#neilandtodd

Neil was leaning back in his chair, taking a small sip from his cup. The steam curled around his face, a twinkle in his eye as he watched Todd. Todd was envious of how Neil was perfectly calm. Or at least pretending to be. As he placed the cup back down, Todd watched as Neil’s thumb found its way to the edge of his napkin, playing with a corner of the paper until it frayed.

“You, okay?” Neil asked, voice low.

“Yeah,” Todd said quickly. Giving Neil a quick glance before staring at the window. “Just – uh… warm in here.”

Neil gave a soft chuckle, moving his head to try and be in Todd’s eyeline, grinning. “It’s October.”

Todd tried not to smile back, now staring at his lap. It was ridiculous, really, how one look form Neil could untie the knots in his chest and make him forget how to breathe at the same time.

They talked for a while, about nothing, about everything. Classes, poetry, and a new play Neil wanted to try and audition for. How the leaves on campus had turned the colour of rust and gold. Todd listened more than he spoke, but Neil didn’t seem to mind filling the silence. He always had that way of making quiet feel like something shared, not something empty.

“So, you’re really going to do it?” Todd asked after a moment, his fingers tracing the rim of his cup. “Audition, I mean. Like after everything. You’re not… scared?”

Neil smiled faintly, as if amused by the question. “Of course I’m scared.”

Todd blinked, surprised. “You don’t seem like it.”

Neil shrugged. “Being scared doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.”

Todd tilted his head, studying him. “I don’t think I could. Stand up there and… say things. In front of people.”

“You could if you wanted to,” Neil said simply, eyes soft. “You think too much before you leap.”

Todd’s lips parted to respond, but no words came. He looked down instead, a small frown tugging at his mouth. “It’s not that easy. You make it sound so…”

“Brave?” Neil offered.

“Yeah,” Todd said quietly. “You’re brave, Neil. You always have been.”

Neil’s smile faltered – just a little – but he didn’t look away. “Maybe. Or maybe I just learned to act like it.”

Something about that made Todd’s chest ache. He wanted to tell Neil that acting brave was still a kind of bravery. But before he could, Neil reached out for his cup again, the moment drifting away like the steam between them.

Soft pit-pats started as a gentle shower of rain took over the sunny afternoon. It was a soothing sound against the windows. Neil leaned across the table, closer to Todd’s face, his voice soft, low. “We could walk back in it. Be all poetic about it.”

Todd was caught off guard before a warmth bubbled in his chest as a laugh split out of his mouth. The sound surprised both Neil and him. “You’d catch a cold, Neil.”

Neil shrugged, his eyes tracing Todd’s face. “Sorry, did you say something?”

Todd laughed again, and Neil grinned victoriously. How did he keep doing this? How did one boy somehow manage to make him completely full of joy? There was a pause. The kind of pause that felt too full, like the air itself was waiting. Neil’s moved his hand onto the table, between them, his palm open, trying to be casual. Todd stared at it. A wave of nausea rose in his stomach. No, that wasn’t the right word. It was something else. It made him want to smile, to cry, maybe even scream. Then it made him want to shrink away, turn back into the quiet comfort of his room, where only he could feel himself. His own fingers fiddle in his lap. He looked up at Neil to find him already staring at him. His eyes were soft, longing even, proud in some sought of way. Todd thought brown was a cruel word for something so alive. They were sunlit honey, the calm between storms, the warmth that stays when everything else goes cold. Outside, the rain fell in sheets, but the sun was still there, shining quietly in Neil’s eyes.

Todd’s finally found the strength in his fingers, as his hand inched closer to Neil's open palm, trembling like they might change their mind. His fingers brushed clumsily against the warmth of Neil's hand, and the heat of embarrassment crawled across his cheeks. But Neil didn’t pull away.

“See?” Neil said softly. “You’re brave, too.”

Todd didn’t realise he’d been holding his breath until Neil’s thumb brushed against his. And for a second, the world went quiet, just the way he’d imagined it.

🍂