#needtokeepgoing

Ew. Just realized it's James' bday. 35 and still a kid.

Anywhoo!!!!! I did it y'all.! I found a place Aug 2nd, got keys the 3rd and moved in the 4th. Still at my parent's place, cuz my family is on a trip to BC and my dad was alone. Wanted me to stay till tomorrow (Sat). I left my place a mess, but I'm so happyyyyyyyyy. My girl's are excited. As they should be lol.

I was honestly feeling defeated. My dad came with me to the city to look at a house. We seen it. Weirded location in a high traffic road, pretty old, and small, outside just looked dirty, and no grass. I said I could probably make it work, but my dad was not having it lol. Afterwards I kept searching, had 2 more viewings later that day. With 3 hours to spare, we went seen my auntie to lend her money, and we were just visiting on the street, talking about my bad luck viewing, and getting rejected. Then I seen an ad for the town we lived in, and wanted to stay in. I didn't even read the whole ad and just msged for a viewing. He wrote back to say he was showing it at 4pm. It was 245, I asked if he could show me at 315, he agreed. We get there, and it's great. Nice, clean, 2 bedrooms up, and a space downstairs that isn't legal, but I'm counting it as a bedroom lol. I say, "Omg, it's niiiiice. Can I have it?" "If you want it." 😳"For rrrreal?" Just like that. It was weird cuz he didn't even ask me what my income was, or references, or any typical landlord q's. But he isn't a landlord. He said that his ex wife didn't want him and his new gf living there, so they decided to rent it lol. Whatever, I'm happy.

Alex and our son are visiting his family 2 provinces over. So, he wasn't home while I was moving our shit out. Things are civil now. I was sad moving. I thought it was our forever home. And I know I'm going to get lonely, but I know I won't go back. This will be for the betterment of my kid's upbringing. I realized I wasn't happy, and they need me to be myself and happy. None of that doesn't mean I didn't love him tho. I will genuinely miss him. And I told him that. He msged me to jokingly ask me if he had any furniture left, I said no. But told him I only took all the girl's stuff and furniture, and my clothes. I still need to go back for things, but it could wait. After those msges he says he hopes it all goes well and I said, 'for you too. It was great while it lasted, until it didn't I guess. I will always care for you, you should know that. I will miss you." He writes, "Likewise. I will miss you. I will always love you and care for you." And left it at that. Cuz I know we will. But, we are done. I'm done.

Excited for new beginnings. School will start soon, so I'll be completely distracted and busy. Along with girl's appts, and therapy. Omg. I hope I'll know how. Lol.

Wow. Been a long time. I keep thinking about writing, but end up not doing it. I have so much to catch up on. Good things, bad things. Whatever. But I couldn't pass this up. This feeling.

A lot of things have been going on within myself and really reflecting on my life. We'll get that on a later post. But right now? Right now I feel out of touch. Like I'm missing something. I'm choked up tonight at this feeling. Idk what it is. I need something. I need someone. I'm supposed to have Alex (he's been home for almost 2 weeks now), but he doesn't seem interested in the things I say when it comes to talking about myself growing. Or idk. And I know I have friends, but they're not here. I have my therapist, but that's long waits in between. I have this but it's only one-sided. I have family, but lately, I haven't been around to talk to them. I just feel alone. Plus, I feel like I suck as a mom cuz I have all these ideas to improve my relationships with them, then don't do any of it. Idk what's wrong. I wanna cry. I just need something. Or someone.

I should make tiktoks hahah jk.

Maybe painting? Idk. Something.