#night vale transcripts

Night Vale, we have a special treat for you today. Joanna Rey, head zookeeper at the Night Vale Zoo, joins us live in studio. She’s also brought in several animals for us to see. Since this is radio, if you are not a telepath or an omnipresent spirit, you won’t be able to see them. You’ll just have to imagine the animals, but that shouldn’t be difficult. As the old saying goes, “a thousand words is worth a picture.” So today’s show should be worth about 2.6 pictures. You will also be able to envision 2.6 animals during today’s show.

Cecil: Joanna, welcome to our program.

Joanna: Thanks for having me!

Cecil: I can see you brought in some really interesting.. what are those, raccoons?

Joanna: These are chickens.

Cecil: [fascinated] Oooh!

Joanna: One of the evolutionary defensive traits of the chicken is its resemblance to the raccoon. For instance, both animals have two eyes and antennae, and like the raccoon, the chicken is mortal, which is a term zoologists use to describe animals that eventually die.

Cecil: Hmm, I remember as a small child I found a dead raccoon in our yard, and I told my mother about it. I thought it was sleeping. But that day, my mother sat me down and explained death to me. “Cecil,” she said, “most of God’s creatures are born, and then one day they die. Just like you and me, one day both of us will die. One of us will do so in a much more eventful way than the other, unlike this raccoon, which died from a rock I dropped on it.

Joanna: Why did your mother drop a rock on a raccoon?

Cecil: [amused] Oh, she was always a jokester, always up to some kind of prank. Dropping rocks on people and animals was just her way of kidding around. Anyway, these chickens are gorgeous, with their bright orange and yellow wings and dozens of spiny legs. What’s weird is I always assumed chickens were mythical, because I’ve never seen one in person.

Joanna: Mm, a lot of people make that mistake in logic. But just because you cannot see something, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. This is something zoologists must always remember, because there are so many creatures not visible to human sight. Like amoebas and microbes and ghost horses. When visitors come to the Night Vale Zoo, staff members from our audience education team often hide in the shrubbery and then jump out shouting, “I’m real!” at the blindfolded zoo goers, just to educate people on the existence of things they can’t see.

Cecil: I’ve learned a lot of neat things while wearing a blindfold! We’ll get back to your wonderful creatures in a moment, Joanna, but first today’s news.

[growling]

Cecil: Wait, what was that?

Joanna: Nothing. What? I didn’t hear a low growling sound. [laughs nervously] Is it hot in here?

Cecil: Ookay, uh, let’s have a glance at traffic. The roads are totally clear today, it’s a real mess out there. No one can see where the streets are, because they are completely transparent. I’d like to tell you which avenues and intersections to avoid, but since they’re virtually invisible, that information is useless. Perhaps try walking or just staying at home.

Joanna: Wow! Glad I flew here today instead of driving, huh?

Cecil: Good call!

An update on Old Woman Josie. Several of you have written in, via email and spray paint on the station walls, that you want to know how she’s doing. Well, she’s out of the hospital, back home and recovering nicely. Apparently Josie’s daughter Alondra has come back to Night Vale to help care for her. I rarely hear Josie mention her children, and she didn’t say much about Alondra this time either. Apparently Alondra decided to return to her home town to take care of her mother, because she didn’t want an old woman with a broken hip trying to live on her own. Josie insisted that she wasn’t living alone, that she had several, what she refers to as.. angels, named Erika, who are taking care of her. As well as her StrexCorp foundation, which supports not only the New Old Opera House, but also several local arts groups, a library destruction fund, and the popular charity Cars for Kids, which provides cars to kids who do not have cars. The angels, according to Josie, have lived at her house for several years and have shown nothing but grace, love, and support for her, unlike her family who moved away from the desert. Josie definitely sounds upset, and sometimes the forced bond of family relationships can be frustrating. But having family to take care of you when you live alone is a true blessing.

Um, listeners, Intern Kareem is shaking his head at me and saying Josie lives with the angels. [shouting] Now we went over this in the meeting, Kareem! We do not acknowledge the existence of angels, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, Josie lives alone, there’s no one to take care of her! Oh come on, don’t walk out! Ugh. There he goes, a man who doesn’t believe in time-traveling trains or deer-faced destroyer gods, but deny a single angel and he’s throwing a fit. Well, best wishes to Old Woman Josie, and welcome back to Night Vale, Alondra.

Cecil: So let’s get back to your fantastic zoo animals, Joanna.

Joanna: Sure thing! Let me just get this cage up here on the desk.

Cecil: Listeners, Joanna is lifting what looks like a solid steel cube, onto the desk. She’s opening it. Lots of steam or vapor is coming out, I’m so excited. What kind of exotic creature has she brought for us in such a dramatic carrying case?

Joanna: These, Cecil, are brown tarantulas. [chuckles]

Cecil: [disappointed] Oooh.

Joanna: You don’t sound excited.

Cecil: Well, brown tarantulas are fairly common in the desert, I-I was hoping for something exotic like chickens.

Joanna: Of course, but the reason I brought these tarantulas is to talk about our animal development initiative. Zoos not only display animals in tiny enclosures for the public to gawk at, but we also train and rehabilitate many of these animals. Sometimes animals we bring in have been badly injured, or in the case of these tarantulas, horribly undereducated. You might not notice just by looking at them, but our animal development team has taught these tarantulas to read! They are fully sentient. That’s Samantha, that’s Jordy, that’s Nash, that’s Carmelo. That’s Patrice, that’s Garfield, and somewhere.. Oh, I don’t see where she went, is Helen. Oh, there she is, on the back of your shirt collar!

Cecil: [nervously] Aahahaahahahaa-hi, Helen! That’s amazing! I know there are several “teach spiders to read” programs here in Night Vale. It’s great to hear some of them are really working. So uhh Helen, what book are you reading?

Joanna: Oh, tarantulas can’t speak. Or write. Just read.

Cecil: So they can read, but not express to anyone what it is they have learned?

Joanna: Yup.

Cecil: Is there any consideration by the zoo about developing sentience in creatures who live in cages? I mean, do you think that the animals’ self-awareness could bring about stages of depression or resentment, or despair or even rage, if they understood the prison-like conditions in which they lived?

Joanna: Totally. Oh, also I brought in some baby pigs!

Cecil: [squealing] Oh piglets! Oh they’re so cute! Um, your name is Wobbles, and your name, oh, your name is The Professor!

[loud growling noise]

Cecil: There’s that noise again.

Joanna: I’m sure it’s nothing.

Cecil: Did you say..?

Joanna: Cecil, it’s fine.

Cecil: Oh, OK. Let’s get to our program sponsor now.

Today’s show is brought to you by Starbucks. Start your day off feeling great. Maybe grab a latte or a caramel macchiato or even a mocha frappuccino on your way to work. Just make sure you’re feeling great first. We’ll know if you’re not. If you purchase one of our products while not feeling great, you’re going to make us not feel great, and that kind of negativity is infectious, you know. Perhaps you think our coffee-related product line will help you get beyond not feeling great into actually feeling great, but you can’t rely on nutritional stimulants to achieve positivity. No, no. Caffeine and sugar will get your energy up, sure, but that crash is coming, and it won’t be pretty. And we don’t want you hanging that on us. Get yourself in a good place. Really be positive. Fake it till you make it, we suppose. But you better be an excellent faker. If we find out you showed up to one of our thousands of Starbucks locations worldwide while unhappy, we are going to be livid. Just beside ourselves, all of us, every Starbucks employee standing in a line, literally beside ourselves, holding hands and saying directly to you: “Don’t come here with your nasty attitude and expect us to bear the weight. Oh no. Oh NO, you will NOT.”

Starbucks. Cool your hot mess before you show your face around here.

A few weeks back, we reported several five-headed dragons had arrived in Night Vale. Including Hadassah McDaniels, the sister of current death row inmate, Hiram McDaniels. Most of them are between 10 and 25 feet tall, and all have five heads. We’re getting more and more complaints from local businesses and human Night Vale residents about these dragons. Marjory Valejo, manager of the Dollar Cinema, says each dragon takes up nearly a dozen seats, not to mention obstructing the view of all the seats behind the dragon’s mass of long heads. Teddy Williams, owner of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, had to cancel league nights this week because he’s having to buff out all of the claw marks in the lanes. It was actually lucky for my team, which is down one member, while Old Woman Josie recovers. Bob Stern, vice president of finance for the Night Vale Auto Insurance company, said his company has seen a significant uptick in dragon-initiated accidents, and that they would no longer cover anyone who owns a car. He then deliberately broke his own arm with a wrench and guffawed nervously.

It’s been a tough adjustment, Night Vale, to our five-headed guests from another world, but we are a friendly town. Remember to welcome strangers with a friendly point, as you shout “Interloper!” at them. Also, it’s considered good neighborly behavior to follow strangers home while repeating, “What are you doing? Where you off to?” The dragons, I’m.. um, kind of sure.. mean us no harm.

Joanna, have you ever seen a dragon upclose?

Joanna: [gasps] Yes, one. They’re beautiful things, really intelligent and funny creatures. Fiercely loyal. Well, to their own kind, anyway. I mean, you’re texting with a dragon, “What do you do on Friday?” and she doesn’t text you back, and you’re like, “Donna, I would like to see you, it’s been weeks, is everything OK?” And then one day you get a phonecall and Donna’s gold head is like, “You’re a great woman, I’ve had a nice time but..” and her green head is like, [snaps] “It’s over, Joanna!” and then you’re just crying and crying for what? [angrily] I mean, come on Donna, really? [sighs sadly]

Cecil: Soo what other animals have you brought in?

Joanna: Well this is a long-horned steer, so majestic and bold.

Cecil: Wow, look at those horns!

Joanna: Also those wings. Wings are the best part of the steer.

Cecil: You know, I’m always in awe of animals who can fly.

Joanna: Ah, it’s just so delicious!

[loud growling]

Cecil: Joanna?

[growling intensifies]

Cecil: Joanna, your face it’s.. widening. Your eyes are turning yellow and and and your paws, I mean, your hands are turning into paws. Listeners, Joanna is now.. uh what.. wh-what are you, a-a panther, I think? Oh, she’s jumping onto the, oh oh my ooh, ooh that is, that is not good.

Joanna: [speaking with her mouth full] The wings are the best part in steer, they’re so.. [growling continues]

Cecil: Listeners, Joanna is jumping after the hens now. We need to.. oh my god, the piglets. Wobbles! The Professor! No, I.. [squealing noises] OK, well I wish I had not seen that. While we try to restore order, let me take you to the we- Microphones are not for eating! They are smarter than dolphins! Joanna!

[growling]

[“Coffee” by Sylvan Esso]

Cecil: And we are back. Our special guest today has been Joanna Rey, head zookeeper at the Night Vale Zoo. Thanks for being on our show, Joanna!

Joanna: Thanks for having me.

Cecil: You’ve eaten all of the animals you brought in today.

Joanna: Well, except for the tarantulas. They wandered off. Not sure where they went. Just like a bunch of spiders to be there one second and gone the next. [laughs]

Cecil: Oh, my intern Kareem tells me they all wandered over to the Human Resources department here at the station, and applied for sales jobs. Apparently they were strong interviewers, despite not being able to speak our write.

Joanna: Oh, that’s a big success for our animal development initiative! There is so much good a zoo does for animals, besides lock them up and examine them, which is of course just part of maintaining a natural environment for these creatures. Without the conservation efforts of the zoo, these animals would just be locked up and examined by predators.

Cecil: But in the confines of the zoo, they seem to be at risk of being devoured by zoo staff members who turns into predatory cats.

Joanna: Cecil, that’s my lunch we’re talking about.

Cecil: So you just got overwhelmed with hunger, and your body turned into a panther and you ate all the animals?

Joanna: [indignantly] I’m a shapeshifter, Cecil! I only take the form of a cat when I eat, because people get all upset when I devour an entire cow looking like a human. I am sorry about the damage to your studio, I really am. I should have eaten before I came. But don’t be so quick to judge shapeshifters, Cecil! We don’t get “overwhelmed”. We just choose our appearances based on what we want to express, like clothing. You might wear, say, a T-shirt around the house doing chores or while on vacation, but I imagine you have different outfits to wear to work.

Cecil: Oh yes. Although today is Plastic Poncho Wednesday so I’m dressed up a bit more, but yeah, for work I usually wear a cummerbund and capri pants, because it’s important to me that people understand I am a journalist. I see what you’re saying Joanna, that’s fair. I bet being able to take the form of different animals in fact makes your job a lot easier at the zoo.

Joanna: Hmm. I've only ever used this ability to eat lunch, but that’s a great idea! I should try it at work sometime.

Cecil: Well thanks for being on our show today, Joanna.

Joanna: Sure. You know, there’s still a lot of chicken blood pooling around your desk. Let me get another paper towel.

Cecil: Oh oh no no, it’s no bother. Intern Kareem, could you, could you come in here?

Stay tuned next, Night Vale, for the sound of scrubbing, followed by the sound of gagging. Followed by the sound of liquid dribbling into a metal pan.

And as always, goodnight, Night Vale, goodnight.

Today’s proverb: Want to feel old? People born in 2014 have already graduated college, don’t know what a trombone is, and are all named after gourds.

Have any of our listeners seen the glowing cloud that has been moving in from the west? Well, John Peters, you know, the farmer, he saw it over the western ridge this morning. Said he would have thought it was the setting sun if it wasn't for the time of day. Apparently, the cloud glows in a variety of colors, perhaps changing from observer to observer, although all report a low whistling when it draws near.

One death has already been attributed to the Glow Cloud. But listen, it's probably nothing. If we had to shut down the town for every mysterious event that at least one death could be attributed to, we'd never have time to do anything, right?

That's what the Sheriff's Secret Police are saying, and I agree. Although I would not go so far as to endorse their suggestion to "Run directly at the cloud, shrieking and waving your arms, just to see what it does."

~

The Apache Tracker– and I remind you that this is that white guy who wears the huge and cartoonishly inaccurate Indian headdress– has announced that he has found some disturbing evidence concerning the recent incident at the Night Vale Post Office, which has been sealed by the City Council since the great screaming that was heard from it a few weeks ago.

He said that, using “ancient Indian magics,” he slipped through Council security, into the Post Office, and observed that all the letters and packages had been thrown about as in a whirlwind… that there was the heavy stench of scorched flesh… that the words written in blood on the walls said “MORE TO COME” and “SOON.”

Can you believe this guy said he used “Indian magics”? What an asshole.

~

Here’s something odd. There is a cat hovering in the men’s bathroom at the radio station here. He seems perfectly happy and healthy, but it’s floating about four feet off the ground next to the sink. Doesn’t seem to be able to move from its current hover spot. If you pet him, he purrs, and he’ll rub on your body like a normal cat if you get close enough.

Fortunately, because he’s right by the sink, it was pretty easy to leave some water and food where he could get it, and it’s nice to have a station pet. Wish it wasn’t trapped in a hovering prison in the men’s bathroom, but listen, no pet is perfect. It becomes perfect when you learn to accept it for what it is.

~

And now, a message from our sponsor.

I took a walk on the cool sand dunes, brittle grass overgrown, and above me in the night sky, above me, I saw… bitter taste of unripe peaches, and a smell I could not place, nor could I escape. I remembered other times that I could not escape. I remembered other smells. The moon slunk like a wounded animal. The world spun like it had lost control.

Concentrate only on breathing, and let go of ideas you had about nutrition and alarm clocks. I took a walk on the cool sand dunes, brittle grass overgrown, and above me, in the night sky, above me, I saw.

This message was brought to you by Coca-Cola.

~

The City Council, in cooperation with government agents from A Vague Yet Menacing Agency, is asking all citizens to stop by the Night Vale Elementary School gymnasium tonight at 7 for a brief questionnaire about mysterious sights that definitely no one saw, and strange thoughts that in no way occurred to anyone. Because all of us are normal, and to be otherwise would make us outcasts from our own community.

Remember, if you see something, say nothing, and drink to forget.

~

The Boy Scouts of Night Vale have announced some slight changes to their hierarchy, which will now be the following.

Cub Scout

Boy Scout

Eagle Scout

Blood Pact Scout

Weird Scout

Dreadnought Scout

Dark Scout

Fear Scout

And, finally, Eternal Scout.

As always, sign-up is automatic and random, so please keep an eye out for the scarlet envelope that will let you know your son has been chosen for the process.

~

This is probably nothing, listeners, but John Peters, you know, the farmer, he reports that the Glow Cloud is directly over Old Town Night Vale, and it appears to be raining small creatures upon the earth. Armadillos, lizards, a few crows… that kind of thing.

Fortunately, the animals appear to be dead already, so the Night Vale Animal Control Department has said it should be a snap to clean those up. They just have to be tossed on the eternal animal pyre in Mission Grove Park.

So if that’s the worst Glow Cloud has for us, I say, go ahead and do your daily errands. Just bring along a good, strong umbrella, capable of handling falling animals up to, say, ten pounds. More on the Glow Cloud as it continues to crawl across our sky.

And hey, here’s a tip: take your kids out, and use the cloud’s constantly mutating hue to teach him or her the names of colors. It’s fun, and it shows them the real-life applications of learning.

~

Alert! The Sheriff’s Secret Police are searching for a fugitive named Hiram McDaniels, who escaped custody last night following a 9 PM arrest. McDaniels is described as a five-headed dragon, approximately eighteen feet tall, with mostly green eyes, and weighing about thirty-six hundred pounds. He is suspected of insurance fraud.

McDaniels was pulled over for speeding last night, and the secret police became suspicious when he allegedly gave the officers a fake driver’s license for a 5’8′ man named Frank Chen. After discerning that “Frank Chen” was actually a five-headed dragon from somewhere other than our little world, the secret police searched McDaniels’ vehicle.

Representatives from local civil rights organizations have protested that officers had no legal grounds to search the vehicle, but they ceded the point when reminded by Secret Police officials that our backwards court system will uphold any old authoritarian rule made up on the fly by unsupervised gun-carrying thugs of a shadow government.

The secret police say McDaniels escaped custody by breathing fire from his purple head, and he was last seen flying and shrieking over Red Mesa. Secret police are asking for tips leading to the arrest of Hiram McDaniels. They remind you that, if seen, he should not be approached, as he is literally a five-headed dragon. Contact the Sheriff’s Secret Police if you have any information. Ask for Officer Ben. Helpful tipsters will earn one stamp on their Alert Citizen Card. Collect five stamps, and you get stop sign immunity for one year.

~

And now, a look at the community calendar!

Saturday, the Public Library will be unknowable. Citizens will forget the existence of the library from 6 AM Saturday morning until 11 PM that night. The library will be under a sort of renovation. It is not important what kind of renovation.

Sunday is Dot Day! Remember: red dots on what you love, blue dots on what you don’t. Mixing those up can cause permanent consequences.

Monday, Louie Blasko is offering bluegrass lessons in the back of Louie’s Music Shop. Of course, the shop burned down years ago, and Louie skipped town immediately after with his insurance money, but he sent word that you should bring your instrument to the crumbled, ashy shell of where his shop once was, and pretend that he is there in the darkness teaching you. The price is $50 per lesson, payable in advance.

Tuesday afternoon, join the Night Vale PTA for a bake sale to support Citizens For A Blood Space War. Proceeds will go to support neutron bomb development and deployment to our outer solar system allies.

Wednesday has been canceled due to a scheduling error. And on Thursday is a free concert… and that’s all it says here.

~

New call in from John Peters, you know, the farmer… seems the Glow Cloud has doubled in size, enveloping all of Night Vale in its weird light and humming song. Little League administration has announced that they will be going ahead with the game, although there will be an awning built over the field due to the increase in size of the animal corpses being dropped.

I’ve had multiple reports that a lion– like, the kind you would see on the sun-baked plains of Africa, or a pee-stained enclosure at a local zoo– fell on top of the White Sand Ice Cream Shop. The shop is offering a free dipped cone to anyone who can figure out how to get the thing off. The Sheriff’s Secret Police have apparently taken to shouting questions at the Glow Cloud, trying to ascertain what exactly it wants. So far, the Glow Cloud has not answered.

The Glow Cloud does not need to converse with us. It does not feel as we tiny humans feel. It has no need for thoughts or feelings of love. The Glow Cloud simply is. All hail the mighty Glow Cloud. All hail. And now, slaves of the Cloud… the weather.

["The Bus Is Late" by Satellite High. Find out more at satellite-high.com.]

~

Sorry, listeners! Not sure what happened in that earlier section of the broadcast. As in, I actually don’t remember what happened. Tried to play back the tapes, but they’re all blank, and smell faintly of vanilla.

The Glow Cloud, meanwhile, has moved on. It is now just a glowing spot in the distance, humming east to destinations unknown. We may never fully understand, or understand at all, what it was and why it dumped a lot of dead animals on our community.

But, and I’m going to get a little personal here, that’s the essence of life, isn’t it? Sometimes you go through things that seem huge at the time, like a mysterious glowing cloud devouring your entire community. While they’re happening, they feel like the only thing that matters, and you can hardly imagine that there’s a world out there that might have anything else going on.

And then the Glow Cloud moves on. And you move on. And the event is behind you. And you may find, as time passes, that you remember it less and less. Or absolutely not at all, in my case. And you are left with nothing but a powerful wonder at the fleeting nature of even the most important things in life, and the faint but pretty smell of vanilla.

~

Dear listeners, here is a list of things.

emotions you don’t understand upon viewing a sunset

lost pets found

lost pets unfound

a secret lost pet city on the moon

trees that see

restaurants that hear

a void that thinks

a face half-seen just before falling asleep

trembling hands reaching for desperately needed items

sandwiches

silence when there should be noise

noise when there should be silence

nothing when you want something

something, when you thought there was nothing

clear plastic binder sheets

scented dryer sheets

rain coming down in sheets

night

rest

sleep

end

Good night, listeners. Good night.

~