#nightgnome

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My therapist specifically went out and got qualified in this type of therapy in order to help me, after she read some studies on how it’s being used to help people with chronic pain to better process their pain. It doesn’t remove the pain, but it can help some people to better manage it, which in turn lowers stress levels, which in turn lowers stress hormones, which in turn directly affects certain types of chronic pain, and can help to manage the stress/pain cycle many people suffer from. And considering my body is so fucked up that stress can tip me over into an anaphylaxis episode, I really cannot stress enough how important and vital EMDR has been to me in helping me manage that stress level.

It’s also been really useful for me in starting to overcome certain traumas and triggers, making my world slightly less traumatizing and anxiety inducing to live in on a daily basis. I really don’t know how to describe it, but it’s like the method gets both parts of my brain talking to each other again in a way no other form of therapy ever has, and suddenly it becomes easier to deal with the thought or memory, which then in turn makes it somewhat easier to deal with any new events normally associated with that trigger. It doesn’t make me feel numb or suppress or remove the memory, it just helps lessen the emotional response and better regulate it.

I’m still very much in the early stages of this type of therapy, but it’s helped me a lot so far in terms of lessening my intrusive thoughts, lowering my stress and anxiety, and also helping the “positivity” to feel less “fake”.

If anything it lets me acknowledge my feelings from a safe emotional space, so instead of “fake it till you make it” I have come to terms with the fact that I will sometimes have moments of absolute soul obliterating rage and grief, and rather than try to bury them or push past them, I will instead take the time to sit down cry my eyes out. Crying, as it turns out, can be quite good for you, it helps the brain balance out certain chemicals and is a bit like trying to hit the reset button on the brain.

So rather than put a brave face on it, I’ll lock myself in the bathroom if I don’t want anyone else to know and I will sob it out, and rather than feeling like a failure for those moments like I used to, I now know that’s normal. That’s part of the grieving process, which is something I will likely always be going through because of how my life is. I have no constants, only variables (far more so than other people), so coming to terms with that and allowing myself to experience it rather than constantly fighting it has been beneficial. Hugely overwhelming and majorly exhausting, but helpful.

Cause being positive doesn’t mean feeling no negative emotions ever, it means dealing with the emotions, all the rage, the anxiety, the pain, the loneliness and everything else in between, and letting yourself experience them without falling into a spiral because that’s all part of the human experience. Nothing is constant, everything is variable and as terrifying as some people may find that, for me it’s a great source of comfort. It means one day, with the right medical advancements, I might get better. It could mean the opposite too of course, but I’m not going to dwell on that. There’s no point, it’s all, to quote my favorite angel, quite ineffable.

And again, this is not a magic cure and it won’t be a good fit for everyone, it’s just what I’m currently doing to try and unfuck my own head, and it’s been very helpful, especially cause I can’t take any meds and sometimes regular talk therapy would leave me feeling triggered and escalate into an episode all by itself. EMDR has been bloody hard work, but it’s also given me my perspective back in some instances, and helped me move on from some things I thought I’d never come to terms with. So if you’re struggling and you’ve tried other things? Maybe look into giving it a go.

Also reaching out to support groups can be very helpful. I don’t know what your life or social situation is like, but a lot of the time we can feel very isolated and alone with our conditions. That’s precisely why I started blogging about my illnesses the way I did. I never wanted anyone to feel as lonely as I did, even if it meant having only one other person in the world who understood. Online facebook groups can be a good way of finding other people who might understand, and they may be able to point your toward face to face groups if you’d like the real world social interaction. You could also try googling for them.

If you have friends who are willing and able, opening up to them on what you’re going through and talking about your limitations can also be very validating and reassuring. I lost a lot of face to face friends when I got sick, but the ones who understood and stuck around? Who made accommodations to ensure I could be part of the social group? Literal life savers.

And you’re not failing your kids. You’re trying your hardest, all the time, even when it doesn’t feel like it. And that’s all anyone can ever do.