#nct 00

  It had been weeks since you had broken up with Kyle. You wanted to say that you were getting better every day, but that would be a lie. It still hurt seeing him in the cafeteria with his friends, it still hurt when he brushed past you in the hallways. You were thankful you hadn’t changed your schedule to fit his, because that would have just driven you mad.

  “Don’t Need Your Love Club” or “DNYL” for short, surprisingly did help. Hanging out with boys that weren’t Kyle or his group of friends and genuinely had fun getting to know you and spend time with you was more refreshing that you had ever anticipated.

  You had gotten very close with both Renjun and Yangyang, with Renjun sending you every meme he stumbled upon and Yangyang joining you in many of your dance lessons. You shared a couple classes with Jeno, who always managed to make you laugh in the most inappropriate situations. Jaemin was just… Jaemin. He flirted with you constantly and you made an effort to always have something to say back to him.

  Renjun had slipped one day, telling you how upset Donghyuck had been when he learnt you had joined. You had tried your best to keep a straight face and allowed Renjun to console you. All the boys were certain Donghyuck would come around sooner or later.

  You couldn’t be as certain. Due to this uncertainty, you always left the club early, a few minutes after Donghyuck arrived. You declined invitations to hang out with all of them and you did all you could to avoid him.

  And life went on.

  Elena was sitting next to you, her eyes focused on her laptop screen as she furiously copied the information from the book she had borrowed from the library. Music was flowing from the café’s speakers, not too loud to bother you while you worked, but loud enough to provide a nice background noise. You took a sip of your latte as you let your eyes skim over your best friend’s familiar features. Your mind trailed off, but Elena’s voice snapped you back into reality.

  “Sorry, what was that?” you asked.

  Elena gave you a small smile, turning to look at you properly.

  “I said, ‘you’re doing it again.’” She answered you.

  “Doing what again?” you asked.

  “You’re getting stuck in that pretty head of yours. I can’t follow you there. It’s annoying, really.” She replied.

  You let out a small “oh”. It was true that you got stuck in your own head a lot. Your thoughts would run around and around spinning you in circles and you couldn’t help but follow. It was worse that, once snapped out of your reverie, you couldn’t even start to explain what you were thinking about.

  “I’m sorry. I really can’t help it” you apologized.

  “I know you are. It makes it even worse somehow, I can’t even be mad at you.” She answered you.

  “Please! You can’t be mad at me anyway, you love me too much” you said, grabbing one of her hands and bringing it to cup your face.

  You weren’t quite sure how it started, but that was a sign of affection, saved for only you and Elena. You would cup the others face with one hand, letting the other melt into the touch. You would look at each other in the way best friends often do and talk without using words.

  You did that just now, allowing your look to say how sorry you were and that you didn’t mean to shut her out. Elena’s own look spoke of how much she loved you and that she simply wanted you to be okay.

  Your moment was cut short by your ringtone, singing loudly to one of your favorite songs. You glanced at the screen and weren’t surprised to see Renjun’s name popping up. You shot a look at Elena who just stretched while mumbling something that sounded like “You and your boys”.

  “Hello~” you say in a sing- song voice.

  “Y/N! Where are you?” Renjun shouted at the microphone, almost out of breath.

  “Lower your voice, you idiot! I almost lost an ear! I’m with Elena, we’re working on an assignment.” You replied.

  “Are you finishing up? I’m bored, let’s grab some coffee!” he proposed.

  “Give me one second” you told him, lowering your phone from your ear and covering the microphone.

  You turned to Elena who was watching you with mild amusement.

  “That was Renjun” you started.

  “So I heard. Probably the whole café too.” She cut you off, teasing.

  “Oh shut up. He wants coffee. Do you mind if I tell him to come here?” you asked.

  “Sure thing! Finally I’ll get some time to actually talk to the guy before he snatches you off from me” she said.

  “Hey Jun, you still there?” you asked.

  “I’ll have you know, that was exactly 24 seconds. 24 seconds of my life I will never get back” Renjun said dramatically.

  “I’ll text you an address. Come here and I’ll buy you coffee in exchange for your 24 seconds.” You answered.

  “Sounds like a deal to me! I’ll see you in a while.” He said, hanging up immediately.

  You had a smile on your face as you put your phone down. Elena looked as if she was about to say something, but thought better of it. You tried to finish off your work, putting your heads together and concentrating. You were pretty satisfied with the result if you could say so yourself, saving only a quick run-over for later.

  As Renjun walked in the café, you got up to greet him with a hug. He held you close as you exchanged your hellos, taking a seat right next to you and ordering a slice of cake.

  “What about coffee?” you jokingly asked.

  “Meh, I’m not really crazy about coffee to be honest. I like sweets though. And tea when I’m sketching or painting.” He said.

  “You draw?” Elena asked, surprised.

  “Yes I do! Calms me down a ton.” Renjun answered.

  The conversation flowed from there. Elena didn’t miss her chance to get to know Renjun and he was very excited to see Elena’s art. You talked about art, school, movies, books and exes. You didn’t know how the conversation got there, but it did.

  You didn’t want to shut down on them, get lost inside your head again so you tried your best to listen. Elena was talking about that one girl that broke up with her because she refused to have sex. Renjun was listening, but you could tell he wasn’t ready to share.

  You did your best to change the subject, gaining a grateful look from Renjun. If he didn’t want to say, then you weren’t going to ask.

  Taking note of the darkness that had quickly spread outside Elena proposed that you should be heading out soon. Her parents called, offering to drive you all home. Renjun politely declined, so you did too.

 Renjun of course offered to walk you home and as you walked, you took your chance to ask him if he had liked Elena.

  “She’s really nice. A very good artist too. I don’t think I know her enough to like her or not but… She’s nice” he repeated.

  You nodded walking next to him with your pinkies linked. The silence was comfortable, as it always was with Renjun.

  Soon enough, you arrived in front of your house. Squeezing him tight, you said goodnight and promised to see each other at school tomorrow.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  The next day your arrival to the school gates was followed by a frantic Jeno walking up to you.

  “Y/N, finally you’re here!” he said.

  “Hey Jeno! What’s got you so worked up this early?” you asked.

  “Have you spoken with Renjun at all?” he asked as an answer.

  “Yes! We were together yesterday.” You replied.

  “Of course he’d be with you. I’m going to kill him.” He said.

  “Jeno, slow down. What happened?” you asked.

  Jeno wavered for a few seconds, opening and closing his mouth. He looked away from you and failed to meet your eyes as the- seemingly- right words came to him.

  “It’s not exactly my place to say. I’m sorry Y/N. You should talk to Jun. He trusts you, maybe you can help him better than we can.” He said finally.

  “Jeno, seriously, what’s going on? How can I help if I don’t know what’s wrong?” you asked.

  Jeno was about to say something but the school’s bell cut him short. It also seemed to snap him out of his thoughts. He shook his head and started walking away from you.

  “Talk to Renjun. Please.” He said over his shoulder, rushing past other students and leaving you alone in the hallway.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  You weren’t sure how you managed to sit through your first hour but miraculously, you did. Looking at your teacher’s mouth moving, your attention clearly elsewhere you willed your mind to rewind to Renjun’s behavior yesterday.

  He had seemed fine, more than fine really. He was smiling, cracking jokes, talking animatedly as he always did. He had met Elena, he had walked you home. Maybe he had hugged you a little tighter than usual? Maybe there were words left unsaid between the two of you.

  He wasn’t replying to texts. He wasn’t even reading them. You wanted to believe that he was in class, too preoccupied to look at his phone. A little voice in the back of your mind told you otherwise and you couldn’t help but listen.

  The bell signaling the end of the first period also signaled your salvation. You had a free period now, which meant you could be useful. You had mentally made a list of a few places in town where Renjun could be. You were getting more and more worried by the second. You had planned to text Jeno to get Renjun’s address in case everything else failed.

  Lost too deep in your thoughts, you almost missed the sounds of soft piano drifting from the music room. You retraced your steps, finding the door to be ajar. You pushed it open, popping your head inside and sure enough, Renjun was sitting in the piano, grazing the keys softly as if they were fragile.

  You let yourself in, trying not to make a sound as you shut the door. You dropped your bag next to the door and stood, listening to the music. You never really liked classical music, or more precisely, you never paid too much attention to it. However, seeing Renjun play, you understood why people were enchanted by it. The line of his shoulders was stiff while his fingers were working over the keys.

  You tried to focus on the music, working hard to determine what it was trying to convey. You felt a whirlwind of emotions, too vast to put into words. There was loss and longing, there was hope and fear. And pain. So much pain, that you felt like your breath was knocked out of your lungs.

  The music raised itself to a crescendo and your heart felt like it was fighting to break out of your chest. You realized that tears were streaming your face, but it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered in those moments was that the song was ending, Renjun was hurting and you didn’t know what to do.

  Renjun stopped and the room wrapped itself in silence. He gave a long sigh and rested his head on the piano.

  “Like the emotional turmoil? Do I need to put it into words again?” Renjun asked, his voice a whisper.

  “Jun… I’m sorry for barging in here” you whispered back.

   He didn’t move. He didn’t show any sign of having heard you at all. Seconds passed slowly and you were about to grab your things and leave when he moved slightly, making some room for you to sit on the bench with him.

  You reacted immediately, but kept your moves silent and soft. You sat next to him on the narrow bench, bodies stuck together. Without you knowing you were holding your breath, a breath you let out as he moved, getting more comfortable next to you.

  “I was looking for you” you said, voice still low.

  “I know. One of those bastards ratted me out. Who was it?” he asked.

  “Jeno.” You said, and then “Renjun, he was really worried. He came up to me first thing in the morning. I don’t need to know what’s going on to see you are hurting. That song you played-”

  “I’m fine. Or, I will be soon.” He cut you off.

  “You don’t have to be.” You answered.

  “It’s just… She left Y/N. She left, and I didn’t get to say good bye. I only said goodnight. It’s not fair.” He said.

  You were quiet for a while. You didn’t have anything to say, what could you say? You had no idea what was happening, why he was hurting so much, but you desperately wanted to help.

  Suddenly, Renjun sat straight, meeting your eyes.

  “Can I try something?” he asked carefully.

  You didn’t know what to expect. Your voice would surely fail you, so a simple nod would have to do.

  He wasted no time, bringing his hand up and close to your face. He was inching closer and closer and you realized that he was about to kiss you.

  You let him.

  The kiss was soft and sweet. He moved slowly, testing the waters, pressing his lips on yours. You felt his hand shake on your face and you almost wanted to smile.

  Before the kiss got any deeper, Renjun broke away. You tried to read his eyes but came up with nothing. Without speaking, you curled up on his side. He leaned on you and the silence wrapped you up once more.

  “Did it help?” You asked, your voice as low as possible.

  “No. No it didn’t.” Renjun replied, squeezing your hand.

  “I’m sorry.” You said.

  “I am too” he said.

  You sat there for a while, silently hoping that your presence at least would give him comfort. Renjun slowly untangled himself off of you and you watched as he stood, gathering his things. You followed his lead, picking up your bag and walking away from the music room.

  You shared the next class so it wasn’t difficult to follow Renjun, despite the flow of students now walking the halls. You entered the classroom just as Renjun sat down. You took the seat next to his, dropping down your bag and half lying on the desk, looking at him. He mirrored your movements and your eyes locked.

  It was a very peculiar stare, one you had never shared with anyone before. You couldn’t exactly read Renjun’s eyes, but one thing was for sure: Whatever happened in the music room, was over and done with.

  Your mind wandered, your thoughts focused on the boy facing you. You took in the curves and edges of his features as he looked directly at your eyes, his own thoughts carrying him away from you. You cared for him a lot, you realized in those moments, more than the little time you had spent together would indicate. It hurt knowing nothing you could do or say would help him.

  Renjun was safety. Renjun was small smiles and giggles in silent rooms. Renjun was hand holding, entwined pinkies and walking side by side. Renjun was playfully shoving each other, teasing and joking. Renjun was silence and serenity.

  Renjun was a lot of things. But he wasn’t good for you. And you weren’t good for him.

  The day went on. You managed to catch up with Jeno, telling him that you had seen Renjun but keeping out unnecessary details.

  “So he didn’t tell you anything?” Jeno asked again.

  “No, not really. I think he just needs some space right now, just to breathe” you answered and Jeno slowly nodded at your words.

  “I’ll try to give him space but… I’m worried.” He said.

  You reached out and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, earning a small smile from him.

  “He knows all of you are there for him. I’m certain he’ll ask for help soon… When he’s ready to receive it. Does that make sense?” you finished.

  “It does. Thank you, Y/N, really.” He answered you.

  You were about to respond, when a figure caught up with you. His steps were heavy and his expression showed his anger. Shooting you a stormy look and disregarding you completely after that, he turned to Jeno.

  “Have you talked to him?” Donghyuck inquired.

  “No, Y/N is the only person he talked to the whole day” Jeno responded.

  “I’m going over to his house” Donghyuck announced after a moment of consideration.

  “Donghyuck wait!” you said, pulling him back.

  He graced you with a stare that pierced through you completely. If looks could kill, you’d be dead ten times over right now. The familiar nervousness that came with being in the same room as him surfaced, but you tried to push it down as fast as you could.

  “This was exactly what I was telling Jeno right before you came. I think Renjun doesn’t need this right now. He doesn’t want us, hovering around him every second, trying to help him feel better. He needs to figure out what he’s feeling on his own first, and then he’ll ask for help. I’m sure of it.” You said.

  Donghyuck didn’t even ponder your words. You doubted he even really heard them.

  “Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do with my best friend? You’ve known him how long? A couple of years? Now all of a sudden you’re kind of close?” he asked, his tone mocking.

  “I’ve known him almost all of my life. We’ve gone through ups and downs and we’ve grown together okay? So, no, I’m not going to follow your stupid advice. I’m going to go be with my best friend and help him” he finished.

  You were expecting Donghyuck to snap back, but you weren’t expecting this. Using the little time you had spent with the boys was a low blow, and you were pretty sure he knew exactly what he was saying.

  You couldn’t even reply, not really. All of the things he said was true, and that pissed you off even more.

  Donghyuck, who seemed to read your thoughts was about to smile, perhaps mock you some more, when Jeno’s voice interrupted him.

  “That’s bullshit” he said.

  Donghyuck turned to look at Jeno, dumbfounded and hurt. Jeno just shrugged.

  “I think she’s right man.” He added.

  You wanted to smile, to thank Jeno for backing you up. You didn’t have time, as Donghyuck’s outburst was instant.

  “You’re taking her side? What the fuck does she know?” Donghyuck asked, raising his voice.

  “For the record, I’m taking Jun’s side. Not that there are any sides to take. We are all just trying to help our friend. So calm the fuck down, stand back, and leave Renjun alone for a while.” Jeno said, giving you an encouraging smile.

  You returned the smile. Your gaze went to Donghyuck, who just stood there, anger boiling inside of him.

  “Hyuck, listen” you started but he cut you off immediately.

  “Don’t use that nickname. You have no right to it. Only my friends call me that.” He said, turned around and left.

  You and Jeno shared a look. You were hurt by Donghyuck’s words, but Jeno looked like he was about to laugh.

  “What?” you asked him.

  “Well that was ridiculous! ‘You have no right to it’, he says. It’s a nickname bro, you don’t own that shit.” He said, laughing lightly afterwards.

  You smiled at him.

  “Don’t pay too much attention to Donghyuck, okay? He just likes having things under his control. It’s driving him crazy that he can’t control you” he added.

  “Donghyuck is… a lot. I’m going to try though.” You answered.