#neuropride

Autistic & Neurodiverse Pride Shirts!

All my childhood I was a restless kid. Never sitting in a one place for more than five minutes, never sitting in a chair properly — crossing and clamping legs, twisting hands. I could start running in rounds, jumping and pulsing with energy minutes before I was supposed to go to sleep. Oh… if only you’d know how I myself wished to be calm and to be able to sit still. Though that active, I’ve been shy and a socially awkward child — I can`t say that friendship and contacting people was easy for me, it was pretty hard to communicate with other kids and grown ups and to understand and maintain appropriate group clues and norms. Kindergarten was not so easy, but not that hard, ‘cause it’s easier to deal with the little children and I was under the watch of my grandmother who was working as a schoolmaster in the kindergarten I’ve been attending. Or more correctly, I was attending kindergarten where my grandma was working.

It really became tough in school since the day one. Sit quiet for a long time and keep the constant focus. If you’re not able to do it — it’s all your fault, why do you do it? From slight questions and disturbance of more experienced teachers to a quite hurtful and dumb humor of the young ones. One crazy episode which I will never forget was getting some young girl as an arts teacher who thought that I WAS SUPPOSED TO DRAW GOOD, when I simply couldn’t often maintain an attention span to draw a straight line. Bad marks, criticism, self-deprecation… Gosh, somehow, maybe thanks to my late grandma, I’ve found an activity to direct my energy whilst overcoming shyness and showing that there’s a thing I could do good, somehow I was in a drama class  since 3rd to 8th grade approximately. It helped a bit.

The further it went, the harder it become. Adolescence, you know. Did I mention an important detail, that I was not much of a strong kid too? Combine that with an emotional instability, social awkwardness and so on. Somehow I managed through it. Thanks to my then only big friend and a classmate (with whom we’ve been classmates in a university too) who is still my good friend — he was teaching me how to behave and approach the society of teens and sometimes ready to stand for me physically. And then there was a very shiny period with a small break, which all is an achievement of one of the two great teachers I had. Some people never have one, I guess. I was a happy kid.It was an English teacher Svitlana Zelenskaya, who were also responsible for our class in the 6th grade, as far as I remember. I don’t know were she, how they write — “the kind of person who enjoys their work”, but I can definitely say, that she is a kind of person who does it real good. We were all friends in our class. No bullying. No major problems. Everyone is interested in something. Lot of activities. Forest walks. Who do you want to be when you grow up?I liked learning English a lot, and I don’t know where I’d be now without it. Thank You So Much, Svitlana Volodymyrovna.

The most strange thing was, than on the start of peak of all of this teen blast in 9th grade, 13-14th years old, it was the best time in school. We’ve had another homeroom teacher, not so young and enthusiastic, but somehow we all were maintaining good status. It was friendly, it was interesting.

Then, when I was 12th or 13 years old, there were computers. First at home and father’s job and then on some kind of courses for kids ran by then colleagues of my brother.  It was very important to see that there are a lot of kids like me. I waited for these Sundays as for the one real holiday, to hop on a trolleybus with my friend, ride to the Aerospace University, quickly finish the assignments and chat and play computer games and exchange oddball humor remarks.

Now I understand that, probably, something happened in a school structure, which caused a lot of people to leave after 9th grade to some kind of university pre-schools and some teachers left too and then it became real bad.Idea of mixing together quite different kids from established class environments in their 14th-15th looks to me now as an idea to splash some fuel into a running heating chemical reaction and stiring it a little bit.There were good persons who were friendly, smart and open and there were not so good persons, who were angry, stupid and lazy. I have the right to write that about those people. And nobody at school gave a shit about it. Somehow I managed through all of that. Sure, my parents always have been concerned with all of that and when I was 15 years old I got diagnosed with ADHD. The thing was, nobody quite explained what it is, and I obviously didn’t pay much attention to it and soon forgot about it.

University could’ve been good, unless all my problems which I brought with me for years have finally started to reach me and I got into a terrible episode of depression in the middle of my first year. Had a fun time with neuroleptics.  Somehow I managed through all of that.Then I became interested in sports, especially martial arts and found that it helps me to focus, to relax, and in the same time gain control of myself.  Also, in the beginning of second university year I started working part-time as a programmer, and I still can say it was the best job and one of the best people I’ve ever met. In those years my young radicalism and search for communication and involvement brought me into some regretful activities, but I was socializing with other people. That’s how desperate this could be. Do I feel sorry for that? A lot. Do I regret about it? Nope, what’s done is done.

Finished the university, found the love, started to live together. One day I came home after work and she said that it’s finished. I’m still sorry for that — other person should not pay for my unawareness of myself with their stability and happiness. I was a hell to live with — impulsive, often grumpy, extremely picky, forgetting to spend time together and remembering bad things for years.Those were circa two years then with post-break-up recovery and strange relationships, which was my turn to end then. Which turned-up into a summer depression.The thing that I want to write down in scripture is Many Thanks To Tetyana, if not you, I’d not probably made it that time.

And then there were job problems too. I mean I’ve always been a good worker in sense of performance, if I loved it, but if I didn’t love it — I really did not love it.And then I started to hate everything about my profession. Looking for something I didn’t know I want. Frustrating. Thanks to my wife, we had an ability for me to spend almost two years not working. It helped. I had a structure and plan after that.

Things followed, and then was the major depression (summer again) which peaked before my 30th birthday last year. Things were really bad. I started to attend psychotherapist and somehow it worked for me. Not only this though, also some medications, exercise, meditation and other things big and small. But now I feel much better.  Last year my mom said to me, that she’s wondering that I made it past 30. I made it again and with the G-d’s help suppose to make it again and again. Now, after almost 14 years of neglecting, I’ve finally returned and admitted who am I, and I’m learning how to live with that, I’m feeling proud of myself.I’m feeling disturbed about the situation with mental specifics, particularly how most of the people don’t know about that and how neurodiversity is still a new and exotic concept. And how it’s hard if people just think you are “weird”. I hope it will be better.

I was a happy kid.

I don’t blame my parents for anything and I’m really thankful for everything they did for me, they did all what was possible and even more in realities of being something of a poor family in Ukraine, in the 90’s. And no one knew what is ADHD and how to deal with it, even therapists.

I’m thankful to all of my friends for cheering me up, listening to me and being with me.

I’m thankful to my ex-partners for being with me and I’m sorry that it didn’t work out. But it is how it is.

I’m thankful to my therapist for working with me.

I’m thankful to my wife for being with me through all of that and I’m sorry for all the bad moments we’ve had because of me.

I’m thankful to myself.