#nineties rap

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - Reiterating that he would never break his wedding vows, Hip-Hop icon and business mogul JAY-Z has finally addressed accusations that he had sexually assaulted a 13 year old girl with Sean “Diddy” Combs back in 2000, reassuring the public that Beyoncé had been well aware of the sexual encounter and had permitted it.

“I would never, ever, cheat on my wife,” the “Hard Knock Life” rapper said in a statement. “But the fact of the matter is that we aren’t your typical couple. We’re business people — we’re entertainers. We’re constantly on the road, and when you’re on the road, away from your spouse, you get urges. We both enact these urges regularly and inform each other whenever it happens every time. It isn’t cheating — it’s polyamory.”

Beyoncé has yet to release a statement of her own on the matter, but JAY-Z has assured that she does not approve of these accusations. “This isn’t your typical woman,” JAY-Z added. “This is Beyoncé, the Queen B that we’re talking about here. Put some respect on her name.”

PUBLISHERS NOTE: In celebration of The Misinformer’s long and rich history, we periodically like to republish articles from our archives. The following article was originally printed on September 14, 1996.

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA - In the aftermath of his untimely passing, rapper Tupac “2Pac” Shakur has expressed regret knowing that he’d never be able to experience all of the advanced technologies that will inevitably come out during the next expected tech boom of the new millennium. Shakur, who was 25 at the time of his passing, was leaving the MGM Grand Las Vegas with Marion “Suge” Knight, the CEO of Tupac’s record label, when their vehicle was shot at several times by an unknown assailant.

Four of those bullets would hit Shakur: two in the chest, one in the arm and one in the thigh, leaving him in critical condition. By the time paramedics arrived to the scene, Shakur was unable to move, but was able to communicate, and expressed his need to survive so he could experience the “big tech boom” of the 2000s.

“Noooo, I can’t go!” Shakur was quoted as crying to paramedics. “If I don’t make it, then I won’t be able to experience all the advanced technologies that the Japanese are bound to come up with in a few years time. We’ll probably have flying cars and portable music players by then, and I might not be able to experience it at all. Oh please, save me!”

Other thing referenced in Lit class today.

S. Jam Fitzgerald and I sat on a sofa when it opened up, clearing out from the corner next to the piano, the smell of which suggested it had on at least one occasion accommodated overflow from the real bathroom, across the dance floor and through the crowd and then ever farther.

Because we are too old or too well-instructed or we’ve done this already too many times before, we sat on that sofa for the duration of our appearance at this party, which in no way serves as a judgment on this party. It was a good party, in fact, or becoming truly so when we left at 11:45 in order to preserve the next day’s functionality, and also because of the reasons listed at the top of this paragraph.

Also, let's face it, because we are a couple.

From that sofa, we made our observations. A few people had brought their roller skates. The nineties rap set list seemed a deliberate eschewal of the Greenpoint environs, and also recreated a familiar impression, that of many a frat party from that decade at which I was present. It was a literary crowd throwing an anti-literary party. HannahLenaDunham would totally go to this party.

We continued making observations. “We’re in this huge space, and everyone huddles in the 25 percent of it near the bar, creating the illusion of capacity.”

“Some kind of pack mentality.”

“A visual representation of insecurity.”