#no10

Time. There’s that word again. And Tommy learned to hate it. He’s been here long enough. Time is running through his fingers. Lost in a coma. Wasted in this hospital bed. Spent trying to re-learn things that once had been so easy. Like talking. Like … like saying “I love you”.

Rage floods him in one violent wave and Tommy can’t stop himself. He grips the glass of water standing on the bedside table and throws it with a desperate scream that’s more of a roar. He doesn’t have that much strength, so the glass doesn’t fly far. It shatters on the ground.

They both stare at the mess. At the shards and the liquid seeping into the tiles.

“F-Fuck,” Tommy blurts, breathing heavily. And isn’t that amazing? He can curse. But he can’t tell his boyfriend he loves him. It’s ridiculous. It makes him burst into tears.

Evan’s arms close around him immediately. Holding him. “I know,” Evan whispers into his hair. “I know this is tough. I understand you’re frustrated and angry. But we have to remember what the doctors said. Troubles speaking are to be expected after this type of brain injury. But it will pass. All we need is time and practice. We will get through this together.”

Tommy closes his eyes and lets Evan’s voice calm him down. I love you, he thinks and wishes he could just send it straight to Evan’s mind. I love you …  

* Tommy stares at the tool in his hands and scrunches his nose in confusion. 

“It’s a spatula,” Evan tells him. “You use it to flip the pancakes.”

Spatula. Flip the pancakes. Right. Tommy nods and does his best to turn the pancakes around before they turn black. Cooking is supposed to be a good exercise for his fine motor skills. But to be fair, everything Tommy does is kind of an exercise now.

“You want them with blueberries?” Evan asks, raising a brow and pointing at a pack of round little blue balls, no, berries. Blue berries. Blueberries. It makes sense.

Tommy shakes his head. “Chips.” He frowns. No. That isn’t right. “Cho. Chips.”

“Chocolate chips,” Evan combines and grins. “Got it.”

Tommy smiles at him. I love you.   * Sometimes Tommy's head still really hurts. The pain is so bad that it feels like his skull is about to crack open. All Tommy can do then is pull the curtains down and curl up in his bed, buried underneath the blankets.

Evan brings him the meds Tommy usually forgets about and makes him swallow them, then sits beside him and runs his fingers through Tommy’s hair until the pain fades some and he manages to fall asleep. 

I love you, is his last coherent thought. *

Tommy doesn’t need his crutches anymore, so they do longer walks in nature.

They are still way slower than in the past, but it doesn’t matter. They’re climbing a hill, holding hands, and Tommy likes to look down at the scenery. It makes him remember flying. Sometimes, it also makes him remember falling and crashing. But for those moments, he has Evan’s hand which he can hold on to so he doesn’t feel like he’s floating away into the bad thoughts.

On a meadow covered in wildflowers, they are having a picnic and after they lay down side by side, looking at the clouds.

“Look,” Evan says, pointing and laughing. “It looks like a unicorn.”

Tommy smiles. “You. Love. I love you,” he says.