#no preamble

This is my first time ever meeting Jonathan Harker and I have to say he seems remarkably calm about how incredibly suspicious everyone around him is acting.

THEY JUMP STRAIGHT INTO ABBA OH LORD

I wonder what CM would say tomorrow when we meet. I wonder if it matters. I think he'll probably tell me he's going somewhere far far away for his PhD. And he loves me very much but he's not ready for the kind of relationship where you'd move elsewhere with your partner. Not that, after all this, I'd want to have THAT conversation with him. Most likely though, we'd have to talk about how even if we love each other a lot, the whole relationship is not viable. Even if it was once, it's not anymore. He'd want to keep me around knowing he was going to leave but of course he wouldn't make me. I'd want to be weak and say yes knowing he was only going to break my heart. I'd turn him down. But then he'd say "let's stay friends." Like he did with every other one of his ex-es. But I can't be in love and be his friend. So what else is left? We stop talking. This is the end. I've been saying that for 7 months now and this has been a really drawn out end. I don't think I'll ever be truly ready to call it quits. The only way for me to move on is to physically move on. This is one of the main reasons I started applying to study abroad in the first place.

me at the start of every conversation: “ok so” “what if” “Ok but”