#newbeat

the first time you met choi seohyun, it was the middle of the night. you’d been out with your friends, and you didn’t feel like cooking, so you made a pit stop at the convenience store a couple blocks from your apartment complex. with the heels you had on, walking after a whole night’s affair was near impossible. you happened to stumble into the microwave foods aisle, holding onto each shelf for dear life when he noticed you.

“are you alright?,” he said, looking genuinely concerned. and for good reason: not to mention the heels, by then, your makeup had melted down to your cheeks, your dress was crumpled, and your hair had frizzed up. you were never the type of person to be super looks-conscious, but even you felt a little sheepish when he made eye contact. nevertheless, you smiled sweetly.

“oh, yeah! you know, just a night on the town,” you said half-laughing. “trying to pick my dinner for tonight.”

“i get it, i get it. look, don’t tell anybody, but this cold cut’s the best thing to curb a hangover. get a vitamin water too. swear it’s the only thing that’s helped me.” he takes a sandwich and runs to get the drink, and before you can even take your wallet out, he’s walking back over to you with a plastic bag.

“aw, you didn’t have to do all that,” you say. “i feel bad. things are so expensive now.”

“i’d do it every time if it was for a pretty girl like you,” he remarks almost absentmindedly. he must not see how flustered you are, or maybe he does, because he follows up with “you walking alone? can’t let you get snatched up. let me walk with you.”

“you really don’t have to… um..”

“it’s seohyun. choi seohyun. and you?”

“i’m _____.”

“well, it’s nice to meet you. but seriously, let me walk with you. i promise i’m not a creep. it’s just late out here and god knows who’s waiting.”

“….i guess it can’t hurt, right?”

the six blocks from the store to your complex only felt like 2 walking with him. your connection is electric; he always knows just what to say, whether it’s to make you laugh or show he’s listening. before long, you’re at the front entrance.

“it was nice meeting you today, pretty. uh, i don’t know if you smoke, but if you want, i can make a cart for you. free of charge, obviously.”

“oh, um, i’ve never smoked before. but hey, there’s a first time for everything. here’s my number.”

“thanks _____. i’ll see you around.”

~

it wasn’t long before you crossed paths with him again. this time, though, it was for a different reason. you were in a secluded alley, dumpsters making the air smell rancid and puddles of unknown substances making you calculate your every step. work had been awful, and lucky for you, seohyun’s offer still stood. within 15 minutes of your text, he was at your complex’s front door. you buzzed him up and let him in.

seohyun himself was dressed unextraordinarily; much like the first time you met him, he was in a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. he exuded calm in a way that made your stress suddenly feel like an overreaction.

“let me show you how to take a hit,” he said coolly.

“you attach the cart to the pen,” he demonstrates, taking your hands into his to mimic the movement. “let it heat up a little bit, then breathe in a little.”

you watch the pen rest on his bottom lip in a trance. he smokes like he breathes, one long, languid drag before breathing out in the same manner. “now you try,” he murmurs, voice slightly altered because of the smoke. now it’s your lips that the pen rests on, with his warm hands covering yours. noticing your hesitation, he scoots over until your figure is cast in the shadow of his, the smell of his cologne overtaking your senses. “don’t focus on the pen. just look at me,” he reassures. something about him consumes your brain. in comparison to his, your first hit is uneven, and you’re knocked out of your haze from a string of coughs. seohyun laughs off-handedly before taking another hit.

you pass the pen back and forth for a little while until the edges of your vision begin to soften. you’re hyperaware of the rug brushing your calves, your clothes clinging to your body. seohyun is less than sober himself, but you can tell he handles his high well. 

“wanna watch a movie?,” you asked, voice softer than normal. he hummed in agreement, something you would’ve missed if you had had your attention on anything else. the weed had made seohyun the center of your thoughts; you had only suggested the movie, you realized, as a way to move closer to him. he went to turn on your TV, choosing some chick flick before settling next to your new spot on the couch. “i hope you don’t plan on hogging the blanket,” he teases. you giggle and give him room to get under. 

~

the rest of the night was a blur. sometime before the 45-minute mark, his lips were on yours, urgent but indolent, and eventually, the movie was forgotten altogether as he brought you to your room. your brain still felt a little foggy, and the only clue to the current time was the sunshine peeking through your closed curtains. if your hair was a mess when you first met him, this was a catastrophe; you hadn’t put on your bonnet before bed for obvious reasons, your mascara had run, and now you had hickies all over your neck. you rub your eyes as they adjust to the light, looking to your right to see seohyun’s bare back rising and falling with each breath he took. he looked angelic this way, hair tousled and necklace still on. you finally check your phone - thank god it’s saturday - and get out of bed. as soon as you stand, a gruesome headache forms in your temples, and your first couple of steps have a bit of a limp to them in return. 

when the first drops of hot water hit your back, you start to fully process what had happened the night before. it sends you into a spiral - you hadn’t intended to hook up with seohyun. you barely knew him. and now he’s in your bed, or awake in your apartment, doing god knows what. what if it was all a setup? what if he took everything? what even are we now? what am i gonna say to him? before you can spiral anymore, you turn the handle off in one swift movement and rip your towel from the rack.

you get back to your bedroom and seohyun hasn’t stirred at all, much to your relief. it’s shortlived though, because after you get dressed, you hear the sheets rustling behind you. 

“what time is it…?,” seohyun grumbles under his breath. his voice has changed again, this time because of sleep. you look around for your phone to check for him. “it’s 11:15,” you say softly. the awkwardness in the air is palpable. “i’ll get a towel and washcloth so you can shower. your clothes are probably still in the living room, and i can wash them if you want. i’m making breakfast too,” you list off. after a beat to process your words, he nods to nothing in particular and moves to go into the bathroom. 

~

the smell of brown sugar caramelizing thick strips of bacon wafted through your apartment once seohyun stepped out of your bedroom, dressed in the same clothes he came in. his face softened when he saw you leaning over the stovetop, gently flipping pancakes and scrambling eggs. without thinking, he reaches his arms around your waist and rests his head on your shoulder. you flinch at first, mainly because of your thoughts in the shower, but his face softens as he leans into you, and even though you can’t see it, you feel it. “hi, seohyun,” you sheepishly whisper so only you and him hear. he doesn’t respond verbally, only holding onto you tighter.

both of you sit on the couch, plates either balanced on legs or sat an awkward distance away on your coffee table. there’s finally space between you two, and you think now is the best time to ask. 

the question comes out stilted and oddly stressed. his eyes widen a little, but not to where you thought he didn’t think it would ever come up. “uh,” he penses after clearing this throat. “i’m not… really in a place to be in a relationship,” he finally admits. “i like what we have. i don’t want to ruin that.” your stomach drops, even though you half expected it. this entire ordeal was so far outside of your usual character, and now this? you almost wanted to cry.

he slunk out of your front door not long after, leaving you to your own devices. you didn’t know what to do with yourself, or how to feel. the tears you wanted to shed earlier finally made their appearance, hot and salty down your cheek. sniffles turn into sobs, and before you know it, you’re curled up on your couch, leaving snot marks in the cushions. 

~

despite your anger towards him, you text him again not even 3 days later. 

hey r you busy

no, what’s up

can we smoke again

uh yeah sure. do u need another cart?

i think we smoked all of the last one, yea

👍

it’s no surprise that you end up repeating friday night all over again. you were hurt by him, angry at him, felt pity for him. but the wound he left seemed to only be healed by seeing him again. 

the first time he said it, his rough hands were moving to lift your shirt and his lips, swollen from making out with you not even two minutes prior, had moved down to your neck. “fuck, i love you,” he says in a hushed tone before going back to leaving marks near your collar bone. it catches you by surprise at first, and you pull away slightly. he notices. 

“are you okay?”

“um, yeah,” you pause, “yeah. keep going,” you urge. despite everything, you weren’t thinking about anything else but him. he resumed without a second thought. 

the next morning, you wake up and immediately feel sick to your stomach with shame. why would you do this to yourself? you remember how he made you feel. how he told you he “wasn’t ready for a relationship.” and yet, here you are, with seohyun asleep next to you again, without a spare set of clothes. it occurred to you that you didn’t even know basic things about him. when was his birthday? did he have pets? what’s his favorite food? the thought only makes you feel more and more nauseous.

~

the cycle repeats for weeks. you hook up, feel bad, and text him again to “smoke” over and over again. it happened so often that traces of seohyun had started showing up at your place. in the shower, there were travel bottles of body wash, men’s shampoo, and conditioner for him to use when he spent the night. he had a favorite mug in your cabinet that had become an inside joke between you two. you had started buying snacks at the grocery store because he liked them. most of the time, you didn’t even smoke with him anymore. you never liked it after the first time anyway.

more than that, your meetups had expanded from just sex. on a whim, you had asked him if he wanted to run some errands with you. to your surprise, he had agreed. errand runs turned into dedicated trips. in your bedside table, you had a strip of photos of you and him from the amusement park photo booth. in the last one, he had kissed you, and it was evident how any affection from him made you melt, silencing any conflicting thoughts you had when you were away from him. 

you hold the photo strip in your hands as you lie in your bed one night. your eyes flit back and forth between your face and his. you don’t even realize that tears have started to well in your eyes until you feel one hit your faded t-shirt. what you do realize, though, is that you’re in love with him, and the thought of that makes you want to throw up. you sob for what feels like the millionth time in the couple of weeks since you met him. no matter what you think, you love him. you are in love with choi seohyun, and that revelation is what gives you the momentum to finally cut him off. you grab your phone and tap his contact.

hey we need to talk

about?

us

i’ll come over

~

the 15 minutes between his last text and a knock on your door are the most agonizing passage of time you could remember. when you open the door, your eyes land on his face. you look at him, really look at him, and a sense of guilt washes over you. “come in,” you finally mumble. those two syllables felt like driving a knife through your chest. 

“what did you want to talk about?,” he says quietly. your stomach turns more with each second that passes. you hesitate for what seems like forever, the words burning your throat like acid. “i don’t think i can keep seeing you anymore,” you finally say. his eyes widen slightly, and his face goes pale. “i know you said you don’t want a relationship, and i can respect that. but when you keep doing romantic things with me, it makes it hard for me to not catch feelings. so i don’t feel comfortable hanging out with you because you want something i can’t give you.”

your living room has never felt more cramped than it does now. the silence is loud, so you focus your mind on the ringing in your ears to keep from starting to cry. after what feels like forever, he finally speaks.

“that’s not what i want,” he says quietly, before pausing to think of what to say next. “at least not anymore.” he shifts a little so he can look you in your eyes. “i’ve never been good at commitment. i always thought i would never be ‘tied down’, that i’d always be looking for something else, someone else. i think that changed when i met you.”

“the morning after we first smoked, i didn’t feel any different. i’d be affectionate, and a good friend, but i would never cross that boundary. because i was scared. scared that you’d see all of me. scared that you’d leave. so i never let myself be there for you. but the more that we’ve spent time together, the more guilt i’ve felt. i didn’t know how to explain to you how i feel, and i’m so very sorry, ____.”

tears start to form in your eyes. “you don’t have to forgive me, now or ever. i know i fucked up. but i love you, _____. i really do. i’m sorry that i ever made you feel like i didn’t.” by now, what were stray tears had turned into sobs. 

“i can’t believe you!,” you cry in between sniffs. “i spent all this time agonizing over you, and crying, and stuck. i didn’t even like smoking after i tried it the first time! i only did it so i could be closer to you! and now you think a profession of love will - hic - just make that all go away. you made me feel like shit!” you cover your face with your hands, and seohyun is stuck staring at you. “i can’t do this right now,” you exclaim as you stand up to try and console yourself.

after a couple minutes and a trip to the bathroom, you calm down enough to talk to him again. to your surprise, the space where seohyun sat now only had a small pit where he was sitting. it wasn’t warm anymore, so he must've left after you went to the bathroom. in your confusion, you hear your phone ding. it must be him.

i’m really sorry. you seemed really upset. i left so you could collect yourself. you don’t have to text me back

i’m not mad at you. i mean i am, i’m really upset, but i guess i can’t let you go. 

i don’t want things to go back the way they were either though. you really hurt me seohyun. 

i know. i want to make it up to you. we can start fresh, i’ll take you out, the whole nine. only if you want

that sounds nice. let’s just start slow and see where it goes

of course _____.

~

about a week later, you and seohyun were set to have your first real date. he didn’t tell you anything specific; his only instructions were to “dress formal” and “be ready by 7”. you’d followed the first one; for the first time in a while, you had swapped out your leggings and t-shirts for a light-colored sundress and kitten heels, with matching dangly earrings and a pendant necklace. you always thought you looked nice in gold. as for being ready by 7, well… 7:15 was close enough, right?

seohyun waited for you by the door while you finished your hair. you always underestimated the time it took to get a braid right, or to pin your curls to your satisfaction. when you finally walked out of the bathroom, he looked at you in awe. 

“you look amazing, _____,” he mused, his eyes raking you from head to toe.“i’m wearing gold too,” he says, showing off his bracelet. your cheeks heat up from his compliments. “aw, thank you.”

he had ended up taking you to an upscale restaurant downtown. “sorry, i kind of chose this based on what i like,” he says sheepishly. “it’s okay. you have all the time in the world to learn about me,” you reassure. the meal itself was wonderful, and each time you laughed, it reminded you of your first meeting with him at the convenience store. 

~

it was nearing 10:00 when you finally got back home. after dinner, you had spent 45 minutes walking around and talking about everything and nothing all at once. now, the both of you were standing outside of your apartment door. 

“i really enjoyed today. thank you,” you say. his eyes widen a little at the nickname, but he played it off. “of course _____. i, uh, enjoyed it too.” you could tell something was on his mind. you turned to let yourself in when he grabbed you by your forearm. “can i kiss you?,” he asked. his eyes caught the hallway lights in a way that made his pleading seem more insistent. you grabbed his chin to pull him down and kiss him softly, not lingering for too long. “i’ll see you later, hyunnie,” you tease before going to open the door. the last thing you see before you close the door is seohyun’s red ears and flustered face.