#no read

It's summer. One of the lowest points I get to right now is kinda happening. Of course I noticed a lot of times I end up seeing others also being at their lowest sometimes now too. Either at or getting there.

So this time I was planning to have myself be maybe more prepared. Been writing what happens in the past, making notes mentally too and been trying more so to think of what happens next or what to do to solve it. Some things I hadn't written in one spot sadly but I do have it mentally in their or will.

However right now I have had things being different in personal relationships too. Like the people I love with currently. I do not like it here. I haven't really ever fully been able to say I completely enjoyed being here because of them. I enjoy it more when it is just me really. Even if I get paranoid sometimes.

I do not have money or any way to get out of here btw so it is the only option I have. It is to stay and not mess it up.

I will say it isn't like I can persay earn money no matter what anyone says. I known some to not fully understand but try to but none are the people I live with. I just get told I need one or feel awful after being told something I won't say now as to not over exaggerate it by accident.

I do things at the house still so it ain't like I am not at all helpful btw even if they sometimes say I'm not and that I'm... ahem anyways I do things despite not having my efforts noticed nor appreciated by those I live with. Those I don't but wish I could do say I am doing okay for now though. Makes me feel good to know someone sees what I do as good and worthy of praise.

I have recently felt I have no way to tell anyone anything without judgement. I know people that are my friends are not counted btw I mean the ones I live with mostly there.

I used to semi feel I can trust some with small things but I tried letting bigger things on my mind out and... of course it backfired so badly I literally can't feel the trust I used to. Honestly I hate that I can't even have my own room right now btw. Which is not something we shall get into right now mainly as you can see I am referring to the people I live with as that and nothing more.

Okay another thing I wanted to mention is the fact I can't really handle more on me right now. It's mostly cause I'm worrying over way too many people at once and I can't even get the one to let me know they are okay. It's terrifying me right off. Which is why I have sometimes overly bothered some people. Mostly the same person... ahem one of my friends whomst have been responding go me.

I know I have spoken a lot to her lately as she literally had to tell me I was. It's fine I had been bothering them with random stuff at the time honestly. So eh I wasn't just worried but also lonely so kinda why I bothered someone to the point of being told I was oddly talking to one individual a lot. (I usually aim to bother multiple to avoid that honestly. But occasionally I stick with one person at random sometimes the same one multiple times and bother them until either told I'm being very talkative lately or I notice slowly they start having less responses to the things. Cause busy normally, or me overloading the individual by accident with things.)

Anyways I been kinda all over again but down at night and sometimes the morning or randomly in the day. It worries me because it tells me emotion control and I sometimes lose the ability to control it and that is not something I want when near the people I live with currently. They can't handle it ever. I can't cry without being threatened or feeling infinitely worse and especially when thinking back on them. I can't even accidentally get angry without being scolded to the point I just want nothing more than to run off, sometimes hold back tears or even start feeling threatened so it kinda makes me what to do some kind of response ya know, usually flee but I force myself to freeze cause of it generally so I don't flee or fight in the moment. Basically I shut down after they in the way if any emotion I feel. Heck I've shut down because thy made me feel horrible for being happy once. Or even feeling calm before.

Again there isn't a way away from them without more pain really or worse pain then staying for what I hope to be until maybe... I'm 30? Hoping that is the max I gotta stay. I can't say for certain as it may have to wait until 40. Which isn't horrible I can do it I just starting smaller

Goal to live to is 22 right now. When 22 or 23 I will change it if needed then. If i forget it's at 22 I may change it to 24 which is actually indeed based on something. It's based on some of my ocs ages which are 22 and 24 one is 23 but the ages I more so look at is the 22 one but 24 comes up a good amount too. (In my mind not the story.)

I uhm... hmmm... I think for now I will end it there. I won't go into the darker things I was thinking of now if ever on here.

Yeah I have been told by some people I know that I probably need to see doctor(s) but not just cause of what I said here either. I got a good bit of health that probably needs taken care of honestly but I have no money to do so and my family never really even tried to do any sort of help with that even when I was under 18 and one reason was cause one member didn't want to be called a bad parent btw. It's stupid and really only affected me negatively sadly.