#negativebodyimage

So I went to the doctor today to get new birth control. My husband and I want another kid..... 

(even though every time somebody asks me how old my son is they ask if we are having another baby soon as if my only job is to have kids....and the fact that i currently have the only biological grandchild and my mother desperately wants me to have another kid....but thats another post for another day)

........but right now I don’t want to be pregnant. For a few reasons...

So this is a topic that's near and dear to my heart. Something that's always on my mind. And not always in a good way. As I've mentioned in my very first post, I hate my body. I don't think I'm attractive at all, the only thing I really like are my eyes and my freckles. I think and call myself fat on a daily basis. Sometimes I breakout so my skin isn't always the best.

But why? Why do I feel like this? Before you say anything, no I don't compare myself to models and actresses. I know I'll never look like them. My body structure is different. I also know I'll never be a size two. And honestly I don't want to be. I know it's not natural for me. My goal is to get down to a size that's fit and healthy for my body.

I'm just concerned that it wont be enough. Will loosing the extra weight make me feel better about myself? I know this goes further than skin deep. I know most of this is in my head. I'm not morbidly obese or even obese. But I feel that way. I look in the mirror and can't help but see the love handles and the extra pounds on my stomach and that my thighs are too big.

I'm working on that though. I joined a gym and I started eating better and healthier. I can loose the weight. But can I loose the body image? Will I finally be happy with how I look or will I find something else to hate? I'm hoping the answer is no. I really am. What if it isn't? I have the means, tools and motivation to fix my body, to make it healthy. But how do I fix my body image?

I have my good days and bad days. There are days when I feel great so I think I look good. Then I have my bad days, my fat days, that no matter what I feel like I'm 600 lbs. Currently the bad days outnumber the good. How do I get the good days to take over the bad and get rid of them? How do I teach myself to love myself?

I strongly believe that body image and self worth are linked together. As I said before I have little to no self worth. I also have a poor body image. I know feeling good about myself and feeling like I'm worth something will vastly improve how I view myself. I'm just stuck on how to do that. Sure there are things I like about myself. And of course there are things that I hate about myself. I know that's normal. But how do I accept the things I hate and get out of liking and into loving?

I recently read an article ( http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/body_image/body_image.html# ) about body image. It was geared towards teenagers, but most of it rang true for me. It had some great tips that I'm going to try. Like give yourself three compliments a day and appreciate yourself and your uniqueness. The article was a great read and I recommend to anyone struggling with similar issues. I hope the next time I revisit this topic it's a lot more positive. That the view I have of myself is different and not so negative as it is now. 

If anyone reading this is struggling with body image and/or self worth I hope this helps. Simply for the fact that you know you're not alone. If anyone has any tips, suggestions, or has a need to say something feel free to comment.