics, or ambiguous genitalia, whereas a trans’s man’s dysphoria will center around wanting any female sex characteristics to be fully male. It’s important to note that bottom dysphoria can be muted in trans men prior to other forms of transition, and it’s very common for it to increase after HRT and top surgery. 

Thanks, cartowheel!  

Yep, you sure can!  I use any pronouns. If you’re comfortable with pronouns just being words people use to refer to you and not indicative of your gender, then that’s super convenient! (Though I’d love it if English added some “official” gender-neutral pronouns!)

Hey there,

Any time the binary world starts getting me down (or I get disapproving stares in public) I like to think back to how I felt when I was trying to fit in as binary. For me, there was a lot of stress and confusion and anger and frustration - a lot of negative emotion.  Nothing the binary world can throw at me in their criticism can be as bad as having all that angst and suffering within myself.  Relaxing in non-binaryness, I’m free and comfortable.  If you can smile to yourself in the freedom of your identity, that’s a huge asset.

A friend of mine once told me that disapproval/criticism from others is like an infectious disease - it attacks from outside of us and the best thing we can do is be strong and vaccinate ourselves against the attack - and know IT IS NOT OUR FAULT. You are strong and perfect and wonderful in who you are; you can’t help it that the world is ignorant and set in its ways any more than you can avoid the common cold. And just like a common cold, any criticism thrown against you you’ll fight off and be stronger for the experience afterwards.

One day, you may even be immune. =)

Keep your chin up!

Hey there,

One of the biggest problems with our binary society is that it enforces the idea that if you’re “born a girl” you must “be a girl, look like a girl, and do girl things” and if you’re “born a man” you must “be a man, look like a man, and do man things.”  These are all just social conventions and on an individual basis hold no power at all.

You have every right and every ability to be a man, look like a man, and do man things if that is what you want to do.  Try to forget about identifying “as a girl” - the first and most important step is always to give ourselves the space and opportunity to explore different ways of being and expressing.  Just give up “being a girl” for a while and see what you do, what clothes you wear, how you interact with others.  If you find going back to “being a girl” gives you great mental/physical discomfort, then that may be gender dysphoria.  If you really get into playing with gender as such, I’d welcome you into the circle of the genderqueer. =)

We often feel lost when we see no clear path ahead of us, when we’re spinning around looking for one to lead us out of the woods. Sometimes the best thing to do is to stop looking, take a deep breath, and let yourself go a little wild in the wilderness, in whatever way you safely can.  We can learn a lot about where we want to go and who we really are by letting go.

All the best.